Checking in - DAMN. Another day with a lot of struggles with urges. I've tried to really be aware of where my thoughts are at today - and I think I came up with a couple of realizations: 1) Often when I get to around the 30+ day mark in the past, which has been fairly rare, I reach a breaking point. Urges start to overwhelm me to the point that I can't seem to think about anything else. My dick often will almost feel throbby - like it is craving PMO. It fucking sucks so bad. I don't know how else to put it. It seems to be almost all I can think about - people talk about urges going away - but these seem like they are harder for some reason to escape. However, I want to make it this time. 2) The urges seem to originate from a need to find relief from these feelings - not even necessarily to look at P. Its like I feel miserable as a person in these moments - almost like bodily - there seems to be very real pain. But from what - I'm not sure - but its like my body and mind are going into depression in a way. In these moments, which I felt a lot of today - I just wanted to be set free from it - and it seemed that the only way was to do PMO. I didn't give in, but this is hard. Right now, all our kids are home - I have no time to get anything done - and I'm trying to maintain my sanity (with my wife by my side) as we try to maintain order while total chaos seems around the corner at every moment. Making food for kids, now trying to homeschool them - and just generally trying survive the chaos. At times, I've found enjoyment. At other times, I feel miserable and helpless. Well, there it is. I'm pretty raw right now - I hope you guys are keeping up the good fight.