Am I a lesbian or do I have HOCD?

R

Ruth

Fapstronaut
Ok, so a pretty long text . I am 22 and have had a pretty traumatic up bringing where there was constant conflict in my life.

When I was young I always crushed on men and never really thought about women but then when I was older and checked out porn I felt extremely aroused , especially looking at women. This made me feel dirty but I kept doing it. Then I started to notice other women and became aroused by their shape and imagining there touch.

I accepted this at first as being bisexual and was ok with that , but recently I feel the need that I must identify as lesbian as every six months or so I have an existential break down thinking I'm lesbian and that I must leave my partner who I am with as if it doesn't happen now it will happen later . I dont get sexually aroused by him most of the time , I feel there's a mental block as every time I start to think about it there's a terrible anxiety. I get off thinking of both women and men but when im in this panic state I only feel attracted to women and I tell myself I'm gay which feels right until all the other conflicting emotions come up about having crushes and enjoying the passion of sex with men and the tension starts again. It's distressing and I want it to stop. Im tired of these thoughts intruding in my life . I thought I was happy and In love with my partner and when im having these thoughts I start to wonder is it actually love . I feel lost and like my mind is trying to sabotage this relationship but on the other side of things I feel like I may be in denial of being a lesbian because it means the life which I hadnt wanted . I read up about HOCD And I can relate to everything accept the thing about not being sexually attracted . I am attracted to women , but yet I can't accept it . Im so confused . Has anyone any thought on this ? My partner is completely supportive and wants me to explore these fantasies but somehow it feels like lot enough . Am I trying to sabotage the relationship , or am in denial ? Is porn rewiring my brain?
 
Well that is one of the reasons for rebooting, to see what the default wiring is so to speak.

I've known someone who has sexual trauma from her father and starting around her college years she was only interested in women for like 15-20 years or something - although it was butch women only. Needless to say that changed later.

Ruth said:
I dont get sexually aroused by him most of the time , I feel there's a mental block as every time I start to think about it there's a terrible anxiety.
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This sounds rather telling, but of course you are the one that knows yourself best - at least once we kind of break down these inner walls that divide us within ourselves.

Ruth said:
My partner is completely supportive and wants me to explore these fantasies but somehow it feels like lot enough .
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I think I speak for many here in the community that we are more interested in supporting you in exploring who you really are, whatever that may be in terms of your sexual orientation does not matter. In that sense, exploring fantasies in terms of getting off is not our goal here, but integration, being a whole person and healing is.
 
It sounds rather telling that in Lesbian?
Ongoingsupport said:
Well that is one of the reasons for rebooting, to see what the default wiring is so to speak.

I've known someone who has sexual trauma from her father and starting around her college years she was only interested in women for like 15-20 years or something - although it was butch women only. Needless to say that changed later.



This sounds rather telling, but of course you are the one that knows yourself best - at least once we kind of break down these inner walls that divide us within ourselves.



I think I speak for many here in the community that we are more interested in supporting you in exploring who you really are, whatever that may be in terms of your sexual orientation does not matter. In that sense, exploring fantasies in terms of getting off is not our goal here, but integration, being a whole person and healing is.
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It sounds like you might be both bisexual and suffering from HOCD (homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder). Also it seems that your current relationship might need to change if you aren't aroused. I'm not an expert of course.
 
I don't know , I feel like I love him as a best friend but there is no passion between us . He has also agreed that there isn't but never worried about it because he said he's nevereexperience passion with anyone
learning said:
It sounds like you might be both bisexual and suffering from HOCD (homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder). Also it seems that your current relationship might need to change if you aren't aroused. I'm not an expert of course.
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I d
 
I agree with ongoingsupport, you need to reboot first, before deciding. PMO addiction can make us do things not in our nature to get the high our body wants. Many times we keep looking for more and more hard stuff, different genres to keep that high going. Well all that stuff can impact our world outside the computer. I would suggest first freeing yourself from PMO.
 
Ruth said:
I dont get sexually aroused by him most of the time , I feel there's a mental block as every time I start to think about it there's a terrible anxiety.
Click to expand...

Ongoing said:
This sounds rather telling, but of course you are the one that knows yourself best - at least once we kind of break down these inner walls that divide us within ourselves.
Click to expand...

Ruth said:
It sounds rather telling that in Lesbian?
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I was thinking of the mental block part and the terrible anxiety, that it is trauma related. I am more interested in peoples mental health, as I said it doesn't matter to me what peoples orientation is but trauma is no good for anybody.
 
Ruth said:
I don't know , I feel like I love him as a best friend but there is no passion between us . He has also agreed that there isn't but never worried about it because he said he's nevereexperience passion with anyone
I d
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When both persons have some kind of psychological issue it makes it all the more complicated, and although I wouldn't jump to any conclusions this statement might mean there is something going on with him.
 
He has also had a traumatic experience , he's quite passive and puts himself Dow . His issues are quite different to mine but in this sense I feel you are right , there's something missing on both our parts. We both want the family together , ubtil I start thinking and obsessing like this . Then I feel it was all a lie and I do t want anything . Part of me thinks I'm trying to sabotage this relationship
Ongoingsupport said:
When both persons have some kind of psychological issue it makes it all the more complicated, and although I wouldn't jump to any conclusions this statement might mean there is something going on with him.
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Many of us have, from porn, acquired tastes which we didn't have before porn. Many who have recovered state that those acquired tastes go away after some time away from porn.
 
I just want to accept who I am whoever that is but I feel incapable of accepting I'm a lesbian
Immature said:
Many of us have, from porn, acquired tastes which we didn't have before porn. Many who have recovered state that those acquired tastes go away after some time away from porn.
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I
 
Ruth said:
He has also had a traumatic experience , he's quite passive and puts himself Dow . His issues are quite different to mine but in this sense I feel you are right , there's something missing on both our parts. We both want the family together , ubtil I start thinking and obsessing like this . Then I feel it was all a lie and I do t want anything . Part of me thinks I'm trying to sabotage this relationship
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It is possible you can be together but the relationship will just change. That's all healing is, our relationship with ourselves change. Us coming to a healthy place with ourselves may mean our relationship with other people will take a break, end or just change, whether they are SOs or someone else. There's a lot going on, probably too much to predict what will happen at any given point in the process but ultimately it's about everyone getting to a healthy place.
 
Ruth said:
I just want to accept who I am whoever that is but I feel incapable of accepting I'm a lesbian
I
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I think that's evidence in support of the idea that you're not a Lesbian, just some one who's watched/watching too much porn.
 
Stop watching p, journal regularly, and revaluate how u feel about it once a week. You are not alone in this. And sometimes healing means we discover what we thought we wanted isnt what we want at all. Goodluck
 
I was more sexually attracted to gay porn which made me wonder if I was gay, and the nofap explained P.I.E.D. that might be what you are experiencing.
 
See, I've a food for your thoughts. Have sex with your boyfriend and analyze each and every mood and action you do. Try to take pleasure in whatever act you do while doing sex. This would yield in you a sense of belongingness and you will love to have such pleasurable moments with men rather than deriving them in another female. I'm not saying it's bad to look and praise female's beauty and shape but this thought should remain for the time being, and that you should not crave for it.
 
Can you imagine yourself with a woman in the future? Can you imagine yourself cuddling with a woman and being passionate with a woman? If this thoughts make some inner peace in yourself and make you feel happy than you should maybe try it, but if this thoughts make you feel anxious, then it is just OCD. So you have HOCD, you probably have some kind of PIED and you developed ROCD because of that. So I always tell to the people, you are what you want to be. It is simple. If you would ve more happier as a heterosexual, then you are, if you want to be gay, you are, everything else is just pure overthinking. I had HOCD for 2 years, and was feeling like shit, but i knew what I want to be, and I after many battles I won against. But then i got ROCD and new battles were up to fight and I won them too. That was all because of non existent libido, and erections. So just stay away from porn and be what you want to be.
 
Porn can change sexuality.

Many men on this forum are straight, but they struggle for example with transwoman porn - men who, before watching porn, considered themselves 100% straight, porn brainwashed them. Just one recent example of a guy who is totally into girls and would never ever ever crave cock, but after watching porn he did: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/porn-induced-hocd-please-help.147478/#post-1211300

I read comments of lesbians in another forum who watched gay-men porn and wondered why they now get off to men, if they are lesbians anymore. Maybe they were even brainwashed by porn to believe they were lesbian in the first place.

And there are many more porn induced sexual desires, I myself experienced it to desire something that I previously despised after watching porn. The pornsites are flooded with lesbian porn, so it is no miracle to me, that many women are influenced by it.

There is sexual predisposition from birth, but I believe porn can influence people more than they realize.
The fact that you were previously only into men and now you ask if porn rewired you plus you now feel uncomfortable about it may be proof for that harmful influence.
 
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