Anxiety about Dating

Deleted Account · Jul 29, 2018

While I am on my streak of no PMO, as usually happens, I develop strong feelings of loneliness. At age 35, I have never dated, but feel like I need to. I feel embarrassed about my lack of experience, and at my age I feel all alone in dealing with this. All the years not dealing with this. I have been crying a lot about this. The thought of dating makes me feel extremely anxious, with all the do's and don'ts that are involved. At this point, I am having a hard time even thinking about dating, let alone getting out and actually trying it. So I resolve to at least start thinking about dating, and what it involves, every day, in an effort to overcome at least my anxiety about thinking about it. Today I ordered a book about Dating Advice for Men. I also have an appt with my therapist later this week and will talk about this issue with her too
Just wondering about other people's experiences with this, advice, etc.
Thanks

elevate · Jul 29, 2018

Dating is something you've neglected in your life. You consistently made it a bigger deal over time. So it became harder to start with each passing year.

You're being overly cautious. Excessively careful. Too much concern for possible failure. Making too much conscious effort to have success. You're trying to gather as much information as possible in order to get rid of your fear for something you're incompetent and insecure about. Focusing too much on all the things that you can't control.

Perfectionism is the result of a mental obsession with achieving the “ideal”—as a minimum requirement—in all situations and areas of life. Procrastination results from the refusal to take action until an “ideal” result is guaranteed in every situation.

Perfectionism: obsession with the “ideal.” Perfectionism represents a belief system about how life should work—not how life actually does work, but how it should. This is a crucial point. Perfectionists live in an all-encompassing world of “shoulds.” They especially direct this toward themselves. They “should” be this, they “should” have done that, this “shouldn’t” have happened to them. And, in every case, what actually did happen never measures up to their judgment about what should have happened. Perfectionism leads to a perpetual dissatisfaction with the past and pessimism about the future. In both cases, past and future, as well as the present, perfectionists never take ownership of what happens to them.

Procrastination: refusal to take action. Procrastinators insist on guarantees before taking action in a world that doesn’t provide any guarantees. They continually end up feeling guilty over their stupidity, and yet they keep emotionally insisting on the guarantees. Because of their obsession with perfectionism, they find it difficult to make a decision or a commitment unless they can be certain it will lead to an “ideal” result. Out of necessity, they have to produce some results in life just to make an income, but it’s always a struggle. Procrastinators are their own worst enemies because they undermine their own confidence and cut themselves off from opportunities, resources, and capabilities that other people could provide to them—if only they would take action at the appropriate time.

Valuable opportunities are lost because of these habits. When we spend our lives waiting until we're perfect or bulletproof before we do something with our lives, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable.

--------------------

Something those dating books won't tell you about being successful with dating is that you have to fail. You have to repeatedly fail and be rejected. You have to face pain, problems, and negative experiences. You have to fuck up and be embarrassed. You have to say and do the wrong things. Things have to go wrong. You can't control other people and you can't control what's going to happen. All you can do is your best.

You will start out incompetent and insecure at it. You need repeated courage (to fuck up, fail, and get rejected) to gain competence. Repeated competence leads to confidence, but you can't gain competence and confidence without starting and gaining experience. You're too busy looking for guarantees that everything will work out and everyone will be interested in you, but that guarantee doesn't exist. So you continue to procrastinate looking for that guarantee. You keep neglecting the scary, uncertain, and difficult thing that you know you should be doing to become the person you want to be and to have the life that you want to have. And here you are at 35 faced with the problem you've been neglecting for most of your life. Same problem, but you've made it into a bigger deal over the years.

You have to fail, be rejected, and fuck up repeatedly to get good and see success in dating and with anything in life that's outside your comfort zone. The people who are the most successful with dating are those that are most comfortable with rejection, failure, and getting hurt.

The more risks you take, the more you'll fail, but also the more you'll succeed.

The less risks you take, the less you'll fail, but also the less you'll succeed.

You've taken little to no risks in dating. You haven't failed, but you also haven't succeeded. You erased the possibilities of negative experiences, but you've also erased the possibilities of positive experiences. Zero experience leads to no competence and no confidence. You need to allow and deal with the negative if you want to get to the positive.

You can't research, worry, and think your way out of this process.

It's good that you're sad and crying about this because this is a problem that deserves your attention.

elevate · Jul 29, 2018

Yes it sucks that you're 35 and you have to start from scratch, but you know what's worst than starting at 35? Starting at 45. Starting at 55. Starting at 65. Dying without starting.

Regret is scarier than change. Regret doesn’t come from failure. It comes from not trying at all.

You should be scared and sad about this.

Time either promotes you or exposes you. At this point of your life (with dating) time has exposed you. A year / 5 years / 10 years from now will you let time expose you again or will you thank your 35 year old self for doing the scary, difficult, and uncertain thing that leads to positive change?

Jason_Tesla_19 · Jul 29, 2018

elevate said: ↑

Dating is something you've neglected in your life. You consistently made it a bigger deal over time. So it became harder to start with each passing year.

You're being overly cautious. Excessively careful. Too much concern for possible failure. Making too much conscious effort to have success. You're trying to gather as much information as possible in order to get rid of your fear for something you're incompetent and insecure about. Focusing too much on all the things that you can't control.

Perfectionism is the result of a mental obsession with achieving the “ideal”—as a minimum requirement—in all situations and areas of life. Procrastination results from the refusal to take action until an “ideal” result is guaranteed in every situation.

Perfectionism: obsession with the “ideal.” Perfectionism represents a belief system about how life should work—not how life actually does work, but how it should. This is a crucial point. Perfectionists live in an all-encompassing world of “shoulds.” They especially direct this toward themselves. They “should” be this, they “should” have done that, this “shouldn’t” have happened to them. And, in every case, what actually did happen never measures up to their judgment about what should have happened. Perfectionism leads to a perpetual dissatisfaction with the past and pessimism about the future. In both cases, past and future, as well as the present, perfectionists never take ownership of what happens to them.

Procrastination: refusal to take action. Procrastinators insist on guarantees before taking action in a world that doesn’t provide any guarantees. They continually end up feeling guilty over their stupidity, and yet they keep emotionally insisting on the guarantees. Because of their obsession with perfectionism, they find it difficult to make a decision or a commitment unless they can be certain it will lead to an “ideal” result. Out of necessity, they have to produce some results in life just to make an income, but it’s always a struggle. Procrastinators are their own worst enemies because they undermine their own confidence and cut themselves off from opportunities, resources, and capabilities that other people could provide to them—if only they would take action at the appropriate time.

Valuable opportunities are lost because of these habits. When we spend our lives waiting until we're perfect or bulletproof before we do something with our lives, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable.

--------------------

Something those dating books won't tell you about being successful with dating is that you have to fail. You have to repeatedly fail and be rejected. You have to face pain, problems, and negative experiences. You have to fuck up and be embarrassed. You have to say and do the wrong things. Things have to go wrong. You can't control other people and you can't control what's going to happen. All you can do is your best.

You will start out incompetent and insecure at it. You need repeated courage (to fuck up, fail, and get rejected) to gain competence. Repeated competence leads to confidence, but you can't gain competence and confidence without starting and gaining experience. You're too busy looking for guarantees that everything will work out and everyone will be interested in you, but that guarantee doesn't exist. So you continue to procrastinate looking for that guarantee. You keep neglecting the scary, uncertain, and difficult thing that you know you should be doing to become the person you want to be and to have the life that you want to have. And here you are at 35 faced with the problem you've been neglecting for most of your life. Same problem, but you've made it into a bigger deal over the years.

You have to fail, be rejected, and fuck up repeatedly to get good and see success in dating and with anything in life that's outside your comfort zone. The people who are the most successful with dating are those that are most comfortable with rejection, failure, and getting hurt.

The more risks you take, the more you'll fail, but also the more you'll succeed.

The less risks you take, the less you'll fail, but also the less you'll succeed.

You've taken little to no risks in dating. You haven't failed, but you also haven't succeeded. You erased the possibilities of negative experiences, but you've also erased the possibilities of positive experiences. Zero experience leads to no competence and no confidence. You need to allow and deal with the negative if you want to get to the positive.

You can't research, worry, and think your way out of this process.

It's good that you're sad and crying about this because this is a problem that deserves your attention.
Click to expand...

This likely applies in most areas of life, not just dating. I've struggled with perfectionism, procrastination, and OCD throughout my whole life. If I could give this post multiple likes I would. Thanks!

Deleted Account · Jul 30, 2018

Thank you Elevate, what you say really rings true! Not the first time I've been called a perfectionist! You're right, I have to be comfortable with failure, and rejection, and yes, five years from now, I want to be thanking my 35 year old self! Great way to look at it

elevate · Jul 30, 2018

The problem with being overly cautious / being a perfectionist is you don't try enough. Less risks = less failures = less success. You go through mountains of research, worrying, and preparations and then you finally gather up the courage to actually try... then it fails because you have little experience based in reality.... so you go through even more research, worrying, and preparations.

Stop trying to control everything. You have to be non smooth. You have to be messy, awkward, unideal, uncertain, and bad at this in the beginning. What you're trying to do with your endless worrying is to erase that part of the process (perfectionism), but you can't escape that process if you want to get good at it and see success.

Your concept of how it's supposed to be is that you're not supposed to fail or get rejected, but that's not how it really is. So your how it's supposed to be is resisting how things really work in reality which stops you from ever taking action because you know that your beliefs are flawed when compared to reality.

ukbritishbloke · Jul 30, 2018

SuperFurryThing said: ↑

The thought of dating makes me feel extremely anxious, with all the do's and don'ts that are involved.
Click to expand...

What do's and don'ts? I do know what you mean, honestly. And I am trying to help you in a constructive way. But I think you need to challenge the idea that there are "do's and don'ts" at all. Of course you should not be an asshole to women, and should try to make a date with you an okay experience at the time *for both of you* even if you don't meet again and forget each other quickly. But apart from that, there are really no rules. You make the rules.

All dating is, is meeting women. What you'll be doing is meeting women, talking to them, and having a fun time. That's it. If you keep your expectations on that simple, fun level, it'll go well.

Having said there are no do's or don'ts, here are my thoughts on what can make dating fun and work well.

Don't be intense about it. It's just meeting women. Get away from feeling it's going to be love or lust at first sight.

A date can be anything. It can be a small thing like a coffee, it needn't be a big deal. In fact, lots of women like a really quick informal first meeting so they can get away quickly in case they get bored or creeped out.

If you fancy a woman and know she's single, ask her out for a coffee! It works best if you take the initiative and suggest dates, times and places. Have a few different really safe and nice feeling places where a woman could meet you for a 30-60 minute talk, like coffee places.

Just focusing on having a pleasant talk, and pay.

Forget about the "rejection" thing. It's not about that at all. First, you should be expecting not to want to meet many of these women again. Being nice, attractive and interesting (so enough to ask for and get a first date) isn't the same as being seriously interested in someone (which you might both feel by the third date). A lot of these women are going to be great, but not right for you. You're not rejecting them, and they're not rejecting you. You just met, had fun and are moving on. You may find you make some really good female friends this way (I did). Over time you get more relaxed about dating and better at knowing if you're really interested in someone or not.

If you felt it was great by all means tell her so, but the best thing to do is tell her you'll phone her the next day, and then to do so. Forget how you think she felt about you. Focus on whether you want to see her again. If you do, call her, say so and suggest a second date. If you don't, tell her it was great to meet her but you don't think it's a romantic thing, thank her and wish her luck.

If you get a second date make it a bit more of a substantial activity like an art gallery or a movie or a pizza. Don't make your mind up too soon. Everyone is more like their true selves on a second or third date. You want to make up your minds then.

Encourage women to make security arrangements (like phoning a friend) and be kind and positive about every woman you meet. Any woman who meets you even for just one coffee deserves a lot of respect from you. As a guy you get the good side of dating (look around you; would you want to go on first dates with guys?) so enjoy it. 99.9% of the women you can ever meet are worth meeting and fun.

The most difficult thing is if you are really interested in someone, do a couple of dates, and she decides she's not that into you. Tough, but not the end of the world. It happens to guys and women every day. Be kind to her (she'll be doing something really hard when she lets you down) and wish her luck.

Remember this, too. Many women have bad experiences on dates. They sometimes come home feeling bored (the best way to avoid this is to let her talk too, and to listen), or insulted, or perved on or creeped out or made to feel ugly or fat or old or bad. Don't be that guy. Be the guy who's great *to every woman* and try to leave her feeling better even if neither of you fancies the other.

So don't be an asshole to women, and just have fun. That's it.

Deleted Account · Jul 30, 2018

elevate said: ↑

Dating is something you've neglected in your life. You consistently made it a bigger deal over time. So it became harder to start with each passing year.

You're being overly cautious. Excessively careful. Too much concern for possible failure. Making too much conscious effort to have success. You're trying to gather as much information as possible in order to get rid of your fear for something you're incompetent and insecure about. Focusing too much on all the things that you can't control.

Perfectionism is the result of a mental obsession with achieving the “ideal”—as a minimum requirement—in all situations and areas of life. Procrastination results from the refusal to take action until an “ideal” result is guaranteed in every situation.

Perfectionism: obsession with the “ideal.” Perfectionism represents a belief system about how life should work—not how life actually does work, but how it should. This is a crucial point. Perfectionists live in an all-encompassing world of “shoulds.” They especially direct this toward themselves. They “should” be this, they “should” have done that, this “shouldn’t” have happened to them. And, in every case, what actually did happen never measures up to their judgment about what should have happened. Perfectionism leads to a perpetual dissatisfaction with the past and pessimism about the future. In both cases, past and future, as well as the present, perfectionists never take ownership of what happens to them.

Procrastination: refusal to take action. Procrastinators insist on guarantees before taking action in a world that doesn’t provide any guarantees. They continually end up feeling guilty over their stupidity, and yet they keep emotionally insisting on the guarantees. Because of their obsession with perfectionism, they find it difficult to make a decision or a commitment unless they can be certain it will lead to an “ideal” result. Out of necessity, they have to produce some results in life just to make an income, but it’s always a struggle. Procrastinators are their own worst enemies because they undermine their own confidence and cut themselves off from opportunities, resources, and capabilities that other people could provide to them—if only they would take action at the appropriate time.

Valuable opportunities are lost because of these habits. When we spend our lives waiting until we're perfect or bulletproof before we do something with our lives, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable.

--------------------

Something those dating books won't tell you about being successful with dating is that you have to fail. You have to repeatedly fail and be rejected. You have to face pain, problems, and negative experiences. You have to fuck up and be embarrassed. You have to say and do the wrong things. Things have to go wrong. You can't control other people and you can't control what's going to happen. All you can do is your best.

You will start out incompetent and insecure at it. You need repeated courage (to fuck up, fail, and get rejected) to gain competence. Repeated competence leads to confidence, but you can't gain competence and confidence without starting and gaining experience. You're too busy looking for guarantees that everything will work out and everyone will be interested in you, but that guarantee doesn't exist. So you continue to procrastinate looking for that guarantee. You keep neglecting the scary, uncertain, and difficult thing that you know you should be doing to become the person you want to be and to have the life that you want to have. And here you are at 35 faced with the problem you've been neglecting for most of your life. Same problem, but you've made it into a bigger deal over the years.

You have to fail, be rejected, and fuck up repeatedly to get good and see success in dating and with anything in life that's outside your comfort zone. The people who are the most successful with dating are those that are most comfortable with rejection, failure, and getting hurt.

The more risks you take, the more you'll fail, but also the more you'll succeed.

The less risks you take, the less you'll fail, but also the less you'll succeed.

You've taken little to no risks in dating. You haven't failed, but you also haven't succeeded. You erased the possibilities of negative experiences, but you've also erased the possibilities of positive experiences. Zero experience leads to no competence and no confidence. You need to allow and deal with the negative if you want to get to the positive.

You can't research, worry, and think your way out of this process.

It's good that you're sad and crying about this because this is a problem that deserves your attention.
Click to expand...

At the risk of sounding "excessively careful" or "overly cautious", I still intend to follow the initial plan I mentioned in my first post. After all, this is my recovery. I feel like my recovery has been going well the last few months. I've made a ton of progress on dealing with depression, developing a social life, exercising, doing positive affirmations, seeing a therapist, vastly improving my diet, getting back on my medication, going to Smart Recovery groups, joining NoFap and cutting out PMO. Six months ago, these things were not in place. Now, finally, I'm actually starting to confront the dating issue. Allowing myself to feel the negative emotions associated with dating is important. Allowing myself to prepare myself mentally is important to me. Getting advice from other people on how to date is important to me. Talking with my therapist about this is important to me. Based on past experience, trying to date/get a girlfriend is something that can throw off all the other progress I've made on other things. So no, I'm not willing to jump head first in to something that may jeopardize the other gains I've made. If that makes me a coward in the eyes of some, than so be it. Additionally, dating/getting a girlfriend is not something I have to do, at all, to prove myself in any way, shape, or form. It is simply a new goal that I have, that I want to try to start achieving at. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back saying this.
Now, if anybody actually has any of their own specific, concrete experiences to share about dealing with similar issues, please share!

Deleted Account · Jul 30, 2018

Get a dating coach, honestly i don't think you need to buy a book on dating. All the information you are looking for is free on the internet. Just use YouTube there are hundreds of videos on dating. Find someone that talks about natural game and not pick up. For the dating itself start with online dating it is super simple and low obligation. You need to build up your confidence. Also work on your anxiety too with the therapy. You can do real life approaches when you get more confidence. My advice would be to start with the online dating because that is what most people do these days. You find someone, have a conversation, exchange phone numbers. Talk over IM or on the phone. Set up a date and then meet in real life. Eventually you will get the hang of it.

I have been doing this for years i learnt everything from personal experiences, online coaches and from talking to lots of people. Not just guys but girls too so you understand how it works for both genders.

Deleted Account · Jul 30, 2018

ukbritishbloke said: ↑

What do's and don'ts? I do know what you mean, honestly. And I am trying to help you in a constructive way. But I think you need to challenge the idea that there are "do's and don'ts" at all. Of course you should not be an asshole to women, and should try to make a date with you an okay experience at the time *for both of you* even if you don't meet again and forget each other quickly. But apart from that, there are really no rules. You make the rules.

All dating is, is meeting women. What you'll be doing is meeting women, talking to them, and having a fun time. That's it. If you keep your expectations on that simple, fun level, it'll go well.

Having said there are no do's or don'ts, here are my thoughts on what can make dating fun and work well.

Don't be intense about it. It's just meeting women. Get away from feeling it's going to be love or lust at first sight.

A date can be anything. It can be a small thing like a coffee, it needn't be a big deal. In fact, lots of women like a really quick informal first meeting so they can get away quickly in case they get bored or creeped out.

If you fancy a woman and know she's single, ask her out for a coffee! It works best if you take the initiative and suggest dates, times and places. Have a few different really safe and nice feeling places where a woman could meet you for a 30-60 minute talk, like coffee places.

Just focusing on having a pleasant talk, and pay.

Forget about the "rejection" thing. It's not about that at all. First, you should be expecting not to want to meet many of these women again. Being nice, attractive and interesting (so enough to ask for and get a first date) isn't the same as being seriously interested in someone (which you might both feel by the third date). A lot of these women are going to be great, but not right for you. You're not rejecting them, and they're not rejecting you. You just met, had fun and are moving on. You may find you make some really good female friends this way (I did). Over time you get more relaxed about dating and better at knowing if you're really interested in someone or not.

If you felt it was great by all means tell her so, but the best thing to do is tell her you'll phone her the next day, and then to do so. Forget how you think she felt about you. Focus on whether you want to see her again. If you do, call her, say so and suggest a second date. If you don't, tell her it was great to meet her but you don't think it's a romantic thing, thank her and wish her luck.

If you get a second date make it a bit more of a substantial activity like an art gallery or a movie or a pizza. Don't make your mind up too soon. Everyone is more like their true selves on a second or third date. You want to make up your minds then.

Encourage women to make security arrangements (like phoning a friend) and be kind and positive about every woman you meet. Any woman who meets you even for just one coffee deserves a lot of respect from you. As a guy you get the good side of dating (look around you; would you want to go on first dates with guys?) so enjoy it. 99.9% of the women you can ever meet are worth meeting and fun.

The most difficult thing is if you are really interested in someone, do a couple of dates, and she decides she's not that into you. Tough, but not the end of the world. It happens to guys and women every day. Be kind to her (she'll be doing something really hard when she lets you down) and wish her luck.

Remember this, too. Many women have bad experiences on dates. They sometimes come home feeling bored (the best way to avoid this is to let her talk too, and to listen), or insulted, or perved on or creeped out or made to feel ugly or fat or old or bad. Don't be that guy. Be the guy who's great *to every woman* and try to leave her feeling better even if neither of you fancies the other.

So don't be an asshole to women, and just have fun. That's it.
Click to expand...

Thank you britishbloke. You make some really wonderful points. I like the mindset that you bring. Part of the problem for me is that, having been engaging in regular PMO for the last 20 years, I worry that my view of women isn't very good. I think that has gone hand in hand with the no dating thing, and my past experiences with women. I need to change that. So I like how you offer a different way (from what I'm used to) of thinking about women and dating, putting oneself in their shoes, etc. That's helpful. When I say "rules", I guess I'm talking about "etiquette", or maybe not just rules of dates in particular, but relationships in general. Like, maintaining a relationship over time. I'm bad/ignorant at that. For example, I don't have any real friends either. I used to have a lot of guy friends, but I withdrew from social life. Even back when I did have guy friends, I never talked with them about girls or relationship issues, like I was on the outside looking in, watching them have their girlfriends, but not participating myself. My dad has never offered any advice about dating, my mom is the only girlfriend he ever had. My younger brother is married and was always much more successful with women than me, but me being older than him I don't want to ask him for advice or help. So anyways that's why I appreciate the help/advice I can get here, it means a lot.

I've kind of been thinking of a term to describe myself, and I think that "closet heterosexual" fits. Like on the outside I've always been asexual, but in private, well I am attracted to women, want relationships with women, watched porn and fapped (obviously) to women. Why it's been like that, I haven't figured out yet, don't know if 20 years of PMO is a cause of that or symptom of something else

Anyway, thanks again, it helps to talk about this

Deleted Account · Jul 30, 2018

superninjared said: ↑

Get a dating coach, honestly i don't think you need to buy a book on dating. All the information you are looking for is free on the internet. Just use YouTube there are hundreds of videos on dating. Find someone that talks about natural game and not pick up. For the dating itself start with online dating it is super simple and low obligation. You need to build up your confidence. Also work on your anxiety too with the therapy. You can do real life approaches when you get more confidence. My advice would be to start with the online dating because that is what most people do these days. You find someone, have a conversation, exchange phone numbers. Talk over IM or on the phone. Set up a date and then meet in real life. Eventually you will get the hang of it.

I have been doing this for years i learnt everything from personal experiences, online coaches and from talking to lots of people. Not just guys but girls too so you understand how it works for both genders.
Click to expand...

Hi superninja, thank you. A dating coach sounds intriguing, I had looked that up in my city, and it was like $4000 for three months of their time. I'm not that desperate! But yeah looking on the internet, YouTube, a good idea. Don't know why it took me so long to figure that out, but it did. I've always hated the idea of online dating, always hated things like Facebook, etc., sort of like a philosophical revulsion at these things. But I can understand how maybe online dating would be helpful for at least getting me active in the dating realm, even if I don't like that approach/don't expect anything from it. So maybe I will try it, for that purpose.

Thanks again, and appreciate the help

Deleted Account · Aug 16, 2018

I have been off of NoFap for a couple weeks, due to binging on porn (it's a long story I posted elsewhere), but I'm back. I wanted to give an update on this thread about my dating anxiety. I have been watching a lot of dating coach videos on YouTube, and been reading a book on dating advice for men, and I am finding this all extremely helpful for my anxiety. Getting a lot of questions answered that I knew nothing about. Feeling like I'm being supported by these dating coaches, indirectly. I did encounter a girl through some of my Meetup groups recently, that I thought was interesting. I ended up working through some of the "steps" like talking to her, getting her phone number, texting and flirting, and asking her out on a date. Each step was incredibly anxiety provoking, but, I did it. She ended up turning me down because she said she is "seeing someone". I knew that rejection was always a possibility, and in the past this has been extremely painful for me. But I'm glad that despite all that, I didn't avoid it this time. And this rejection did hurt me, like all the others, even though I hardly know the girl. I did cry.

Let's explore why I cried. (Note: This paragraph is my "crying mind", and not my current state of mind.) Age 35 and still never dated, still a virgin. The rejection cuts me off from going further, from doing more steps, learning new things. I'm not given the chance to get better or grow. Also I have no frame of reference in my life for successful dating, so why would I expect the future to be any different. It's been nothing but painful failures. I'm an emotional freak. I'm mentally ill and no matter how hard I try, my mental illness makes it impossible to ever date, fall in love, have sex, live a fulfilling happy life, etc. Why would I want to continue doing something (getting rejected) that hurts?

Emotionally, the rejection hurts. But intellectually, I know that I made some little mini "successes", like getting the girls phone number, asking her out, etc. The rejection was a "test" that I "passed" because I didn't avoid it even though it might hurt. I replied to the girl in a dignified and respectful manner, instead of getting bent out of shape about it. I hold no anger or bitterness for her. I'm happy I did not let this drag out and just got these "steps" over with as quickly as possible, and now I can move on. I want to keep trying, keep getting better at the "steps", or the "skills", of dating and attraction. I'm a beginner. I'm focusing on the process, and not the outcome. That is a comforting thought. I'm getting better. I'm looking forward to trying again.

Thank you

Light of Freyja · Aug 17, 2018

elevate said: ↑

Yes it sucks that you're 35 and you have to start from scratch, but you know what's worst than starting at 35? Starting at 45. Starting at 55. Starting at 65. Dying without starting.

Regret is scarier than change. Regret doesn’t come from failure. It comes from not trying at all.

You should be scared and sad about this.

Time either promotes you or exposes you. At this point of your life (with dating) time has exposed you. A year / 5 years / 10 years from now will you let time expose you again or will you thank your 35 year old self for doing the scary, difficult, and uncertain thing that leads to positive change?
Click to expand...

Good posts.

Success is inevitable for those who persevere through difficulty SuperFurryThing. Don't lose heart and keep your eye on the prize.

From one late bloomer to another, I wish you great success in your endeavor. BTW, everyone is mentally ill. The ability to reflect upon ones self and act accordingly is the mark that separates the strong from the meek.

Deleted Account · Aug 17, 2018

Thank you Freyja. I think "late bloomer" is a good way of looking at things

Pastor Preston · Aug 17, 2018

Therapy helped me when I was struggling. I also left home and started college the year the counselor told me that I had social anxiety. I didn't want that to keep happening. Looking back, the bigger issue for me is that I tried to fix myself, and was never broken.

Remember that you're fine the way you are. Don't let anyone change you. Best of luck overcoming your fears!

Deleted Account · Aug 22, 2018

I feel like I came to a good, helpful, positive realization the last couple days or so. This is the idea that I can meet women anywhere, anytime. I don't have to wait for the "right" time, or "right" place. I don't have to wait for that singles Meetup that's in two weeks. Like theoretically I should be able to meet and talk to women anywhere, anytime in my regular daily life. Like places such as the grocery store, coffee shop, at work, at the gym, at a restaurant, at the farmer's market, at the bar down the street (if I want), online, through friends and family, going for a walk down the street, etc. That seems like common sense, but believe it or not, it is a radical idea for me. This summer I have been doing a lot of Meetup groups and hoping to meet women through these, and I have, and they are great for that purpose. But it's like I'm putting all my eggs in the Meetup basket. I have to wait until the next Meetup actually comes up, and in the meantime I'm not practicing or getting any better at my skills. For example, earlier I mentioned this girl I met at one of the Meetup groups back in June. At that time, there was nothing I did to carry the relationship any further. I was just "hoping" to run in to her again at another Meetup. Well that didn't happen until this month, so two months later. Meanwhile during that time, I wasn't examining any other prospects. So now when I asked her out, she was already with another guy. Again, I had put all my eggs in that basket, she had not. I still think it was good of me to get her number, and ask her out. But I think in order to increase my chances in the future, I need to "act fast", and also be on the lookout everywhere, all the time. So why not just look at life as a whole as being a great opportunity to meet women? I already felt this a little bit today. On my lunch break I went to a hip little restaurant, it was a beautiful day, I sat outside. I tried to get in to this mindset of "being on the lookout" for opportunities with women. Not just noticing attractive women, which I've always been able to do and takes no effort. But actually like talking to a woman who is a complete stranger. The hostess was extremely hot and I thought we had a moment of looking in to each other's eyes that was kind of nice. That got my attention and afterward I was thinking "that might have been a good opportunity to start a conversation". Then there was the waitress, who I felt I carried myself very well and confident with, had a moment where we laughed about something, I was assertive with my requests, etc. Just a different mindset than usual for me. Came away feeling pretty good and want this to continue

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