angry & lonely (may contain triggers)

OMGoodness... THANK YOU SO MUCH for your response. I feel SO alone right now in my life. Even worse than i felt before. But it means the world to me to know there are people that are able to understand what im going thru and the place im at. I am sorry that youve endured this, too. I really appreciate you being here for me. Thank you so much.

The compulsive lying is a constant strain on our relationship and my sanity. The thing that messes me up the most about it is it makes me question myself. He has lied to (almost) every person in his life about both big and little things for his entire life. He is so good at it. Also, he told me he doesnt feel bad about it at all. And i believe him. He shows no remorse, guilt, doesnt flash microexpressions... he has lied to my face about things i KNEW he was lying about and he looks EXACTLY the same as when he tells the truth. I cannot tell when he is lying and i can no longer trust my instincts or my gut. Not when it comes to him. And idk how many other people are like this. Now, when he talks to me to tell me a long story about how he came home late bc blah blah happened, i just think in my head that its prob bs bc he lies SO MUCH. im beyond tired of the lies but idk how to get him to tell the truth unless he is caught and im too tired to look into everything that comes out of his mouth. I have always hated liars. And id rather he not say anything at all than to feed me more bs.

The mental abuse is the worst. To be willing to truly break a person who youre supposed to love, to protect your many issues is sick. Everyone has issues. And i know its common for an addict to lash out to protect their substance. But there has been MANY personal issues of his thaf he always turns into this monster to defend. Then blames me for not being as positive and strong and fearless as i was when we met. I wonder how he would feel if the only adult he connected with on a regular basis tore him down as low as possible to debilitate them constantly. Its like unarming your enemy in a fight. But we are supposed to be on the same side... Its not my fault im in the dark place im in. He drove me here. I am a strong person. If i wasnt i dont believe i wouldve survived this relationship this long. But idk how to get back to who i used to be from where i am now.

For now, i am just isolating myself from him bc i honestly dont know if i can take for any more emotional pain to be added.

The porn addiction is miserable for me. After putting up with the disasterous effects it has caused for SO LONG, its making me question things ive never questioned before now. And he doesnt want to stop. He still prefers P to real sex so he wont give it up.

You are completely right. And i appreciate you not beating around the bush. I have enough bs and lies in my life. I prefer ppl who can be straightforward...
I got up the nerve to attempt to talk to him about this yesterday. It went badly like every time ive tried to talk to him about any of his problems. Im staying in the guest bedroom now. Idk how im gonna get thru this. I am very thankful for this site. If i didnt have support from people who understand, idk what i would do.

Yeah... im sure the newness was the only reason our sex life started out good. At this point, im sure he would prob be like that with any new real relationship he ever has. He told me thats how it was with all prior relationships. I know now the reason. But he wont see it. He'd rather be a nonexistant partner, more like a roommate than an intimate partner and a truly awful lover when he does copulate.
When i approached him about this yesterday he actually told me that he beleives porn has taught him to be a better lover! THAT is how convoluted he is... i was like, are you f-ing kidding me.... smh

I think my natural defense mechanisms are coming up. Ive tried to keep them down as long as possible bc i know i cant fully connect with anyone if i have walls up and that doesnt make for a healthy relationship so i always try to take my walls down if im going to be with someone. But, all of this has been so unbelievably hard.. ive been thru SO MUCH with him. He has caused me an indescribable amount of pain during our relationship. And i feel like if i start to defend myself, it will change the way i look at him and i didnt want to stop loving him. But u can only take so much. How many times can u be rejected by he one u love bc they are choosing someone else or something else over u before your defense mechanisms start to convince u, you dont want them anyway? That hurts less than feeling that rejection inside of u again...

I started my convo with him so loving and accepting yesterday. I continued it telling him it wasnt his fault... He just continued telling me how it is my fault, and listing off all the things i need to improve so he wont turn to P. And for the record ive done all of those things. All of this bs from him made me hate myself a long time ago. And despite how ive fought it, i think now its finally made me start to hate him.

Thank you for being here for me. I cant tell you how big of a difference it makes being able to talk to omeone about all of this.

And all of the evolved men on here are the only reason im mot losing hope in men. I have an incredible amount of reapect and adoration for them seeing the light and putting in the work to get better. They are a million times better than the majority of men who just say, "its normal... ALL men do it..." i appreciate them opening this site to include both the addicts as well as the partners of the addicts. Ive been dealing with this alone for SO LONG.
I hope that by each of us sharing our stories it will help more and more people understand this isnt something harmless and normal for "everyone" to just do...