Alternative solution for sexters.

This is the thread ive been waiting for lol

Ive sext on and off throughout and not edged or masturbated once. Mainly in binges then it backs off then on again.

I think the issue is dopamine at the end of the day.

She wants to too and im backing off. Tonight she tried again but ive thought and said no no no no no and shes backed down. Blocking isnt solvung it its just running away from it. We have got to have the tenacity to say no and mean no. Everytime. Im working on it

 

Hi @britaxe, I am trying to understand your different counters. In particular, the contrast between one that says:

• 97 days since I walked away from using porn
• 1 day since I engaged in sex chat

My confusion stems from the fact that sex chat is porn, so if you did sex chat yesterday, you didn't walk away from porn. The dictionary explains: http://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/pornography

1. writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate sexual excitement
2. the production of such material

In other words, sending and receiving sexual texts is engaging in porn.

 

I agree with what you say in your signature @britaxe, but you don't seem to realise that this rules out sexting as well.

 

@IGY Since Aug ive had No tube sites, no amatuer videos, no tumblr, no stashes, no downloads, no visual sexual activity, no sd cards crammed full of psubs, no hrs searching for clips, no stills, no Flickr, no photo sharing sites, no edging no.masturbation.

My personal porn definition covered a lot of things.

ive kept the separation becaise the chat has been with one person only and ive never instigated the chats. Ive caved in time to time and reset when that happens

If you dont think my progress is satisfactory after a period of 32 years on the porn and cracking off then say so. And if the counter offends you i'll remove it. Not reset it.

In fact im working on the chat to be honest, its the last chink in the armour, and saying no, however considering what I have walked away from i'm giving myself some space to sort the last bit out in my head. Believe me i'm not the man I was 3 months ago.

 

Have you talked to her about why you don't want to sext? That you are trying to better yourself? If she doesn't respect that then that's an issue.

 

I don't understand your response. I merely said, "I am trying to understand your different counters". It is your journey.

 

@67950t yes she knows of my journey yes it is an issue you are right.

Right now I'm glad this thread is here. There is seems to be very little conversations about chatting in general and maybe this will help others.

This is probably what I needed to"wake me up" im doing so well with everything else and this issue is holding me back.

@IGY i need to explain in more detail rather than a knee jerk response and maybe a better response would be......

the most important part for me when coming here was to quit masturbating period. Its was a bad autonmous habit for me worse than porn and chat put together. I could jack off and edge anytime that's under control now.

Since being here I now understand the brain chemistry and i'm also trying to understand myself and why I do what i've done and what can I do about it, the action I can do, replace habits, build courage, say no etc

Porn is on a counter separate as porn ive always classed as watching penetrative sex, masturbation, striptease with end results... this i have not watched at all

Psubs are not an issue.... I class as semi nude, lingerie triggers for years i've not jacked to them. For the last four years they have been used for research material for photographic shoots i do from time to time. (semi-professional for artistic outlet) this i can undertake with absolute control and the work i've produced i don't even see as sexual it's about like, dark and shade, line mood, meaning. and i've never ever jacked to my own work. This is why there is no mention of psubs on my counters. But since being here i have scaled back this research "just in case" and don't intentionally go out looking at it.

Chatting is on a counter separate as it just involves fantasy and masturbation (IMO) this is a separate habitual issue to my above mentioned old porn habits. YES i know Dopamine is heavily involved here. hence why it is commonly lumped with porn and p subs and all the rest of it

It's a very difficult journey for me it isn't black and white like some are led to believe. The most important thing for me is breaking physical habits and learning to say no consistantly both to myself and to others. This i am getting to grips with some days are good, some days are bad.

whether we like it or not porn and porn subs are part of western life we cannot wear blinkers or put our hands over our eyes we have to control ourself and learn to say no.

Chatting is the same. If i block ALL chats straight off the bat for me it's akin to wearing blinkers, putting your hands over your eyes. But you don't learn to say no.

I'm learning to say no. It's something in my life i don't say enough of in all aspects of it.

This post will actually kick me into touch and reinforce me to sort things out.

sorry for the long detailed response and i apologise if i was a bit heavy sounding in my previous post and i'm glad for the responses.

 

I struggle to comprehend how you two can have such serious feelings for each other, considering you've never even met one another!

At the end of all this, I think that all that you two are doing is satisfying your cravings/ sexual tension with one another, as you have characterised in this quote below. Either go and meet up with her and have real conversations and real sex, or change your number and don't contact her again. You would have to take the initiative, because clearly she doesn't want to stop. This half way situation with the sexting sounds excruciating to me and is undoubtedly hindering for your reboot.

 

Ive took the initiative this morning in my own situation. Also told an accountabiliy partner I have on whatsapp to hold me to account on a daily basis.

I feel like shit today

 

Yes @Jungler she's backed off considerably. I said no more whatsapping now any contact is to be only through fb. This I can control as I've only got access on my pc not through mobile. She replied later through whatsapping again.... I left it hrs for a reply back and kept it to very short angry answers replying through Facebook. Then proceeded to tell all about my streaks, that I don't masturbate anymore, I don't want to sex chat to anyone ever again. Etc. I actually told her it's not her that is the problem it's the conditioning of the association of the phone to the notification, to the text, to the actual phone and also to the anxiety of what ANY reply from her is going to be.

Any contact since I've kept to very very short answers that invite very little conversation and as it is through fb I have control. Mate once they have your phone number essentially you're fucked arnt you.

There is also the "what ifs" to deal with if you break total contact straight away... public humiliation for one. Ringing the phone, sms text barrages. This is mind fucking we don't need or want during recovery. So I've gone for the option of moving to fb where I have control. I've said I don't mind chatting but not sex chat in any form whatsoever. I need this break, I need the space to disassociate both her and the phone from sex chat itself.

If you like you can contact me It would be good to actually share experience with someone who's major issue has been exactly mine. This might reinforce a non return to chatting altogether further down the line. It's fucking dangerous and deserves to be a category in itself as it involves others and not just a screen.