Anybody here with visual snow symptoms?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by ZenPool, Aug 31, 2014.

  1. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8

    Hey sorry for the delayed response. It usually gives me an e-mail notification, but I didn't get one this time for some reason. Thank you so much for the great explanation on your meditation technique, I can't wait to try it out. I went to the eye doctor today in fact. Nothing really to say though. My eyes haven't changed much in the past year. I did mention my visual snow and as I expected didn't get much of a response about it. Good news is that I think I'm coming out of my flatline little by little. I've been overall less anxious and depressed. I do however have somewhat of an empty feeling inside though. My libido is still pretty low as well. Also my perception of reality overall seems more real, as if I'm more connected to my senses. This has to be the biggest thing I'm looking forward to fixing, I've felt so disconnected from my senses for so long, almost to the point where I've forgotten how it used to feel not to have a distorted perception of reality. Haven't noticed much difference in visual snow yet though but I'm still very hopeful. I'm on day 32!

    What is your stance on nofap and having sex with a partner? Its been about a month since me and my GF have had sex. I've read some people think its a setback, while others think it's a good idea to re-enforce yourself with a real person. I've had urges to have sex recently and I'm considering on having sex while still retaining my semen, which I've read has its own list of benefits.

    As far as my astigmatism I don't really ever feel pressure from it, and if I do its very rare. I did feel it today however, in my left eye, which is slightly worse. It is very exciting to think that our eyes may return to normal. I too used to have 20/20 vision as a child, pretty much up to the point of my "snap"(forgive me if i've already mentioned this). Definitely keep me posted on what happens. Maybe once you think you're astigmatism is 100% gone you can go see your doctor and confirm. It would definitely seem like a miracle to me if my eye's were to repair themselves.
     
    Strength And Light likes this.
  2. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    2,359
    8,691
    143
    Well today I woke up with a screaming headache. I went through most of the day miserable. Finally about an hour ago I put on my glasses. The headache is still there but I think not wearing the glasses is what contributed to it. I still think the astigmatism is gone though. I don't know. I had photos taken of my eyes just a few months ago. That was the first time I've ever had that done. So I won't know what's going on until my next eye exam, which is like 9 months away. My close-up vision is fine without glasses, but my long-distance vision has been blurry since a few months prior to the snap. Stress can do all sorts of things to the body, and I've noticed when I'm really stressed my vision/focus seems to be worse. It's definitely something to keep tabs on.

    It does sound like you're still in a bit of flatline. The flatlines early in reboot are the worst, but I feel like they're the most beneficial to go through. Rebooting via NoFap, addressing anger/anxiety via When Panic Attacks, and practicing meditation should be a recipe for vast improvement in your well-being. Some changes are gradual, and some changes come via an ah-ha! moment. I'm on Day 170something and I still feel like I'm improving all the time.

    Do you feel like you are capable of expressing yourself freely in the different facets and social situations of your life (family, school, friends, work, strangers, etc..)? Do you have any struggles in talking about certain parts of your life or background? The reason I ask is that it appears we both had The Snap because we bottled up our emotions. One of the most healing parts of my life since The Snap are the days when I sat my wife down and talked specifically about the impact my dad's suicide had on me growing up, how it impacted my behavior in just about everything I did, and how it led to my extreme anxiety because I bottled it up. Those talks were literally me learning to express myself and open up about this. In some ways I popped the lid off the bottle in therapy, then again with my wife, and then here on NoFap. I didn't know about NoFap until after the talks with my wife. I wonder if there's still things bottled within you, or if maybe you've already been working on that? You've talked about the anger right before The Snap and the anger around the age you discovered M, but that anger's origin hasn't been identified. Finding that may be really beneficial. It may reveal itself simply by rebooting and uncovering what PMO has been covering for many years.

    My opinion about sex during reboot is that we really want to learn to have healthy outlooks on "real" sex with a loving partner. The chaser effect is very real however, so I can see why it's said that O with partner will slow down reboot. Reboot isn't a race, so assuming the sex is healthy and not done with fantasy or out of screaming urge for M, I would recommend it. I do have sex with my wife. It's not often right now because of our schedules and a baby, but that chaser effect is no joke. For a few days after each time we have sex I've wanted to bang everything in sight. You've been warned!

    I think it's good you have a gf and are doing this with someone you can be close to. I'm also really proud of you for making 32 days. I'm thankful to have someone on here so closely symptomatic. Derealization is scary and it's unusual to find someone to talk to about it. I look forward to both of us continuing to heal and get better. :)
     
    ZenPool likes this.
  3. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8
    Yea I'm pretty sure I'm still in flat line, but at least my anxiety and depression are somewhat gone to where I can at least control it. Lately I've been very lethargic and tired. All I want to do is lie down and watch stuff on my laptop lol. My gerd symptoms seem to be improving as well. Soon I'm going to start a workout routine as I think there are just too many positive benefits not to.

    Overall my anger has improved a lot since back then. And even more so since starting back nofap. I'm able to See my negative thoughts pop up in my head and can stop them from turning into more negative thoughts. Opening up and telling many people about my pmo addiction has been very helpful and has improved relationships overall.

    I still feel like more and more I'm not wanting to wear my glasses. I still don't know why though. It just seems more natural for me to just see life though my eyes. I also am nearsighted like you and the only time I really need my glasses.is while driving and at night.

    I would like to hear more about your experience with derealization. Like your history with it and the changes that had happened since you quit pmo. I feel like I have a mild form if it in my normal waking life. It is the number one thing I want to change if I could choose anything: is to see life like how I used to before all of this began.

    Not sure what I'll do about the sex quite yet, but I really don't have to worry much about it while in flatline. I wonder how long this flatline will last. I never had it in my last reboot which was for two months. I'll just try and see it as a positive Process of my brain healing.

    That book still hasn't got here even though I chose two day shipping. I'll let you know when it comes in. I'll still read it even if I'm not suffering from the anxiety ATM. Thanks again for the support, it means more to me than you know. Also it is really special to find someone else who has suffered in similar ways to be able to relate on that level. Hope you have a great rest of the evening.
     
  4. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8
    The book has come in finally. Hope to read some of it tonight. Day 35! Still in flatline. Having periods of weakness and brain fog. My anxiety is still pretty manageable. Been talking more to people close to me and being open about the problems in my life. Seems to help take some of the weight off my shoulders. And speaking of losing weight. I lost 10lbs of over the last month. Probably a mixture of eating less, running and walking more, anxiety, and the power of nofap
     
    Strength And Light likes this.
  5. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    2,359
    8,691
    143
    That's great on all fronts! I won't get a chance to be on here much over the weekend. For sure on Monday.
     
    ZenPool likes this.
  6. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    2,359
    8,691
    143
    I haven't forgotten about you. I'm in a very minor flatline myself right now. I should have more time tomorrow to try to describe my experience with derealization.
     
    ZenPool likes this.
  7. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8
    Thank you my friend, I'm still in flatline, currently going through some depression and fatigue. I'm going to see a therapist on Thursday that actually specializes in porn addiction, sounds a little good to be true right. Haha. I'll let you know how it goes. I found a book that was suggested by someone with dp/dr http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html I might try buying it. On Sunday I felt like I was experiencing some bad dr during the day but during the evening I felt more in touch with reality. Something is definitely changing. I'm still worried that I can't tell the difference between actual flatline symptoms and my actual possible mental disorders. Overall I'm trying not to think about it too much and just try and let the feelings pass on their own. Also going to try and stop searching nofap websites Everytime I feel a symptom too see if others are going through it, I end up just reading shit that confuses me more or makes me feel hopeless. Anyway the more and more I go through this the more I'm glad I have you to talk to. Thank you. I hope you're flatline goes well and doesn't suck too much. What types of things are you experiencing? Hope you have a good night!
     
    Strength And Light likes this.
  8. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    2,359
    8,691
    143
    I'm interested in what the porn therapist has to say. Sounds like a good resource for getting better.
    If you buy that book let me know what you think of it. I'm currently re-rereading When Panic Attacks on my lunch breaks at work.
    I've seen some of your posts on here when you're anxious and asking others about symptoms that you're experiencing. I used to do that. In hindsight I think that I was very angry at myself for using cybersex while I was married, for not being able to curb my porn addiction, etc... When I would google my symptoms I would search and search and search until I read about some worse case scenario, rare terminal disease or condition that had a related symptom. Then I would think about the slow, painful death I would experience because of this terminal condition. I think because I was so angry at myself, I used this as a way to fantasize about my own death. I was destroying myself in my own little fantasy world. I wonder if there's anything like that going on with you. Are you angered, frustrated, disgusted, etc.. with yourself for your PMO habit? Was the anger you experienced entering puberty directed at yourself for any reason? Blame yourself directly or indirectly for your parent's separation?

    Ok about my derealization. As you know, it can be subtle or it can be very pronounced and startling. The first time I ever remember experiencing it was when I was 17 and at a job interview. Sitting face to face with the interviewer, we got to talking and at some point it felt like my perception came unpinned at the corners and started to spiral and lift/float away. It only lasted about 10 seconds or less. It was like I was seeing what is normally there, but that image was warped and twisting/rising. I sort of mentally swallowed it down and back to normal within 10 or so seconds.

    After that it would only happen very sporadically, usually in a face-to-face conversation with an authority of some type, and it only ever lasted for less than 15 seconds per episode. I largely ignored it as it didn't really cause any significant problem and didn't seem to be getting progressively worse.

    And then came The Snap. As soon as the snap occurred my perception was very "weird". It's very difficult to describe. Like being in a bad LSD trip. I didn't seem to have the ability to follow a thought for very long, so it took incredible concentration for very ordinary tasks like driving to and from work, which became nearly impossible. It was like I was stuck living in only the very moment that was happening - my perception was taking in EVERYTHING at once, rather than being able to filter out most things and concentrate on the stoplight turning from red to green. My brain seemed to be doing things because I could feel different parts of it "activate" and tingle at times, or other parts "shut off" and feel like they went dry or something. This time the derealization lasted though. I probably lived in that state for at least 3 months. Perceiving everything at once is so tiring and I was exhausted all the time. Then I would have a random day or an afternoon or an evening where it seemed to be getting marginally better. But then I'd be right back to the derealization state. While in the DR state, the risk of panic attack was always immanent. When I'd have a panic attack, the DR got even weirder, like during those earlier face-to-face episodes, but more extreme and frightening. This is when I'd get the visual snow. Sometimes the panic attack would come on so gradually that I didn't even realize until I saw the snow that I was in a full-blown attack. My anxiety was so high all day, everyday that there was little difference between panic attack and normal life.

    This pattern of most days having DR, then a random day or two without lasted for probably 6-8 months. By then I was actively working on my anxiety and depression, starting to meditate, etc... I began to then have stretches of time with no DR, then stretches with it, no DR, then DR, and so on. When I started reboot I really put the dagger in DR. Over the last 3 months I'm not sure if I've even experienced it at all. If so it's been very mild. My first few months of reboot I still had had it randomly. I remember a few times being out shopping with my wife and daughter in the evening after work, and having episodes where I started to feel my perception come unattached at the corners of my sight and start to twist and slowly float away. I would get really nervous I was about to have a panic attack. But then it would resolve itself within a few minutes.

    It's really difficult to describe DR. It's easier for me to say that today I am not experiencing it because....umm....well because I can just tell. It's also difficult to describe because the time in my life when I was experiencing it the most, I was also having panic attacks, extreme anxiety, depression, etc... I hope there's at least some of what I experienced translated here with what I wrote.

    My flatline is really very minor. I was very overly-emotional last week and then on Friday the emotions reached a peak which ended with me entering a fairly neutral state emotion-wise, with no real sex drive. It's not even really uncomfortable. It was more uncomfortable being so emotional last week. But it's good to go through these things. It feels like I'm getting better still. That's fine by me!
     
    ZenPool likes this.
  9. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8
    I went to an acupuncture session today. Ended up telling her all about my symptoms and about nofap. She took it rather well. I had a face to face moment as you describe with her at first and it got better the more and more we talked. The effects I got from it were overall positive. I felt very relaxed afterward, I also had a spike in libido, feelings of more connection to reality, and small moments of happiness. Since then I've had another depression spell and the worst thing I'm dealing with right now is gerd symptoms and acid reflux. It's driving me crazy and the worst part is I know it's stress and worry induced yet I keep stressing out about it. It's cool though I've been through it all before. I'll definitely let you know how therapy goes.

    I don't beat myself up too much, but I do sometimes ask the question "why me?" And sometimes I get angry that I got so involved in porn and tell myself I'm not normal. I'm really starting to see my old hypochondria habits form again. I'm like doing constant battle back and forth in my head convincing myself there's something wrong with me, whether it's some kind of physical ailments or that im mentally disfunctional. It sucks. I mean I know I'm fine and that it's just making it worse to worry about such silly things.

    Your derealization story is pretty intense sounding. But I'm glad you eventually recovered from it. It gives me more hope. Let me ask you, when you close your eyes do you see like a lava lamp effect, like seeing shapes move?
     
  10. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    2,359
    8,691
    143
    When I close my eyes I see little pixels of different sizes and shapes with a dark background. Sometimes the pixels float around I could say it's similar to a lava lamp effect. I'm pretty sure what I see is what can be considered "normal". I've never been alarmed or concerned about it.

    I've thought about acupuncture. Can you describe the depression spell that you experienced after the initial positivity of the acupuncture? I don't suspect it's related at all to the acupuncture, just curious how a depression spell is experienced by you.
     
    ZenPool likes this.
  11. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8
    Sorry, I had school all day yesterday. I also don't think the depression was related to the acupuncture either. I think alot of my symptoms are now being derived from my stomach and gi tract issues. It's like my whole digestive system is treating all the food I eat as something harmful. I swear if I wasn't suffering from these issues I would come out of my flatline. This is all speculation of course.

    My depression usually happens when I'm alone and it starts to get dark outside. it usually doesn't last too long, and by the time it's time for me to go to bed, I feel much better. Anyways I need to get ready for the therapy sessions. I'll post again later
     
  12. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8
    Went to the therapy session. It was a little awkward because he has a another guy in there as a sit in intern. He had already heard about yourbrainonporn.com and watched the explanation video on the science of porn. Anyway the whole session was basically me trying to explain to him what was going on with me, and him chiming once in a while to ask the typical questions on past trauma and childhood experiences. Basically he thinks I'm depressed. I tried asking if it was due to porn withdrawal, but I never got a straight answer. I don't think I had enough time to explain everything to him. He says he wants to try emdr therapy to help me. I don't think that he thinks I'm 100% a porn addict quite yet because we didn't get enough time to talk about it. But he says I should definitely keep abstaining. Anyways I left feeling more depressed than ever and more confused. I'm at the doctors now to get help with my stomach. I'll try and post more later
     
    Strength And Light likes this.
  13. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    2,359
    8,691
    143
    The sit in intern does sound kind of intimidating. That's good you were still able to open up.
    It's probably impossible for him to tell in one session if the depression is from porn withdrawal or from a distorted belief or beliefs created at some point in your past. I did EMDR and it was incredibly helpful for me. Did it three times I think. Diminishing results each time but the first time really put me back on track immediately. That was the moment a few months after the snap that I began to improve.
    Sorry to hear about your stomach problems. My wife carries her stress in her stomach also. I carry it in my brain, shoulders and back (and nerves of course). Her, her sister and her mom all have issues from time to time with GERD. Seems to have something to with drinking cold beverages while eating - it causes the food to want to come back up. In their cases it doesn't appear to be stress related, seems completely hereditary.
    In my amateur opinion I would guess your depression is not 100% based in porn addiction (although the specific flatline you're in right now is most likely the surface depression you're experiencing). Seems logical that the depression was present many years ago and your drug use phase was your natural attempt to alleviate it. There's an old saying that depression is anger turned inside out. Essentially anger that is not expressed outward turns inward and attacks the person who didn't express it.
    "I'm a fucking idiot loser!"
    "I'm worthless."
    "Nobody will ever love me."
    "It's all my fault."
    "I can't do anything right."
    "I'm a fucked up person."
    These types of thoughts are self-hatred and are also the symptomatic thoughts of depression. If when you were younger you went through an event or ongoing events which resulted in a distorted belief that anything close to these types of thoughts is true, then these types of thoughts begin to cycle through your head. They become automatic thoughts that occur during new events in your life, and they are mistaken as truth. These thoughts create the unpleasant, negative emotions of depression, anxiety, guilt, fear, shame, etc... When these unpleasant emotions are experienced, the distorted thoughts seem validated.
    "I feel like a loser so I know it's true."
    It's a cycle of distorted thoughts and unpleasant emotions, which often creates rumination. Something doesn't really add up so you end up thinking and thinking and thinking, trying to figure out what is wrong in these different events and interactions in your life. But the rumination doesn't ever actually solve the mystery. It just goes around and around and around, causing fatigue and frustration. What actually solves the mystery and breaks the cycle is identifying the core belief that is distorted, and updating it to an accurate belief.
    I'm interested more in the depression that you are experiencing now. When you feel this depression, what are some examples of thoughts that you have?

    I'm also wondering if we should move from this open forum to a private message format? Our conversation is so user specific I'm not sure it's relevant to continue posting in the public forum? At first I was thinking we may be of great help to someone with related symptoms, but we've moved out of range a bit. I don't know.
     
    ZenPool likes this.
  14. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8
    Tried to start a private conversation with you through my profile page but it didn't work. It said I couldn't start a conversation with your account. Maybe you can try and start one.
     
  15. snappedouttafap

    snappedouttafap Fapstronaut

    71
    28
    18
    How's the vision op? I too suffer from VS and my vision seems to be the core focus of my NF journey. So much so it's hard to recognize other symptoms clearly because im constantly checking my VS and vision in general in hopes they have improved. An update from yourself would be great!
     
  16. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

    315
    371
    63
    You're not alone, ZenPool. I got visual snow after a DXM trip. I've come to terms with the fact that I've damaged either my eyes, my brain, or something in between. I've come to terms with it's permanence. Something that's helped me is to see it as something that's not really good nor bad - just different. Sure it's less than desirable but have you ever seen Van Gogh's starry night? There's still value in your unique way of seeing the world, even though it's not what you want and it's considered a "defect."

    tl;dr: Viewing my visual snow as neutral rather than bad has helped me to accept it.
     
  17. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8
    Well this has undoubtedly been the hardest journey of my life thus far, yet it also has been the most enlightening. Im currently on day 134 of nofap. What I have discovered is that my porn addiction wasn't the core problem in my life. It was covering up a much deeper issue within myself. I was using it as an escape from my own emotions which in turn suppressed them and that creates a lot of issues. For the longest time I thought that depersonalization/derealization were just symptoms of something else, for a while I thought it was porn induced. before that i thought it was drug induced. And I might have been drug induced but that does not mean its permanent. Now I know that I have depersonalization disorder itself and that it is a separate disorder from anxiety, contrary to what many people think. Sorry to say that my visual snow has not gone away yet but thats only because my DP/DR has not gone away yet because VS is a symptom of DP/DR. Now you may not have DP/DR so my case might be different than yours and if you don't I would feel good that at least you don't have that in your life. I have found, what I believe to be, the root cause of my DP/DR/VS and it has to do with unprocessed childhood trauma which I'm working on and have been for the past month. But I don't want to get too off track on this. My advice to you is to start becoming aware and learning how to shift your focus on something besides your symptoms. Thinking about and focusing on the VS isn't going to make it go away, trust me. If anything it'll just amplify it and may cause anxiety as well as distract you to the point where you can't focus on anything else. That's how I deal with my VS I just shift my focus on something else that is actually real whether its my breath or reading a book or watching tv or working out. I know how this sounds, and yea I totally understand that it is hard to not focus on something that is so prevalent in your reality especially in visual experience. Check out this youtube video on how to change your focus and how important it is just to have as tool to use in life in general. I hope it helps. I'm not saying that your VS won't go away because even though I've had mine for many years I still believe my brain will re-integrate and heal itself, especially that I now know the root cause of my issues. I hope this helps. When did your VS begin? you know that just about everyone has slight VS, especially at night.
     
    Strength And Light likes this.
  18. ZenPool

    ZenPool Fapstronaut

    75
    22
    8
    Yea DXM is something that I wish I never messed with. It did in fact open the door for me to get DP/DR and VS, but I believe it just unleashed something that was already there. I had a predisposition to DP/DR because of childhood trauma that never got processed. And drugs are a great way to induce DP/DR although mine was induced from a panic attack not DXM, as I wasn't on anything at the time it happened. Although before that I did have 2 or 3 bad trips on DXM which was a temporary episode of derealization. A lot of people get DP/DR from a pot induced panic attack, but other drugs can cause it as well. I firmly believe that the body can heal itself and that DXM can't cause permanent damage, at least in the amount I was taking it in. And I didn't take it very often. While for most of my time with VS I ended up just accepting it and learning to live with it. But now I have a new hope that I can cure it. honestly I can live with VS i have for many years now, really all I care about getting rid of now is the DP/DR
     
    Strength And Light likes this.

Share This Page