Another familiar season of deceit. Another Fall of tumbling.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Sep 30, 2019.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    My initially discovery was over a year ago.

    My husband claimed to abstain and more or less accepted the accountability software I insisted on for the majority of the time, with a few issues of argument induced defiance wherein he removed the software for a time (few days to a week) without my consent. During those times I disconnected.

    And here we are again. Last night my husband had been missing for a while, “antsy” and when I found him he immediately tried to hide and cover a tablet— this was something we got for our toddler a long time ago that I had forgotten we even had.

    I demanded to see what he was doing. He claimed he was journaling and didn’t want me to see. BS. I could see actual journaling on notebook paper and his laptop (that does have accountability software on it)was also out— but there would be no reason to have a third, hidden redundant device for journaling. He wasn’t trying to hide his actual journal. I told him to prove it and show me the screen so I could see if it was a word document, at least at a glance. He refused.

    I was shaking. My trauma stirred up. I emphatically told him time after time I needed to see. That this makes me feel sick. Because I know he has lied about these things before. He had some remorse but refused to show me. I told him multiple times that if he didn’t show me before I left the room it would be too late—at which point I’m sure he would tamper with and adjust whatever he was actually viewing. He said “Just let me have this. I’m trying to process a lot.”

    I told him if he didn’t let me see that I was going to assume worst case scenario. He still would not show me.

    I feel like I’m living with a sneaking lying, cheating sociopath who prioritizes porn/online chats over his marriage and family.

    We JUST closed on a new house today and now I’m so sullen. The only bright side is that if we have an in house separation, this house has better separate quarters.

    I did not allow him to come to our bedroom last night. I told him if he didn’t comply I would disconnect hard and he’s putting our family at risk. I feel sick imagining if he’s trying to catfish underage girls again. What could be so awful that he couldn’t show me?

    I’m really thinking I’ve wasted enough time and energy on this. We have three small children and my heart aches at the notion of them growing up in a broken home... but at this point I’m repulsed by him. I feel like I’m living with a criminal. We had recently discussed getting rid of accountability stuff completely bc he “wants me to trust him” and then he pulls this shit. I don’t know that I can ever fully trust him again.
     
    fadedfidelity and fuzzywaz like this.
  2. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

  3. SSJ N

    SSJ N Fapstronaut

    It really is disgusting. You say again? Must be hard for you. I feel sorry about it on reading. Can't imagine what you are feeling.
     
  4. Silver382

    Silver382 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry for what you are dealing with but I have to wonder about your choice of words.no matter what your frustration is you could be making it so much harder on your self and him .youmcan.only control you.conduct he has to.learn to control his and he may need help with this or both might need help with there own conduct. Please read what you wrote as if it was being said to you thank you good luxk
     
  5. Get_It

    Get_It Fapstronaut

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    Sorry you're going through this.
     
  6. Silver382

    Silver382 Fapstronaut

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    Well this is starting to look take bye
     
  7. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I use this to vent. Keep in mind I haven’t specifically said all this directly to him. Not yet anyway. Most of these are my internal thoughts. I’m not sure what conduct concerns you.
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  8. Silver382

    Silver382 Fapstronaut

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    Ok I read some other post in response to your and was getting confused as to what was going on venting is good.part of my real Once was Mr reaction to your words. I grew up in a unkind investment and my wife whom I had two children ended becoming bipolor.I and my children had 13 very bad years and now they and I have been in therapy for the year! Please excuse my reaction
     
  9. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Sorry your husband is lying and not doing right by you. Seems like perhaps he was a real good pretender and got you to sign another house with him while he faked recovery. Addicts are ridiculous. Do not trust! He has broken trust and does not deserve your respect. He must earn it through ACTIONS not words. Seems as though he is planning to fake recovery and string you along. Be careful and take care of you! Best of luck, my dear.
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  10. suchafool10

    suchafool10 Fapstronaut

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    Addicts cannot keep anything to themselves. The fact that he was hiding something from you is not good at all. If the addict is unwilling to be accountable for all of their actions and live a transparent life with their spouse, trust can never, ever be earned. My husband is currently on two weeks of couch consequences because he was not accountable for his time this last week and also lied about something not pmo related. But, if he would lie about those things, what else is he lying about? You cannot control your husband’s actions, only how you react to them. You are also going to have to understand, and I’m not sure how long you’ve been trapped in this addict he’ll, but even if he stops his infidelity, the behavior will not change maybe ever. There are many, many things that come along with this addiction. Old habits do indeed die hard.
     

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