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Am I Asexual? How do I know if I am on flatline? Porn in my dreams? In Need of Advice

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by DirtyJersey99, Dec 28, 2018.

  1. DirtyJersey99

    DirtyJersey99 New Fapstronaut

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    Alright so I've been NoFap for around 2-3 months now. I've done a lot of research into this; however, I feel my situation is relatively unique and specific; consequently, I haven't been able to find a lot of consistent information that pertains to my issue.

    Let me start with a general understanding of my sexual development.

    I am 19 and I am gay, or at least, so I thought (I will get onto that in a second). I started masturbating when I was 12. However, I didn't masturbate to just regular vanilla porn. At this age, I got into working out, so I started watching a lot of videos of guys in the gym exercising, just for the sake of learning how to workout myself. Yet, after some time, I realized this would turn me on a lot.

    I have a fetish, and I'm fairly sure I have had it from a young age, for men with large muscles. I don't know where it came from, I just know that looking back, its always been there.

    Eventually I started watching a lot of muscle morphs and I would touch myself and eventually got around to full on jerking myself off to artwork of impossibly large and muscled men. I would go on sites like tumblr, deviantart, etc. to indulge in this fetish, never really thinking about how I wasn't masturbating to actual vanilla gay sex. As time went on I felt like I had to keep upping the intensity and graphic-ness of the content I was looking at or reading. I did this for 7 years, masturbating at least once or twice a day, until a few months ago, when I had my first sexual experience.

    I tried hooking up with a guy twice and both times I couldn't get hard. Now mind you I thought this guy was hot, he wasn't huge but he was in fairly good shape and I thought he was really attractive. But as was we were getting it on, I could only maintain maybe a 40% erection. I was not nearly as turned on as I thought I would be on my first time.

    I was super embarrassed, and immediately after this I found out about NoFap and stopped PMO. However, even though I have been fairly successful in abstaining from porn and masturbation, I occasionally have my doubts and questions. Part of me is wondering if I am not actually gay, and if I am asexual with a strong fetish associated with men. On one hand, there is evidence to suggest I am actually homosexual; as a young kid I never really paid attention to girls too much, but there were one or two boys who I felt I (unknowingly) had a childlike crush on. I look at men more objectively than I do women. I have caught myself on many occasions checking guys out subconsciously/instinctively, and I definitely find men physically more attractive and interesting than women. However, I can't remember ever really getting hard-ons for regular average looking men. When I was at the age of 12 (which is when I feel most guys start developing sexual interests) I accidentally stumbled upon a strong kink before I had an opportunity to just experiment with regular guys. When I had that encounter with that guy recently, I enjoyed it, but not being able to fully get hard makes me wonder if even if I continue with NoFap, will I ever change?

    I guess my question is, do you think based upon my story that I am actually gay, and I could get with guys, but I just had trouble doing so because I have spent so many years exposing myself to very extreme and graphic content designed around a specific kink? I've always imagined myself being in a relationship, but I am worried now that I am incapable of doing so. I know eliminating the kink is unrealistic, and i am fine with having it. But I am worried that I have a dependence for it, and that no amount of abstinence from PMO will ever allow me to just enjoy hooking up with men who I think are attractive, but don't satisfy that fetish.

    To make matters even worse, since I started NoFap, I have had one or two dreams in which I look at images I would have looked at prior to starting noFap. In the dream, I would be looking at a screen and viewing material similar in nature and content to the porn I had stopped watching. Now, I am not a psychologist, but I feel like this could be either two things. Either, I truly am dependent on this kind of material, and so any sexual dreams I have are going to have to involve material of this nature, or, I am so stressed out thinking about the possibility that I will never be able to be with someone that the stress and anxiety related to this issue is causing me to think about it even when I sleep. I feel very stressed, and based on my research I would like to attribute this to a flatline, but I don't even know if I am currently on a flatline or not and have no way of telling. I don't have any strong urges or anything and I have random spouts of depression/stress, but I never really felt like at any point I had a strong libido to begin with.

    I don't know if this additional information helps, but in case it's of any use, I never have had morning wood, until recently after starting NoFap (even now it happens once every two weeks). I could use any advice, suggestions, or help in general. I just feel really confused and want to talk to someone who knows whats going on about it. Seeing a sexual therapist isn't an option at the moment.
     
  2. Hey man,

    Your story is very mainstream. A lot fo straight people testify gojng through the same sexuality questions but the other way around (wondering they really are straight or if they are not in fact gay). You clearly have PIED, which has led you to think you might be asexual. Some gay people said they thought maybe they might be straight even. It's just the PIED that causes these thoughts, and in some instances, the quantity and genre of porn they consume warps their view on their own sexuality.

    Your question about dreaming that you watching porn, PMOing or relapsing: very mainstream issue. Tons of people experience this. This is just your brain rebooting. You are indeed addicted and at the same time focusing on abstaining from consuming porn. Naturally, your dreams are related to that. Nothing to worry about, let the process follow its course.

    U never had morning wood because u been fapping too much. Morning wood is a good sign of recovery.

    Concerning flatline: looks like you go be going through one: feeling depressed, no libido, dead noodle and/or mood swings. It's your brain rebooting and trying to cope with reality and emotions without its usual dopamin fix.

    Everything you described fits a standard reboot. You have a porn addiction coupled with porn induced erectile dysfunction. You need to keep rebooting.
     
    newthinking96 likes this.

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