hemlock144
Fapstronaut
There's nothing wrong with being trans. I am trans. If that feels more like you then you should explore that. Take your safety into mind of course but that is only something you can control so much in general and especially as someone with a pretty much universally marginalized identity.
I fought my transness for a long time. It may have helped me get by, but definitely also had long-term repurcussions, some of which I'm still suffering. It's obviously hard or impossible to know exactly where things come from, but for me I see a real connection between trying to assimilate to a patriarchal (straight, cisgendered which is a bullshit oppressive framework for human identity and socialization) world and my addiction to the kind of misogynistic porn that is the vast majority of the big porn sites. This seems somewhat different from your situation, as the type of porn I've mostly become addicted to is more mentally placing me in the position of the sexually aggressive daddy character, although recently I've started to realize that I also am being turned on picturing myself as the submissive woman in these scenarios. This is a patriarchal script which is self-limiting and culturally reinforced, the sissy videos and honestly most porn fall into that category too. The fucked up thing is understanding all this hasn't made me been able to stop watching, I think because at this point it's such a familiar dopamine spike that it is hard to resist when the urge strikes, like when I drank a lot I would walk or even drive to the store knowing it was in my worst interest and not being able to stop anyway. I can directly trace how watching and absorbing the messaging of this type of porn while trying to conform to cishet social norms had a hand in ending all my romantic partnerships with people who I really did and do still care about, as well as a number of friendships that were also very important to me. Even though I haven't been able to completely stop, I do feel less shame now in general I think because in a weird way as this porn goes more directly against my own explicit values I know it is something about the dopamine spike. Like, there's something deeper but I'm honestly unsure how deeply that demon needs to be explored in order to heal. Time will tell I guess. Anyway, if I could save myself from drinking all the years of self-hatred to live openly as a trans person despite the marginalization I would do it in a fucking heartbeat. I feel like crying thinking about how my life could be different.
Then again, we are different people with different lives and paths. I just thought I would share my perspective, hopefully it's helpful in some way. Much love and best of luck on your journey.
I fought my transness for a long time. It may have helped me get by, but definitely also had long-term repurcussions, some of which I'm still suffering. It's obviously hard or impossible to know exactly where things come from, but for me I see a real connection between trying to assimilate to a patriarchal (straight, cisgendered which is a bullshit oppressive framework for human identity and socialization) world and my addiction to the kind of misogynistic porn that is the vast majority of the big porn sites. This seems somewhat different from your situation, as the type of porn I've mostly become addicted to is more mentally placing me in the position of the sexually aggressive daddy character, although recently I've started to realize that I also am being turned on picturing myself as the submissive woman in these scenarios. This is a patriarchal script which is self-limiting and culturally reinforced, the sissy videos and honestly most porn fall into that category too. The fucked up thing is understanding all this hasn't made me been able to stop watching, I think because at this point it's such a familiar dopamine spike that it is hard to resist when the urge strikes, like when I drank a lot I would walk or even drive to the store knowing it was in my worst interest and not being able to stop anyway. I can directly trace how watching and absorbing the messaging of this type of porn while trying to conform to cishet social norms had a hand in ending all my romantic partnerships with people who I really did and do still care about, as well as a number of friendships that were also very important to me. Even though I haven't been able to completely stop, I do feel less shame now in general I think because in a weird way as this porn goes more directly against my own explicit values I know it is something about the dopamine spike. Like, there's something deeper but I'm honestly unsure how deeply that demon needs to be explored in order to heal. Time will tell I guess. Anyway, if I could save myself from drinking all the years of self-hatred to live openly as a trans person despite the marginalization I would do it in a fucking heartbeat. I feel like crying thinking about how my life could be different.
Then again, we are different people with different lives and paths. I just thought I would share my perspective, hopefully it's helpful in some way. Much love and best of luck on your journey.
