am i clingy or is she rude?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by matt2k12, Sep 9, 2021.

  1. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear about this dude. It definitely sucks. I've been there before.

    Only way to go from here is forward. Life goes on, and you have to move on as well.

    Learn from this experience as much as you can and apply your wisdom to future situations. You have two main schools of thought going forward:
    • you made some critical errors that you need to refrain from in the future
    • she is an evil witch and you were the most reasonable and compassionate partner during your relationship and there is nothing wrong with what you did so you shouldn't change at all
    Of course there will probably be a middle ground that you follow going forward, but I would advise veering far more towards the former of the two. I think it's obvious you made a mistake telling her you feel really interested in other women since you've been away. If I was in a long distance relationship for a significant amount of time and the girl told me she was interested in seeing other men, I'd probably cut it off right there as well.

    Did she handle it the best? Definitely not. Is she a little shallow and not very understanding about your situation? Perhaps. Was she solely focused on draining your resources and attention for her own benefit? Probably not. Is every woman you're going to meet just use you for your money and protection and dump you immediately when she finds a better partner? Absolutely not.

    The world doesn't work like that. Women enjoy many things about relationships besides money and protection. Women like to talk about their problems. They like to fuck. They like to take care of their men. They like to do fun things. They like to have someone to rely on.

    I'm sorry this didn't work out for you, but the relationship was a little rocky already, so it's best for you that it ended. Focus on your job and settling in another country. Make some friends, save some money, and enjoy your life. When you're ready, get back into the dating market and look to have good experiences with women. Don't jump into anything too quickly, just have a good time. If you find yourself repeatedly hanging out with one girl, it might be a good idea to settle down for a while.

    You've been knocked down, but I know you can get up. There's great times and experiences waiting for you
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2021
    TiredOfHurting and matt2k12 like this.
  2. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    As I told you before, women always back off at some point. If she goes distant you do the same, wait until she comes back at you, women are like cats the more you chase the more she backs away. Give her room and an opportunity to miss you.

    This is a completely normal behaviour in a girl.
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  3. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Also not a good idea in the first place to tell her you are horny and are looking at other girls.

    You can see that after this she back off.
    You don't and shouldn't have to share all your thoughts to your girlfriend.

    A man lights up the life of a woman, you don't go and share your emotional, mental or sexual, porn addictions problems with her. It just does not work out. You are the stable person in the relationship you are the light you are the sun always shinning.

    Women on the other hand are the moon, they change they go angry, happy, distant, close. They complain and it is fine
    matt2k12, Rehab101 and jcl1990 like this.
  4. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    thank you all for your support! i cannot tell you how much it means to me right now.

    it is weird isnt it? this adds to me feeling shit. it was just on monday that she literally said: she is very proud of me and she loves me already for who i am. and on thursday she says she never loved me and that its over. isnt it cruel, given that im going through a rough time myself? isnt it childish, to do it over an email?!!

    thank you @StarRider . you know, i actually have been immersed red pill well into this year, but since we got together more and more i dismissed (of) it. i feel like shit. do you believe all women are alike? if so - whats the point?

    thank you. you are right, it was wrong of me. however i read a ton of stories, also on this forum and ybop, where men open up to their women about their struggles (with porn, lust), and those women are supportive, and they marry and are happy. i didnt even do that. and first she said she loves me already for who i am and that shes proud of me. i was immersed in the red pill. but red pill means you cant authentically love a woman. i am confused.

    thank you, it means a lot. you know, its just so confusing. she first said she loved me already for who i am and that shes proud of me (for being here) - this was on monday. and yesterday she said she never loved me and that its over. brutal.

    but you know what. fuck that shit. i know i can get better. two times this girl was in the clinic because of her eating disorders, months stays each, last was last year. when i met her she had 43 kg and her fingers looked swollen, puffy, red and her fingernails were torn and yellow. i pitied her, when i first met her, and thought that maybe i could help her. i fell in love only during our holidays. she is a fucking cleaner in a school. i am an engineer with a masters degree working in switzerland now making 80K a year. i have drifted off my purpose, my manhood, and me being down because of that rejection is proof i have (drifted off). i am fucking in the prime of my life, 29yo, healthy, with tons of experience. she's 26, infertile, anorexic, never left her home town except for this summer with me, has other illnesses due to her anorexia, some of which can become more lethal my uncle said who is a doctor. why would i even want someone like that? i have options. she will get back to me, once she feels alone. and she will feel alone, because who on this earth would want her. fuck that shit, seriously, fuck her. i can get better. and fuck me, for even allowing myself to feel fuck sorry and unhappy. i have to get my act together. and you know what, if she comes back, fuck her.
    no, i am not angry. just allowed myself a little rant. i will pray for her too, of course.
    Rehab101 likes this.
  5. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    I just read the first post, I don't know the all story, and that you broke up or anything. But come on man, don't talk like this.

    Don't go from love to hate, she gave you her heart, remain in good terms, usually break ups are just a test.

    But I'll have to read the all thing, even do what you said about looking at other girls and being horny is not a good thing.

    But don't talk like that, you are being a douche tbh.
  6. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Also all this started because you are in different countries, long distance relationships usually don't work, that is why I told you I always break up when this happens.

    Take into account this too, you are angry and emotional right now. Take some time to think things in a calm manner.
  7. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    yes, you are right. still, lot of men here and on ybop tell stories about opening up to their women about their struggles with p and lust - what do you say to that? me telling her was the same intent. sure i wouldnt repeat it, lesson learned.
    thanks for being blunt. i dont want to be (a douche).
    yes she gave me her heart, but she unilaterally changed the terms of the relationship when she broke up.
    you say break ups are a test. what do you mean? what test?

    what do you mean by that - she puts my parenting skills to the test? :D

    youre right

    thanks, youre right.
  8. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    You were not talking about porn, you are a man in another country different from hers telling her you are horny and looking at other girls.

    What is she going to think?
    First, if you are in love you will never think or consider sleeping with other girls, faithfulness comes naturally.

    So the first thing she could think is you don't love her. You are not a man that she can trust, you can't keep it in your pants.
    You are using her just for sex.

    All this is probably not true, but women are negative creatures they usually only see the negative side of things.
    She just felt you were not so much into her any longer. She sees the situation from her emotional point of view, not a rational point of view. She is a woman, not a man they don't think like us, you can't expect her to think like you, because she won't.

    I say try to talk it out, explain you made a mistake, that you love her. And that you can remain friends and you are open to be still be with her, she is hurt agmd angry her emotions will change. It is not like you cheated, you just had a moment of weakness and misjudgement by telling her.

    Also man you are an engineer, you are making the assumption that talking to your girl was the right choice because other man did something similar to their girls.

    But as an engineer and a man of reason you don't see that you have a particular problem different from them, also every problem requieres a different precise solution, think differently and find solutions that is what an engineer is all about.
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  9. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    She is actually breaking up for real with you. But if you remain calm and wait for her to reach out to you again, if you react in a loving a caring attitude this will bring her attention and love for you back. This will show your real character.

    And now you are not showing good traits tbh, but is normal break ups and emotional world of women are difficult to deal.

    Make the situation clear with her say sorry, remain friendly and supportive and wait until she comes back at you, because she will
  10. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    tbh im just displaying that behaviour here.. after i read her email, i called her, told her that i dont understand, and that i know it was a mistake from me to tell her (what i did) and that i still love her, and that i give her all the time, and if she changes her mind, she can call me. thats what i did.
    modern milarepa likes this.
  11. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    That is good. Leave it there. Wait for her to calm down
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  12. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Also you are in a porn recovery site be careful of who you take advice, this is full of confused people, blinded minds with red pill culture, lust and porn
  13. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    thanks for your support, i really appreciate it. honestly, im not sure whether, if she reaches out, i want her back. we will see. this weekend im going to a silent retreat, praying, reading, meditating. i had planned that anyway.

    good to hear different perspectives though. and frankly i think it is amazing how supportive people are. this thread has showed me that. people that dont know (me) reach out, spend their valuable time to support / comfort / talk to me. i want to give that back hence on.
    Rehab101 and modern milarepa like this.
  14. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    The thing is not so much telling her you looked at other girls it's what is implied in the words: cheating.

    Tell her, assure her you will never cheat on her. That is the deep issue here.
  15. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    i dont want to run after her now. i already talked with her and said what i told you i said. i dont want to blow her already inflated ego.
  16. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    It's not running after her, it's just making one last thing clear. That was the all point of the problem. It can be a simple text. And you leave it there.

    But if you wamt to make it an ego battle, you do you.
    matt2k12 likes this.
  17. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    ok. i wrote her. thank you
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  18. matt2k12

    matt2k12 Fapstronaut

    ok, but in this (my) part of the story - where do you see that she puts my parenting skills to the test? you mean, she breakups, and instinctively she wants to see what my reaction to this is?
  19. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    I think that is better to work to solve your issues and then think about dating other people. The idea is to go to a relationship to give, but to give positive things to the other person, and not all your baggage you are not willing to work to solve by yourselve. Most woman are not going to put up with the fact that you are tempted to flirt with oher woman.

    Besides that, you turned her off by doing that. Showed weakness and she walked away. Is doesn't matter if that argument is red pilled, blue pilled, PUA advice.. whatever.. is just how woman respond to weakness.
    matt2k12 and modern milarepa like this.
  20. GodsDaughter

    GodsDaughter Fapstronaut

    Yeah, no problem!

    No, you didn't do anything wrong, but depending on how long you've been together, it may have been a good idea to take things slowly. In the future, it is always a good idea to get to know her more first in this area by asking prefacing questions about whether she knows much about temptation and sexual lust and what men (and women) battle with at times, rather than just laying it on her like that. Tactfulness and gentleness in the approach is necessary.

    Letting someone know that you are safe and kind is first by demonstrating that. This will take time, and relationships take time to build trust to prove yourself overtime. This also will require patience on the part of both of you. Yes, the letter does encompass that.

    Furthermore, in 2 more of your questions, by saying the words, "You didn't reply, you left it on read... it was kinda rude. etc." These statements can be interpreted as accusatory on her part, and they do sound accuatory, even though you are just stating facts. Also because of the blunt "You" statements and lack of heart connected words. You want to convey hope in the relationship and kindness whenever you have to address a statement to a female (or anyone). Especially women.
    Feel free to re-read the message I provided if you need to get the spirit behind how to soften the words behind such issues a bit better. :)

    Relationships are all about both people, not just 1! It's good that you are realizing this, because a lot of people can get self-centered in relationships. That's when they fail.
    Long distance relationships do work contrary to popular belief, but they require more time. You can do so from a distance through sharing your heart with her through text, being loyal to her, and demonstrating that you are and can be safe to her. If she confides in you, honor that. If she pushes back, honor her space. If she needs help communicating, try to help her. Treat others how you want to be treated, and hopefully she will be and do the same for you, as you both grow in maturity.

    Awesome. Way to go! Big thumbs up. :D

    Yes, I mentioned in the conclusion of the message to wait about 2 weeks perhaps. Definitely do not send it soon.

    Hope this helps!

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