alone

I'm almost 50 and you wouldn't believe what I've done or haven't done. This is not meant to be a negative comment. So I'll just sum it all up. No date until age 28. Never had a real gf. That is, I focused on sex through porn and nothing but. I can't just walk up to someone and begin making conversation; I have no clue as to what to say to someone, especially females. Lived my entire life searching for the wrong thing. My only hobbies are reading and creating yearly favorite music charts. Pretty much a loner all my life. I have a good job now, but am frustrated and disappointed I didn't pursue a girl I met through my first summer job. I was 17 then, but did not take advantage of an opportunity to learn more about her. We got along great at work, but absolutely too timid. So if there ever was any true regret, this was it. Have some very good friends now but they are nearly just like me. This may sound awful, but if you can't find a close friend in church, there's something seriously wrong with that. And it bothers me a whole lot. Reached a desperation point just 3 weeks ago. Cost a little bit, but I learned a valuable lesson. It was probably the best thing that happened, meaning getting over porn addiction. Big step one. Been 3 days now with no sex. I'll go back to it for sure, but it won't be like it was before. What I'm looking for right now is intimacy and nothing else. It's making me pull my hair out.