Angry orgasms, derrogatory thoughts

I just came off a 20 day streak, my longest serious attempt. The day after, I PMOed a few times. I’m noticing more and more that my porn addiction is driven by anger and rejection.

My basic pattern is I hunt the Internet for porn pictures for a couple hours, and I always thought it was a hunt to find an exciting image I hadn’t seen or stumbling on an old favourite image. It is to some degree but there’s another layer. I had or wanted sex with four or five women over the past several years, women I am friends with, women who have confided in me, and for various reasons we dated and it didn’t work or we’ve never had a chance to date.

I feel rejected by these women, some broke up with me, some never gave me a chance. While masturbating I eventually gravitate to photos of women who look like my real life unattainable women or show situations I have been in with them or have fantasised about with them. Sort of regret that we could have tried that position etc if we had date me longer, for instance.

Once i’ve Found the image that’s the one I will orgasm to, my mind gets really derrogatory towards them. And i’m angry at them, punishing them to my will because they are whores for liking sex and for not wanting sex or a relationship with me. I relive the rejection and try to hurt them with sex. Sex they should be giving me in real life.

Obviously there’s some deep underlying emotions and thoughts, and these emotions are amplified in the moments just before orgasm. I don’t think I feel this angry to them normally? But that’s worth investigating.

This could be a big breakthrough for me in healing my addiction.

Does anyone else experience similar patterns? Any suggestions for dealing with this? If you have angry orgasms, how have you begun separating masturbatiin and sex from rejection and anger?

 

Thanks for replying, Jack. I can relate somewhat to the arrogance and dominance and feel I am triggered more by feelings than by sex. I began therapy a couple weeks ago and I feel more of this will emerge between therapy and my journaling at nofap. I'm really looking forward to working on the core issues so I can be rid of them to some degree. I am back on the nofap train.

Saturday I PMOed some more, almost experimenting while I had no streak to jeopardize. I know that's some rationalizing there, but I did try some new approaches. I tried some meditation to relax my grasp on these women, to let them go. The next time I looked at porn, I felt sadness instead of anger. And while in that weird zone after relapse, I tried to look at porn maybe the way a healthy person does? To see if I could... to limit my endless pursuit of the "best" images, I chose a site and only opened ten galleries. And masturbating, I focused on the physical beauty of the women. I orgasmed to that image of that woman. Thoughts of exes didn't enter my thoughts. I wasn't using my exes, objectifying them. I was just objectifying the woman in those images. Given my obsession and anger with my exes and that group of women I hold onto, I had to give it a shot. I won't continue this "research" as that won't be healthy, but I feel I did learn a bit more about what I'm facing.

I can see I don't know how to release emotions or even be in the present. I'm obsessed with sex and with the past and what could have been. This week in therapy I'm setting up action plans to react to common triggers. When I wake up at night, mind churning, with no outlet except porn, I'll try to automatically write 3 minutes into a notebook, for instance. I hope it works.

 

Yeah, definitely one of the challenges... what are true feelings and what are the ones the addiction is using to pull me along.

Some people I consider quite healthy look at porn once in a while or use it with their wife to get the mood going. Not suggesting I can and still be healthy though. I definitely need to distance myself from it and re-wire my thought processes and emotional management.

Thanks for the advice Jack. These are great ideas.