An isolated life.

[LastVestigeOfOldJoy]

It has become abundantly clear that this persistent loneliness is going to be a factor in my life for a good while at least. I said the same thing about five years ago, fully expecting to be a completely different person at this point. I thought for sure I would be able to talk to people by now. I thought I might've even found someone to love by now. For a brief period, I even managed it. However it was the biggest mistake I've ever made, I was NOT prepared for the complexities of a romantic relationship, nor did I have the fortitude not to let typical human bullshit effect me so much.

I have managed some accomplishments. I've been without porn for years, and without masturbation for nearly as long. I've done quite a bit of work on myself, maintaining a gym routine for the majority of the last five years. I've produced an album, albeit one I am not super proud of. I've read an uncountable number of books. So many books. I may not have been blessed with natural intelligence, but I have been determined to correct that through sheer volume of information entering my head. There are some things that cannot be learned in a book, though. The most important things in life are all more learned through experience than anything.

I never had anybody to teach me this stuff. It is easy to indulge in self pity and blame the poor circumstances I was born into, but that doesn't solve the problem itself. It begs the question, though, what does? I sometimes feel like I am running out of options, but I still have time to find something. It will become more of a struggle to figure this stuff out with age, though. While I am no longer a virgin, I feel the example is still apt. It's easier to lose your virginity as a 20-something virgin than a thirty-something person. There is a point where people stop assuming that you're just a late bloomer, and assume you have some kind of defect.

This goes for many other things as well, though. Human interaction, forming and maintaining any kinds of relationships. Even basic greetings are not a skill I am practiced in. In many ways, I AM defective - but I feel as though I must have SOME worth. There are things I can contribute, I try at least.

As I grow older, I find it harder to be motivated to do anything. I lost my curiosity for things. Every book, no matter how interesting the subject matter, is simply a chore for me to read. I have become too self conscious to work on music or other forms of art. I tend to cringe at everything I make. Music isn't as beautiful as it used to be anyway, not even my favorites. It's just noise to occupy a part of my brain. Video games hold my attention for maybe fifteen minutes. Some days I find myself just sitting and staring out of the window. I can only exercise and work so many hours a day. My body has a physical limit.

I have to be careful not to indulge this line of thinking too much, or my mind will go to very unpleasant places. I can vary between wildly depressed and wildly angry at my situation and myself. I cannot escape the feeling that it is too late for me. I am naturally paranoid and distrustful of others. I cannot stand eye contact, it is intensely uncomfortable yet something the majority of people demand of me to be worth their time. It feels like a violation, something intimate like a hug, and for that matter don't touch me either. Or at least that's often what I find myself thinking.

Maybe there's hope for me yet, I don't know, I wish I didn't care. Feeling dejected.
That's why I'm here I suppose, nowhere else to vent. I don't use social media, I dislike all the invasions of privacy associated with most normie platforms. Funnily enough porn is almost never on my mind, I lost my sex drive shortly after becoming single again. It's for the best, I don't need it.

I feel as though I am becoming less of a person every year. Literal brainrot.

I always go back to the stoics, but I find these principles very difficult to truly internalize.

 

[I shall be free]

If they dont mute me for this again, I can tell you that all you need is to experience the love of God. It will answer all your questions and will give you the road to travel on. And youl know that everything what has happened in your life was for a reason. Every mistake was needed. You'll be complete.

But moderators dont like me talking too much about the topic of God. They accused me of proselatizing and muted me for 5 days. This happened two times. So I will not continue with this topic for now

 

[Balthazar1985]

Ficou abundantemente claro que essa solidão persistente será um fator na minha vida por um bom tempo, pelo menos. Eu disse a coisa há cerca de cinco anos, esperando ser uma pessoa completamente diferente neste momento. Eu tinha certeza de que seria capaz de falar com as pessoas agora. Eu pensei que poderia até ter encontrado alguém para amar agora. Por um breve período, eu até consegui. No entanto, foi o maior erro que já cometi, eu NÃO estava preparado para as complexidades de um relacionamento romântico, nem tive a coragem de não deixar que a besteira humana típica me afetasse tanto.

Eu consegui algumas realizações. Estou sem pornografia há anos, e sem masturbação há quase o mesmo tempo. Eu trabalhei bastante em mim mesmo, mantendo uma rotina de ginástica na maior parte dos últimos cinco anos. Eu produzi um álbum, embora não tenha muito orgulho dele. Eu li um número incontável de livros. Tantos livros. Eu não posso ter sido abençoado com inteligência natural, mas estou determinado a corrigir isso através do grande volume de informações que entram na minha cabeça. Há algumas coisas que não podem ser aprendidas num livro, no entanto. As coisas mais importantes da vida são todas aprendidas mais através da experiência do que qualquer outra coisa.

Nunca tive ninguém para me ensinar essas coisas. É fácil se entregar à autopiedade e culpar as situações ruins em que nasci, mas isso não resolve o problema em si. Mas isso levanta uma questão: o que resolver? Às vezes, sinto que estou ficando sem opções, mas ainda tenho tempo para encontrar algo. No entanto, vai se tornar mais difícil descobrir essas coisas com a idade. Embora eu não seja mais virgem, sinto que o exemplo ainda é adequado. É mais fácil perder a virgindade como uma virgem de 20 e poucos anos do que como uma pessoa de trinta e poucos anos. Há um ponto em que as pessoas param de presumir que você é apenas um retardatário e presumir que você tem algum tipo de defeito.

Isso vale para muitas outras coisas também. Interação humana, formação e manutenção de qualquer tipo de relacionamento. Até os mesmos cumprimentos básicos não são uma habilidade em que tenho prática. De muitas maneiras, EU SOU defeituoso - mas sinto que devo ter ALGUM valor. Há coisas com as quais posso contribuir, pelo menos tento.

Conforme vou ficando mais velho, acho mais difícil me motivar a fazer qualquer coisa. Perdi minha curiosidade pelas coisas. Cada livro, não importa o quão interessante seja o assunto, é simplesmente uma tarefa para mim ler. Fiquei muito autoconsciente para trabalhar com música ou outras formas de arte. Tenho tendência a me encolher com tudo o que faço. A música não é tão bonita quanto costumava ser, nem mesmo minhas favoritas. É apenas barulho para ocupar uma parte do meu cérebro. Os videogames prendem minha atenção por talvez quinze minutos. Alguns dias me pego apenas sentado e olhando pela janela. Só consigo treinar e trabalhar algumas horas por dia. Meu corpo tem um limite físico.

Tenho que ter cuidado para não me entregar muito a essa linha de pensamento, ou minha mente irá para lugares muito lucrativos. Posso variar entre extremamente deprimido e extremamente bravo com minha situação e comigo mesmo. Não consigo escapar da sensação de que é tarde demais para mim. Sou naturalmente paranóico e desconfiado dos outros. Não suporta contato visual, é extremamente desconfortável, mas é algo que a maioria das pessoas exige de mim para valer seu tempo. Parece uma violação, algo íntimo como um abraço, e, por falar nisso, não me toque também. Ou pelo menos é isso que geralmente me pego pensando.

Talvez ainda haja esperança para mim, não sei, não queria me importar. Estou me sentindo desanimado.
É por isso que estou aqui, suponho, em nenhum outro lugar para desabafar. Não uso mídias sociais, não gosto de todas as invasões de privacidade associadas à maioria das plataformas normativas. Engraçado o suficiente, pornografia quase nunca está na minha mente, perdi meu desejo sexual logo depois de ficar solteiro novamente. É para o melhor, não preciso disso.

Sinto como se estivesse me tornando menos pessoa a cada ano. Literalmente cérebro pode.

Eu sempre volto aos estoicos, mas acho esses princípios muito difíceis de realmente internalizar.

Ficou abundantemente claro que essa solidão persistente será um fator na minha vida por um bom tempo, pelo menos. Eu disse a mesma coisa há cerca de cinco anos, esperando ser uma pessoa completamente diferente neste momento. Eu tinha certeza de que seria capaz de falar com as pessoas agora. Eu pensei que poderia até ter encontrado alguém para amar agora. Por um breve período, eu até consegui. No entanto, foi o maior erro que já cometi, eu NÃO estava preparado para as complexidades de um relacionamento romântico, nem tive a coragem de não deixar que a besteira humana típica me afetasse tanto.

Eu consegui algumas realizações. Estou sem pornografia há anos, e sem masturbação há quase o mesmo tempo. Eu trabalhei bastante em mim mesmo, mantendo uma rotina de ginástica na maior parte dos últimos cinco anos. Eu produzi um álbum, embora não tenha muito orgulho dele. Eu li um número incontável de livros. Tantos livros. Eu posso não ter sido abençoado com inteligência natural, mas estou determinado a corrigir isso através do grande volume de informações que entram na minha cabeça. Há algumas coisas que não podem ser aprendidas em um livro, no entanto. As coisas mais importantes da vida são todas aprendidas mais através da experiência do que qualquer outra coisa.

Nunca tive ninguém para me ensinar essas coisas. É fácil se entregar à autopiedade e culpar as circunstâncias ruins em que nasci, mas isso não resolve o problema em si. Mas isso levanta a questão: o que resolve? Às vezes, sinto que estou ficando sem opções, mas ainda tenho tempo para encontrar algo. No entanto, vai se tornar mais difícil descobrir essas coisas com a idade. Embora eu não seja mais virgem, sinto que o exemplo ainda é adequado. É mais fácil perder a virgindade como uma virgem de 20 e poucos anos do que como uma pessoa de trinta e poucos anos. Há um ponto em que as pessoas param de presumir que você é apenas um retardatário e presumem que você tem algum tipo de defeito.

Isso vale para muitas outras coisas também. Interação humana, formação e manutenção de qualquer tipo de relacionamento. Até mesmo cumprimentos básicos não são uma habilidade em que tenho prática. De muitas maneiras, EU SOU defeituoso - mas sinto que devo ter ALGUM valor. Há coisas com as quais posso contribuir, pelo menos tento.

Conforme vou ficando mais velho, acho mais difícil me motivar a fazer qualquer coisa. Perdi minha curiosidade pelas coisas. Cada livro, não importa o quão interessante seja o assunto, é simplesmente uma tarefa para mim ler. Fiquei muito autoconsciente para trabalhar com música ou outras formas de arte. Tenho tendência a me encolher com tudo que faço. A música não é tão bonita quanto costumava ser, nem mesmo minhas favoritas. É apenas barulho para ocupar uma parte do meu cérebro. Os videogames prendem minha atenção por talvez quinze minutos. Alguns dias me pego apenas sentado e olhando pela janela. Só consigo me exercitar e trabalhar algumas horas por dia. Meu corpo tem um limite físico.

Tenho que ter cuidado para não me entregar muito a essa linha de pensamento, ou minha mente irá para lugares muito desagradáveis. Posso variar entre extremamente deprimido e extremamente bravo com minha situação e comigo mesmo. Não consigo escapar da sensação de que é tarde demais para mim. Sou naturalmente paranoico e desconfiado dos outros. Não suporto contato visual, é intensamente desconfortável, mas é algo que a maioria das pessoas exige de mim para valer seu tempo. Parece uma violação, algo íntimo como um abraço, e, por falar nisso, não me toque também. Ou pelo menos é isso que geralmente me pego pensando.

Talvez ainda haja esperança para mim, não sei, queria não me importar. Estou me sentindo desanimado.
É por isso que estou aqui, suponho, em nenhum outro lugar para desabafar. Não uso mídias sociais, não gosto de todas as invasões de privacidade associadas à maioria das plataformas normie. Engraçado o suficiente, pornografia quase nunca está na minha mente, perdi meu desejo sexual logo depois de ficar solteiro novamente. É para o melhor, não preciso disso.

Sinto como se estivesse me tornando menos pessoa a cada ano. Literalmente cérebro podre.

Eu sempre volto aos estóicos, mas acho esses princípios muito difíceis de realmente internalizar.

Cara...Muito interessante seu estado mental,com certeza é temporal! deguste esse momento, a solitude é interessante por si só. Ela nos permite enxergar coisas que as outras pessoas não enxergam.

 

[Serendipity2]

Let me start by saying that it is never too late. I know people who have been depressed for 60 years and still made it out and were able to smile like a child again. What did they do? They quit doing what they hated and started doing what were meaningful to them.

Then let me go on by saying that your are not defective in any way. You are a unique human being. No two are the same. You don't like to look people in the eye? Well, then don't. First thing is you want to feel comfortable within your own skin. That is the most important. Because people might get a little irritated when you never look them in the eye, but ultimately that won't stop them from talking to you. I knew someone, who always looked slightly above you when he was talking. I found that weird BUT he was comfortable so I didn't really mind and the conversation was great. On the other hand, when you feel deeply uncomfortable but look people in the eye, they would run. We just love to talk to people who are secure and confident even if their behavior seems a little off. So don't let any behavior or idiosyncrasies stop you from feeling comfortable and good within your own skin.

 

[Newstarts22]

I am feeling frustrated , incredibly frustrated and irritable - this as a result of constant loneliness this despite numerous attempts at finding someone, an active timer profile, going out to clubs, pubs , making friends in the lgbqt space - and yet I must continue doing this, continually frustrating , facing this challenge day in day out, even looking at straight people now to see if they[re hiding something from me. I just feel at wits end, to make matters worse or better, I don't know I am speaking to a guy who is living 7 hour time zone difference away from me - hoping that one day on day we'll meet and by some look I will like him , love him even.

I am sick and tired of straight people not seeing this challenge, so sick and tired of the way they speak about gay people, to make things worse my manager is gay - he has a boyfriend and doesn't say anything to me, doesn't help or comfort me in any way. It's fucking disappointing, fucking miserable - I must wait here and continue to do what I've been doing and continue to push boundaries just so that I can find the one. Patience patience patience and herein lies my frustration.

I am going to keep on doing this, keep on testing - keep on going all day long , even when I sleep I am going to force myself on the right track , I am going to go through the most, explore all ends , despite what others say to find the one, and Im telling you I will find the one, this is a story of grit , a story of will and determination

 

[Serendipity2]

I am feeling frustrated , incredibly frustrated and irritable - this as a result of constant loneliness this despite numerous attempts at finding someone, an active timer profile, going out to clubs, pubs , making friends in the lgbqt space - and yet I must continue doing this, continually frustrating , facing this challenge day in day out, even looking at straight people now to see if they[re hiding something from me. I just feel at wits end, to make matters worse or better, I don't know I am speaking to a guy who is living 7 hour time zone difference away from me - hoping that one day on day we'll meet and by some look I will like him , love him even.

I am sick and tired of straight people not seeing this challenge, so sick and tired of the way they speak about gay people, to make things worse my manager is gay - he has a boyfriend and doesn't say anything to me, doesn't help or comfort me in any way. It's fucking disappointing, fucking miserable - I must wait here and continue to do what I've been doing and continue to push boundaries just so that I can find the one. Patience patience patience and herein lies my frustration.

I am going to keep on doing this, keep on testing - keep on going all day long , even when I sleep I am going to force myself on the right track , I am going to go through the most, explore all ends , despite what others say to find the one, and Im telling you I will find the one, this is a story of grit , a story of will and determination

"The one" is a myth created by Disney & others. There is no person that will be perfect for you, for human beings are not perfect but full of shortcomings. Relationships are 5% falling in love and then 95% commiting to stay together. Exploring is good but don't be desperate. Who wants to be with someone, who is desperate? Just from reading your text, I would want to be a 1000 miles away from you (sorry). Stop the self pity and start becoming someone people actually want to be with.

 

[babyyoda]

hi lastvestige. I read your post a few days ago. I wanted to help you, what I have to say may or may not help but I want to try.

I do not have friends at all, but I am not a lonely person. I can be by myself and totally be fine with it. When I was in my late teens and 20s, I use to think there was something wrong with me. I didn't know how to talk to people as well. I thought I was weird, sometimes I still don't know what to say, but over the years I never let that stop myself from being happy when I was alone. I also worked on it over the years. I started with what I could do, like ordering food on the phone and picking it up. These small things eventually helped me become more comfortable with people. You can start smaller than that, just think about what you can do and build it from there.

With regards to people, @Serendipity2 had some very wise words. Don't let your behavior or idiosyncrasies define you. I always thought I was weird, but over time I shed this belief about myself. If you can't look someone in the eye, that's fine. If we had a conversation on the street, and you didn't look me in the eye, it wouldn't bother me. I've met people like that. It didn't make me shy away from them because I knew that they were uncomfortable with this. Not everybody is like me who can read people like this, but there are understanding people like me out there if you showed that you are a decent person not a hostile one which you are not. People are more supportive than you think, especially educated people like yourself and I believe that's the kind of people you want to be around to begin with.

I would recommend counting your blessings. Small wins along with what you have already accomplished are larger than you think. You've done a good job already with eliminating porn. I envy you that you are able to read that many books and able to retain a lot of information. I am a slow reader and had comprehension problems for a very long time. If something doesn't excite you, stop reading it, stop listening to it. Take a break from it. Try something else, or do more reflection, peaceful time. Staring at the window is not a bad thing. To me it just sounds like you need a break from it all. And that's fine.

 

[LastVestigeOfOldJoy]

hi lastvestige. I read your post a few days ago. I wanted to help you, what I have to say may or may not help but I want to try.

I do not have friends at all, but I am not a lonely person. I can be by myself and totally be fine with it. When I was in my late teens and 20s, I use to think there was something wrong with me. I didn't know how to talk to people as well. I thought I was weird, sometimes I still don't know what to say, but over the years I never let that stop myself from being happy when I was alone. I also worked on it over the years. I started with what I could do, like ordering food on the phone and picking it up. These small things eventually helped me become more comfortable with people. You can start smaller than that, just think about what you can do and build it from there.

With regards to people, @Serendipity2 had some very wise words. Don't let your behavior or idiosyncrasies define you. I always thought I was weird, but over time I shed this belief about myself. If you can't look someone in the eye, that's fine. If we had a conversation on the street, and you didn't look me in the eye, it wouldn't bother me. I've met people like that. It didn't make me shy away from them because I knew that they were uncomfortable with this. Not everybody is like me who can read people like this, but there are understanding people like me out there if you showed that you are a decent person not a hostile one which you are not. People are more supportive than you think, especially educated people like yourself and I believe that's the kind of people you want to be around to begin with.

I would recommend counting your blessings. Small wins along with what you have already accomplished are larger than you think. You've done a good job already with eliminating porn. I envy you that you are able to read that many books and able to retain a lot of information. I am a slow reader and had comprehension problems for a very long time. If something doesn't excite you, stop reading it, stop listening to it. Take a break from it. Try something else, or do more reflection, peaceful time. Staring at the window is not a bad thing. To me it just sounds like you need a break from it all. And that's fine.

For a while, I was sort of like that. I wanted to be social, and I worked on things to that end, but I was emotionally stable and reasonably content. I suspect that getting into a relationship I was not ready for is a big cause for my current low state. It was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream that I had begun to consider more fantasy than possible. Normally, people have a social life first and a relationship comes out of that. When things go wrong, they have other people in their life to turn to and it probably cushions the blow a bit. Especially if they are wired to view that kind of thing as a priority. Someone once told me that I am an extrovert at heart and only conditioned into introversion by bad experiences. That is probably an accurate analysis, though I would add that it less comes from bad experiences and more that I lack basic skills other people seem to have. Most bad experiences I've had stem from that.

I do try to appreciate life. Sometimes I even manage it. Most recently, I took some time off work and went camping for a few days. I had a significant hike, and there was no cell service, not that I had anyone to call, but it kept me off of the internet. I had little to no anxiety during those few days. I decided to take some risks and probably did some things I should not have done alone in the woods, with nobody in the world knowing my whereabouts, but I managed it alright, just a few scrapes and bruises. Somehow being significantly isolated from people in the geographic sense kept them off of my mind for the most part.

It was nice. Sadly, upon returning home, everything went back to normal. The break was nice though.

 

[Z0RN92]

You’re not alone. Society is not designed to meet our basic social needs at all. Throughout the vast majority of human history, we were hunter gatherers living in tribes of around 150 people. Everyone knew each other very well, and worked together towards a common goal.

Nowaday people are living in concrete jungles, packed into sardine cans and most people don’t even know their neighbours name.

There are ways to mitigate feelings of loneliness. You could get a dog, join a club, be friendly with your coworkers. It’s tough, and I don’t have all the answers.. But keep working on your self and never give up. I believe we are all on this earth for a reason.

 

[lostINtranslation8]

It has become abundantly clear that this persistent loneliness is going to be a factor in my life for a good while at least. I said the same thing about five years ago, fully expecting to be a completely different person at this point. I thought for sure I would be able to talk to people by now. I thought I might've even found someone to love by now. For a brief period, I even managed it. However it was the biggest mistake I've ever made, I was NOT prepared for the complexities of a romantic relationship, nor did I have the fortitude not to let typical human bullshit effect me so much.

I have managed some accomplishments. I've been without porn for years, and without masturbation for nearly as long. I've done quite a bit of work on myself, maintaining a gym routine for the majority of the last five years. I've produced an album, albeit one I am not super proud of. I've read an uncountable number of books. So many books. I may not have been blessed with natural intelligence, but I have been determined to correct that through sheer volume of information entering my head. There are some things that cannot be learned in a book, though. The most important things in life are all more learned through experience than anything.

I never had anybody to teach me this stuff. It is easy to indulge in self pity and blame the poor circumstances I was born into, but that doesn't solve the problem itself. It begs the question, though, what does? I sometimes feel like I am running out of options, but I still have time to find something. It will become more of a struggle to figure this stuff out with age, though. While I am no longer a virgin, I feel the example is still apt. It's easier to lose your virginity as a 20-something virgin than a thirty-something person. There is a point where people stop assuming that you're just a late bloomer, and assume you have some kind of defect.

This goes for many other things as well, though. Human interaction, forming and maintaining any kinds of relationships. Even basic greetings are not a skill I am practiced in. In many ways, I AM defective - but I feel as though I must have SOME worth. There are things I can contribute, I try at least.

As I grow older, I find it harder to be motivated to do anything. I lost my curiosity for things. Every book, no matter how interesting the subject matter, is simply a chore for me to read. I have become too self conscious to work on music or other forms of art. I tend to cringe at everything I make. Music isn't as beautiful as it used to be anyway, not even my favorites. It's just noise to occupy a part of my brain. Video games hold my attention for maybe fifteen minutes. Some days I find myself just sitting and staring out of the window. I can only exercise and work so many hours a day. My body has a physical limit.

I have to be careful not to indulge this line of thinking too much, or my mind will go to very unpleasant places. I can vary between wildly depressed and wildly angry at my situation and myself. I cannot escape the feeling that it is too late for me. I am naturally paranoid and distrustful of others. I cannot stand eye contact, it is intensely uncomfortable yet something the majority of people demand of me to be worth their time. It feels like a violation, something intimate like a hug, and for that matter don't touch me either. Or at least that's often what I find myself thinking.

Maybe there's hope for me yet, I don't know, I wish I didn't care. Feeling dejected.
That's why I'm here I suppose, nowhere else to vent. I don't use social media, I dislike all the invasions of privacy associated with most normie platforms. Funnily enough porn is almost never on my mind, I lost my sex drive shortly after becoming single again. It's for the best, I don't need it.

I feel as though I am becoming less of a person every year. Literal brainrot.

I always go back to the stoics, but I find these principles very difficult to truly internalize.

That's life we live we learn everything is a unique experience to us there is no rule book , I think some of us are looking for that one perfect person and see anything else as wasted energy when infact most people socialise on many different fronts

 

[lostINtranslation8]

It has become abundantly clear that this persistent loneliness is going to be a factor in my life for a good while at least. I said the same thing about five years ago, fully expecting to be a completely different person at this point. I thought for sure I would be able to talk to people by now. I thought I might've even found someone to love by now. For a brief period, I even managed it. However it was the biggest mistake I've ever made, I was NOT prepared for the complexities of a romantic relationship, nor did I have the fortitude not to let typical human bullshit effect me so much.

I have managed some accomplishments. I've been without porn for years, and without masturbation for nearly as long. I've done quite a bit of work on myself, maintaining a gym routine for the majority of the last five years. I've produced an album, albeit one I am not super proud of. I've read an uncountable number of books. So many books. I may not have been blessed with natural intelligence, but I have been determined to correct that through sheer volume of information entering my head. There are some things that cannot be learned in a book, though. The most important things in life are all more learned through experience than anything.

I never had anybody to teach me this stuff. It is easy to indulge in self pity and blame the poor circumstances I was born into, but that doesn't solve the problem itself. It begs the question, though, what does? I sometimes feel like I am running out of options, but I still have time to find something. It will become more of a struggle to figure this stuff out with age, though. While I am no longer a virgin, I feel the example is still apt. It's easier to lose your virginity as a 20-something virgin than a thirty-something person. There is a point where people stop assuming that you're just a late bloomer, and assume you have some kind of defect.

This goes for many other things as well, though. Human interaction, forming and maintaining any kinds of relationships. Even basic greetings are not a skill I am practiced in. In many ways, I AM defective - but I feel as though I must have SOME worth. There are things I can contribute, I try at least.

As I grow older, I find it harder to be motivated to do anything. I lost my curiosity for things. Every book, no matter how interesting the subject matter, is simply a chore for me to read. I have become too self conscious to work on music or other forms of art. I tend to cringe at everything I make. Music isn't as beautiful as it used to be anyway, not even my favorites. It's just noise to occupy a part of my brain. Video games hold my attention for maybe fifteen minutes. Some days I find myself just sitting and staring out of the window. I can only exercise and work so many hours a day. My body has a physical limit.

I have to be careful not to indulge this line of thinking too much, or my mind will go to very unpleasant places. I can vary between wildly depressed and wildly angry at my situation and myself. I cannot escape the feeling that it is too late for me. I am naturally paranoid and distrustful of others. I cannot stand eye contact, it is intensely uncomfortable yet something the majority of people demand of me to be worth their time. It feels like a violation, something intimate like a hug, and for that matter don't touch me either. Or at least that's often what I find myself thinking.

Maybe there's hope for me yet, I don't know, I wish I didn't care. Feeling dejected.
That's why I'm here I suppose, nowhere else to vent. I don't use social media, I dislike all the invasions of privacy associated with most normie platforms. Funnily enough porn is almost never on my mind, I lost my sex drive shortly after becoming single again. It's for the best, I don't need it.

I feel as though I am becoming less of a person every year. Literal brainrot.

I always go back to the stoics, but I find these principles very difficult to truly internalize.

All you need is that one person that spark at the same time its a very important skill to be comfortable with ones own skin

 

[2DecadesOfHell]

I'm in a similar position.

Work, sleep, repeat.

I think is why people need a party, religion, gang, group to be a part of. Anything other than that is procrastination, and that's all I've done for 15 years, avoid all contact.

I'm just going to find things to join. Eco things, volunteer things.

 

[Dagoth-ur]

It has become abundantly clear that this persistent loneliness is going to be a factor in my life for a good while at least. I said the same thing about five years ago, fully expecting to be a completely different person at this point. I thought for sure I would be able to talk to people by now. I thought I might've even found someone to love by now. For a brief period, I even managed it. However it was the biggest mistake I've ever made, I was NOT prepared for the complexities of a romantic relationship, nor did I have the fortitude not to let typical human bullshit effect me so much.

I have managed some accomplishments. I've been without porn for years, and without masturbation for nearly as long. I've done quite a bit of work on myself, maintaining a gym routine for the majority of the last five years. I've produced an album, albeit one I am not super proud of. I've read an uncountable number of books. So many books. I may not have been blessed with natural intelligence, but I have been determined to correct that through sheer volume of information entering my head. There are some things that cannot be learned in a book, though. The most important things in life are all more learned through experience than anything.

I never had anybody to teach me this stuff. It is easy to indulge in self pity and blame the poor circumstances I was born into, but that doesn't solve the problem itself. It begs the question, though, what does? I sometimes feel like I am running out of options, but I still have time to find something. It will become more of a struggle to figure this stuff out with age, though. While I am no longer a virgin, I feel the example is still apt. It's easier to lose your virginity as a 20-something virgin than a thirty-something person. There is a point where people stop assuming that you're just a late bloomer, and assume you have some kind of defect.

This goes for many other things as well, though. Human interaction, forming and maintaining any kinds of relationships. Even basic greetings are not a skill I am practiced in. In many ways, I AM defective - but I feel as though I must have SOME worth. There are things I can contribute, I try at least.

As I grow older, I find it harder to be motivated to do anything. I lost my curiosity for things. Every book, no matter how interesting the subject matter, is simply a chore for me to read. I have become too self conscious to work on music or other forms of art. I tend to cringe at everything I make. Music isn't as beautiful as it used to be anyway, not even my favorites. It's just noise to occupy a part of my brain. Video games hold my attention for maybe fifteen minutes. Some days I find myself just sitting and staring out of the window. I can only exercise and work so many hours a day. My body has a physical limit.

I have to be careful not to indulge this line of thinking too much, or my mind will go to very unpleasant places. I can vary between wildly depressed and wildly angry at my situation and myself. I cannot escape the feeling that it is too late for me. I am naturally paranoid and distrustful of others. I cannot stand eye contact, it is intensely uncomfortable yet something the majority of people demand of me to be worth their time. It feels like a violation, something intimate like a hug, and for that matter don't touch me either. Or at least that's often what I find myself thinking.

Maybe there's hope for me yet, I don't know, I wish I didn't care. Feeling dejected.
That's why I'm here I suppose, nowhere else to vent. I don't use social media, I dislike all the invasions of privacy associated with most normie platforms. Funnily enough porn is almost never on my mind, I lost my sex drive shortly after becoming single again. It's for the best, I don't need it.

I feel as though I am becoming less of a person every year. Literal brainrot.

I always go back to the stoics, but I find these principles very difficult to truly internalize.

You'll get a few rude and useless replies to this, I've already seen a few.

Best advice I can give is that before you can be with anyone (especially regarding relationships), you have to first be happy and ok with being alone.

When you are genuinely happy with yourself, and didn't need anyone but yourself to reach that state, it'll open the door to potential relationships as well as friendships. Otherwise these will be more difficult to attain, and can even be a negative should they become a crutch that makes one feel better. Should one revert back to being single or being by themselves, they'll feel like they're back at square 1 again. This won't quite be the case when you're completely happy and at ease without other's. There is of course the option of sleeping with a random from an adult social networking site or even an escort, whether those are good or bad I won't judge. Sex is overrated anyhow and nuking our androgen receptors just slides us down the snake or chute back to the start.

As for depression, paranoia/distrust (anxiety) do you do any cardio and weight training? If there's physical restrictions, maybe a stationary bike or no impact of swimming?

I'd say try getting til a point where you can jog/bike etc for 45-60 mins at least 3 days in a row. After that, add a sprint at the end. After a week or few combined with no PMO, that anxiety and depression should start to get really small, like it doesn't really matter. Also the colour may come back into your life, and hobbies won't be affected by ahedonia/indifference.