Anhedonia in relationship / unwanted fascination/ feeling guilty

if anyone was in a similar situation or knows the topic of anhedonia in relations, I am asking for help. I feel lost. English is not my mother language... that's why I apologize for him. Most of the time I supported myself with a Google translator

I wonder if being in a relationship, you can feel an interest in another person. I noticed that I pay attention to one person in the class and as if I wanted to look in her direction. I did not look at her in terms of sexuality, she was pretty, I liked her clothes, her face, but I did not fantasize about her at home, and when I left the class I forgot about her. I dreamed a few times about her, I did not pay attention to it, because sleep was just a dream. When I noticed that I had dreamed several times over a period of time, I did not know what to think, and I began to wonder why I pay attention to her during class ... In these dreams I was happy to talk her to me and she pay attention on me, I wanted so that it would be. I noticed that something attracted me to this person, but I am in a relationship and why someone else is between me and my girlfriend .Im not looking for another person

I have psychogenic impotence, no one really knows why I have it. Because of this, there was often a quarrel with my girlfriend. She blamed herself for not being attractive enough and she didnt lead me to orgasm by hand. I always said that she was wrong. "You are beautiful and the arent a reason of this problem !!! I have problems with my psyche and nerves. that's the reason


The key situation was the fact that after a quarrel with a girl I felt a strange and unpleasant feeling in my chest. An argument was about telling my progress on addiction to porn and masturbation. How long have I abstained from this etc.
I realized that if masturbation and porn influenced impotence, I do not want to do it ever again . At the beginning I did not tell the girl that I suspect masturbation as the cause of impotence. Do not get me wrong. I wanted her to know everything but I did not want to hurt her.
A long time ago I thought that pmo is the cause of impotence. I told the girl and I saw her reaction. how angry she was, sad and depressed. I saw that she wanted to help me. I had the impression that this help took the form of control. I had to say everything.


The key situation was the fact that after a quarrel with a girl I felt a strange and unpleasant feeling in my chest. An argument was about telling my progress on addiction to porn and masturbation. How long have I abstained from this etc.
I realized that if masturbation and porn influenced impotence, I do not want to do it ever again . At the beginning I did not tell the girl that I suspect masturbation as the cause of impotence. Do not get me wrong. I wanted her to know everything but I did not want to hurt her, fight in a quarrel with that bad feelings, but focus on problem and never back to this addiction.
A long time ago( 1 year ago) I thought that pmo is the cause of impotence. I told the girl and I saw her reaction. how angry she was, sad and depressed. I saw that she wanted to help me. I had the impression that this help took the form of control. I had to say everything. And at this time i thought that will be the same like 1 year ago
.

When I was told a month ago that porn is affecting impotence, I did not want to tell my partner that Iand looked at someone else's erotic picture. I did not want her to hurt and back to this old wars with y girlfriend. I fought pornography secretly, and when I told my partner, she wanted to know more and more. I had the impression that just as she once wanted to control me, and that every my failure would be multiplied by a million times. I only fought with pmo then. not with girlfriend and pmo.
I knew that it hurts her very much, and maybe despite the sincere desire to help me, I knew it would not. I did not feel support when I had to talk about it only about coercion and duty. The moment I was holding the resolution and everything was fine because I was doing it was great. But when I came back to addiction, it was a nightmare, and the girl felt terrible. preferred to hear then that if I returned back to addiction I would know that it is betrayal and something unpardonable. instead heard that I got the support, and that I will be treated with forgiveness, and then there was a huge quarrel. I preferred to heard from the beginning how will be look this reaction in real. I know that my girlfriend really wanted to support me. I felt that emotions will give stronger than words before.

Returning to the feeling in the cage, I was not sure why it feels, if the partner wants to control me and I do not want to be a war, and even though I want to get out of it, I do not feel support from her. I did not know, that's why I wanted to talk to her about it so that you do not feel bad. The conversation did not make me feel better and unpleasant feeling was in my chest. Something told me from the beginning that that girl I was paying attention to might be reason in that cage. I was angry because somebody is between me and my girlfriend. I was tormented by thoughts and anxiety. Writing with the girlfriend I felt that this unpleasant feeling is getting stronger. Although I was talking about normal things, the conversation made it difficult for me, I was clearly different and I felt this feeling in my chest.

At the moment when I saw my girlfriend after Easter, this feeling passed away I do not know why it happened. I felt relieved that he did not feel it and it was normal among us

However, a few weeks later this feeling appeared again. It happened after the quarrel. it concerned that when I came back from the therapist, the girl wanted to know what we were talking about at this meeting. (A week earlier was a very important moment when, together with a girl, we decided to start again, not argue and pay more attention to each other,). I did not really want to talk to my partner about what I was talking about at this meeting, among others, I talked about the topic of this oppression in the cage and why it happened. I had the impression that the girl wants to control me and to know what we were talking about. I did not feel as if she was sincere and just with concern just as if we promised ourselves that starting from scratch it did not change anything and talking about the therapist was my duty. During further conversation, it turned out that I was wrong and my girlfriend had sincere intentions. A few things told me that this was not the case, but I believed her words that it was

After this conversation, the pressure in the chest came back ... the first thought that came to me that something attracts me to that another woman. I felt bad, I did not want it to be true and my life would look different, I started getting some paranoia, see that person as soon as I thought about what was happening. I was crying ... I was different and just as at first time I felt the fear that it would seem, and that there will be an end .... During the meeting with the girl this feeling did not pass like the first time ... As we talked live then felt in chest was much weaker, just like when we were talking on the phone .. Bad thoughts got me, during a kiss with my girlfriend I felt that this feeling torments me and I had the impression that the face of another woman then appeared in my head as he kisses me. I fought these thoughts and at any price I wanted only my girlfriend to be with me and not think. doubt and fears about this other person. Days passed and I still felt it bad feeling in chest.

During the next meeting, the partner sensed that I was different ... she asked what happened ... if something hurts ..... I started to cry .. and I said that I'm afraid that something is pulling me on another woman. I'm afraid that the unpleasant feeling in the cage is related to another woman., I never thought about that woman in terms of sex, nor did I get fell in love. I said that face this women appeared during the kiss with girlfirend

when I thought about the time together with my girlfriend and that the end I started to cry and I could not come to terms with it .....

I want to be honest with my girlfriend because she deserves the truth and for most questions like "why did you choose her", I do not know the answer.