Any Fellow Lonely Feeling Married Dudes?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Lot Yanisin, May 22, 2019.

  1. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

    A bit ironic (perhaps) to say being that I'm on NoFap (please don't take that as an insult, I respect you all for coming forward to better yourselves)....

    I've made some big strides in personal development... it all kicked off with attending Landmark Forum back in December 2014.... it turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done...

    But.... since then... I've noticed that my consciousness...awareness...and all those wonderful words has taken off.... meanwhile the misses is.....well.... she's.... there.

    No 'gusto' to do epic sh*t.... no natural inclination or drive to create a higher self... nothing... and ummm.... it's pretty lonely.

    I don't have a desire to hand-hold.... it's something where all I can do is put a few nuggets here and there... the adage says... you can show the horse the lake..but it has to drink the water itself...

    But anyhow... holy crap is it lonely on an emotional level...

    It feels like that I'm on a different plane all together... speak a different language... I can't tell you how often I feel despair when I get "deep".... existential... perhaps nihilistic to a degree.... and the response is the equivalent of the RCA puppy dog tilting its head. And I just do a facepalm (pick whatever GIF... the Jean Luc Picard one...the Ryan Gosling one... the Dos Equis guy... they all work)

    Lot is a different Lot than what he was in 2014... Mrs. Lot is....whelp.
    I think you southern NoFap members would say "bless her heart", right?

    Maybe XXX has made me feel at least *something* to fill the void. Any other fellow lonely men who are lonely despite taking their vows and sought XXX as a mistress?
    need4realchg and Deleted Account like this.
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Have you talked to her about this? Perhaps your porn use has made it difficult for her to trust you and journey with you?

    (N.B. I don't know if this thread would play better in the Rebooting in a Relationship section. If you haven't got much of a discussion going after a few days let me, another Moderator Assistant, or a moderator know and we could move this thread there.)
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
  3. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

    She's unaware of it.
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I would recommend talking to her, even if it is difficult (especially if it is difficult!) Such conversations are hard but the resulting intimacy will really strengthen your relationship. You have to listen though, really listen: attentively and without getting defensive. In my experience the self-awareness we develop through our struggle with our porn addiction helps us listen without being defensive. Good luck.
  5. I've never been married but I've experienced what you have on a different level. I've also heard many other people say that when they faced demons or went through periods of self improvement, it put them at odds with people they were close with for various reasons. It can change the dynamic of the relationship.
    -Sometimes you no longer have anything in common
    -Sometimes they may be uncomfortable, jealous or even feel threatened with your new found confidence
    - When you habits and focus change the soon your interest start to change and the qualities that you liked the most in that person may no longer be important

    Once that change becomes apparent both of you feel it which makes things more akward and makes you guys feel even more disconnected.
  6. Origin32

    Origin32 Fapstronaut

    This happened to me when I was at the end of my long term relationship with my ex in my mid 20's. College changed me a lot - I found myself reading a lot more. Academic subjects were really taking my interest, and I became more isolated, because television and the party life wasn't fulfilling to me anymore.

    My ex began to find me extremely boring, and left me for a dude who was able to entertain her more. I haven't been in a relationship since. Your story does help me out with my pervasive feelings of loneliness. I have this irrational belief that a romantic relationship with a woman will somehow solve my problems, and your testament clearly shows that isn't the case.

    Spiritually, you're on a different level. You're trying to transcend, and your wife wants to remain more grounded where she is. You are changing, so it is almost like she is married to a whole other person now.
    need4realchg and Lot Yanisin like this.
  7. Mr. McMarty

    Mr. McMarty Fapstronaut

    I have a great 15 year marriage. I try to respect my wife in every way. Being polite and kind in the little things like saying please and thank you make all the difference in the big things. My wife is completely different than I am she's not interested in the same things, she doesn't think the way that I do sometimes I feel that she's holding me back. But the truth is she keeps me from self-destruction. I recommend holding onto marriage and never even consider anything else.
    need4realchg likes this.
  8. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    The most important thing in life is happyness. If you self-improve but feel disconnected with your wife, are you happy? If you stop NoFap but feel better with your wife, are you happy? You could just try to find a middle ground.
  9. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

  10. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

    Not to throw shade at a person I don't know.... but she was just going to hold you back by the sound of it.
    I suppose that's a glass half full way for me to see this..... that it at least helps another out.

    Romantic relationships solve JACK SQUAT.

    Kinda reminds me of when Adam Sandler recently hosted SNL. There was this Italian vacation package infomercial bit. Classic. Without spoiling it too much.... if you were a boring no-fun a-hole in New Jersey.... you'll still be the same boring no-fun a-hole in Sicily... don't buy and then wonder why you're the same a-hole only to leave a bad review thinking it was the vacation company's fault.

    The same thing with relationships. If you're a loose canon of a temper guy with a history of violence... she's NOT your special butterfly that will change you.... you're gonna give her a black eye at some point because you're still the same loos canon temper guy with a history of violence that also has a fap problem. LOL (at domestic violence? really, Lot? LOL? Oh well.)

    But yeah... I'm changing... I have this thirst for deeper thought and quenchless search for meaning.
    As for her? Well.... thumbing through Instagram... having food in her belly... shopping errands ...and the occasional dining out... she's happy with life. Simplicity is fine. No issues with not needing lots of things. But.... the lack of substance?

    ooofah. That hurts.

    She honest to God has said it's not something that really attracts her much or stops her in her tracks.
    I can suggest a Tony Robbins event... "yeah...I guess I'd go. Oh, but the kids. It's ok. You can go."
    She says it in a very shoulder shrug "meh, whaddayagonnado?" type way that's indifferent.... and it just bugs me to no end.

    She's happy rooting for me as a cheerleader... she's just not interested in playing ball in the court of life. Make sense?
  11. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

    You know what she said to me about a week and a half ago or two?

    She said that in another life----assuming we're not trying to go with "old school" principles when it comes to divorce/marriage....

    she said she'd let me go.

    Just like that. That she knows I'm not fully happy... and that she'd let me go as to not hold me back...and that she's a hindrance to that... and says the kids are too....

    It hurt because...
    for one... It never crossed my mind to say something ever like that..
    second... I wondered if she was putting words in my mouth to disguise how she actually felt (why she would I have NO friggin' idea)

    and third.... because deep down I know there's *some* truth to it. Not 100%...Not 80%... but some to the point where it's confessable (I know that's not a word)

    I mean... if that's how she feels as far as holding on to me... even if it's in a parallel universe....... I mean... Jesus.
    Mr. McMarty likes this.
  12. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    @Lot Yanisin i loved the snl skit lol.

    And I have a little background to landmark. A good friend is very much into it now and it’s my opinion independent of the program that he’s a completely different person. I don’t have a way to intersect with him anymore. Sorry to hear your challenging your beliefs. Eventually your fear will run out and you will go down the path you already know you are second guessing. When you get there you need to know what you want. Because whatever you want, you’ll get.
  13. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    @Lot Yanisin, I don't know your age/stage in life, but I hear you have kids.

    First of all, I gather you have been quite emotionally unavailable in the relationship and she's also staying mostly for the kids. They can read your attitudes and will interpret them as "normal", then they'll go on in their life and will probably fall into relationships similar to yours; they don't know different.

    Second, coming back to the missus, it is likely that some time ago you two found something in each other. The relationship may have been based on some faulty beliefs at that time, but hey you probably liked each other. Maybe the two of you grown apart, went separate ways yet in the same relationship. Probably taking the time to rediscover each other would rekindle whatever spark there was between you and her. You may have to learn to be very good friends with each other, share fears, past mistakes, emotions and feelings and build on from there.

    In many cases, long term relationships are not founded on sex or physical attraction. Sex is important, but two people don't stay together for sex, they stay together for the mutual friendship.
  14. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

    You're right. I'm not all there. I've used direct words with her that I want to be. Unrelated (possibly) side note...
    I really really hate seeing married couples smitten with each other. No, not gropey tongue slobbering teenage "smitten".... like... real grown ups. (eww, grown ups)

    Yeah, there's truth to this.

    Definitely. In the trifecta (emotional, spiritual, physical)... Pre NoFap life felt like it was there to fill in some kind of void.... void of excitement, passion, curiosity....

    But I'm not who I was several years back. I feel like she's definitely more tranquil...but nothing jaw dropping or that'd make me do a double take as far as personal development goes.

    We've spoke about sparks and rekindling... comes back to "who stays with the kids?"... her folks are out of the country... mine are weak/elderly... no siblings that are local... she has one sibling with a girlfriend and son from her brother... but I don't think she can handle that for several days....

    then we get back to square one... I totally missed out on forming a marital connection... not even 90 days into marriage go by and "(insert sobbing leaving a doctor's appointment outside)... I'm pregnant"....

    one of the absolute most sad and devastating days of my life... gotta be top 3 thus far. yeah....i know..."you can't say that... you're a dad".... pffffft, ok.

    More and more I'll say things like "I just want your attention..." or "sit here with me"... to get that in peace.... wow-wow-wow...that takes effort...especially since having a second.

    I agree. However, I don't just want a friend... I want someone that makes me proud to say "that's MY wife."
    Social media doesn't tell the whole truth.... but hot damn does it spark a little envy that I have to recognize and squash when I see a guy (as the kids say) "crushing it" .... in personal/professional life... AND the wife is as well.... AND she's a foxxx.

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