An uncommon story

Hello,
I'm 22 years old and like the most people I read posts about, I started watching porn and masturbating at the age of 11/12.
When I was 13 I started smoking and shortly after smoking pot, wich led to having several social problems and bad grades in school, which I tried to compensate with porn and more weed. Girls in school did never show interest in me, maybe because I was a 140cm teenage anarchist with ugly skin talkin' about nothing else than drugs music and how fucked up this world is.had my first real gf with about 15 abd lost my virginity to her. I was dissapointed of the whole 'real sex' process because it wasn't like porn at all although I was madly in love. It got worse when I started doing amphetamines and binge PMOing whole nights when I was about 17. Finished school at 18, did an apprenticeship as a clerk and hated it. I had a bunch of girlfriends between 16 and 19 which all were boarderliners and cheated on me. But the Sex was more like porn so thought I loved them. At age 19 my habits became worse, I was smoking pot all day and PMOing 2-4 times a day, heavy drinking and amphetamines and ecstasy on the weekends ending in binge PMOing sometimes until the late morning hours. Then I met my last gf. A beautiful 24yr old sociopathic nymph that shortly after moved in with me. The Sex was like I always dreamt it to be and I stopped PMOing for a while. She was a even worse drug addict than I was and cheated on me and left me with a broken heart and a bad painkiller and downer habbit. I was shattered, quit my job and went into hard labour 55hrs/week shift to save money for a journey to south america. I kicked my opiate habit and reduced all the other drugs I did because I simply had no time for beeing intoxicated that much anymore. PMO ing was the same or even more because I tried to balance withdrawl symptoms. A year later she returned and the same thing happened again leading to her beeing pregnant of another guy snd me dropping everything and going on an 11Month trip to SA. I was having a time during my journey where I had to avoid PMO completely but after about 2Months I found ways around it. There I realized how addicted I was. (I should have sooner bc I was getting into very very extreme categories of porn). I returned from my journey earlier this year and tried to manage to get out of everything that defined my past. I moved to a city where I know no one and now I do an apprenticeship in a job I like a lot. I kicked all hard drug habits and I do not have functioning WiFi at home. I still drink and smoke a bit of weed quite regularly but reduced it to a minimum, just to keep me, let's call it sane. I still PMO and I'm so damn creative about how to get opportunities to watch porn that it scares me. I don't want a gf and I do not want to fall in love for reasons. I totally loose control if I do and atm I can't afford to. I try not to fap for a while now and I keep relapsing and it kinda makes sense for me to relapse if I can keep my distance to women through that, or better stay more rational in terms of not falling for my natural sexual desires which is an enormous weakness of mine in my opinion. I had some affairs over the last years but it didn't stop me from PMO, it made it completely worse because I told the girls that it was not even nearly like I wanted it to be. Genuinely treating them like this and making them think that they suck at sex on the flipside made all of them fall in love with me, which is funny enough. Sometimes my porn related fantasies about those girls were a lot better than the real act of mating.

Since I moved away i try to live a simple live and dedicate all my energy to making music. Fapping blocks my creativity and I want to live a more humble and effective live for no one else than myself. This might seem egoistic but now that I expirienced a lot of change lately I'm eager to achieve my goals. But for some of them I need a little help and thats why I'm here.
Thanks for listening.

 

Thank you