Am I overreacting? How do I make this trigger stop?!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by DesperateHousewife7, May 6, 2019.

  1. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    Hi, everyone.

    So, I’ve been learning and able to deal with most of this, and I rarely have triggers anymore. However, there is one situation that consistently triggers me to the verge of tears every time it happens. And I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable, if I’m expecting too much of him or whatever... but I just know that I need advice on how I can make this situation stop happening.

    So, the husband (PA) and I go to the gym together pretty much every M-Th evening because they have childcare at that time. Fitness is important to both of us. There is one young woman at our gym who comes in at least once a week at the same time that we are there, and she has one of those impossible ass to waist ratios, and is always wearing basically the bare minimum and most transparent leggings possible. Today, she wore leggings that had openings down the side, all the way from top to bottom. So, it’s extremely triggering to me having her in front of my husband and as soon as she walks in, my whole demeanor changes. I become instantly agitated, hyper aware, obsessed with watching him to see where he is looking, and I want to just finish my workout and leave. I hate it so much. And of course, he always steals a glance or two. Whatever he can get away with. I don’t blame him. I don’t have a big ass, and what man doesn’t wanna see an ass like hers? But it makes me absolutely crazy and I don’t know what to do. What would you guys do? Do I just leave it alone and get over it?
  2. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

    Ponder carefully the day/hour she tends to come.... maybe it's moreso Thursdays than any other day for example...

    and see if popping in 30 minutes earlier or later than normal is possible. It'll be trickier perhaps due to childcare, but....
  3. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? After all, it's his choices that caused your betrayal trauma, and maybe he doesn't realize he's only making it worse by sneaking peeks. Sometimes they're unaware of how much they ogle (which seems crazy, I know, but it's true), or maybe he actually thinks you don't notice so he believes he's getting away with it?

    To this I say, no and no. You can't leave it alone because it's bothering you so much (rightfully so.) You also can't just get over it until you heal. Healing takes time, and it will definitely take a lot longer if he doesn't stop doing things that trigger you. It makes you have to question so many aspects of his recovery. That won't help you at all.
    Numb, kropo82 and Butterfly1988 like this.
  4. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    You are sweet, you don’t want to lose him, and be for him the only one. Which guy won’t wish to be for his girl the only one.

    @hope4healing brought it to the point.

    Talk to him with respect about your feelings. Not in an emotional angry way.
    He will block then. Better in a soft, polite, respectful way. What are your feelings, what scares you, what you wish, how you want to be felt.

    I love one girl. And she has not the perfect body or ass to waist ratio. But I say her a lot I love her, I even say I love her booty, and touching her ass. To show my affection and love.

    I don’t want to be disrespectful against you, just giving you some thoughts, maybe when he shows you more affection you won’t feel that much triggered.

    And another possibility is, when you are unsure with your body, do something for it, or learn to love the way you are, with the help of your husband.

    But, whatever you say or want from him, say it with respect, in a soft way and not in an emotional bomb.

    Good luck, hope that helps.
    hardowner and Butterfly1988 like this.
  5. I agree with the posters above.
    The root of triggers as I see it is in human needs. ( I am not expert just getting my head round in myself).
    But you are bonded to your husband, he is important to you! Your marriage is the central relationship in your life. It's important that you feel he's there for you, that you can rely on him as he relies on you.
    Porn addiction takes him away from you...your simple human needs aren't met. At worst it will take him right away from you to sleeping with someone else, pain and maybe the end of your relationship...a relationship that is very important to you.
    So your triggers are normal and understandable. ( and not really about your body shape or not feeling good enough - that's a byproduct).

    I'm working on solving stuff my end - so have no magic wand. Triggers are everywhere! Starting to leave them behind does not mean trying to avoid them. But understanding them and talking calmly and kindly with openness to your hubby about both your human need to feel safe and secure. What he does of course is not in your control, only what you're gonna do about.

    Triggers Suck! strength and best wishes.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 8, 2019
    Butterfly1988 and Jonny1992 like this.
  6. MadWoman

    MadWoman Fapstronaut

    I think this is what I would do even as uncomfortable is it may be. I would walk up to her, arm in arm with my husband, kindly introduce myself "Hello, my name is...this is my husband, and he keeps ogling you. He simply can't take his eyes off of your beautiful figure, nice waste to hip ratio and gorgeous ass. He does that. I just thought I'd let you know just as everyone else in here enjoys looking at your beautiful ass. Have a nice workout." And then I would just turn around and walk away. He knows what he is doing. She knows what she is doing. So both of them can share in the misery and discomfort that I am feeling every day coming into the gym. I think the problem will then just sort itself out.
  7. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    You really are brave.
    Bigftninja likes this.
  8. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    This strikes me as an awful idea. We already have one woman whose workout is ruined by your husband's ogling, you, after this we'd have two: you and her. She may just want to look good and feel comfortable while she works out. At my yoga class there are always women dressed in very minimal figure hugging clothing. Often I am the only man in the room. Are they dressed that way to attract my attention sexually? Of course not. They are dressed that way because it makes them feel good and doesn't get in the way of the yoga poses.

    Does he know how you are feeling? Have you told him that this is the one trigger left and that it brings you to the verge of tears? If not, then I don't blame him either. But if you have then of course he has to stop, or chose a different class, etc.

    I've not been reading your threads, but are you sure he doesn't prefer your shape?

    I'm not a big ass / tiny waist fan.

    No, talk to him, work it out together.
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
  9. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    As much as I love this level of petty and passive aggressive, it wouldn’t help anyone. It would make her feel uncomfortable, she could even report us, it would make me look like a damn fool, and it wouldn’t solve anything.
  10. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    I completely understand what you are saying. I also wear tight, figure hugging clothing and I am not shaming or blaming the woman for working out however she chooses to. It’s not her fault. That was more for description of the situation purposes.

    I talked to him about this many months ago, closer to the initial D Day. So he knows that being at the gym is a trigger for me and he knows what he needs to do. And of course, being the passive aggressive and very open person that I am- I immediately made sure he knew how I felt. Before we even left the gym when I saw him looking at her, I said “go ahead. Make sure you get a real good eyeful before we have to leave” and I just stood there motioning at him to keep looking. He of course immediately got embarrassed and acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and still won’t admit ogling her. He claims he “looks at everyone” and that’s it.
  11. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I had almost the opposite experience, but it was also painful. If you look back at my older posts I am dead against giving up ogling. I thought that our fantasies were a useful way into our own psyche, a way to know ourselves, and so I resist policing my own thoughts. I also believed that I was discrete and that no-one knew I was ogling. But eventually, through discussion here, self-reflection, and therapy, I decided to stop ogling, or at least experiment with stopping. So I told my wife I was stopping. I honestly expected her to be pleased. No. I was right about being discrete, she had no idea. She knew I did when I was young (we started dating when I was 17, I am 53 now) but she thought I had stopped decades ago. It was a very difficult conversation.

    But oddly it has been easy to stop. The first glance is automatic but there after we can choose. Your husband could stop. How far into his sobriety is he? If he's like me it might take him a while to realise that he needs to do this.
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
    hope4healing likes this.
  12. I have limited exp, I am an addict.

    My view, this in your issue or the mystery lady. Recovery is a process. I would suggest talking through that recent ahead of time so that it's not an anxiety moment and you can both use the tools you have. Strategies can be agreed upon and he can immediately employ those when you are triggered.

    You can not hide from your triggers, and you shouldnt have to. If your SO is dedicated to recovery as a whole he will be totally on board. I know how my mind works and I have fooled myself a good bit. Communication will go along way to helping but he must step in and diffuse this or it will continue for you. If he is ogling and not receptive to your concerns, then maybe the boundaries around these situations need to be adjusted a small bit.
  13. My second sentence I had a type....this is NOT your issue or the mystery lady
  14. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    That is right, for the first look and thoughts that come up, you can do nothing, but you decide what you do after the first reaction, do you continue or do you look away and try to change the subject in your mind.
    kropo82 likes this.
  15. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    @Jonny1992, exactly.

    @DesperateHousewife7, I don't know if this is of any use, especially if he claims or believes that he's not doing anything, but these are the techniques I use:
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
    hope4healing likes this.
  16. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    This is not a good idea. For all anyone knows, this woman is oblivious to the ogling and is just there to work out. Why would you bring her into it at all? The problem is with the husband, not the woman in the workout clothes, and humiliating him is not going to foster a change that will last. It will breed contempt and resentment.
  17. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Is it possible to adjust your routine to avoid it? Go to the gym at a different time, or find a different one with childcare? Ultimately I know you can't spend your whole life avoiding triggers and it's best to deal with them, but it seems that if this is going to continue it's not healthy for you to be in that state of mind so often.
    Butterfly1988 likes this.

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