Another Discovery

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by gymismylife, Mar 19, 2019.

  1. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    The discoveries just keep coming.

    Today I found an email that he sent to a massage parlour and escort agency last April while he was out of town for a hockey tournament.

    We had gotten in to a really big fight when he first arrived there because I found condoms in his drawer and called him and freaked out. He claimed they were old and from when he was single. Fast forward to today. His reason for messaging the rub and tug was because he was mad at me for accusing him of cheating when I found the condoms, so he figured he may as well go ahead and do it. He claims he didn't follow through I don't buy that for a minute.

    Upon being busted, his first reaction was not to be sorry for what he had done, but rather to be angry at me for catching him.

    I don't know. I think I'm done. This is exhausting. There are too many good men out there for me to be wasting my time with someone who cares so little for our relationship that he's willing to risk it for 1 hour of cheap thrills.
     
    Nugget9 and Susannah like this.
  2. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    Of course it’s up to you and I haven’t read your whole story, but it’s important to keep in mind this is an addiction. Finally coming to terms with that helped both me and my wife. It took it out of the realm of moral failure or disregard for my wife, and also helped me understand why I could not quit and was sliding deeper into things that I hated. Having said all that, it’s just an excuse unless he’s willing to admit the addiction and get help with it.
     
  3. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    He quit watching porn, but fails to.see the issue beyond, it bothered me. He wont admit that he has an addiction. He wont admit that he has anger issues and he refuses to take any responsibility. He only blames me. I love him but at the same time, I can't destroy myself trying to save him. I really don't know what to do anymore. He's still an addict, and now I'm just an empty shell
     
    Susannah likes this.
  4. Healed!

    Healed! Fapstronaut

    Would he go to a counselor with you. I’ve found that the counselor can sometimes say exactly what the SO has been saying and the PA will listen.
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  5. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure. I've suggested relationship counselling before and he said that it doesn't work and if it's come to that, we're already doomed
     
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Im so sorry. Only will know when you have had enough...you have to take care of you, whatever that looks like. Best of luck to you in your next steps.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  7. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I appreciate that. I just don't see this ever changing. Now.the trust is gone. I dont trust him to be faithful and keep his word and he doesn't trust me to not snoop through his phone and computer.
     
  8. rockslide

    rockslide New Fapstronaut

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    Love this, stealing it.
     
  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hey Gymismylife...I understand completely about trust being gone. You are amazon strong too. You do what is right for you. If he wants you he will do whatever it takes, if not he will find an excuse. Trust your higher power
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    One more thing...he’s an addict, he’s going to lie, cheat, and manipulate . He broke your trust...you have every right to check absolutely every thing he says or does...if he has a problem with that, too bad. He has to demonstrate crystal clear transparency, if he can’t then you have some decisions to make. Just my opinion. Remember always that you are lovable and valuable. You deserve to loved and treasured...and that starts with you.
     
  11. Atomicflea

    Atomicflea Fapstronaut

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    Just a little two cents, you should probably get yourself checked out for any STDs especially as he may have been with escorts. At least you’ll have peace of mind about your physical health.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  12. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I appreciate that. Ugh. Thus sucks. The anger comes in waves. One minute in ok and the next, I'm bawling my eyes out.

    I appreciate you saying that I'm strong. I needed that because I don't feel strong right now. I feel very weak and helpless.
     
  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Good morning. Ya, you are strong, don’t doubt it for a second, and you’re on a rollercoaster of emotions. It sucks big time, but you’re going to come out stronger than you can believe.
    I understand completely, one day I feel like I’ve got it all together and the next day I’m overwhelmed , feeling sorry for myself and want to through in the towel.
    It’s okay to feel weak and helpless, I think for me that’s when I know I have to take care of the little girl inside. Just love her and nurture her.
    One of the other posts I read mentioned podcasts entitled
    The betrayed,the addict,the expert. It was posted by Wade W. Wilson
    I checked them out and he is correct, they are very insightful.
    This is just a moment in time...it won’t last forever. Deep breath and a quiet spot.
     
    Susannah and hope4healing like this.
  14. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for being so kind to me and taking the time to reply. I'm barely hanging on right now. I'm devastated and I have no idea what to do. I feel like I have to be the strong one. Since the latest discovery, he's been an emotional wreck. Feeling sorry for himself. It's not fair. I.donr want to be the steong one right now. Why can't he be the strong one.sometimes? Are you finding the same thing with your SO? Do you find that you have to be the one to be rational, and not get emotional? How do you handle it?
     
  15. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    My situation is this: husband with a 40yr porn addiction. (Totally hidden from me) this is long

    Husband works out of town, 10 days he’s gone 10 days he’s home. When he’s home he’s the most dotting loving man you’ll ever see. Friends and family have always commented on how how loving he is , kind he is, how lucky I am etc.. My response use to be yes I am. However over the years, I started to go down hill. Anxiety, depression, isolation, self loathing the whole entire physiological disaster. I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

    The harder I tried the worse I became. I use to be a dynamic, funny, outgoing, a highly functional independent woman. I ended up the shell of the person I use to be. A doormat.

    How does a person reconcile what the public sees and what goes on behind closed doors.
    Anyway...to cut to the chase...three weeks after I buried my mother, my husband discloses that he has been looking at porn for the entire length of our marriage. He said he didn’t care how it affected me, our marriage ,or us as a couple. AT ALL . It was like dropping a rock on a mirror, my world shattered in a million pieces.

    Now over the course of our almost 20 year relationship, I have always felt a disconnect, and emotional distance. I made excuses for it though, ( big mistake). He had a horrible childhood, spiritual abuse, physical abuse by his mother etc.. I tried all sorts of different tactics to get him to open up. There was never a problem in his eyes. Life was great, it was me who had to get it together. I compare it to a slow growing cancer. Had we been in daily contact, I’m sure this relationship would be in a different stage.

    I was in physio , and my physiotherapist said she was proud of me. I cried all the way home for it was the first time anyone had ever told me they were proud of me. That day I told my husband to either step up or step out of the way...I was done with the marriage...whereby he promoptly disclosed his PMO.

    When he disclosed I went into total shock..I literally froze. I couldn’t lift my arms, could barely walk, I wasn’t sleeping at all, my hair fell out in clumps . I was a mess. This all happened 3 weeks after I buried my mother. My entire life with this man was a lie..and I carried it for him. Once I got over the shock (6 months) the fog started to lift and the anger set in. Along with that came the realization how deeply used and abused I had allowed myself to be.

    In our relationship I have always been the one who when life presents challenges it’s me who is the problem solver, emotional support was given to him, but was NEVER returned. In fact every opportunity he had to through me under the bus , he did...but I made excuses for abuse. He said he didn’t know how to protect himself, how could he protect me? Keep in mind, he was very kind at times, and friends and family saying how wonderful he was a total mind @#$& to say the least. I believe now I’m in a situation called a betrayal bond...or Stockholm syndrome.

    So now I know what’s going on with the gaslighting,scapegoating,stonewalling,avoiding etc...and the gig is up. I’m not buying into his bullshit, or oh poor me attitude. I’ve realized I’m incredibly resilient, i got through this, I can get through anything . If he wants this relationship, he’s going to have to prove it through his actions and behaviour.

    He’s going to have to step up his game , get to meetings, buy into the program, see a therapist and demonstrate healing progress. He has until June 1 to show progress. If he doesn’t I’m walking. If progress is made by that date we will go for another 3 months . Our marriage is in negotiations. There is no physical contact and we are sleeping in separate rooms.

    Since I’ve set the boundaries, got on with my life, and am letting him solve his own problems he’s been a heck of a lot more respectful. He says he loves me and wants us to work out, but the next breath he says he has no feelings. So who knows what going on in his mind. He says he hasn’t looked at porn or any PMO activities since September of 2018. Yup that’s right , just cold turkey and white knuckling it. I don’t believe him.

    What I do know is that I’ve neglected myself, put his needs above mine, bent over backwards to please him and I’m done. If he wants the marriage he’s going to have to work for it, because I’m worth it and I will NOT settle for less. I survived 17-18 years of emotional abuse and I’m still standing, and stronger than before. He trained me well.

    Don’t buy into the poor me attitude, there are resources available. If I had known what I was up against ten years ago, I wouldn’t have experienced the emotional trauma that I did and let me tell you the body pain of freezing is intense. Be good to you, let him wallow in his pit of self pity and demonstrate to him that you are who you are..STRONG, CAPABLE, and BRAVE.
    and don’t settle for anything less than the best.

    You are a compassionate, loving, kind and generous person..give that to yourself. BE GOOD TO YOU..
    Hugs and prayers being sent
     

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