am i clingy or is she rude?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by matt2k12, Sep 9, 2021.

  1. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    I have a gf of about 8 months. In july we spent holidays together for about 3 weeks. We talk open about marriage and engagement. All was always very good and even though sometimes we would have some issues we always managed to figure them out.

    Start of september I had to move to a different country because of a job. We knew it would be difficult for our relationship, but nonetheless I felt I had to go and at least look at the opportunity, so I did.

    We talked on the phone couple times, video chat last sunday was awesome and we both loved each other very much and we rejoiced at the idea of having a future together.

    Which brings me to the next point, where I feel I might have screwed up.

    Next day I was in town and was attracted to other girls. It felt weird for me, as I knew I had a gf, and so in my infinite wisdom I decided to write my gf about it. I thought, because we were going to get married, it would be good for her to know about me, and my weakness - i ttold her about my temptations to flirt with them and also about my libido - which was already building up from the last time we had s - and erotic dreams.

    First I thought I had done nothing wrong. She replied to my email, doubled down on her commitment to a future together, showed empathy and understanding (or so i thought), and told me that she already loves me how i am.

    I answered something to that, it was in the same spirit as the first email.

    Well, this was on monday. I had also had sent her a text message on telegram. I had not heard from here since then.

    I feel disappointed, and quite frankly, a bit offended that she has left my text message on read and didnt reply. It is obvious that she doesnt value me or is as much interested in me as I am. I can understand, that me opening up myself to her about my lust has decreased her attraction for me, and my situation here (i came here with high spirits - im pretty much at the bottom of my existence now) is a killer aswell.

    I wanted to ask anyone here what is your opinion? Am i being too clingy? Is she being rude? Where to go from here? How can I make the relationship so that it is as it was in the beginning - she was pursuing me 90%?
     
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  2. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    what does that even mean and how is this relevant? :D
     
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  3. Big mistake telling her that. 8 months is not very long man, can’t believe you even discussed marriage really. The context of you being long distance should have told you that it was a bad idea already. The relationship would have already been on the rocks from that alone, whether it appeared fine or not. I think you basically gave her an excuse to pull away, that she likely was already considering. I wouldn’t reach out to her again. Let her be the one to respond don’t send more messages.
     
  4. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    thanks for the response!
    yes i planned to do that. we have had set a video call for sunday evening though, but frankly, if i dont hear from her until then, im not too eager to talk to her at all. if shed love me, shed be supportive of me right now. im feeling worse as ive ever felt in my entire life because of that decision to move her. i plan on quitting, either this friday, or end of september.
     
  5. You are feeling worse because of the job or what’s happened with your relationship?
     
  6. MindfulWarrior

    MindfulWarrior Fapstronaut

    Well what's the problem exactly, the fact that she hasn't reached since your last conversation? Seems like she was supportive in the last message she sent you.
    How frequently do you guys usually talk otherwise? Seems like you might be freaking out.

    Gotta warn you though asking relationship advice here you're gonna get a solid amount of red pill stuff. Take it with a grain of salt.
     
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  7. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    i feel shit because of the job, and that i am in another country. the fact that the gf didnt reply to me since monday doesnt make it better. if i was home, i guess i wouldnt care as much about it.


    Yea, the problem is that she hasnt reached since our last conversation. Its true, she was supportive and told me she loved me, but I replied something after, to which she didnt reply anything. The message is left on read. isnt that just rude?
    Since were together we hear from each other at least once each day, in one form or another (phone call, textmessage, or we saw each other).. there only was one day where we didnt have contact at all.
    Really seems like im freaking out. maybe your right. its this place. i live on a remote place, have no social life, barely understand the language. i feel like i want to just pack my stuff and run home.
     
  8. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    8 months an you are already talking abour marriage? you don't know her yet. take a few years to start talking about this stuff. YOu are still in the honey moon period. Keep dating her until you really get to know her in her best and her worst.

    Is good to manage your issues, but if you have issues in just 8 months there are plenty of them going your way.

    Was the rigth call. You bearly know this woman. Don't give up your life and dreams for her. (In reallity, don't do it even if you are married. A woman that is in your team will move with you to the new country. She will follow you to the end of the world)

    This is a good sign. She is still putting effort on the relationship.

    No.. letting your woman know your weaknesses is only going to bring drama and lower her attraction to you.

    So you tell her basically that you were going to flirt with other woman while dating her.. only woman that don't value themselves will accept this kind of behaviour from your part.

    Always see what woman do, not what they say. In her world she is always going to be supportive, but in the backstage her attraction to you is going to be lower and lower.

    You send her an email, she doesn't responded.. so you messaged her again on another plataform. YOu are probably feeling fear of loosing her after open up about your weaknesses. YOu are showing more weakness with this behaviour.

    This is what normally happens. You show weakness.. her attraction to you lowers.. she fall back.
    She told you that everything would be allrigth.. but with her actions she is backing off.

    You told her that you like to flirt with other woman... what do you spected? most woman will dump you if you tell them that.

    She was.. put after showing weakness and telling her that you like to flirt with woman her attraction and interest to you decresed.

    Off course, so don't be dissapointed she is not that much interested in you.

    This is also a turn off. If you feel that way, you are going to behave acording to that belive. Most people are not going to be so willing to hang with a guy that is that low and that is so negative.

    Get your shit together.. you can't flirt with other woman if you want to be a in serious relationship.

    You are been too weak.. that is making her loose interest in you. Moreover you are living in another country. That's not helping in any relationship.

    No, she is just not willing to accept you flirting with other woman. She is just turned off by your weak behaviour. She is just reacting to it.

    Do nothing, you already send her an email and a message. Let her contact you and see what happens. The ball in on her court. If she doesn't contact you again, you have your answer.

    Start to behave masculine like you were in the beginning. Long distance relationship never work so.. i would definitevely look for another woman in my own country if she is not willing to move to your current country.

    Woman only pursue 90% of the times guys that they are really attracted to. So.. the only way that she is going to do it, is if she gets interested in you again. The only way to do that is to let her come tou you again, and act masculine in every interaction. Get your shit together and stop foolling around with other woman.
     
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  9. GodsDaughter

    GodsDaughter Fapstronaut

    Hey!

    Female perspective here.

    Honestly it sounds like she may just need time to process everything. Relationships are about growth and hard work, and most women have been psychologically conditioned to live in a pretend world where men don't have problems such as these.

    Here are some tips regarding women:

    1. Equipping. Most women haven't been equipped to deal with men's sexual issues and struggles. Men likewise. We all need to grow relationally. It's okay. Be gracious toward yourself and toward her.

    Only you know her spirit, and can read her best out of anyone here.
    If you sense she is frustrated or annoyed with you, know that it doesn't mean you are unlovable or a bad person. The feelings of rejection are probably just that she has no idea how to handle the situation.

    Women also have this "thing" where they want their men to be mind readers, so they don't communicate. :emoji_joy:
    Yeah, this is immaturity, and you can kindly teach and encourage her how to communicate in the future as you also learn... But for her to communicate and reply, she needs to first know that you will be safe and kind with her heart.

    Always remember that at her core, she is looking for safety, acceptance, and love as well from you.

    2. Compassion and patience. Be compassionate toward yourself and use her (lack of) response as helpful information and as a compass. Needing a sense of approval and validation from her will only produce frustration. This can also create codependency and other relational problems.

    3. Release her from having to fill that need in your heart. When you release her from that pressure and expectation to respond and be a rock for you, then you will get free and secure within your identity as a man that you want to be, who loves and protects her and understands her.

    Security is important with us. When you are free, then she will feel free and not pressured. She will see your freedom and confidence. She will come back to you because she will then feel safe to respond to communicate to you, and desire be with you.

    Confidence, safety and security create an atmosphere for growth and true relational vulnerability.

    4. Communication. Finally, communication and trust are key to a successful relationship. She might just want you to take initiative in a different, less clingy way:

    Reply to her with something like:

    "Hey, I know that I may have bothered you, and I probably made you question a lot of things about me.
    That's the last thing I want for us. I just wanted to let you know that I am doing everything I can to become a better man, and a better man for you. I want you to trust me and feel safe around me. That trust will take time, for both of us. I'm willing to put in whatever it takes.

    I don't want to pressure you, and I am sorry if you feel pressured. I am growing myself.

    I need you to communicate and tell me where you are in all of this. Communication is important to every relationship, and we need to communicate if we are ever going to make things work. I cannot understand or know you more deeply we don't communicate...

    Do you just need time? Or is something else in your heart?
    "

    If she doesn't respond to something like this, she's crazy or done, or playing games. But give her a lot of time still.

    In the waiting time after you send the message, work on yourself. Do stuff like work out for example, pursue hobbies, grieve productively to release toxic emotions and mindsets, listen to videos and read books on relationships, pray for her (if you believe), but don't obsess over her.

    Release her from your emotional grip, and she WILL come back once she sees that you are secure within yourself in a healthy way.

    Be sure to end it with a question so she can answer directly. Put this question in her lap so she will have to respond and communicate. Also, try to avoid ever using the word "You" with her as well as a reminder.

    ...If she still doesn't reply after a few weeks, be assertive by telling her that IF she is done, that she needs to be clear to let you know. She probably won't want to hear that so she will reply.

    You will be okay!

    Hope this helps. God bless.
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2021
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  10. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your response. I get it, most of what you tell me is red pill - textbook stuff, but I get the point. You mistook what I wrote though, I never told her that i liked to flirt with other women, I confessed to her that I had a temptation to do so, which is different. When you are in a committed relationship, expecting to get married, I believe its the right thing to open up about yourself, so that she gets to know and understand you more deeply - and then decide for herself, if she wants to put up with it for the rest of her life. If you carry this on your own, it might come out one day down the road, in many years, and then she'll be surprised, that the man she married is not the man she thought he would be..

    From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your response! It helped me a lot to understand her better and myself better. I sensed that - she didn't know how to handle the situation, and that she just needs time. I will give her that time and wait for her to reach out.

    I understand that (women havent been equipped to deal with mens sexual issues and struggles). By confessing to her about my temptations, did I do anything wrong? I'd be curious to hear your opinion on this.

    I sense that she does not know how to handle the situation (even though she initially replied to me in a very loving and understanding manner), and that maybe she is a bit appalled by me being so weak in this (lust, temptations).

    Is this true? :D

    thank you, i learned something today. i feel like ive been projecting my own behaviour on others. for me, as man, i would use the direct way, no matter what happens, no matter how confronting it would be.
    how do i let her know that i will be safe and kind with her heart though? is the message you provided (thank you) letting her know (that)? if it was me, i'd just be saying something like: hey, you didn't reply to my last message. i saw, you left it on read. i felt it was kinda rude. it makes me feel odd. i feel like you're not interested in me.

    She is?
    Ive been so selfish then, lately. Ive been having a hard time, moving here, and Ive pretty much only talked about me, and our future together.
    I wish I could give her that safety and acceptance and love. But how can I? Im in another country (for now).

    i use it as a compass that a - it was wrong of me to open up this aspect of myself to her. even though she wrote me she loves me how i already am, and that she is mine etc., her actions speak louder than words, dont they? i shouldnt have opened up, because this is a weight i have to carry myself, dont i.

    thank you! this is what i needed to hear. this is what i need to do! ive been too emotionally attached to her the past time, mostly, because i have had no other purpose in my life than her.

    you know what? i am going to start looking at myself and caring for myself again, starting right now!

    thanks again, you make me understand her perspective better!
    I think it would be better to leave her some time and space for herself. I feel like sending her this message now would put too much pressure on her (its only since monday we last had contact). Id wait a couple days until i send her something of that sort. Sunday we have set a skype date anyways.

    yes!

    you mean like, writing her something like: "You didnt reply to me?" why not?

    yes, it helps a ton! thank you so much! God bless!

    well, in my case, she probably doesnt answer because she is unsure of the whole situation.
     
  11. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    You told her you wanted other women and you are surprised she doesn't feel the same about you? Look, once a guy says that, a woman looses attraction. Would you really want her if she said the same thing to you? I think not...

    Be happy that you are not trapping an innocent woman in marriage hell and think twice before committing if you have a wandering eye. That's just cruel and unnecessary. To answer your question, no she isn't rude, she has what's called dignity and a spine.
     
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  12. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    hey, thanks for your response, its much appreciated, although deviating a bit ..
    i think you are being a bit harsh. i did not tell her that i wanted other women of course! i told her, that i was noticing other women, and that i was tempted to flirt with them. this is not the same. i told her too, that i didnt want any other women than her. i wanted to open up to her about myself, that is all. i am on this forum because i am/have been a porn addict, you see. and temptations of lust go hand in hand with that. i wanted to reveal to her, whats going on, with the intent, to one day conquer this side of me. never had i told her or displayed her that i actually wanted other women.. i agree, that would be cruel.
     
  13. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    It probably grosses her out that you think of other women in a sexual manner. A man with a porn addiction should not be in a relationship. It's harsh, but its the least cruel option. Trust me, I've seen so many women destroyed by this cancer that I no longer sugar coat it like many of the other PAs do. Women are not meant for mental harems.
     
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  14. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    i love her though.
     
  15. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    She won't care about your love if you lust towards others. Love is a pitiful band aid on what could potentially become an all consuming, soul destroying, self esteem crushing, wound.
     
  16. MindfulWarrior

    MindfulWarrior Fapstronaut

    Give it time don’t rush anything, maybe you can find a way to make some friends or something.
     
  17. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    well, she broke up with me. heres that. frankly, im surprised. on sunday we talked and we were much in love and we talked about our future. i called her, said that i dont understand and believe, yadayadayada, and i said i give her all the time she needs, and if she changes her mind, she should call me.
    note to myself: never open up yourself too much
    note to myself: women will never support you when you go through tough times.
     
  18. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    No woman wants to be with a man who cannot control his sexual thoughts or behaviors. What you should get from this is porn addiction and lust will destroy your relationships. Focus on your healing and becoming the best version of yourself. I think you did the right thing by telling her, just probably not the right time with you having moved . Better you know now than 5 years and two kids into a marriage. Better that she knows now than after kids and marriage.
     
  19. MindfulWarrior

    MindfulWarrior Fapstronaut

    Fuck man, sorry. Tough times for you being away and breaking up at the same time. So weird she was that supportive when she was thinking the opposite. Hope you can make some friends and meet some cute girls wherever you are. There will be others and you’ll find the one for you some day hopefully.
     
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  20. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Damn I obviously missed that memo - I loved my husband for his kindness, humor and brains! He had nothing when we met, was in debt when we married and used my money that I came with to buy our first house.
     

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