Anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by bobjames127, Sep 14, 2019.

  1. bobjames127

    bobjames127 Fapstronaut

    31
    53
    18
    Hey this post will illustrate what I've gone through and provide some insight into what I've noticed about Nofap.


    Started watching porn age 12-13, grew up alongside high-speed internet. My parents had money so we had a computer early on. I used to alternate between gaming late at night and then watching porn. Probably watching porn at most once every day, sometimes 3 times a day, for a duration of 10 years. After meeting my first love, my body experienced intimate sex. This kept me off porn for some time. However, I became addicted to marijuana as a way of keeping me docile and "in love." Clearly, the effects from porn made it difficult for me to settle down, and the chaser effect made me want more than my lover. When things got bad, I was watching porn while high on marijuana. I feel that this extreme release of pleasure (dopamine) really worsened the pleasure driven circuits in my brain.


    After this relationship ended, I began NoFap 5-6 years ago. I can hardly remember the first few attempts, and what they felt like. I know that I have done numerous 2 week stints, a few 1 month stints, a 3 month stint and a 6 month one. I've probably watched porn no more than 20 times the last five years. I had a few breakdowns here and there, usually related to alcohol or marijuana use.


    Insight 1*

    Not many men have talked about this. I feel that a problem I encounter is once I reach 2-6 weeks and the flatline ends, my testosterone is so high I usually meet a girl. I know most men celebrate at this point. You know sex etc... However, the pattern that I've fallen in is either I think I'm in love, or I engage in sex feeling like, if intimate, it will be healing. In both circumstances, porn derived fantasies and styles of sex seem to reignite the porn or addiction brain circuitry. And in the end, the relationships end very badly. Typically, the chaser effect kicks in and I can't over power it. Or, I just become bored of the partner. Both cases are tragic and heartbreaking. So, what I assume is that many of us need 1-3 years for a true recovery. And we must be gentle to ourselves. Honestly, I’ve been in and out of relationships and again and again porn-based fantasies creep in. Also, think about the girl? Seriously, think about the other person. You are literally dragging someone into an addiction based relationship that you may or may not be over yet. What I’m trying to say, is that just because you fix PIED, or can get hard again, don’t believe that you can easily just go on dating again: PMO-based brain patterns will reappear. I believe that we have to be careful when introducing new partners into our lives.


    Insight 2*

    I’m not sure how other guys feel, but I can sincerely link PMO addiction as the basis of all other addictions in my life. This includes a 2-3 year marijuana addiction and then an on and off relationship with alcohol. More importantly, there is a correlation between decision making and PMO. Now, this is all fine. But, what I want to warn men about is that if you’ve gone through withdrawals from other substances, be very prepared when going through nofap withdrawals. My belief, is that the same parts of the brain that were dragged through the mud during other-substance withdrawals are again dragged through the mud. This was fine the first few times I quit PMO; the anxiety was manageable. However, this time, coming out of a very addictive, porn-like, co-dependent relationship, my withdrawals have come close to mental illness. I want to scare other men here. Because truly this has been absolutely unbearable: from intense running thoughts, intrusive thoughts, horrible anxiety, sleeplessness, and the development, or unveiling, of phobias. What I’m trying to say, is be kind to your brain here. PMO obviously created the foundation for a lot of other issues in my life. Living for pleasure leads you down many paths, and you always think “hey I can get out of this no problem.” It’s only recently that I’ve understood sometimes the brain just doesn’t bounce back like it always does. Anyways, I write this for those going through absolute hell, who probably suffered similar addictions as I and probably abused PMO just as much, if not more than I. Remember, this is a fist fight with your mind and body. And only the body can rearrange the mind. So as many have said, get out, go do something, and don’t give up on yourself ever.


    “Embrace today, because you are better”

    “And still, you persevere.”
     
  2. Chappie77

    Chappie77 Fapstronaut

    74
    80
    18
    It's been interesting for me to read about many posters able to hold down a marriage despite having PIED.
    I was always frustrated during sex and placed high emphasis on needing to cum.
    I either told myself that I wasn't thrusting fast enough or the woman was too loose or it was her that was being a plank, uninterested or even a turnoff.
    I could never love honestly, my sexual gratification was more important than true love.
    I'm now doubting my ability to form true lasting relationships.
    I know that I have felt love before, but I'm doubting myself.
     
  3. Yellowknife

    Yellowknife Fapstronaut

    Have a look at my new thread. I'm doing exactly what I think you need to do.

    I couldn't imagine doing this while still smoking pot. I'm trying to totally reboot my entire dopamine system and that's meant excising every bad habit related to sex or consumption. It's been... interesting. I've done it in stages though, PMO is the last one.
     
    AspiringVitality likes this.
  4. Skielr

    Skielr Fapstronaut

    81
    208
    33
    I can relate to that PMO addiction was the main problem in my mind and it gave start to every other addiction in my life. When I think about last part of your post-it truly is a fist fight with both mind and body. I always had hard times during hangovers and right now, after over a year without PMO, I feel like Im going through 'pmo addiction hangover'. I couldnt handle my thoughts recently and I had really weak immune system. I was almost mentally broken at some point, but when I realised it could be all about PMO recovery -it was like a light in the dark.Right now Im trying to see that as a final fight with my addiction. There is a lot of ups and downs, but I hope I will get back to normal soon.
     
    Deleted Account and Jonny1992 like this.
  5. bobjames127

    bobjames127 Fapstronaut

    31
    53
    18
    Darn after 365 days your still feeling the ups and downs. I hope they level out for you and me. Keep fighting!
     
    Skielr and Deleted Account like this.
  6. Wow. So true. Truly inspiring.
     
  7. This sounds scary.
     
  8. Skielr

    Skielr Fapstronaut

    81
    208
    33
    In fact I didnt feel that before and my reboot was going suprisingly easy. I just had to fight off some urges. After years of being addicted maybe its hitting me after a whole(not completely clear) year of abstinence
     
  9. bobjames127

    bobjames127 Fapstronaut

    31
    53
    18
    Yeah, it's been weird for me. I did numerous 3 week streaks and a one month one. Similar to you, I only had to fend off urges with occasional restlessness. So whatever is going on now, waking up with anxiety, is truly bothersome. I'm working through it but have never had this worse of anxiety in my life. It's honestly making me doubt whether the NOFAP processes is right for everyone, or in its self healthy. I've read a lot of studies here and there. I certainly believe in PIED, etc. However, I wonder if NOFAP for some people is too extreme of a change, and if whether the process should be broken down into quitting porn first then masturbation. At this point, I'm too nervous to fap, as I'm nervous it will make my anxiety even worse. So, I'm just sort of riding things out until I get some help from a psychiatrist/counselor.
     
    Skielr likes this.
  10. Skielr

    Skielr Fapstronaut

    81
    208
    33
    Its so good to actually find someone who can relate to my situation. Despite bad times I still believe that there is a happy end in this journey. I can feel something changing in my head recently but I cant see it clearly yet because of all this stress that my body and mind receive. I think I got some kind of panic/anxiety attack today at work, but it made me realise how much pointless stress im putting on myself by the way I see things, and how much I sometimes overthink.
    Now I will focus on changing some of that bad habits and we will see what happens. I hope you will improve too. Are you into meditation? It really helps a lot
     

Share This Page