Am I on the Way Out?

Feb 2015 to Sep 2015: 216day hard mode
Oct 2015 to Dec 2015: Taoist practice no semen lost.
Dec 2015 to May 2016: One reset every 25 days.
Start of June 2016: 3 resets in a row - binge.
Middle of June 2016: 2 resets in a row - binge.

Leading up to the end of May I had an experience of intimacy with girls I fancy on a very deep level. They were also extremely appreciative of this.

One girl I met in the ocean while swimming on the beach. I talked to her for a little and then walked back to the beach. When I turned around she was smiling at me. I was on about a 25 day streak but my physical condition had also improved a lot after a good deal of training which is helping my energy and communication. When she came out of the water I went to chat to her with ease. She put suncream on my back in a very gentle and kind way. Soon after she had to leave and again just before she disappeared she looked at me and smiled.

There was also another girl who I made eye contact with while waiting for the bus. She kept looking back towards me and smiling such a full smile while on the bus. She was wearing this incredible dress and was again incredibly good looking. I did not even talk to her but somehow she was supporting me. To ask her out would have been inappropriate and would have signaled looking for something and destroyed the atmosphere. I made a connection with her before I left the bus and she was absolutely delighted. Beaming.

The third girl I got overconfident with. I saw her and went to sit next to her. We had a really nice chat but then I mo'd about her later that day. Mo has become an objective in itself again a way of experiencing happiness through objectifying women and having the pleasure of mo. This is suffering.

I have a choice:
1. the cycle of mo and suffering
2. hard mode and then hard mode without suppression

The choice is easy but am I on the way out and falling back into mo and suffering?

 

During my time on NoFap I have got on well with all members of my family and extended family, my fitness has improve - lost weight and built muscle and i have had a regular practice of meditation.

I don't know how to communicate to them that I don't want a sexual relationship but yet i dont want to be friends?

 

On a deep level I don't want a typical relationship. I want to be able to support all the people around me without having an object of my desire and aggression. Desire helps me uncover my inner goodness and helps me understand but working with craving is not the only way of finding this. It is easy to get too focused on desire. I feel I have worked a lot with desire now and have a handle on it. I will keep a strict eye on desire but will start to work with many other aspects of my life.

 

Day 2

 

Day 3. So today i have taken exercise which is a great help. I have slept a little extra this morning so might stay up till 11 doing some work. Got an early start tomorrow morning and a big day. Concentration is the key not getting lost in thoughts or being too free in my mind basically good discipline. I know I am good even if I relapse so now there is no pressure but just to do the best thing for me and others. Plenty of meditation practice tomorrow and I will do some more later today. The main physical thing is to not edge. I have the power not to edge. The combination of meditation practice and the power to choose is perfect. Meditation practice needs to be strong and consistent to be stronger than the mind.

 

Day 6:

I can cut through cravings with this method.

 

Day 7: I used the look away method yesterday and it was great. I enjoyed it way more than looking because it is more reliable, longer lasting and causes less anxiety. It is not that i did not notice the women that I was attracted to but ultimately i was more attracted to understanding and lasting happiness than getting lost in the suffering of my mind.

 

Tibetan Buddhist. You are the first person to ask me that after 1080 posts!

 

What type of meditation do you do?

 

It is so great that you practice that mantra. It is so powerful that according to Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche (previous teacher of H.H. Dalai Lama) it heals the six realms of existence with its six syllables. People in the West don't realise how a mantra works as a form of meditation. They don't know how it works with the conceptual mind. Each time we say a mantra we get a chance to purify anything that comes up in the mind. This is what I am saying about desire because no matter how many times desire comes up we can purify it. Desire is nothing to be feared but an opportunity to deepen the present and clear away karma and have compassion for others going through similar situations. A mantra protects the mind from negativity and opens us up to the state of non-distraction. Each syllable works in the present moment and also works with our relative condition through its six syllables. There is then no waiting to be finished and all negativity is dissolved each time the mantra is said. Mindfulness or being in the state of non-distraction is not something strict it is freedom in its purist form. The mind is free and open to the world. I think where we get caught is that we reinforce our desire and that type of mind of craving during the day and then at night we do not have the strength to purify because of the habit built up. It is therefore advisable to keep a healthy mind during the day.

 

Day 8: I have broken through the week. Now the whole thing gets more powerful. Maybe need to increase my meditation.

 

Day 8: Did do my meditation today. Thanks to you guys and NoFap I am building a streak again. I have great desire not to fap

 

Day 10: Had an urge earlier and did not engage in it fully and it went away. It is similar to strong anger in the way it wants to create a false sense of self. Anyhow Day 10 and no edging

 

This NoFap website is a perfect counter culture for what you are talking about. This is where you hear the truth about men's sexuality. Here is where people are talking openly about what works and what does not. A multinational trying to sell its products is not doing this. This is Alexander's gift to the world. The more we log in and post here the more our brains are transformed into compassion for others and making the right choices for our health. Seeing that you know meditation just have a go at this. When the urge arrives just try not to be scared of it. Bring that deep sense of shamatha where the urge is just there powerless then look at it and it should disappear if not wish that it gets worse by praying to take on the urges of the other people in NoFap so they don't have to go through them. The drop it and continue with meditation. It will be a new experience to look at the urge with no resistance. If you can do that just 4 times it would be so amazing. That is my target. 4 like that in a row.