Anxiety/Depression/DP,DR/Visual Snow/Migraine w Aura/Tinnitus

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Shagwagon, Jun 9, 2020.

  1. Shagwagon

    Shagwagon New Fapstronaut


    I am but a lowly Fapstronaut Recruit roughly 2 weeks into my abstinence from P and M after using it chronically (1-2 times daily, sometimes every other day, depending on stress levels at the time) for nearly half of my life (29 yrs old). Since my start of NoFap I have been scouring these forums to better understand withdrawal symptoms and to gain a sense that I am not alone in this journey; one thing I’ve realized is that the more detail provided in these forums, the more helpful they are for me. Therefore, I will share my story with as many details as I can. Again, pornography and masturbation (PM) are what I’m abstaining from during this recovery. I have a girlfriend whom I have sex with regularly but since I’ve started NoFap we’ve agreed that once a week is an appropriate frequency for the time being. My story:

    I was introduced to P mags at around the age of 12 or 11, somewhere around there, and I remember being repulsed by it. By the age of 13 I was jerking nearly every day to P, any time I could get a moment alone. This, to me, sounds typical of a horny teenager just discovering the true use of his penis but at some point I must have become obsessed. Since the start of my abstinence I’ve actually been able to remember clearly how much I did jerk off in my early teens. Magazines eventually escalated into DvDs (best tech at the time). At the age of 15 I vividly remember the onset of Visual Snow and DP,DR as it was a severely traumatic event for me. Never would I (or did I up until this point) have correlated this condition to excessive M and abuse of P but it now makes sense more than ever. I suffered from anxiety for years after developing this because the DP,DR made it feel as if I was living some synthetic form of existence without colorful emotion and a sense that I had lost my own personality.

    I eventually learned to accept this and regained some semblance of a normal life, still struggling with anxiety, still whacking to porn regularly, never connecting the two.

    I joined the Marine Corps right after high school and had no discernible issues with anxiety, VS, or DP,DR (not saying they weren’t present but they were not limiting in the way they are now) through boot camp or really at all for my 5 year enlistment (I think most of this can be attributed to culture shock and the new experience as well as pretty consistently rigorous physical training and constant preoccupation). However, during this time I was PMing more than I ever had in my life. Consistently. More than likely as a way of coping with high amounts of stress. It was very commonplace in those environments and even discussed like it was completely healthy between all of us; we would frequently trade porn on our hard drives for novelty while deployed. These PM habits carried on after my short military career into life afterwards.

    The demise of my first long-term relationship was, without doubt, caused by this addiction. The problem I believe was that I did not even think I had a problem. About a year into our relationship I didn’t even want to have sex with my then girlfriend. I would just rather PM and fall asleep, not have to perform or even care that she probably felt worthless because it was apparent I didn’t want to have sex ever. So eventually that relationship ended without ever addressing the source of the problem.

    Earlier this year I suffered the worst migraine I’ve ever experienced. So bad that I was forced to quit my job because the ensuing anxiety was too crippling to continue my life without some type of intervention. All the feelings of DP,DR and anxiety that I felt for the first time at 15 yrs old rose to the surface once again and were in full force. Its important to note that leading up to this I did not live the healthiest lifestyle: I drank a lot, smoked cigarettes, occasionally chewed tobacco, over ate, and, of course, used P to M regularly. I immediately gave up all forms of nicotine and alcohol, and even stopped drinking coffee to reduce anxiety. I did feel better, but not as good as I expected to feel after using these consistently for 10 years. Eventually I realized that the last vice I had left was PMing and that it was worth quitting to potentially alleviate these symptoms that were beginning to manifest again. And also to save my current relationship with a woman whom I truly love; She is a beautiful person and everything I could ever ask for in a loyal and supportive partner, yet I struggle to be intimate with her and I know it’s because of my addiction to PM.

    To summarize my symptoms since quitting 2 weeks ago, I would have to put anxiety and panic at the top of the list. I have brief moments of panic for seemingly no reason 3-5 times a day. I’m getting much better at dealing with them, especially with utilizing different breathing techniques and quickly shifting my focus to something productive like walking or riding my bike. Mild headache every few days. Irritability like never before, comes and goes. I've noticed that for a long time it's been a struggle for me to maintain eye contact with someone when I'm speaking to them, male or female. I had a severe migraine 3 days ago which has put me on my ass since. I just have a slight and constant dizziness feeling in my head and an inability to focus my eyes properly, which seems abnormal but a lot is obviously going on with my body and I’m sure it’s just withdrawal-related or just postdrome from the migraine (it was a pretty severe migraine, even had tingling in my tongue, face, and hands for the first time. But I believe it to be brought on by the smell of bondo that I was working with at the time. Powerful stuff). Strangely enough I have no desire to even look at P or M at all which makes me think the worst is yet to come as far as withdrawals are concerned. Again, I am having sex once a week so that’s helping me stay a little numbed as opposed to complete withdrawal. Most of the anxiety, I feel, stems from the worry that I may have another migraine as I’ve been prone to them my whole life. Whether or not this is directly related to PM abuse, I really don’t know because I’ve never approached it with the enlightenment that I have now. Time will certainly tell.

    All I can say for sure is that deep down, I feel pride in making the commitment to stopping PM for good and I hope to get through the withdrawals and experience relief from all the aforementioned ailments. I would like to encourage any of you that have a significant other and are going through this to keep them up to date about everything. I told mine this morning and it's an incredible weight lifted off of me, and it's one more person in your corner. I appreciate the existence of this forum because it’s been incredibly helpful so far. The last 2 weeks have been the longest of my adult life and I’m not just saying that. This is a terrible thing to go through but we will all be better and stronger men for having pushed through. Thank you to anyone who contributes to this forum. I am open to answer any and all questions anyone might have. Stay strong, my friends.
  2. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

    Please, start studying carefully what's happening in your mind >

    First time without porn will be stressful , but if you resist , in some months you will feel reborn.

    If the first times a person relapse easly, it's okay.
    The streaks becomes even longer , day by day.
    Don't porn anymore, it's better to struggle and at the last to relapse than to look at porn.
    No more instagram pictures of models. No more erotic imagines , erotic stories or erotic asmr.
    If you experience ''flatline'' and low libido , resist.

    An effective weapon to overcome urges and thoughts : mindfulness.
    The brain will try to win you and to get some triggers for the seek of dopamine. Resist

    - - - -
    Hi man , you're doing very well
    It's a good frequency , so you told her about your decision to quit this addiction. Wise decision.
    If you experience flatline i recomende you to valute to not force you to have sex , flatline speeds the reboot ,
    so if you feel it , just take a pause
    | Nico |, One Eyed Owl and Shagwagon like this.
  3. Shagwagon

    Shagwagon New Fapstronaut

    Thanks, dude. I will keep that in mind. We came to the conclusion of once a week kind of arbitrarily and I know if I discussed refraining from sex altogether she'd be for it if it meant helping me.
    | Nico | and palindromo like this.
  4. Welcome to NoFap!!!
    Shagwagon and | Nico | like this.
  5. Hi and welcome to the community :) wish you all the best on your journey, if you have any questions or concerns please dont hesitate to ask. Take care
    One Eyed Owl and Shagwagon like this.
  6. What were the migraines like my friend and how long did they last?
  7. Shagwagon

    Shagwagon New Fapstronaut

    They have always been onset by aura, starting very small but eventually encapsulating almost my entire field of vision. This would last about 15-30 min and then the pain would begin to set in; sometimes behind the eyes but mostly on the top or back of my head, and I would feel nauseous and super anxious, often would have DP/DR because I felt as if I lost the sensation of my physical body. During a couple of the worst ones I had tingling and numbness in my hands, parts of my face, and even my tongue. Eventually the aura dies down but the pain lingers for at least the rest of the day and then I feel almost hungover for a couple days afterwards. When the migraines were very frequent I used to take excedrin and it would help dramatically. The only issue with that is that I was taking them like every other day and I cant imagine the strain I was putting on my liver. I was put on propranolol when I first began getting treated but I didnt like the side effects and decided lifestyle changes were a better long-term strategy to combat the migrain . Hope this helps. Any other questions feel free to ask
    Deleted Account likes this.

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