Another one of many.

Hello. My name is Iván Suárez. I am 25, currently studying arts at the Universidad Nacional de Colombia, in Bogotá, where Iv'e lived all my life. Actually, I have only one semester left to finish this undergraduate program, the one in which I'm going to make my thesis. It is a project that relates painting, drawing, photogtaphy and weaving in order to develop the topic of spiritual path and social activism. I haven't started it yet, it is only the idea in its simplest form.

I studied at and graduated from Colegio San Carlos, a pretty nice masculine school founded by Benedict monks in the 60's, a school that emphazised its teaching in self-government and freedom. I've lived all my life with my parents and my older brother in the same apartment in the north of Bogotá.
Why am I giving you all this personal information? Because I consider the background to be extremely important at the time of "healing" a, lets call it disorder (I don't want to call it disease in order not to sound dramatic, although I consider it to be a mental and spiritual disease) that I've been developing a very long time ago.

My consumption of internet porn started when I was 11 or 12, I don't remember exactly when, but it must have been somewhere between those years. Since then, I have been a regular user, at times using it a lot, at times stopping completely for a mont or more. I consider it to be a critical problem because I can't stop even though I've tried many times to abandon it in many different ways and I've failed. That's why I'm looking for help here.

Since I was around 16 or 17 I started with a curiosity for spiritual practices (such as zen meditation), altered states of conciousness (induced by taking many type of entheogens and drugs), art, poetry, cinema, music, and almost any kind of artistic expression. Also, I have always been concerned about the conflict in Colombia, specially what's related with social injustice, poverty, lack of public education and missery. I consider love to be the standard of life in order to accomplish the goal of human existence (as I think it is): help this world to be a fair place where everyone has the same opportunities to devlop theirselves at all levels and reach a complete connection with the divine, to live in harmony with our environment withouth destroying the world and respecting the right of every living being of having a peaceful and healthy life.
All those concerns have in a way helped me to be aware of the importance of avoiding unhealthy habits and keeping a more or less righteous moral disposition in my relationships, although I made some nasty mistakes. I have been in a beautiful relationship with a woman for around 5 or 6 years now, she has helped and supported me (has been extremely tolerant and comprehensive) with this issue and all the conflict it has rised among us, but I've not been strong enough to leave my addiction and it is turning my whole life into shit in these days. This relationship has been near to end and has sufferd a lot, my relationships with my family, friends, colleagues and comrades has been damaged, and most of all, I have felt life has no value, no purpose, felt a desire to destroy my existence and dissapear completely or run away. But what it is still alive in me, struggling for light and purpose has helped me to dismiss those ideas, ask for help and try to make things right.