Any guys who got into the dating game when they were over 21?

GoldenFighter

GoldenFighter

Fapstronaut
Due to many deep personal issues, I refrained from dating for all of my teens and honestly regret it a little but not in a major way. Like a slow poison of sorts working its way and festering in my mind to the point where I feel I can't ignore it anymore.

I will be 22 in a few months, when I'm 22 I actually want to go on a date. The biggest reason is that I don't want to say " when I get my life in order" - while I fundamentally believe that getting your life in order is key for a long term relationship I have slowly come to realize that my life is never going to be in order for a very long time.

I always imagined naively that I would start dating when I've settled into a real career and things resemble some sort of normalcy. I realize my life is so f**ked up this will never quite happen. I've been self improving for many many years and it's been a slow & steady curve that goes sideways on occasions.

I don't want to be 25 year old me still saying- "when my life get's better" , because 25 year old me will regret as to why 22 year old didn't start and then the mountain becomes even bigger in my head.

I know that whatever fear I have is irrational, girls are not THAT big of a deal. They can be people with arguably even more flaws and insecurities than me and tbh most of them are kinda overrated/basic where I live in North America especially.

I want to focus in the real world and ask someone out but even the thought of that makes me tense, I don't wanna "whore myself out" on online apps because quite frankly that's a rigged game where if you aren't 6'4 well dressed businessman/athlete then you're below their "standards" and I think most sane men know it. But at the same time I can't deny the utility that if I hit off a conversation I can literally be going on a date by tonight IF It all pans out. (Forgive my cynicism, when you've gone this long- you become a little jaded at times)

Then there's the height insecurity & self esteem at the root of it. I'm only 5'8/5'9 (without shoes though) and when I'm competing against 6ft dudes it kinda makes me feel: why bother? Self esteem is a whole can of worms and I'm not even gonna dive into that one here. But I'm fit and very proud of the work I've put into my body so I guess I have that.

Are there any guys who went on their first date way later than normal? Any tips or content that helped you out? Any books or forums? Any mindsets you adopted?

Unrelated self help note:

Day#5 complete(in 2 hours)

I focused on work, cut back on distractions, and am building a little bit of momentum again but I can't stop here- I have to make more meaningful change. I have to acknowledge what's wrong with my life and what I can do about. Most importantly I have to be focused and consistent- let's get it!

This post will go into my journal log since I don't have time to write twice today.
 
Dude I started late in the dating game, I lost my virginity at the age of 24. I experimented with online dating, I was going to the gym and was doing pretty well money-wise. Everything was going well except, the girlfriend part. So i started messing with online dating apps, got the hang out of it with the help of other guys who helped me with my "game". I eventually lost my v-card to a girl I don't even remember her name. At the time I was just extremely happy that I found someone who wanted me sexually lol. I eventually hooked up with 2 other girls, one later being my girlfriend.

Fast forward a year and I learned many, many things when it comes to courting women, first dates, sex and actually loving someone else. Live and learn bro.
 
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I was a late bloomer. I didn't break out of my shell of extreme shyness til I turned 23 and the pain of being on the sidelines was too great for me to bare.
 
Thanks man. Now your money game was pretty stable- I'm not gonna lie to you: Mine is up in the air pretty hard and I want to date and stuff but I feel like it would be a frivolous waste of time.

But I also don't want life to pass before my eyes waiting for the money...
Should I prioritize income and wait a bit or see what "low hanging fruit" I can get at my current level.

It's a shitty thought process but I can't seem to escape it.
@Capt. U
 
GoldenFighter said:
Thanks man. Now your money game was pretty stable- I'm not gonna lie to you: Mine is up in the air pretty hard and I want to date and stuff but I feel like it would be a frivolous waste of time.

But I also don't want life to pass before my eyes waiting for the money...
Should I prioritize income and wait a bit or see what "low hanging fruit" I can get at my current level.

It's a shitty thought process but I can't seem to escape it.
@Capt. U
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To be real with you man, my 2018's new years resolution was simple: To Get Laid. At that point in my life it felt like it was the hardest thing to do and I'm glad I meet my goals. I'm not too proud of how it was accomplished but for me personally it took a huge weight of my chest.
 
Capt. U said:
To be real with you man, my 2018's new years resolution was simple: To Get Laid. At that point in my life it felt like it was the hardest thing to do and I'm glad I meet my goals. I'm not too proud of how it was accomplished but for me personally it took a huge weight of my chest.
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Yeah that's what I want also- to get that weight lifted and off my head. So it becomes a small piece of my life that I entertain or reward myself with(not looking for anything serious at this age) and move on.
 
@Capt. U and @GoldenFighter Why is it important that you guys got/want to get laid as soon as possible? Don't you want to wait/should've waited until the right person came along?
 
Lost my virginity at 20, then had many relationships and sex and have over 30 partners. It's never too late to start and no one cares or is judging you. If they do then it's a good sign that is not someone you want in your life.

One thought that really helped me was seeing sex and dating as a video game. Let's say I really want to play Red Dead Redemption and be really good at it....well there's NO way I'm going to be good right away. I have to try, fail a few times, lose some levels and restart. But once I am good I never lose the skill and it becomes. natural.

Women and sex and dating are the same thing. You try, you fail, you learn and you grow. Eventually it becomes as easy as playing a video game or shooting a basketball. You just have to start.
 
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Newlife33 said:
Lost my virginity at 20, then had many relationships and sex and have over 30 partners. It's never too late to start and no one cares or is judging you. If they do then it's a good sign that is not someone you want in your life.
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30 partners? Do you have any regrets about losing your virginity at such a young age or no?
 
aspiringwriter1997 said:
@Capt. U and @GoldenFighter Why is it important that you guys got/want to get laid as soon as possible? Don't you want to wait/should've waited until the right person came along?
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*I know I said getting laid, but it was really about the dating process in general- what I type below is a rationale I use to move in the direction of taking action*

While it's a nice thought, I dont believe that there is ONE particular person I should be waiting for. To be honest, it's always been an excuse in my younger days and I kind of smile when I run into other people with that thought process because it reminds me of myself sometimes.

First of all, waiting for the right person to come along- what does that even mean to you exactly? Like you order an Uber and your Uber driver turns out to be the love of your life? If it's one thing I've learned about life, waiting for anything is an excuse to do nothing. Maybe if you are somewhat wealthy or well known then perhaps women will come knocking down your door but the cold hard truth in most cases- she will NOT ask you out EVEN if she likes you. I'm sure you know what I mean- she looks at you down the hall or shows signs of interest. Those signs lower the risk of rejection but you will likely always have to be the one to take that risk. So waiting for the right person like she's going to be in a group project/coworker is just shifting the responsibility from yourself into the hands of fate and that's never a wise move- fortune favors the bold in my experience.

Second of all, just a thought exercise for you. I want you to picture this amazing match of yours in the future- think of all the amazing qualities so to speak that this person possesses and you were so lucky and you got to meet & run into them...then what? Do you honestly believe that you will have the confidence out of thin air to ask them out or will you make up a different rationalization to why you shouldn't do it? It's not really about getting laid for me, it's about getting into the game in the first place. Dating is a skill like anything else and must be honed and practice to make it further into a relationship.

Third of all, this amazing person who likely has intense, diverse experiences and is a person desired by males (i.e. hot )- can I really walk in with little to no experience and wow them off their feet? Likely not- anything else would be wishful thinking. If on the off the chance I got to be with such a person, the odds are even lower that I can KEEP such a person. She would likely get bored and leave after a while anyway.

So get experience, whatever experience you can build. Because in the long run, all the failures that came before you meet a great lady are what teaches you what to do and what not to do when the time actually comes & when it matters.
 
Newlife33 said:
Lost my virginity at 20, then had many relationships and sex and have over 30 partners. It's never too late to start and no one cares or is judging you. If they do then it's a good sign that is not someone you want in your life.

One thought that really helped me was seeing sex and dating as a video game. Let's say I really want to play Red Dead Redemption and be really good at it....well there's NO way I'm going to be good right away. I have to try, fail a few times, lose some levels and restart. But once I am good I never lose the skill and it becomes. natural.

Women and sex and dating are the same thing. You try, you fail, you learn and you grow. Eventually it becomes as easy as playing a video game or shooting a basketball. You just have to start.
Click to expand...

Great comment bro, my mentality needs to get on this level.
 
haha 20 isn't young for virginity, I think that's a little late.

I don't have regrets about a lot of the women, I'm more just sort of grossed out by some of them and wish I didn't hook up with the less attractive ones. Alcohol caused me to do a lot of dumb stuff. But most of the times I learned something, had a good time or checked something off my "sexual accomplishments" list. It was worth it but it wasn't. I got everything checked off, but then felt empty inside. It's not about the sex, it's about the relationship. My best memory of all those women were me and one girl watching funny youtube vids in bed and laughing.

I guess maybe you have to do both. You need to experiment to learn. But you can't get to crazy or wild. And it's nice to have a relationship, but you should go out and try stuff so you don't have any regrets.
 
GoldenFighter said:
*I know I said getting laid, but it was really about the dating process in general- what I type below is a rationale I use to move in the direction of taking action*

While it's a nice thought, I dont believe that there is ONE particular person I should be waiting for. To be honest, it's always been an excuse in my younger days and I kind of smile when I run into other people with that thought process because it reminds me of myself sometimes.

First of all, waiting for the right person to come along- what does that even mean to you exactly? Like you order an Uber and your Uber driver turns out to be the love of your life? If it's one thing I've learned about life, waiting for anything is an excuse to do nothing. Maybe if you are somewhat wealthy or well known then perhaps women will come knocking down your door but the cold hard truth in most cases- she will NOT ask you out EVEN if she likes you. I'm sure you know what I mean- she looks at you down the hall or shows signs of interest. Those signs lower the risk of rejection but you will likely always have to be the one to take that risk. So waiting for the right person like she's going to be in a group project/coworker is just shifting the responsibility from yourself into the hands of fate and that's never a wise move- fortune favors the bold in my experience.

Second of all, just a thought exercise for you. I want you to picture this amazing match of yours in the future- think of all the amazing qualities so to speak that this person possesses and you were so lucky and you got to meet & run into them...then what? Do you honestly believe that you will have the confidence out of thin air to ask them out or will you make up a different rationalization to why you shouldn't do it? It's not really about getting laid for me, it's about getting into the game in the first place. Dating is a skill like anything else and must be honed and practice to make it further into a relationship.

Third of all, this amazing person who likely has intense, diverse experiences and is a person desired by males (i.e. hot )- can I really walk in with little to no experience and wow them off their feet? Likely not- anything else would be wishful thinking. If on the off the chance I got to be with such a person, the odds are even lower that I can KEEP such a person. She would likely get bored and leave after a while anyway.

So get experience, whatever experience you can build. Because in the long run, all the failures that came before you meet a great lady are what teaches you what to do and what not to do when the time actually comes & when it matters.
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Well, thank you for sharing your wisdom with me since that makes a lot of sense. I, for one, want to try at least being intimate with both a guy and a girl and see how that goes before going from there. At the same time, being a survivor of sexual abuse/assault, and having never dated before, I feel like that my virginity is something that I only want to give up to the one person that I know is right for me and I can feel both a physical and emotional connection to them. It confuses me since I want to walk two paths, but know that only one path will be the one I'll end up on and any sort of help to help me get some clarity (so that I know what path to travel on) will be much appericated.
 
Newlife33 said:
haha 20 isn't young for virginity, I think that's a little late.

I don't have regrets about a lot of the women, I'm more just sort of grossed out by some of them and wish I didn't hook up with the less attractive ones. Alcohol caused me to do a lot of dumb stuff. But most of the times I learned something, had a good time or checked something off my "sexual accomplishments" list. It was worth it but it wasn't. I got everything checked off, but then felt empty inside. It's not about the sex, it's about the relationship. My best memory of all those women were me and one girl watching funny youtube vids in bed and laughing.

I guess maybe you have to do both. You need to experiment to learn. But you can't get to crazy or wild. And it's nice to have a relationship, but you should go out and try stuff so you don't have any regrets.
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Well, I'm not the kind of person to get crazy and wild in general. :P I just want to have sex with someone that would be in a relationship with me and that it's something real and genuine. I was teased a lot in High School for remaining chivalrous as all of the popular guys were fucking around on the weekends and they tried to tempt me with sexual talk, fantasies, and even porn- but I fought back against them and won. I just don't want to make a mistake that I have to live with for the rest of my life.
 
GoldenFighter said:
Oh I see, yeah past trauma is a rough one thankfully all the past trauma I have is relatively self inflicted haha through lack of confidence.

Good luck on your journey!
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Well, thank you so much for your kind words! :D
 
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