Alone Is A Fools Paradise

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Let The Good Times Roll, Feb 13, 2020.

  1. I’ll get to the point. I’m an introvert. I’ve never really had many friends throughout my life. I’m in my second year of college now, my friend group from elementary has pretty much split, they are going to other universities, moving out of state, etc. So I find myself alone.

    Now that I am not hyper focused on porn. I find myself painfully alone. Yet I can’t muster up the energy to talk to new people. Even when I find them interesting. I’ve attended a few events through my university and I haven’t even really tried to talk to anyone or get to know them. It took a lot just to show up. It doesn’t help that I am an introvert by nature so talking really exhausts me.

    Sometimes I do wonder if I am a bit autistic, or just really underdeveloped in socializing as I have never really been a talkative kid. Homeschooling was great, but damn that did a number on me.

    Has anyone else experienced something similar? I gladly welcome advice and would love to hear your tale, even if it’s ongoing.
  2. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    I was wondering if I have Aspergers or stuff the other day.
  3. Master Chips

    Master Chips Fapstronaut

    I can relate, but the thing is I am not an introvert..which makes this thing a problem from time to time.
  4. Coco99

    Coco99 Fapstronaut

    Yes, I am also an introvert who has social anxiety at times. First thing is to minimize or eliminate porn. Focus on building yourself, going to the library and reading a book for 1 hour is so underrated these days. Go to the gym. Take up a new hobby such as boxing/cooking etc. I am certainly not there yet but I have put myself in a better position. Eventually without you knowing you will meet people
  5. Jeremi

    Jeremi Fapstronaut

  6. Fifth Horseman

    Fifth Horseman Fapstronaut

    Was born and will die a proud introvert, but at this point closer to the end than the beginning and I run meetings, make speeches, feel obligated to fill the gaps in conversation at parties and group get togethers etc. I think what pulled me out of my social anxiety over the years was when I was forced into group situations- traveling with a group (you all start knowing nobody and by the end you have friends), local volunteer and political projects and charity work. You find out that when you sign on to these things you aren’t the only one who has a shell to break out of, that many if not most of the people looking for these things are otherwise isolated and alone and looking, just like you, for confidence, for an outlet. You just have to force yourself to take those painful first steps to join these situations. And yes it is painful, but only to start. The rewards are life-long.
  7. My experience is similar, if not worse. I had maybe one or two friends in elementary school, and only for a couple years. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I've never had any friends since then. Most of my adult life has been spent inside playing video games. NoFap gives me hope, though. I go out to practice hobbies like martial arts and I just started learning dancing. It is stressful trying to talk to people and act normal. I don't think I'm on the autism spectrum, but just poorly conditioned for social interaction. It's a WIP.
  8. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. So far I’ve just been going to social events where most people would come already in a group, leaving me feeling disconnected from everyone. So you have definitely given me some ideas!
  9. I feel for you. I was really good friends with my elementary group up until middle school where I opted to go home school. That is what really messed me up, I was already a quiet kid, so I basically isolated myself for three years in high school. I didn’t reconnect with them until senior year of high school when I started going to college through concurrent enrollment. Now we are all turning different pages in the book of life.

    But hey sounds like you and I both, made it through some tuff times! Keep up the hard work the results are bound to be seen.
    Coco99 likes this.
  10. i never cared tbh ngl. all i know is that i will never have children
  11. You say you’ll never have kids. Is that by choice? Or is that something you actually want to pursue?

    For awhile I had myself convinced that I didn’t give a shit about making friends, finding another relationship. But really that was just something I was telling myself because it was easier than putting in the work.
  12. i cant have kids because im an extremely unattractive man. i cant even have an one night stant lol

    this is so bluepilled. relationships are build with work from both sides. if yu are putting all the wrok, you are a needy loser and it wont have any good results at all
  13. I agree it’s a two way street. Both parties have to contribute, which is something I haven’t done much of. Contribute. Even when people meet me more than half way.

    I wasn’t referring to me putting in all the work. Socializing in general is a chore to me because I’m a damn hermit with some anxiety. It’s easier to just sit on my ass and stay in the comfort zone than it is to approach and start a conversation with someone. Which would be the work I’m talking about.
  14. Coco99

    Coco99 Fapstronaut

    What I'm starting to understand about social anxiety is its all in your head and its something that you probably grew up with for such a long time. I am very anti-social but there are a lot of people who like quiet people as well. The thing to overcome this is taking baby steps everyday, that means putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. It can be as simple as smiling and saying Hi to someone. Smiling goes a long way, in some cases people will just talk to you randomly if you smile and all you need to do is listen. Giving complements is another thing. The other day during one of my boxing classes I forced myself to talk to an elderly lady and telling her how great her punches are. That made her open up. You have to realize that random strangers probably have social anxiety as well and they are also introverts. You can't demoralize yourself and say ohh I have social anxiety and put all your faults on "social anxiety".Being in college is the best time for you, this is when you can meet all types of people. Just remember to take baby steps every day and build off the previous day.
  15. if you have to approach and all , its over buddy boyo.
  16. Hah. If you say so.

    Good luck bro!
    Coco99 likes this.
  17. This is an excellent piece of insight and advice. I understand having social anxiety, and the other side of it too...I’ve been the life of the party, the wet blanket, the wall flower, the teen that dropped out of high school to homeschool myself (I.e. I was focused on education and found the social element a nuisance)..... and it really depends on what your mind and feelings are focused on.

    I have pretty bad anxiety nowadays, but part of that is being isolated for two years. You have to expose yourself to people regularly. I’ve lost a heck of a large part of my social capabilities in a short time. I think our stress tolerance can get weak like a muscle that needs regular use and anxiety seems to be the equivalent of a muscle strain or sprain, it’s fragile going from Dormant to medium stress situations. The advice is great because starting out smiling at people takes only a bit of mindfulness and very little vulnerability. You aren’t even putting yourself at any risk of high stress because you can always put headphones on and try it like that walking around in public.

    Chances are you won’t be met with much eye contact because people often have their noses in their phones!! The irony. Plus, you have headphones and most people see that with their peripheral, then automatically kind of look past you as though you are on the other side of a two way mirror, since you are in your own world in a sense. Now and then somebody may make eye contact and you smiling may illicit a reflexive response such as smiling back, but your headphones will protect you from any conversational engagement. It’s amazing how much we can communicate with a glance, though!
  18. Just a thought, but it would be cool if there were ways to have virtual conventions on a small scale, I guess like tiny chat used to be (not even sure that’s around anymore). It seems like a lot of people here could use some interaction in starter doses, and this community is a great place to start since the struggles we face are mutually understood and social anxiety is a common factor.

    long ago I grew up with a tight knit bunch on an invader zim forum and two of us started the first actual get together when most of us were around 14. It was the best idea I ever had and that group got together for over a decade twice a year. We are still loosely connected through Facebook but people grew up and started families and landed awesome jobs and shit. Man I miss my moose fam.

    I’m or two now so this was all back when people would look at me and go, “you are going to meet a bunch of people you only know from the internet... you crazy??” Honestly if we didn’t have this a lot of us would have been much less socially developed. Were are a bunch of nerds, but after that first awkward year we were so comfortable around each other it was like a family reunion. Regular life was a drag in comparison, people are hard to get to know! Maybe it’s because I live in Texas....

    The internet may be one of the worst things to happen to mankind, but it also is one of the best. Double edged sword. You can use it to become trapped in a solitary prison of fantasy or to transcend spacial limitations and find your heart a home and community.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 25, 2020
  19. Davyfreedom

    Davyfreedom Fapstronaut

    Yes I can relate with you on multiple levels. I was also homeschooled and also am an introvert. I think they are closely linked. If you live in an over protective home(a bubble) you aren't faced with adversity and the harshness that the real world brings. The result of this is as you get older you tend to hide from things that make you uncomfortable. The only way to get out of this mindset is to be okay with feeling uncomfortable. Every time you don't want to do something, do it. Do the exact opposite of what your mind is telling you to do. Your upbringing has conditioned you to choose flight instead of fight. This is a primal survival technique your body uses to keep you alive, but if over used will hinder your growth as a person. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any breakthroughs :).
  20. I have been smiling and working myself up. Progress has been slow because as you said most people have their noses buried deep in their phone... when they aren’t in their phone some are just staring at the ground avoiding eye contact (perhaps the issues is more common than I think? That or I’m a tad bit intimidating). Lol. But those that I do manage to lock eyes with are greeted with a smile, most times than not they smile back. Such a small accomplishment but always feels great!

    I’ll try doing this more. I’ve been in a pretty ‘hermit’ mindset lately. I’ve been forcing myself to attend events at my university. i haven't had much success in getting to know people, I’m still getting out and at least communicating with people. which is a big step for me anyway.

    thanks for all the advice. I’ll try implementing them more and let you guys know when I make progress!
    Deleted Account and Davyfreedom like this.

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