Any bits of adive on how can I overcome this?

I had another anxiety attack today and I think I took a decision. I cried for some time and I think this torture got all from me. I cried a lot in the last 6 months because I just can't take it any longer.

I will try to go for 100 days, hard mode till the end of December. If I can't I'll just end my life. I live in a constant torture for the last 6 months and I'm close to the end of my powers. I'm confused about my sexuality because of what I feel in this moment and because of what types of porn I have watched. I just can't accept this person that I have become in only 1 year. From someone who would be disgusted by a man's face in porn to actually masturbate to gay, trans, gore, animal and other types of f****d up porn is too much for me to accept at this point.

If NoFap doesn't work, I'm done with all. I can't take it for my longer. My head feels like it will explode.

 

Well, that's the thing, it's not fleeting. I feel like this since January and it's like a living nightmare. I self-examined a lot in the past months and it goes like this: I see a thing in me that is making me feel good about myself, that I didn't change, porn did, and I'm still the same straight, loving women and quite a shy guy that I used to be till now... And then the doubt came into my mind: What if I lie? What if I l am bisexual or even gay and I lied to myself all those years? There's a reason that I watched those types of porn, no? What if my attraction to women was fake all along? Why do sometimes I feel the urge to pursue what I saw in porn in real life? Why do I have this constant fear of being gay...a confident straight person wouldn't have this, right?

I thought about this every day, for 6 damn months and I can't really stand up anymore. I know that I'm attracted to women and I wouldn't EVER do something with a man in reality...but this f***ing doubt and overthinking combined with paranoia it makes my life a hell. I have had OCD since I was a kid. The subject of my overthinking changed from time to time and sometimes I would have a period of time (months or even a year) without any subject to overanalyze.

But this is the worst period of my life.

 

I didn't felt so low in my entire life. At this point, I start to think that if I accept that I'm bisexual, this torture will stop once and for all, but I know it will not. These urges and thoughts are the most uncomfortable things that I ever experienced. It's like someone is forcing them into my head. How in the hell did I got here, at this point?

I just can't live my life as a bisexual, it's not what I want, what I felt/feel or I'm into. It's completly unreal. This doubt is the worst...how in the hell 6 months ago I was confident in my sexuality (even with porn) and now I'm in this position?

...

 

Thanks! I'll try this for a month or so to see how I feel. Also, I'll try NoFap for 90 days (till 24/25 of December), but one thing that I need to do in correlation with this is losing weight. I'm well overweight and I think this is another factor of the depressive state that I'm in right now. I gained a lot of weight in the last year or so. I think it's essential to do some cardio and sport overall to raise my morale a little bit.
A funny thing about losing weight, last summer I tried to lose weight (and I did for some time) and I watched a lot, I mean a lot of videos on Youtube about this topic. I saw a lot of shredded dudes in those videos and for one moment I didn't felt an attraction or anxiety...weird right. The only thing that I had in mind was: How would it be if I had that type of body? How do I get at this level? ...and so on. And now I can't even watch one of those clips without overthinking and feel anxiety overall. How stupid it is.


Well, yeah, I hate these mood swings and I'm very afraid one day one will push me to the limit. Tomorrow I'll start all again, but with some cardio in plus. Today I watched again a lot of porn, some weird ones/others quite normal, but I starting to get so annoyed after I finish. This has been my life for 10 years and got very bad in the last 1.5 years...I'm tired of it...and this confusion it is the ,,drop that filled the glass''. I'll try to change it.

 

Well, I'll be very happy to hear your thoughts on this. Every little piece of advice is beneficial in this situation that I'm in. I'm tired of all the ,,good advices'' from Quora and Reddit.

 

Thanks for your response! It really gave me some very good steps to look for. Well, I don't try to be perfect at all. I know I'm not and I'll never be. There is nothing in this world that is ,,perfect''. I heard one time a thing from Jordan Peterson: ,,If you are perfect there's no room for improvement and improvement is what drives our lives and the will to become better.'' I really liked that quote and I understand it. I want to lose weight more of health purposes and I have an eating disorder. I eat when I'm happy, sad, anxious and frustrated. Just like with porn. I want to start with both because doing some cardio or every kind of sport will help me to keep my mind away from these problems at some level.

I 100% agree with all you said about NoFap and the proportion of days. It's cringe when you see people thinking that abstaining from PMO will solve all their problems or turn them in Bill Gates or Brad Pitt... The only thing that I want is to feel like I used to, to not overthink things like my sexuality or morals, to not feel the urge to do things that are driven by lust and not pure pleasure that after I have done them to feel destroyed, to not use porn and masturbation daily as I did in the last 10 years. I hate my tastes in porn that I develop in the last 1.5 years. I feel the urge to watch them, but at the same time, I feel a disgust in my stomach and mind. It's because a part of my old self is still alive and I know this is wrong. Many people will say that I discovered something new about myself or this is who I am, but those things don't resonate with me at all. Yeah, I watched them, but I watched worst stuff, things that even the kinkiest people will find disgusting, but at that time I found them arousing. I didn't care what I have on my screen, I wanted to feel good, to feel a big hit of dopamine. After I would finish...you know what happened. My mind would think logically again and the anxiety began. I will change, because I don't want to live my life like this, in this way.

I mean, I don't think masturbation is a bad thing, but when you overdo it in combination with heavy use of porn it will have negative effects. Even if I get over this I will still masturbate, but not at this rate (every day), maybe once at 2 weeks or so. And with porn, well, I'll watch some softcore stuff or pictures with girls. I just don't want to watch and feel the urge with hardcore and very weird porn. I'll never watch these kinds of porn in my entire life. I had enough of them already.

 

That's the thing...I don't really like those stuff. It's different from the ,,normal'' ones that I watched over the years. I mean, I had this part for a long time, it just escalated in the last years into things that made me anxious, depressed and confused. Think about that when I escalated into things like hardcore, incest etc...I didn't care. Why? Because I knew I would ,,overall like'' these stuff as a roleplay in real life. But when I got into things like gay/sissy/trans/gore etc...well, something changed. These things got against my identity, my personality, my morals and it destroyed all my confidence and mental health. I know if I can forgive myself and say: It's just porn, you didn't do anything in reality and the fact that you feel bad and anxious about them is a sign that this is not you. It's just the fact that you got too far in the land of lust and pleasure.

 

Oh yeah, I started to listen to your podcast with Kaylee on Spotify. I like things about the human mind and overall psychological subjects even though I'm not very ,,educated'' on that part. I'm a Geography student so... I started to be more interested in those things because of Jordan Peterson's podcast.

 

I think I understand it. All of us need to love ourselves, with bad or good sides this is who are we. If we start to hate a part of us, all systems of our mind will malfunction. The fact is that I fear that if I try to accept that I like those types of porn I will become gay and I will lose all my attraction to women. In the last months, I feel like my overall attraction to women dropped. This gave me more anxiety, doubt and overthinking. I started to feel urges to be dominated like in porn and I freaked out. When these thoughts come into my mind I feel a mixture of shame, anxiety, guilt, depression and disgust. Because of this, I feel like I will lose my mind, I fear that I will become something that I don't want to or I'm already that and I deny it. It's a total mess and 6 months ago I wouldn't have any of this. It's crazy overall.

Yes, not a small, a big part of me wants love. I want to feel the love of a woman and to feel my love for her. I always thought that I'm not made for having relationships or I'm not good enough for a girl, but at the age of 18 I started to feel a loneliness in my heart. When I saw my friends with girlfriends, I felt extremely jealous. Now, I'm afraid that I'm gay and all my attraction towards women was fake, just because of porn. I try to push myself out of this and get into the real world; to get a job and start socializing more with women. But this fear and doubt keep me in one place.

 

So yeah, I was right about my OCD. Recently I was diagnosed with a pretty moderate case of tinnitus. Well, my OCD started to concentrate on that on this and guess what. My thoughts about my confusion about sexuality were diminished by 80%. I felt normal, even though I still watch porn.

Now I'm obsessed and paranoid about my tinnitus. Let the hell begin.