Anti Androgens for paraphiliae (Long post!)

So I'm having intrusive thoughts that have arousal attached to them, for reasons that are beyond the scope of the this post. My first question is this: in my abstinence, sexual coloring seems to be accumulating on the objects of my paraphilia *much faster* than my old, conventional preferences. It's worth noting that I was virtually pansexual for most of my internet life, and that there just one thing I had hangups about. I confess I wasn't perfect, but the way online erotic artwork is labelled on image galleries is atrociously inaccurate.

I'm trying to do a reboot and I feel that, rather than having my old sexuality restored, all of the bodily perceptions, depth, aesthetic and so on that are supposed to be going to my original preferences are getting appropriated onto this new object, with my original preferences being as plain as ever. I'm going to use the word intrusive thoughts as a way of describing my volition when they happen, but this isn't simply OCD, though I do have a history of that. I should also say that just before this I was doing 3 weeks, 5 weeks, 2 weeks, 4 weeks of no PMO, and that all of my pornography usage in the last 3 years has been to preempt this.

Some nights I don't sleep because these intrusive thoughts occur as I'm falling asleep, and due to my habits with every other subject of pornography, my mind just goes with it for just long enough to be problematic. (Usually I snap out in a quarter of a second). I'm concerned that if have even these mental purely experiences, they will, in some way, be manifest in my brain forever, and any future encounter with this object in everyday life will have its history as a paraphilic object in the background. It's like a prion disease for my sexual orientation. It's gotten to the point where I can't even type words like "arousal", and so on without some horrible warm flush going through me, which has influenced the way I type this post, and the amount of detail I go into.

My plan is to trace my thought habits and learn meditation. But I just don't feel safe doing that with all these intrusive thoughts. I would like to take anti androgens to put my libido down until I've become proficient at vipassana meditation and good old fashion shamatha (concentration of breathing) meditation. Being able to synthesize mental states that are antithetical to arousal (such as what loving-kindness meditation does for anger) would also be helpful.

Doing so would also put me in a better position to clear out the years - layer of desensitization around my original preferences that my sexual energy is just gliding off of.

I've considered going to a walk in clinic or emergency room to get a hold of a prescription for anti androgens. However, I was told by a forensic psychologist over a phone call that I risk triggering the health care provider's Duty to Warn. I feel that this person has gotten completely the wrong idea of the nature of my problem, but it's still enough to give me pause.

Does anyone here have a clearer idea of what a general medical practitioner's trigger finger is like, at say a walk in clinic or the emergency room? Does anyone have any recommendations for god libido suppressants? I should say that a walk in doctor I spoke to explained that plant based phytoestrogens were not bioavailable.

 

When you say root, do you mean behavioral habit, or the sexual imprint onto objects that are not generally sexualized? There is something other than volition going on in the latter case, and this whole task would be a lot simpler if I wasn't wondering how many of these mental associations and new perceptions are permanent, regardless of what can be said for other associations eventually winning out in the long term.

Is this to prevent PMO, or to reduce baseline libido such that not even feelings of a sexual nature occur? That is, would libidinous feelings still exist and I would merely be apathetic towards them, or would it in-and-of-itself be reduced?

Nice! I once approached the Buddhist priest of a temple I go to from time to time, and he did this 15 minute ceremony with holy water and what I can only describe as him praying the Metta Sutta to me, ending with my chanting Dhajagga Sutta by myself. It felt like my hands, head and genital region had the anti-frequency of libido flowing through them. The feelings there I can only describe as "extinguishment". Peaceful sleep that night!