Another Discovery

Of course it’s up to you and I haven’t read your whole story, but it’s important to keep in mind this is an addiction. Finally coming to terms with that helped both me and my wife. It took it out of the realm of moral failure or disregard for my wife, and also helped me understand why I could not quit and was sliding deeper into things that I hated. Having said all that, it’s just an excuse unless he’s willing to admit the addiction and get help with it.

 

Would he go to a counselor with you. I’ve found that the counselor can sometimes say exactly what the SO has been saying and the PA will listen.

 

Im so sorry. Only will know when you have had enough...you have to take care of you, whatever that looks like. Best of luck to you in your next steps.

 

Love this, stealing it.

 

Hey Gymismylife...I understand completely about trust being gone. You are amazon strong too. You do what is right for you. If he wants you he will do whatever it takes, if not he will find an excuse. Trust your higher power

 

One more thing...he’s an addict, he’s going to lie, cheat, and manipulate . He broke your trust...you have every right to check absolutely every thing he says or does...if he has a problem with that, too bad. He has to demonstrate crystal clear transparency, if he can’t then you have some decisions to make. Just my opinion. Remember always that you are lovable and valuable. You deserve to loved and treasured...and that starts with you.

 

Just a little two cents, you should probably get yourself checked out for any STDs especially as he may have been with escorts. At least you’ll have peace of mind about your physical health.

 

Good morning. Ya, you are strong, don’t doubt it for a second, and you’re on a rollercoaster of emotions. It sucks big time, but you’re going to come out stronger than you can believe.
I understand completely, one day I feel like I’ve got it all together and the next day I’m overwhelmed , feeling sorry for myself and want to through in the towel.
It’s okay to feel weak and helpless, I think for me that’s when I know I have to take care of the little girl inside. Just love her and nurture her.
One of the other posts I read mentioned podcasts entitled
The betrayed,the addict,the expert. It was posted by Wade W. Wilson
I checked them out and he is correct, they are very insightful.
This is just a moment in time...it won’t last forever. Deep breath and a quiet spot.

 

My situation is this: husband with a 40yr porn addiction. (Totally hidden from me) this is long

Husband works out of town, 10 days he’s gone 10 days he’s home. When he’s home he’s the most dotting loving man you’ll ever see. Friends and family have always commented on how how loving he is , kind he is, how lucky I am etc.. My response use to be yes I am. However over the years, I started to go down hill. Anxiety, depression, isolation, self loathing the whole entire physiological disaster. I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

The harder I tried the worse I became. I use to be a dynamic, funny, outgoing, a highly functional independent woman. I ended up the shell of the person I use to be. A doormat.

How does a person reconcile what the public sees and what goes on behind closed doors.
Anyway...to cut to the chase...three weeks after I buried my mother, my husband discloses that he has been looking at porn for the entire length of our marriage. He said he didn’t care how it affected me, our marriage ,or us as a couple. AT ALL . It was like dropping a rock on a mirror, my world shattered in a million pieces.

Now over the course of our almost 20 year relationship, I have always felt a disconnect, and emotional distance. I made excuses for it though, ( big mistake). He had a horrible childhood, spiritual abuse, physical abuse by his mother etc.. I tried all sorts of different tactics to get him to open up. There was never a problem in his eyes. Life was great, it was me who had to get it together. I compare it to a slow growing cancer. Had we been in daily contact, I’m sure this relationship would be in a different stage.

I was in physio , and my physiotherapist said she was proud of me. I cried all the way home for it was the first time anyone had ever told me they were proud of me. That day I told my husband to either step up or step out of the way...I was done with the marriage...whereby he promoptly disclosed his PMO.

When he disclosed I went into total shock..I literally froze. I couldn’t lift my arms, could barely walk, I wasn’t sleeping at all, my hair fell out in clumps . I was a mess. This all happened 3 weeks after I buried my mother. My entire life with this man was a lie..and I carried it for him. Once I got over the shock (6 months) the fog started to lift and the anger set in. Along with that came the realization how deeply used and abused I had allowed myself to be.

In our relationship I have always been the one who when life presents challenges it’s me who is the problem solver, emotional support was given to him, but was NEVER returned. In fact every opportunity he had to through me under the bus , he did...but I made excuses for abuse. He said he didn’t know how to protect himself, how could he protect me? Keep in mind, he was very kind at times, and friends and family saying how wonderful he was a total mind @#$& to say the least. I believe now I’m in a situation called a betrayal bond...or Stockholm syndrome.

So now I know what’s going on with the gaslighting,scapegoating,stonewalling,avoiding etc...and the gig is up. I’m not buying into his bullshit, or oh poor me attitude. I’ve realized I’m incredibly resilient, i got through this, I can get through anything . If he wants this relationship, he’s going to have to prove it through his actions and behaviour.

He’s going to have to step up his game , get to meetings, buy into the program, see a therapist and demonstrate healing progress. He has until June 1 to show progress. If he doesn’t I’m walking. If progress is made by that date we will go for another 3 months . Our marriage is in negotiations. There is no physical contact and we are sleeping in separate rooms.

Since I’ve set the boundaries, got on with my life, and am letting him solve his own problems he’s been a heck of a lot more respectful. He says he loves me and wants us to work out, but the next breath he says he has no feelings. So who knows what going on in his mind. He says he hasn’t looked at porn or any PMO activities since September of 2018. Yup that’s right , just cold turkey and white knuckling it. I don’t believe him.

What I do know is that I’ve neglected myself, put his needs above mine, bent over backwards to please him and I’m done. If he wants the marriage he’s going to have to work for it, because I’m worth it and I will NOT settle for less. I survived 17-18 years of emotional abuse and I’m still standing, and stronger than before. He trained me well.

Don’t buy into the poor me attitude, there are resources available. If I had known what I was up against ten years ago, I wouldn’t have experienced the emotional trauma that I did and let me tell you the body pain of freezing is intense. Be good to you, let him wallow in his pit of self pity and demonstrate to him that you are who you are..STRONG, CAPABLE, and BRAVE.
and don’t settle for anything less than the best.

You are a compassionate, loving, kind and generous person..give that to yourself. BE GOOD TO YOU..
Hugs and prayers being sent