Any partner with success a year+ after disclosure?

I just replied to your response on my husband's thread (@i_wanna_get_better1 )

 

I'll be the first to get the ball rolling. My story didn't have a clear discovery/disclosure event but there was a clear rock-bottom moment.

I have been an addict since I was a teenager and my escalation had a usual trajectory - magazines, VHS tapes, scrambled Playboy channel, dial up, then broadband internet access. While I was dating my wife she asked if I had ever watched porn or masturbated and I casually lied and said of course not. At the time I just thought it was a bad habit that would go away once I got married.

But after we got married the problems only got worse. I was capable in the bedroom but my wife found me mentally absent, secretive, and emotionally unavailable. She knew something was off but couldn't put her finger on it. We went to marriage counseling but I was reluctant to talk about my problem. I lied, concealed, and shifted blame and eventually the counseling sessions failed.

Eventually I went to individual counseling and the therapist said I had obsessive compulsive traits related to masturbation. At the time it wasn't recognized that this was an addiction. I went through the therapy and started medication but that didn't work. During my treatment I disclosed my secret to my wife. At first she was relieved that it wasn't something much worse. At least now she had answers to her questions and everything fell into place. Unfortunately my heart wasn't ready to change and I fell back into my old ways.

I made any discussion about my problem off-limits. I shifted, avoided, minimized, justified, and evaded any discussion that my problem was getting worse. Eventually ALL conversation became risky because it could at any time turn to my problem. I became more and more withdrawn. Sex felt like work. I blamed her for being mad and upset at me and I mistakenly viewed myself as a martyr. I have no excuse... I was an a-hole for most of my marriage. I couldn't think straight because of the delusional thinking I had adopted. I was in love with my addiction. Over 10 years passed before things changed.

Things hit rock bottom over a year ago. My wife threatened to move out, take our kids with her, and threatened to tell anyone who asked the real reason unless I changed. That was my rock-bottom moment and I quit cold turkey that night. I researched my problem and discovered that it was an addiction... something I didn't know about when I first went to counseling. Finally I had MY answers and everything I had done and tried fell into place. I was doomed to fail because the things I tried would not work for an addiction.

I continued to read. I talked to an elder in my congregation to get spiritual help. I joined NoFap to connect with other addicts and to follow my wife's progress. I started an online and personal journal. I started playing games with my children. Eventually I got through my detox and moved through all the other phases.

I also knew I had to address the problems in my marriage. I had to take ownership and responsibility for all the harm I had caused over our 17 year marriage. There were a lot of unresolved issues that I had avoided. Every night for the first 30 days we would talk. Sometimes I would share what I learned, sometimes we talked about how I felt, sometimes I shared what I wrote. But we always carved out time to discuss something I had done in the past that hurt my wife. She would only put on my plate what I was able to handle that day. I would think about it overnight and the next time I talked I would give a heartfelt and sincere apology. Sometimes I would remember something stupid I did and would ask her how it made her feel. Gradually we worked through the backlog of unresolved emotions. I know that it didn't completely take away her pain but at least it was no longer an open wound.

Today I am more likely to listen without reacting angrily. I more present emotionally and mentally in general and during intimate time. I try to make eye contact more and acknowledge what she is saying instead of just grunting. I am more likely to bring up when I am hurt or angry instead of stewing over it. We connect more than we ever have. The tension that pervaded the marriage has dissipated. There aren't any emotional landmines out there anymore.

Unfortunately getting rid of the addiction didn't solve all our problems. It merely got rid of the topmost layer of dysfunction. All the direct symptoms relating to PMO went away but there were some secondary ones that are still persistent. There are also problems that aren't addiction related. Being open to change allowed me to entertain the idea that maybe my idiosyncrasies had a common cause. I possibly have High Functioning Autism or a touch of Aspergers. It's a disappointment that some of those symptoms will never go away. Some things I need to learn to cope with better.

All in all our marriage is miles ahead of where we used to be. We still have our bad moments but the toxic elements have been removed. We're back to real people having real problems. It wasn't easy to get here but we found our way out of the hell we had been living. I might have done the work over the past year but my wife had been patient with me for years before I woke up from my porn coma. It takes two people working together to battle this addiction and save their marriage.

 

I love your story. I actually thought maybe my husband wrote it until I saw how long you were married ;-) It sounds as though you are hyper aware of the pain you caused and want to help ease the pain my talking. I can't tell you how refreshing it is to hear a man open to talking. I found out almost two years ago. There are times when I find old emails where I would beg and plead to know what was wrong with our marriage that I had sent to my husband. I have so many questions, even today, two years later. I know a lot of it is my nature as I am very analytical. However, after reading your response above, I realize there is sincere ownership in your tone. I think that is the most important part, owning the issue. I am happy that you and your wife seem to have worked past your discovery. I truly believe that part of the problem is that this is such a new (not the act itself, but, the illness that has come from it) epidemic and there just isn't enough knowledge out there at this point, let alone support for both parties. When my spouse went to SA meetings, there were only two near us and both were very far away. I am hoping over time that will change.

 

We are brand new. But I feel like we are on a great track for healing. I found out everything 2 weeks ago. Within 48 hours he was takin full responsibility. He still didn't understand the full
Implication la of what her done to us. He's still learning that. But every day we talk about it a lot. He journals and is really working on self discovery. He shares things with me. He apologizes maybe too much. He's so worried about my own health and checks in with me regularly about how I'm feeling and how I'm doing. I see a full recovery for us.

 

Stacey, I realize I haven't replied in awhile, I haven't been on until today. However, this is such great news. It sounds like your SO is going to be fine and you guys will come out of this stronger. I'm so very happy for you.

 

Thank you.
To both of you.