An older man’s success story with a lifelong addiction.

J

Jw12Ace

New Fapstronaut
My Story



I’m in my 50s and started out around age 12. I stumbled upon my dad’s stash of magazines and later his video tape collection. I was bullied as a kid and used this as a crutch. When I got older I had my own stash. Then when the internet arrived it was a smorgasbord of roads leading to a deeper addiction. When I had what I thought was a bad day or depression I just lost myself in the vicious cycle.


Now I had girlfriends and my life turned out what some say good: great job, women, and travel….but I still wasn’t me. Looking back this addiction destroyed my first marriage and I wasn’t faithful, and honestly I caused others a lot of pain by always trying to find something else. I was a loner and didn’t want to be around people unless I had to be ….then I felt like I was acting. I just wanted to hide with my addiction and see what other people were out there to lust after. Even when I with someone I couldn’t perform like I wanted unless I had those bad thoughts.


Later I was lucky to find my soulmate and get remarried, but again I would sneak away …..and realized I just became good at hiding this addiction.


One day I woke up and thought I never went more than a month (just willpower) and this addiction had been with me close to FOUR Decades…..I really don’t know who I am because I never gave myself full potential. My brain was drowned in dopamine so it was hacked and never operated the way it was intended. No wonder I was lost.


I told myself just try one day at a time, and this time try mindfulness and use tools.


Listen IF I Can….. YOU can do this!!!! 40 years of addiction gone. Superpowers?!? I call them the REAL ME.


Mindfulness was a game changer. Not only did it help me beat the hardest thing I ever faced…. it helped other aspects of my life!


I have been married to my wife for nearly 10 years and the sex and connection is amazing again. I’m working out and playing music again.

The voices and thoughts in my head are mostly positive now. I look at people as humans now and not objects. Things that I never noticed now make me stop and smile. YES I SMILE for Real Now.


It like the me I knew was in there finally was FREE!
 
Thanks for sharing your story. The path to freeing yourself from porn addiction is very difficult and tiring but experiences like yours give us all hope.
 
Jw12Ace said:
My Story



I’m in my 50s and started out around age 12. I stumbled upon my dad’s stash of magazines and later his video tape collection. I was bullied as a kid and used this as a crutch. When I got older I had my own stash. Then when the internet arrived it was a smorgasbord of roads leading to a deeper addiction. When I had what I thought was a bad day or depression I just lost myself in the vicious cycle.


Now I had girlfriends and my life turned out what some say good: great job, women, and travel….but I still wasn’t me. Looking back this addiction destroyed my first marriage and I wasn’t faithful, and honestly I caused others a lot of pain by always trying to find something else. I was a loner and didn’t want to be around people unless I had to be ….then I felt like I was acting. I just wanted to hide with my addiction and see what other people were out there to lust after. Even when I with someone I couldn’t perform like I wanted unless I had those bad thoughts.


Later I was lucky to find my soulmate and get remarried, but again I would sneak away …..and realized I just became good at hiding this addiction.


One day I woke up and thought I never went more than a month (just willpower) and this addiction had been with me close to FOUR Decades…..I really don’t know who I am because I never gave myself full potential. My brain was drowned in dopamine so it was hacked and never operated the way it was intended. No wonder I was lost.


I told myself just try one day at a time, and this time try mindfulness and use tools.


Listen IF I Can….. YOU can do this!!!! 40 years of addiction gone. Superpowers?!? I call them the REAL ME.


Mindfulness was a game changer. Not only did it help me beat the hardest thing I ever faced…. it helped other aspects of my life!


I have been married to my wife for nearly 10 years and the sex and connection is amazing again. I’m working out and playing music again.

The voices and thoughts in my head are mostly positive now. I look at people as humans now and not objects. Things that I never noticed now make me stop and smile. YES I SMILE for Real Now.


It like the me I knew was in there finally was FREE!
Click to expand...
Beautifully said
 
Jw12Ace said:
Mi historia



Tengo más de 50 años y empecé a hacerlo cuando tenía 12. Me encontré con el alijo de revistas de mi padre y, más tarde, con su colección de cintas de vídeo. De pequeño me acosaban y lo usaba como muleta. Cuando crecí, tenía mi propio alijo. Luego, cuando llegó a Internet, se convirtió en un bufé de caminos que condujeron a una adicción más profunda. Cuando tenía lo que creía que era un mal día o una depresión, simplemente me perdía en el círculo vicioso.


Ahora tenía amigas y mi vida resultó ser lo que algunos dicen que fue bueno: un gran trabajo, mujeres y viajes... pero aún no era yo. Mirando hacia atrás, esta adicción destruyó mi primer matrimonio y no fui fiel, y honestamente causé mucho dolor a otros al tratar siempre de encontrar algo más. Era un solitario y no quería estar cerca de las personas a menos que fuera necesario... entonces sentí que estaba actuando. Solo quería esconderme con mi adicción y ver qué había otras personas ahí afuera para desear. Incluso cuando estaba con alguien, no podía actuar como quería a menos que tuviera esos malos pensamientos.


Más tarde tuve la suerte de encontrar a mi alma gemela y volver a casarme, pero volvía a escabullirme… y me di cuenta de que había aprendido a ocultar bien esta adicción.


Un día me desperté y pensé que nunca había pasado más de un mes (sólo por fuerza de voluntad) y que esta adicción había estado conmigo cerca de CUATRO décadas... En realidad no sé quién soy porque nunca me di todo mi potencial. Mi cerebro estaba inundado de dopamina, por lo que fue hackeado y nunca funcionó como estaba previsto. No me extraña que estuviera perdido.


Me dije a mí mismo que simplemente intentaría un día a la vez, y que esta vez intentaría ser consciente y usar herramientas.


Escucha, SI YO PUEDO... ¡TÚ PUEDES! Se acabaron 40 años de adicción. ¿¡Superpoderes!? Yo los llamo el YO REAL.


La plena atención cambió mi vida. No solo me ayudó a superar lo más difícil que jamás haya enfrentado, sino que también me ayudó en otros aspectos de mi vida.


Llevo casado con mi esposa casi 10 años y el sexo y la conexión son increíbles nuevamente. Estoy haciendo ejercicio y tocando música nuevamente.

Ahora, las voces y los pensamientos que tengo en la cabeza son en su mayoría positivos. Veo a las personas como seres humanos y no como objetos. Cosas que nunca había notado ahora me hacen detenerme y sonreír. SÍ, SONRIO de verdad.


¡Fue como si el yo que conoció que estaba allí finalmente fuera LIBRE!
Click to expand...
Micco said:
Gracias por compartir tu historia. El camino para liberarse de la adicción a la pornografía es muy difícil y agotador, pero experiencias como la tuya nos dan esperanza a todos.
Click to expand...
Jw12Ace said:
Mi historia



Tengo más de 50 años y empecé a hacerlo cuando tenía 12. Me encontré con el alijo de revistas de mi padre y, más tarde, con su colección de cintas de vídeo. De pequeño me acosaban y lo usaba como muleta. Cuando crecí, tenía mi propio alijo. Luego, cuando llegó a Internet, se convirtió en un bufé de caminos que condujeron a una adicción más profunda. Cuando tenía lo que creía que era un mal día o una depresión, simplemente me perdía en el círculo vicioso.


Ahora tenía amigas y mi vida resultó ser lo que algunos dicen que fue bueno: un gran trabajo, mujeres y viajes... pero aún no era yo. Mirando hacia atrás, esta adicción destruyó mi primer matrimonio y no fui fiel, y honestamente causé mucho dolor a otros al tratar siempre de encontrar algo más. Era un solitario y no quería estar cerca de las personas a menos que fuera necesario... entonces sentí que estaba actuando. Solo quería esconderme con mi adicción y ver qué había otras personas ahí afuera para desear. Incluso cuando estaba con alguien, no podía actuar como quería a menos que tuviera esos malos pensamientos.


Más tarde tuve la suerte de encontrar a mi alma gemela y volver a casarme, pero volvía a escabullirme… y me di cuenta de que había aprendido a ocultar bien esta adicción.


Un día me desperté y pensé que nunca había pasado más de un mes (sólo por fuerza de voluntad) y que esta adicción había estado conmigo cerca de CUATRO décadas... En realidad no sé quién soy porque nunca me di todo mi potencial. Mi cerebro estaba inundado de dopamina, por lo que fue hackeado y nunca funcionó como estaba previsto. No me extraña que estuviera perdido.


Me dije a mí mismo que simplemente intentaría un día a la vez, y que esta vez intentaría ser consciente y usar herramientas.


Escucha, SI YO PUEDO... ¡TÚ PUEDES! Se acabaron 40 años de adicción. ¿¡Superpoderes!? Yo los llamo el YO REAL.


La plena atención cambió mi vida. No solo me ayudó a superar lo más difícil que jamás haya enfrentado, sino que también me ayudó en otros aspectos de mi vida.


Llevo casado con mi esposa casi 10 años y el sexo y la conexión son increíbles nuevamente. Estoy haciendo ejercicio y tocando música nuevamente.

Ahora, las voces y los pensamientos que tengo en la cabeza son en su mayoría positivos. Veo a las personas como seres humanos y no como objetos. Cosas que nunca había notado ahora me hacen detenerme y sonreír. SÍ, SONRIO de verdad.


¡Fue como si el yo que conoció que estaba allí finalmente fuera LIBRE!
Click to expand...


Realmente lo felicito y me alegra por usted. Su caso me inspira y motiva a seguir luchando con esta adicción.
Al igual que usted, tengo más de 50 años y por lo menos 4 décadas con esta actividad de PMO. Espero emular su éxito y beneficios obtenidos.
 
Jw12Ace said:
I told myself just try one day at a time, and this time try mindfulness and use tools.
Click to expand...

First off, thank you for sharing your story. It's all too familiar. Like you, I've experienced some recovery success over the past year despite trying to get sober for many years.

One day at a time has been a game changer for me. Taking action and leveraging the recovery tools that work for me, each and every day, has enabled me to be my authentic self. I'm present with my wife and kids on a level I haven't ever been.

Thanks again for sharing, and keep up the great work one day at a time!
 
Wow what a great story. I think we all related to this. "Sneaking away" is definitely how I felt. It was great to just be alone with the addiction. It felt real.
 
" I was bullied as a kid and used this as a crutch. When I got older I had my own stash. Then when the internet arrived it was a smorgasbord of roads leading to a deeper addiction. When I had what I thought was a bad day or depression I just lost myself in the vicious cycle."
THIS! So many of us, follow the PMO road because as kids it was the only way to go on.
 
Jw12Ace said:
My Story



I’m in my 50s and started out around age 12. I stumbled upon my dad’s stash of magazines and later his video tape collection. I was bullied as a kid and used this as a crutch. When I got older I had my own stash. Then when the internet arrived it was a smorgasbord of roads leading to a deeper addiction. When I had what I thought was a bad day or depression I just lost myself in the vicious cycle.


Now I had girlfriends and my life turned out what some say good: great job, women, and travel….but I still wasn’t me. Looking back this addiction destroyed my first marriage and I wasn’t faithful, and honestly I caused others a lot of pain by always trying to find something else. I was a loner and didn’t want to be around people unless I had to be ….then I felt like I was acting. I just wanted to hide with my addiction and see what other people were out there to lust after. Even when I with someone I couldn’t perform like I wanted unless I had those bad thoughts.


Later I was lucky to find my soulmate and get remarried, but again I would sneak away …..and realized I just became good at hiding this addiction.


One day I woke up and thought I never went more than a month (just willpower) and this addiction had been with me close to FOUR Decades…..I really don’t know who I am because I never gave myself full potential. My brain was drowned in dopamine so it was hacked and never operated the way it was intended. No wonder I was lost.


I told myself just try one day at a time, and this time try mindfulness and use tools.


Listen IF I Can….. YOU can do this!!!! 40 years of addiction gone. Superpowers?!? I call them the REAL ME.


Mindfulness was a game changer. Not only did it help me beat the hardest thing I ever faced…. it helped other aspects of my life!


I have been married to my wife for nearly 10 years and the sex and connection is amazing again. I’m working out and playing music again.

The voices and thoughts in my head are mostly positive now. I look at people as humans now and not objects. Things that I never noticed now make me stop and smile. YES I SMILE for Real Now.


It like the me I knew was in there finally was FREE!
Click to expand...
What were you doing for mindfulness brother? I was addicted to masturbation- I’m over it moved on.. and i need to heal and resensitize my brain.
 
Jw12Ace said:
My Story



I’m in my 50s and started out around age 12. I stumbled upon my dad’s stash of magazines and later his video tape collection. I was bullied as a kid and used this as a crutch. When I got older I had my own stash. Then when the internet arrived it was a smorgasbord of roads leading to a deeper addiction. When I had what I thought was a bad day or depression I just lost myself in the vicious cycle.


Now I had girlfriends and my life turned out what some say good: great job, women, and travel….but I still wasn’t me. Looking back this addiction destroyed my first marriage and I wasn’t faithful, and honestly I caused others a lot of pain by always trying to find something else. I was a loner and didn’t want to be around people unless I had to be ….then I felt like I was acting. I just wanted to hide with my addiction and see what other people were out there to lust after. Even when I with someone I couldn’t perform like I wanted unless I had those bad thoughts.


Later I was lucky to find my soulmate and get remarried, but again I would sneak away …..and realized I just became good at hiding this addiction.


One day I woke up and thought I never went more than a month (just willpower) and this addiction had been with me close to FOUR Decades…..I really don’t know who I am because I never gave myself full potential. My brain was drowned in dopamine so it was hacked and never operated the way it was intended. No wonder I was lost.


I told myself just try one day at a time, and this time try mindfulness and use tools.


Listen IF I Can….. YOU can do this!!!! 40 years of addiction gone. Superpowers?!? I call them the REAL ME.


Mindfulness was a game changer. Not only did it help me beat the hardest thing I ever faced…. it helped other aspects of my life!


I have been married to my wife for nearly 10 years and the sex and connection is amazing again. I’m working out and playing music again.

The voices and thoughts in my head are mostly positive now. I look at people as humans now and not objects. Things that I never noticed now make me stop and smile. YES I SMILE for Real Now.


It like the me I knew was in there finally was FREE!
Click to expand...
Hii I am 34 year old and worried I can recover from it or not I also started prone maturbation at the age of 12.. so much worried that I tried to kill my self
 
tester725 said:
Hii I am 34 year old and worried I can recover from it or not I also started prone maturbation at the age of 12.. so much worried that I tried to kill my self
Click to expand...
You will be able to recover from it, just take one day at a time.I started looking at porn in my early 20’s, and to be honest, like most, used to hide away with it. It became an escape for me, hours of my life wasted watching my favourite porn stars.But all that brings is an eternal feeling of feeling like shit, inadequate, and a let down due to PIED. It is however, a lot more common than you think, and support and help is available on this forum and its members. I’m currently on day 70 without porn, and maybe stumbling across this forum has given me the strength I needed to understand the effects it has on my brain. You will get there my friend, one day at a time
 
Jw12Ace said:
My Story



I’m in my 50s and started out around age 12. I stumbled upon my dad’s stash of magazines and later his video tape collection. I was bullied as a kid and used this as a crutch. When I got older I had my own stash. Then when the internet arrived it was a smorgasbord of roads leading to a deeper addiction. When I had what I thought was a bad day or depression I just lost myself in the vicious cycle.


Now I had girlfriends and my life turned out what some say good: great job, women, and travel….but I still wasn’t me. Looking back this addiction destroyed my first marriage and I wasn’t faithful, and honestly I caused others a lot of pain by always trying to find something else. I was a loner and didn’t want to be around people unless I had to be ….then I felt like I was acting. I just wanted to hide with my addiction and see what other people were out there to lust after. Even when I with someone I couldn’t perform like I wanted unless I had those bad thoughts.


Later I was lucky to find my soulmate and get remarried, but again I would sneak away …..and realized I just became good at hiding this addiction.


One day I woke up and thought I never went more than a month (just willpower) and this addiction had been with me close to FOUR Decades…..I really don’t know who I am because I never gave myself full potential. My brain was drowned in dopamine so it was hacked and never operated the way it was intended. No wonder I was lost.


I told myself just try one day at a time, and this time try mindfulness and use tools.


Listen IF I Can….. YOU can do this!!!! 40 years of addiction gone. Superpowers?!? I call them the REAL ME.


Mindfulness was a game changer. Not only did it help me beat the hardest thing I ever faced…. it helped other aspects of my life!


I have been married to my wife for nearly 10 years and the sex and connection is amazing again. I’m working out and playing music again.

The voices and thoughts in my head are mostly positive now. I look at people as humans now and not objects. Things that I never noticed now make me stop and smile. YES I SMILE for Real Now.


It like the me I knew was in there finally was FREE!
Click to expand...
Hi @Jw12Ace I can relate to that, my story is similar. Thousandfold congrats to you! I entered my forties and so I don't want to drag this thing further than my early forties. It's high time. But your story also reminds me, that it's never too late and that it is always worth it.
Thank you for sharing!
And I'm open to all suggestions and tips.
 
This is awesome man, you are such a great inspiration for all of us trying to make a change. It is never too late to make a change in your life, and a lot of people need to hear that. Hell, I'm a lot younger than you, but you give me a lot of hope that I can keep going on this journey and change my life
 
@Jw12Ace. Please elaborate on the mindfulness technique that you are using. I guess that will be helpful for people like me struggling with PMO
 
Thank you for this. I identity with much of what you have said. Mine is the same story. This addiction affects our loved ones. I regret how it has affected my family, even if they don't know why. I've been to the point of not knowing who I am anymore. I now know I'm a good person with an addiction, but I still can't call this life successful if I am hurting my relationships. Keep going, and I will too!
 
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