Am I not enough for my fiance?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by bluejay805, Feb 12, 2018.

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  1. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys,

    I'm engaged to be married in a few months and there's a voice in my head that says "walk away now." My fiance is also on this site. He was a porn addict for most of his teens and stopped watching porn when he met me, so he says. He has, after lying about it, admitted he did watch it while with me. He installed Qustodio and Incoquito on his phone and laptop and has given me authority and a password.

    But I can't help but feel that he is genuinely not sexually attracted to me. I'm of middle eastern descent, I have brown hair, brown eyes, fairly light skin and weigh around 120 lbs. I'm told often of how attractive and beautiful I am by my peers, friends, and family. I've never had problem getting men's attention. But I don't feel this way with my fiance. He has seen too much and listened to too much that I don't compare. On our first night together, he was soft. His balls were almost non-existent. He has/had a PMO addiction.

    The women he used to be in love with (all who rejected him) are blondes or brunettes, what you would say are "white." I feel that all he ever watched was porn of light skinned women. He has told me that he has had shame in being a virgin all his life and used porn to cope. But I am the only woman who gave him a chance. I was the one to kiss him first.

    Is it possible that he - or men in general - who have had shame in being a virgin take the first girl who gives them a chance just for the sake of companionship (e.g. sex, to brag that you're not single anymore?). I can't shake this feeling. He denies it of course. Please help
     
  2. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    I am also engaged! First of all, welcome! You will find friends here.

    Second of all, and you will hear this many times, his addiction and what he chooses to masturbate to has nothing to do with your relationship.
    He is looking for ways to escape his daily life. In fact, you will probably find that his true sexual preferences will reveal themselves as he begins to recover, and they will be a lot closer to who you are. He likely finds you very attractive. When he chooses to PMO, he is simply creating a fantasy to separate himself from reality. This does not make you any less attractive to him. I know that won't make sense right now, but it will - in time.

    And thirdly, my fiance only had one sexual partner before me. I have gone back and forth with him several times over the course of our relationship, assuming the worst, that he's only with me because he thinks I'm "the best he can get". We haven't worked that out entirely yet, because I still feel that way a lot of the time.
    So you are not alone here. Feel free to ask me anything.
     
  3. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    You're the first person I've interacted with on this site. Thank you for responding! Perhaps. He has said he felt ugly all his life and the women he wanted to be with with are beautiful. I can't help but wonder if he feels "what ifs" when I'm not around.

    He can't perform sexually. He had PIED
     
  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I second what @WantsToBelieve says, addiction is always about the addict and their lack of ability to cope. I know my husband, the things he liked on insta were the opposite of me (colored hair, tattoo's, etc.) and I was thinking that I wasn't what he wanted. We discussed it, and only months down the line did he realize his taste in porn was because that's what he thought he should have deserve (he was a skater boy who vandalized, stole, drank underage, etc and figured that's who he was supposed to end up with). It's not what he wants, in fact he has a friend who has colored hair and he thinks it's too extreme.

    So what they look at is not necessarily what they want or like. And when it's years of usage, usually their taste can change to things they never would be attracted to in real life.
     
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  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Has PIED.
    He has it...it (D) can take years in reboot to correct and always function properly.
    (everytime)


    Welcome to the forums!!

    My husband has PIED.
    It's difficult to understand the heartbroken feelings.
    I don't know if anything is worse... Than feeling like he's lying when he says he wants you, but it's...just.. Not happening.
    (downstairs)
    Anyways feel free to ask any questions you may have... Buuuuutttt I don't know what else to say since the other ladies already greeted you with most of the information I would have.

    :)
     
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  6. JonB

    JonB Fapstronaut

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    I'll give you my side if this and how PIED wrecked my relationship.

    I was dating a girl (different ethnicity). In the beginning the sex was amazing, incredible, I'd never experienced anything like it. As things when on I started to have more and more difficulty. Until finally we ended it.

    I loved her. I would've done anything for her. If I could go back in time and prevent wrecking myself I would do it in a heartbeat, just for her, but if wishes were horses beggars would ride.

    Not being able to "perform" is one of the most emotionally difficult experiences for a man, and may even drive a man further into addiction because that's where it's safe, where there's no risk of failure or judgement. I dealt with it all, the suspicion, the accusations of cheating, of not loving her, her anger, her sadness. It all hurt more than you can possibly imagine because to me she was perfect.

    What he really needs is support but in the end you're left with the same choice.
     
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  7. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    You say you would have done anything for her, did that exclude PMO or include it? Did you only realize you had a problem with PMO once she left? It's what I'm afraid I have to do, to move on and leave him for him to realize it's something that's wrecking me. I've lost all my confidence. I hate who I am. I used to love myself, and some days I think of killing myself because every interaction with him hurts.

    He masturbates when we fight about this and aren't talking, it's how he copes. If he truly had the will power and desire to do anything for me, it wouldn't be this hard. I understand there's a struggle, but there's a limit to how many times he can keep repeating his behavior. I feel abused by him, the constant deception, his niches for anime with big breasted women in it, for his close relationship with a female mentor whom he practically worshipped and defended, to all the pictures of him with other women on Facebook. He has since stopped this behavior at my behest after fighting, but why couldn't he stop doing it without fights?

    It's easy to say a man would do anything for a woman, but it's so hard for him to do it without my saying. He has no conscious of his own. He calls my parents and plays the victim saying it's so hard to make me happy, he tells me he's given up so much for me. In reality, he has given up all things that were bad for him
     
  8. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    He has an addiction to gaming and fantasy play. He shows no real passion in real life for things other for food and PMO, facebook and games and shows. I wish he would stop and get his pleasure from nature and knowledge and human contact. He is dysfunctional and I don't see him as the father of my kids.
     
  9. JonB

    JonB Fapstronaut

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    To be honest I had stopped for a month before I met her, I didn't start again until after it ended. I think my brain just hadn't recovered enough, maybe at all.

    Well, all I can say is he's addicted. He's formed an internal chemical attachment. I've watched close friends give up addictions to hard drugs, it's never pretty. Hell I'm abstaining from PMO, it's hell for me, and I was always able to pick up and drop highly addictive drugs like they were nothing.

    I really can't advise you on what you should do. All I can do is tell you he's hurting too, even if he can't admit it to himself.
     
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  10. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    My fiance also did something similiar...stopped PMO when he met me, then he chose to watch porn few times since we've been together. He hasn't given up masturbation, and with that death grip thing he hasn't recovered at all since we've met. He has said he has stopped 2 weeks ago completely. Can you tell me if a man needs to experience a rock bottom before training himself to be a better man, or will I always have to tell him to be better? He is notoriously passive :(
     
  11. bluejay, from my own view and with talking from other guys I have never heard of a girl's "attractiveness" being affected by her skin tone. Where there is a preference for lighter coloured skin it is because of cultural or societal pressure rather than sexual preference. If your fiancé has been watching porn dominated with light skin women I am sure that is just because of the ubiquity and abundance of porn in that category, rather than searching it out. I recommend you speak openly about it with him. I also wouldn't hesitate to postpone the wedding on an ultimatum that he gets this under control. That is my view.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
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  12. I was a virgin for all of my twenties. It brought me a lot of self doubt and frustration. I don't think a week went by for ten years where I didn't ask myself, "is there something wrong with me?" To answer your question I do now realize the first two girlfriends I got were not suitable for me. I hesitated to break up with them because I thought about if they were the best I was going to get. Marriage is different though. When I proposed to my now wife there was not a doubt in my mind that I wanted her in everyday of my life. If your fiance has a high view of marriage as a lifelong commitment you can be sure he has a high view of you.
     
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  13. You need to be saying all of this to him.
     
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  14. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    Trust is the major issue. He doesn't have peace in just being with me. Yes, I know he asks himself if this is the best he'll ever get. He doesn't have any confidence
     
  15. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    Were you passive with your first 2 girlfriends as a result of hesitating to break up with them? Were you clingy?
     
  16. No. I have always been an articulate person have never had too much trouble explaining exactly what I feel. I wouldn't say I was clingy either. What I mean is that there were enough signs early on to show that we were never going to be compatible. But because of my low self esteem and lack of experience I did not break up with them right away because I thought, maybe this is as good as it gets? Maybe I won't get another chance at a relationship if this one doesn't work? It took me at least three months in both cases to realise it would be better to be single forever than to be in the relationship, and then I broke up. Another factor for me is that my parents had an awful marriage that eventually ended in divorce. So I never really new what a good relationship would look like. It hadn't been modelled to me. I am so thankful to God's providence and grace to give me a wonderful wife two years ago. We have a great relationship! I say this because I don't know if your boyfriend has had a good relationship modelled to him, so that he knows how to treat a lady? I live in the Middle East and generally men are very distant with their wives.
     
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  17. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    My fiance's parents divorced and his father doesn't treat women well. However, few years ago my fiancé downloaded porn for his dad. His dad also serially cheated on his mom so he doesn't have a good model. He and I fight almost everyday over something he does that I find outside the boundaries of our relationship. He has low self esteem too, and when I verbally abuse him in retaliation to something he's lied about or done he doesn't seem phased. I feel he's only with me bc he couldn't get anyone else, and that's why quitting PMO has been hard for him. He never really gave me a chance if he still had a Facebook filled with old loves and an Instagram full of women. He calls me emails me and begs me to give him chances, he even cries. I just don't know what's real



    y
     
  18. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    I am very happy for you :).

    I
     
  19. Bluejay, if you were my daughter or sister I would be advising you not to marry him at this stage. Everything that I have read on your journal suggests that he lacks an appreciation of the severity of porn. This will not stop when you marry and it will hurt you all the more. Giving him an ultimatum, porn or me, could be the wake up call he needs.
     
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  20. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, yes I am at the stage and have walked away from potentially a horrible life with someone who is too enthralled in his own poison. He isn't mature to see that his actions have consequences, and he doesn't care for them. Thank you
     

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