Anybody was lonely in the past and made friends succesfully and|or became social?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Deleted Account, Aug 4, 2018.

Where you lonely in the past and managed to 'fix it' ?

  1. Yes

    8 vote(s)
    15.7%
  2. No

    7 vote(s)
    13.7%
  3. I'm about to ! :)

    11 vote(s)
    21.6%
  4. I'm struggling to do it, right now

    25 vote(s)
    49.0%
  1. It ain't terminating me right now....right now? hmm....but I'm dealing with it. Not really any friends I can call to go out with tonight.

    To be honest, a bit of a hypocrite ... or not? ... I have told a bunch of people in the past who made posts regarding loliness to just go out in the park, for a run, say good day or hello when they get the chance. Whatever.

    But this stuff actually works?
    Anyone actually turned from loliness to social? What's your story. I'm not really looking for tips, altough those are surely on topic and would help all somehow, but for the story. How do people usually go about tackling this and how does it turn out?

    Thanks for contributing :)
     
  2. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    I've only had close friends sporadically throughout my life, which makes me reluctant to get close to anyone. It seems as soon as I get close to someone, life takes us apart. I have some of the people as friends on social media, but still don't talk to them much. I'm bad at both making friends and keeping friends :(
     
  3. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    In my experience, the closest relationships I've had were with people I've shared struggles, defeats, and victories with. We experienced growth or expanded together.

    Coworkers, people who share the same interests as me, and old friends that I grew up with. As long as we're working towards something on the same path and we spend consistent time together enough to build rapport.

    Life and people change. So people grow apart and you find new people to go on a journey with.
     
    Hitto likes this.
  4. infidel

    infidel New Fapstronaut

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    I have two pretty close friends and a few "friends" to whom I only talk when we meet as a group. This amounts to around eight people I could consider my friends, which is more than I ever had, but I still feel lonely. As I said before, most of them are situational friends I only talk to in a group setting, and I don't really have anything in common with them. A lot of the time I just sit there and listen to them talking about their common interests while I think about blowing my brains out.
    My "close" friends are a bit better, as I can be more open and comfortable with them, but I still put on a mask when I'm with them.

    All in all, I'd say I'm at the peak of my social life, though I'm still lonely and unhappy (which is probably my fault anyway).
     
    horny nerd likes this.
  5. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    You commented on a similar thread I made so you know my story, but the answer for me is "I want to, but its hard". I have no friends locally so I need to rely on doing things online, which is near impossible to organise. I've been let down so many times that I dont trust people anymore. I wish I had advice to give but if I did I would have taken it myself. All I can say is that I can heavily relate and am rooting for you.
     
  6. Enlightened soul @!

    Enlightened soul @! Fapstronaut

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    Man
    I'm having hard time to make friends in real life due to past experiences like bullying , and all the things and insult that I have suffered is making me a lonely person but I'm struggling to change it in life as I don't want to be alone
    As I age
     
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  7. u376

    u376 Fapstronaut

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    I will not demoralize you
    But no I have not able to achieve this
    I don't know how to continue friendships.....
    Even if at start everything is good.... But later people starts avoiding me ......
    And I usually don't go out.....and I don't speak much...... that's also my mistake...
    So you should go out and speak more
     
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  8. Abysmal habit

    Abysmal habit Fapstronaut

    Technically by your standards , yes i have succeeded . But i do not feel happy at all , i was once a nerd who would spend 12 hours + gaming , i had one friend that i would always play with ; That went on until i started feeling unhappy , so i thought that , maybe if i started going out and being more sociable and having more friends around , things would change ; I began by going to the gym with the gym dude in my class , became good friends with him which lead to him introducing me to other people , and it rolled from there .
    Right now i'm being called often for plans , and have made some plans of my own with friends , became more confident and all of the things that come with it , all of this in the time span of a year and a half , but these last few weeks i realized that i still wasn't happy , something kept bugging me ; I believe that if i get into a good and solid relationship with a girl , maybe i will feel happiness as i should , still this is just an idea and i'm not sure it would work .
    My tip to you , is first scout for what would really make you happy ; If after all i have mentioned you still think , making friends and being social will make give it to you , PM me i can help you.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. THEdally_llama

    THEdally_llama Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I overcame addiction to video games, being a loner, socially awkward, along with bullying, hazing, and family problems to become a much more social and communicable human being.

    However, it still burdens me and I still don't feel "happy" a majority of the time. Then again, if you read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Manson basically says you shouldn't always feel "Happy" all the time anyway.
     
    VeganRights likes this.
  10. Bad_hombre

    Bad_hombre Fapstronaut

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    I have no more friends than I had years ago, which goes to the amount of zero. I'm talking about real friends. Strangely enough, I don't feel lonely I somewhat gave up getting people to like me, but at the same time, I became a person more appealing to be around and I say it because I feel it in social situations. It's better having 1 friend than a bunch of so-called friends consuming your vital energy, I guess.
     
    horny nerd, Roady, Starke and 2 others like this.
  11. salvacion_a_888

    salvacion_a_888 Fapstronaut

    I've found tremendous friendships through a couple 12 step programs that I'm active in. Before that I was extremely lonely and depressed. I rarely feel lonely today.

    I think the takeaway is to find a spiritual community whose values and tenets you believe in. When you connect with people via deeply-held shared values, those connections tend to put down roots and grow.
     
    rabblenoporn likes this.
  12. overclocked

    overclocked Fapstronaut

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    I picked "struggling". I had a social and sex life but I've lost it again.
     
  13. Goo

    Goo Fapstronaut

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    Yea, just smile, laugh and talk about yourself, then ask them how they feel about something.

    You'll make friends, I use to be lonely af as in no friends,. U just gotta get out there
     
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  14. Bluespace123

    Bluespace123 Fapstronaut

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    I'm struggling to make freinds. They have always come and gone in my life and I usually only have one at a time. I'm not a social person, I'm very introverted but at the same time I truly crave to have more social connections with people in my life.

    I work full time and I'm about to go into welding school this month, the school is a year long program so between work and school that's 70 hours a week for an entire year! I don't really have friends and pornography is destroying my life, I just hope to god I have the strength to make it through this next year of my life
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. rabblenoporn

    rabblenoporn Fapstronaut

    I hope everyone will have better lives with their loved ones and close friends! Cheers and props to everyone above on the post. I am a peculiar person because I have NO social needs before i was 20 years old. I declined many ppl's invitation to meet new people or events, I avoided the crowd, classmates, When I was in high school everyone ate with somebody at lunch but I chose to eat alone and thought everyone would thought of me as cool. But at 2016 when I turned 20, I went to an escort and lost my virginity. Ever since then I was unable to stand the solitary lifestyle that I have developed for 20 years.(gaming, PMO, me and the screen) I struggled to reach out not only to woman, but also to make male friend, I am still struggling to make friends since the need of social interaction didn't occur to me until I lost my virginity.(which is very weird). But seeing all these posts at such a lonely night give my strength and comfort. Cheers.
     
  16. BlueLeopard

    BlueLeopard Fapstronaut

    I've had relatively few friends throughout my life. I used to stress about it a lot more when I was younger. Now I am less afraid to do things on my own (go to movies, football games, occasional concert on my own.) I do have a couple of old high school friends I catch up with now and then, problem is I haven't made new close friends since high school (finished 20 years ago now). In hindsight I would've made more of an effort to make new friends and try new things when I was younger.
     
    Hitto likes this.
  17. FutureDoctor

    FutureDoctor Fapstronaut

    Hi man, I am now in college but I will share a bit of what happened to me back in highschool. When I was a first year, I was new and I was surrounded by people who mostly knew each other for at least 5-6 year plus the fact that I was, I wouldn't say weird, but pretty much non-interessant (I did no sport, played videogames and I even had bad grades on purpose because I did not wanted to be seen as some kind of smart introverted guy who is at the top of the class. Now that I think about it, I was a piece of shit, I wanted to look cool in my new school so I hid my true self and obviously, it did not work one bit. So I ended up being alone for like 4 month until I decided to stop doing this comedy. I went to talk to some people whom I actually found interesting (they were geeks and we played the same games) and I made friends quite quickly after that.
    Anyway, second year comes and all of my new friends are in the same class, problem is I am the only one to be in another one. I first thought that I maybe should asked to get transferred but then I changed my mind, I thought "fuck it, let's have some balls" so I get into my new class again having zero friends and sitting next to one of the people I failed to be friend with the past year. Not the best setup uh? Except that this time I am myself, I don't try to be the cool guy who don't need anybody and who is desired by everybody. I step out my comfort zone, I do my best to be nice to every one, I always try to talk to people and it works I get friends, I am invited to parties and in last year, I even got a gf. Now I am truly happy with my life, the only thing I still hate about myself is me being unable to get rid of porn but I am working on it.
    Sooo my point is just that you should open yourself to others, you don't have to be the cool, funny and handsome guy, just talk to them and be yourself, do not judge them and always try to be nice (well except towards assholes of course) and there will be people to like you.
    As for the tips, better than a "run in the park", try boxing or playing basketball, I think that sport is one of the things that really connects people together.
     
  18. NightReaper775

    NightReaper775 Fapstronaut

    Ok, so here are my two cents.

    I was bullied when I was little, and as a result, I tended toward being socially awkward, also my highly functional autism didn't help. I didn't talk to girls too much, I had few friends and never did a lot of the things "normal" kids use to do, like playing sports. I don't know today, but back in the 2000s, it was still fairly normal for some kids not to have a PC or TV in their rooms, so I could only interact with those who did and enjoyed playing videogames and such.

    Long story short: I was really awkward. In high school (here in Argentina that would be middle school and high school combined) I closed myself and didn't change too much, still talked mostly with boys like me, and not so much with girls. I was terrible at chit-chat, my social skills were on the floor and I never thought about dating, at least, not about 4th year (when I was 16). There, I "fell in love" with a girl on my class, and I was just so stupid towards her, didn't know anything about "game" or the like and so I was instantly put on the friendzone. I was just as ridiculous as ever, like that social part of my personality wasn't even developed yet.

    Then, with time, I pushed myself to be better, based on this failed experience. I stopped certain habits (or tried to) and talked with more and more people. When I entered University, I was forced by myself to make new friends, some stuck, others didn't, but I had a better relationship with women. Still failed at "game", but was better at it. Today, I can say for sure I'm a fairly social person, more outspoken, more physical, more sincere and funny.

    There is no "magic pill", but time and willpower. You have to go out there, meet people, listen to them, take any advice they might say and test it. You have to start new activities and become social because you want to. It's a little about faking it until you make it, too, but you have to develop your own personality. Also, say things if you want to, don't keep silent, even if you are shy you can use that to your advantage (for example, with women). Just get out there and talk to people in your everyday life, little by little, ask normal questions and get accustomed to the act of talking to strangers. I don't know what else to tell you. Social skills are a skill which you develop, especially if you have some kind of troublesome past or something like Asperger's or high functioning autism. This works in the end, you will become social by brute force and you will learn from experience.

    Take care.
     
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  19. Ukulele

    Ukulele Fapstronaut

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    I practically have the same story. I used to be a loner in my adolescence. I used to go to parks and cinemas at school time, just to avoid being with schoolmates. If I managed to make friends, anyone can.

    I think just with everything else, this also comes down to EFFORT. Trial and error. But we all know this. Even though I navigate fairly well socially, I still struggle today, sometimes saying things that don’t fit the given situation, or asking personal things too soon, or take hints the wrong way, etc... It might be embarrassing first, but once we get comfortable, we can make a joke and have a good laugh about it. In the end, I just keep plugging at it. And when I feel that I have had enough social interactions, I withdraw to recharge until I’m ready to try and fail forward again.

    There’s some pointers I’d like to mention here that I hope will help those who does take effort, but still feel stuck.

    First. Is it important enough for us to have friends? Because if it is, we won’t care about being clumsy socially at first, or about making a mess and errors. That, sooner or later, leads to progress and friends. But if it is not important enough, then we just keep hiding behind excuses, like “I’ve had a tough childhood. I was bullied and had no friends. I’m introverted. I had friends but they betrayed me. I’m this and that, etc..”, and then we’ll never have friends. I used to make all of these excuses, and I was left being alone, wallowing in anger and frustration. It was the change in mindset that enabled me to move forward. That I’m going to have friends no matter what, because having friends to share th8ngs with is awesome, and being alone sucks.

    Second, I started having closer friends when I started to genuinely care about them. This is essential. We cannot be selfish people, only care about ourselves, 3xpect people to be ready when we wanna hang, and have them moving mountains for us. Then when they need something, we’re like: “I dunno.. I’ll see.. etc..”. I used to behave like this, then wondered why I had no friends who cared about me. We get back what we give. Why should they give a fuck if we don’t? It’s us that wanna make friends, not the other way around. So we gotta show interest first, make moves first, suggest doing something first, and keep doing this until there’s genuine rapport.

    Third, there’s also the other end, the overdoer, who suffers passive aggressively in relationships. This tends to happen when we realize we gotta open up, and say yes to things more. Then we start to do too much for others in order to be liked, then get frustrated when we get exploited and used. I used to be like this as well. This changed as I started making boundaries, which only happened once I became more confident in myself, and got comforatble saying no.


    I could go on, but I think these were the crucial things that helped me make friends. In overall, I decided to make friends a priority. I became less selfish. I took genuine interest in certain people. I made up and maintain boundaries with everyone.

    I hope I could contibute with my story. Best of luck to all of us!
     
    FutureDoctor and Deleted Account like this.
  20. NightReaper775

    NightReaper775 Fapstronaut

    Of course, you did. Thanks and I wish for you the same.

    Well, I think that if it weren't important we wouldn't be so worried about it and define us in the first place. Our social interactions are a big part of our personality and our development. Yes, they are very important, maybe some delude themselves into excuses to avoid it, but that only shows that their anxiety is too big because social relations are fundamental structures in our life. Being alone sucks, not having anyone who cares about you and can trust sucks, and that's the truth.

    Empathy my man, and preach with your example. I was that guy who backed out of anything out of anxiety, but lately, I've been going to new places and new people. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's boring, but it's never as dull as expected and you get to expand your social circle. If you want people to go out with you, be a person that isn't afraid of doing things and doesn't back out. You have to start things out too, I'm with you in that. We mustn't be that "stand in the corner" guy who waits for "magic" to happen (girls talking to him, or random people out of interest), that almost never happens.

    We have to be relaxed, and don't overdo, that's also true! Social interactions have to be reciprocal at some degree, out of pure empathy. I'm not going to hang out with somebody that just uses me or, if she's a woman I like, play with my feelings and then dump me. We have to be open to new things and people, but set boundaries and our personality straight, with strong positions and attitudes. This is something I never learned until I was around 19-20 years old. A strong personality is a lot better than a "yes to everything" man who doesn't have preferences.

    Greetings. Take care.
     

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