am I going crazy? help very much appreciated

You're not wrong. You have rights to the relationship you have with him. I don't think he's in the right state of mind to say that you're wrong for wanting control but I might be unable to understand what he said. You want the best for him as his significant other which is not unreasonable. If he can't appreciate how good you are being to him, I would advise either leaving him or trying to be peaceful and try to find a way to help him fix himself.

 

Then ask him this: which is more important to you? Porn or me?
If he chooses you then ask him to pay more attention to you and love you more than he cares for porn.
If he doesn't choose you... Well... I guess you know what that means.

 

It's fine. You'll get through this. And don't worry about the words. I just want to ease some pain if possible.

 

If he thinks he can handle it, then you should trust him. However, you're not making a scene, you're just caring and looking out for him. He might not appreciate that and is reacting to you this way because of that.

 

You should try talking to someone called lovelyresolution31. She's going through the same thing. I think she might be of some help.

 

No one said you should. You're not wrong for wanting a healthy relationship with your boyfriend but you shouldnt criticize him for anything. It only breeds hatred and it damages his self importance. I recall you having a similar issue a couple of moths ago, it's late to say this but it's good to have you back on this site. I hope you find peace within your heart and if you'd like a friend, I don't mind being one and if you need me in a hurry, my pm are open. Good luck.

 

But he is keeping you away from a monogamous relationship.

You are not controlling him, he is in fact controlling you. He forces you to involuntary polygamy, where his "need" for external sex is violating your right to a safe, monogamous union with the same partner that promised you exactly that. It IS his problem, but he doesn't have a problem with making it yours. And that's exactly the problem!

Before you take any further steps, it's important that you establish YOUR rights and develop a 100% unapologetic attitude towards them. He is in fact violating those very rights, and thereby abusing you. When you realize, deep into your core, that you have an unwaivered right to live a life free from someone else's compulsive sexual agenda, then you can also emancipate yourself from the mental shackles he has constructed for you. It's very convenient for him to turn it around, making you the "controller", so that he can blindfold himself to the abuse he is subjecting you to.

Don't forget that it's the porn addicts mission to make you feel as guilty as possible; that way he can keep doing what he is doing with little to no remorse, and keep in mind that empathy towards a man child can be terribly entangling. Very few guys would have put up with similar behaviour from a woman, yet you are expected to deal with it on a day to day basis. No. Just no.

 

Facts.

 

That's up to him to make this relationship work the way you want it to. The best way to get what you want from people is giving them something they want. It's the only good way and most effective way. It's not too much to ask, he might just like having you around and doesn't really mean that he loves you, which is possible and won't have a good effect on your tired heart. Like I said, in order to gain something from someone and it's something you want, give them something they want so that they can return the favor.

 

That makes relational mutuality sound so manipulative.........

I feel that just wont end well if it means you want totally different things. If you cant come to realize it is the same type of relationship you want then you're always trying to manipulate the direction of things against one another and nobody is happy.

I'm sorry blue..... what you are going through is familiar to most of us. It can get worse, and i i wa you to know that the resolution is not around the corner. It will be a very long time compared to what you feel you can still put up with. You are a giver and you cant understand how his mind is working through these choices because to you a relationship automatically involves sacrafice to maintain the balance. He is not in a balanced state of mind. His emotions are miscalibrated somewhere deep where he perceives a detriment, deficits or lack of basic needs that may have occured in early childhood. He struggles to empathize with you because he was not able to learn to see beyond his own unmet needs/ pain at some point.

A question for you blue.... Are you able to find a creative outlet for these difficult experiences? If its causing you significant trouble creatively then i i ththk you might need to put distance and the relationship needs to be on hold. You will be damaging yourself to stay and need to address your own attachment issues from early childhood to get those boundaries strengthened.

Trying this rn myself and it is so so painful and lonesome, but i feel its the healthiest way. Some days i relap into trying to control and seek safety outside myself but its all the more absurd and obvious since i have intentionally added distance and created barriers between myself and .... Sigh..... Former partner

 

After reading your post you see him as a porn addict, on the other side he is not a porn addict. he just enjoy looking at porn and don't think is bad at all.

Yeah, that is what I look for in a relationship....... please! please! i want that.... c'mon girl, you can do better.

If you can't.. it's easy! he is not the last man in the world! as you can get him you can get another man like him or even better to have a happier relationship.

If he don't want to stop with porn you have no rigth to demand him to stop.

I didn't get this one, is he telling you that he consume porn because you deny him to do it... or he do porn because of you.

"we installed" I'm sure you intalled it against his will and basically you are not allowing him to do what he wants. You are been controlling and that is no ok. He is also a pussy to don't stand up to you and don't let you be this way.

Is not true, but he don't want to cut it out of his life. He thinks he need it ot enjoy it... no matter what is his choice to keep doing porn. Is his D, his hand and his free time, you have no say in that.

For him this is totally fine, for you is totally wrong so you are creating a lot of drama out of it.

For you is wrong.. for him is not. So... figure that out..

If you think that porn is not acceptable for a man to be in a relationship with you then tell him that. Make your boundries really clear and let him decide what he want to do. If he chooses to keep porn because he don't think is bad then you need to dump him and go look for a guy that is not into porn.
If he decides that he don't want more porn in his life then let him take porn out of his life by himself. Trust in him doing it. If you catch him still consuming porn then let him go too, he is going to keep consuming it behind your back. You are better without him.