Am I just jealous?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Becoming Jasmine, Sep 11, 2018.

  1. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    So I’ve been trying to get into a relationship since 9th grade. I started out hopeful, and confident that in a year or two, I could at have had one relationship, or even just one date. Fast forward 4 years later, and I’m one of like, 2 seniors who’s never gotten a date before in my life. The other has autism, and has no interest in dating (for the record, he’s awesome).

    And it isn’t as though I haven’t been trying. I have tried harder than I’ve seen anyone else try in this school. But nobody has ever been even remotely interested in me. Looking back on it, I honestly can’t think of anything I did particularly wrong. I approached people, I at least faked having confidence, and I listened to my intuition. But still, nothing.

    And I’m not trying to clame victimhood or some shit like that. I mean, I’m not owed anything. These people are well within their rights to ignore me. But still, struggling and struggling to get a date, and seeing all my friends have massive, easy relationship success kinda stings.

    One of my friends found a girlfriend online, and after meeting her in real life, they are both so in love that they want to get married. And my other friend didn’t even have to try at all. A girl literally just walked right up to him and asked him to have sex with her. It’s a similar situation with every single friend I have. While I put in 110% effort into it, they basically have it made.

    It just feels so demoralizing to know that I’m the one person in my school and in my friend group who wasn’t good enough for anyone. Like, what’s so absolutely repulsive about me? I honestly do not know. ‘Cause there are people who are genuine rapists and people who have stabbed others in my school, and all of them sure as hell get more action than me.

    Like, I just wanna know. Do I sound reasonable, or just jealous?
     
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  2. JoePineapples

    JoePineapples Fapstronaut

    Hi Jasmine. Believe me, I know how you feel. I'm going to give you the hardest advice, but although it's going to be tough to follow, believe me, it's true.

    The first, and most important, thing is to stop trying to get into a relationship. Don't chase. Don't work at it. Don't even want it.

    Then work on yourself. You're doing NoFap, so you're already on a bit of a self improvement kick. Work out what makes you truly happy, and do more of it. Master your hobbies... Become truly passionate about something (anything).

    Stop comparing yourself to others. Compare yourself to one person... the person you were yesterday.

    Once you stop worrying about getting a date, that's when it will happen. One you stop looking, that's when you will find it. Good luck.
     
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  3. Hitto

    Hitto Fapstronaut

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    I think you aren’t necessarily jealous just frustrated and confused trust me in high school I didn’t even start becoming social till my senior yr and I didn’t date anybody or have sex. Just because you see others getting into relationships doesn’t mean they are happy or more valuable than you. I would just focus on your studies and trying different activities and not be so overly concerned about having a girlfriend just be happy that you are trying to better yourself and spend less energy focusing on the things you don’t have. It can be hard especially in high school seeing your friends getting girls and having sex but you don’t have to be pressured into it just be your own person you will better off in the long run and continue to stay away from pmo it’s honestly a remarkable thing that you are dealing with this problem this early I didn’t see the problem with pmo until I was 27 good luck
     
  4. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I know I should just give up at this point, and I pretty much have. It’s not even about relationships at this point. It’s about how the world is just rubbing it right in my face how easy it is for everyone else. It’s basically one big “fuck you” from the universe.
     
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  5. JoePineapples

    JoePineapples Fapstronaut

    It's not so much "giving up" as "letting go", and changing your focus. Then, while you're otherwise engaged, I can pretty much guarantee something will happen. And the universe loves you :)
     
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  6. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    I mean, I guess it might work. I’m not a believer in the idea that things just work out on their own. When I want something, I have to fight tooth and nail to force reality to make it happen, whereas everybody else just kinda gets that exact thing with little to no effort. So if the universe loves me, I’d love to know why the hell it chooses to express it by constantly rubbing it my face that I’m not good enough.
     
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  7. JoePineapples

    JoePineapples Fapstronaut

    So just read that back...
    You're fighting tooth and nail, and it's not working out.
    Others aren't even trying, and it's working out.
    Kinda what I'm saying.
    So, some things in life you DO have to work at. Most things actually. And despite all the evidence above I'm not some mumbo jumbo law of attraction "ask the universe" kind of guy. Just the opposite. I'm a complete pagmatist. BUT when it comes to dating, there's nothing, NOTHING, less attractive to the opposite sex than being desperate for a date. By being more confident, more absorbed in other things, you become more attractive. Trust me, I've been there. It wasn't until I "gave up" that I met the love of my life. Btw, she'd "given up" too!
     
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  8. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    Fine. I get it. I’ll stop trying. I really didn’t think I was acting all that desperate. I put a lot of effort into not being desperate. But whatever. It’s not trying hard was helping anyway.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2018
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  9. JoePineapples

    JoePineapples Fapstronaut

    Hope I haven't come across too bullying or bossy. Honestly, although I don't know you, really hoping for the best for you. Take care.
     
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  10. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    Well, thanks for that.
     
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  11. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    I actually do have one way I could at least lose my perpetual virginity. My aforementioned friend who got easy sex offered to try to find someone to help me experiment a bit.

    I’m trans mtf, but I’m totally closeted, so he wanted to help me to see how comfortable I am using my male bits for sex. I think he could probably pull it off, since he’s way more popular than I’ll ever be.

    Still though. I’m not sure I want to tie my first and possibly only sexual experience to needing my friend’s help. It might just be even more of a constant reminder of how I can’t attract anyone.
     
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  12. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    Well, at least I’m not totally alone in this. Oh, and I made up for starting noFap early by first learning to masturbate before I was even 5 years old. I was a fun child to deal with.
     
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  13. Roffelaar

    Roffelaar Fapstronaut

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    This is the best advice you will get in this thread. This is the only truth.

    Once you ignore us as guys then we start chasing.
     
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  14. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    Well, that’s fair. Like I said, I’m still closeted, so I haven’t really tried to date any guys yet, though I’d certainly like to.

    I dunno. Maybe it’ll get easier when I can pass as a girl.
     
  15. Burrich1

    Burrich1 Fapstronaut

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    Hey Jasmine,

    In high school, most people are still trying to figure themselves out. Everyone is fairly new to their sexuality, And a lot of the kids aren’t even comfortable in their own skin. Then add to this peer pressure and Kids being overly concerned with what others may think and you have a whole bunch of akward high schoolers who have absolutely no clue trying to navigate the scary world of dating.

    The 10 year relationship I reacently got out of this year was with an Asian girl. She was adopted from another country and went to an almost all white high school. She was always attracted to white men. In high school, she was very similar to you. She said she didn’t think guys were interested in her, and was depressed from it. She never really got asked out until college. I pointed out these same things out to her. I told her that I wouldn’t have been courageous enough in high school to ask her out. Sure enough, a few years later, more than one guy from her high school confessed to her they had a huge crush on her and regretted never acting on it.

    I didn’t start dating until I was 17. It was my senior year. When I was 19, I had a wonderful year and a half relationship with a black girl while in college. It was probably one of the best connections I ever had in my life. But I knew I wasn’t emotionally mature enough and comfortable enough in myself while I was in high school to date her if I had known her then.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are just very young. I’m sure you aren’t the reason why you haven’t been out on a date. I know you are a genuine, caring and helpful person. So, I am sure your reason for not having been on a date is everyone else. Right now, your kind of trapped in the immature pool around you. I guess my advice is to not worry. You will be out of high school and into college soon. In college, people are way more comfortable in their skin. They have figured out stuff about themselves, and they are no longer as concerned about what others around them think. I know you will come into your own as far as dating goes shorty.

    Oh, and I’m sure this is full of more extreme stories of hardship than what your complaint is here, but maybe you should check out Dan Savages project itgetsbetter.org. He actually created it because so many lgbtq kids were committing suicide and the whole point of it was once you get out of your high school or small town or family situation and go out into the real world, it gets better. The lgbtq community goes on and posts stories of encouragement to help these kids. Now I know from what you posted here that isn’t your complaint, but i would be willing to bet it still applies to lgbtq dating in high school. I promise it will get better for you.

    Anyway, I have re-read this several times and I’m not 100% sure I’m getting my point across, but I can’t figure out how to change it to be clearer. I hope it helps.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
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  16. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    I'm confused just reading that.

    Clarify this for me if I didn't understand this properly.

    So you look like a male, but you're trying to become female and you're currently looking to date or have sex with females... and eventually males as well when you come out of the closet?

    Trying to understand your situation better and looking at it from the point of view of the people that you've approached.
     
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  17. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the response, I appreciate it. I think I may have been a bit rude and complainy in this thread, but I do appreciate advice from people.

    Yeah, I guess I see what you’re talking about. People are awkward, people are immature. I’m also going to an extremely small school, so I guess there aren’t that many options.

    The thing about everyone telling me dating will become a possibility for me in college is that everybody said the exact same thing about high school. So if I act dissatisfied with that answer, it’s because I’m getting serious dejavu here. Like, people seem to have this idea that if I just hold a bit longer, I’ll have more dates than I can count, but everyone’s had that idea for years now, and I’m done believing it.

    I recently realized that I actually can think of one person who was attracted to me. A girl in Panama during a school trip there. I know it was probably just because I was a foreigner, and that she really didn’t know me at all, but hey, I’ll take what I can get, and that’s pretty much all I can get.

    I’ll be sure to check out the It Gets Better site, that might help a bit.
     
  18. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    Sorry. I kind of rushed through that. I just get tired of writing my explanation out on every thread due to how few trans people there are here.

    So anyway, to start this off, I want to make it clear that I still currently present as male to everyone. I approached everyone as a male, and I acted as a male. I only even really accept being transgender about 3 months ago. Just because that’s when the feelings became so intense, that I just couldn’t ignore them anymore. I don’t want to alarm you, but I’ve honestly had the feeling that I just cut away my crotch, and made slits in my chest, that I would find female genitalia underneath, and that breasts would pop out from underneath. Obviously I haven’t done that because, well, I’m not crazy.

    So anyway, now for the whole sex partner thing. Firstly, I don’t think I specifically mentioned only wanting sex with girls. Personally, I’d rather have sex with boys at this point. It just sounds more fun. Secondly, I’m still wondering about whether I’m comfortable with my penis, or whether I should plan on someday getting a sex change. I’m particularly wondering about how it would feel for sex, so my friend offered to try setting me up.

    I’m gonna choose to take him up on it, just because these kinds of opportunities are rare, and I probably won’t get another chance to have sex for a very very long time.

    Anyway, feel free to ask anymore clarifying questions if you’re still confused!
     
  19. Burrich1

    Burrich1 Fapstronaut

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    Hey jasmine,

    I promise you don’t come across as rude or complainey at all. You are bummed out it seems like people aren’t interested in you yet. It’s a completely normal response.

    I’m sorry if my post seemed like a canned response you have been getting for years. I remember seeing the more popular kids “going” (lol, yeah, that’s what we called dating or going steady back then) with one another back when I was in 4th grade, and years later, still trying to get over my akwardness. I’m sure I was told the same thing. Just wait until high school or wait until your older, so I can totally see your frustration.

    So Of course that’s what people told you before you entered high school. But now you are a much more complex individual, and still evolving. You said yourself you only fully realized you were trans earlier this year. And the rest of your peers just need to catch up. Sure, not everyone you are interested in will be interested in you in the future, but that’s true for everyone.

    Just make sure you are not going to a small conservative college in a small town. There will be tons of groups, resources, and organizations you will be able to join on campus to meet new People who will be mature enough and self realized enough to date you.

    And I’m really sorry my best advice is to just wait. I don’t know how big of a town you are currently in, but your profile says you are 18. That may open up a few doors for you to meet some slightly older people outside of your current peer group if you are in a hurry. Lots of lgbt bars have 18 and older nights. (And goth/industrial nights tend to have a much more tolerant crowd) If you do though, please be careful.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
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  20. Becoming Jasmine

    Becoming Jasmine Fapstronaut

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    It’s fine. Everyone keeps giving me the same advice, so maybe I should just take it and quit while I’m ahead. Until I get to college that is.

    It just kinda feels to me like people say things like “it’ll happen eventually!” and “just wait ‘till your in high school/college/have a real job/when you’re 90” to make themselves feel like everyone has a life of love awaiting them if they just believe it enough. Because that’s more fun to think than the thought that some people are doomed to have no one who loves them for their entire life. I know that isn’t why you said it, and I don’t yet think that’ll happen to me, but I’m kinda skeptical that it’ll “just happen”.

    The universe doesn’t owe me anything, and neither do any potential partners of mine. I’m not saying it’s hopeless, but it seems like I’m just gonna have to work at it a lot harder than everyone else has to.

    I really hope what you’re saying is true, but I’ve already been let down enough these past 4 years that I’m not getting my hopes up.
     

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