Anyone Else Experienced This?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Avenger21, Jun 3, 2019.

  1. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut

    Haven't made a post in months but I'll make this quick, it's actually more community oriented than my other posts.

    I've started watching porn since I was 11 or 12 years old and throughout the years, I've slowly been diving into various genres of porn. I started with feet because (that's my OG fetish) and then as the years went by I've started to get into more weird/devious/sexuality questioning porn.

    Never got into any of the deep web shit but I think I've watched nearly every genre there was. And I think it has alot to do with my social anxiety and sheltered life. Never had a date, never kissed a girl or had a girlfriend(which is the least of my problems currently) and I'm reaching 21 this year. The only time a girl liked me back was in my 8th grade year in middle school, but that didn't last very long because after going to high school I never saw her again.

    Anyways porn made me a fucking mess, and I'm wondering if anybody went through what I went through in terms of watching almost or possibly all genres of porn when their addiction was at their very highest.
  2. PMO is a downward spiral so such thing is to happen. Read some of the posts here and you'll find it out.

    The thing to do right now is to stop using it and fix your brain from the damages P has done. :)
  3. Hi man!
    I feel you, been in a similar position and have been clean for 6 months.
    Ive done retarded things that I didnt think of at the time.
    There is a way out, hit me up for a chat if you want! :)
  4. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

    Well ye I have a similar story but I kissed/liked girls before porn. One turned out to be my girlfriend but we didnt have sex and I was like 12. Well after that the porn addiction started: girl pictures>vanilla porn>all genres. I remember getting hard to thoughts of fucking girls and hot teachers, I looked girls only and felt actually hyper-sexual towards them. One time I slept next to my steph sister and got horny and wanted to have sex with her and had the thought of fucking her while she slept. Many years later, 22 now I get half hard towards normal porn and started watching weird stuff like beastiality. Met a girl when drunk>barely got hard, started nofap but failed a lot but the erections improved with this girl. Eventually I had sex more than 15 times in over a month but I still didnt feel that horny or had an 100% erection. Than someone said: atleast ur not gay. That kickstarted the HOCD, like 3 months ago. Now I am questioning my sexuallity everyday and get aroused by gay porn and gay thoughts and even dreams. I never got them before the HOCD or watched Gay porn. It fcked up my brain so much that now I think im gay, have to breakup with my girlfriend and act out or kill myself. I cant stop porn now bcuz im scared I turn more gay when I dont watch porn bcuz it doest actually feel that way...
    What I did is just accept myself who I am now and will see what it will bring but I cant deny that it might end up killing myself. I can realise it still that I am maybe gay, although it feels that now. It never did before...I still have a girlfriend but really scared of losing I lost my mind
    Avenger21 likes this.
  5. helpinghand4all

    helpinghand4all Fapstronaut

    You're not alone, we will change together.
    Avenger21 likes this.
  6. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut


    I'm really sorry for what's happening with you, porn is literally rewiring our brains to get aroused to this kind of crap.
    I just wanna remind you that HOCD is OCD and watching gay porn is only going to trigger it and make it worse, so I honestly advise you to stay away from gay porn specifically if not all porn, trust me. I had HOCD too for years and I got over it by simply ignoring it.

    If you want to learn how to recover from OCD, check out her videos here:
    Her name is "Ali Greymond" and she use to be a sufferer of OCD and she give tips on how to let your brain recover from OCD.

    If you can't afford therapy, go on the Ebook store and buy the "Mindfulness Workbook For OCD", I'm reading it myself and it actually helps and it's really informative.

    But it's best to just let the thoughts run around your head and not resond to them. Responding to the thoughts does more harm then good. I hope this helps you.
    Indurian likes this.
  7. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I'm honestly trying.
  8. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut

    Thanks a lot, It's to the point where I don't know what my brain really wants anymore.
  9. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut

    Thanks I will!
  10. Indurian

    Indurian Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you are going through. Keep going my friend.

    Look into ways of getting your mind back in balance. Meditation was a big part of this for me. Although not an instant fix it has gradually calmed all the racing thoughts.
    zuzu123 likes this.
  11. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

    Thanks I am actually under treatment of an OCD specialist who has dealt with HOCD before. Already did one session. Well failed it a bit. Cuz he told me to stop posting/checking forum and such related to it :). Try to do so too, haha!
  12. Avenger21

    Avenger21 Fapstronaut

    You have a very good specialist, I'm under treatment too, but my process is much slower than yours so far and haven't even hit the core of my OCD yet, I had to do much of the work on my own, which CBT Therapy is mostly about with just a little bit of help from your specialist. Hang in there, from experience things do get a little better bit by bit as long as you don't give into the compulsions. If you can't stop the compulsions try to limit it a day at a time.
  13. Perfect advice. the more you watch P, the worse it gets...
    Coffee Candy likes this.
  14. Summer Son

    Summer Son Fapstronaut

    We have the same exact story. I wish I never met highspeed internet porn in my 11. I am turning 21 in this July and I am definitely a NEET. I never kissed a girl. All I know about sexuality is porn. And I know this is not normal, I tried to cut porn but none of them worked. I completely lost my control of life. You are not alone. I hope we will figure this out.
  15. jk243

    jk243 Fapstronaut

    Pretty similar way. Started watching 6-7 years ago and addicted 4 years ago(I'm 21 now). But I have kissed girls and had relationship along the way. But I can relate to the spirale : It begins with a picture, then amateur vids to pretty hardcore and orgy vids ...
  16. Salute77

    Salute77 Fapstronaut

    I can't relate saying that I've watched every genre of porn. But I can say that it has messed with relationships. Even if that is just a friendship or possible one with a girl.

    ....Bro don't kill yourself. There is no need. I recently relapsed but before I had one year and a half of no porn. It's totally doable. It just takes time and a lot of self control. It's going to take a LONG while before you have no compulsion for porn. Your gay thoughts will actually go away with less porn use. You will get your penis back as well if you abstain from porn. You will get less anxiety and less social anxiety after stopping porn. You can totally have a normal life. If you have to run away from your house because you have the desire to look at porn go do that. Run away. Anything that keeps you away from porn is a good thing. You gotta keep at it. Killing yourself is a rather severe reaction, that is also unreasonable.
    JPDrive likes this.
  17. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

    Well u dont understand how I feel...I just dont understand myself anymore. I lived 22 years as an heterosexual. I only jerked off to girls or straight porn. I quit porn for a bit but my heterosexual relationship wasnt that satisfying. Now I deal with HOCD for 3 months. I get homosexual thoughts all day and wake up sweating and with anxiety. I dont even want to sleep because im scared I get an homosexual dream and that I enjoy it. I just dont understand it. I keep relapsing because im scared im turning gay. I see a beautifull girl and get triggered and jerk off. I went little over a week without pmo but the hocd was actually worse...Ye I am really gonna kill myself if it doesnt go away. I will keep trying no pmo for me and my girlfriend and future. Losing her would be the fatal blow of my alrdy sad life.
  18. Porn is trash

    Porn is trash Fapstronaut

    Hi zuzu123, I'm 16 and I have the same problem that you. All the the things you mentioned I also experienced them. Read my story and you will know your problem and how to solve it last comment in that page is mine). You better stop fighting those thoughts because they only going to get stronger and you will be feeling pain in your stomach as me. It all started some months ago when my sister called gay. I started getting arousal to those gay thoughts, I was fucking scared I couldn't even look at a men without having pain in my stomach. I also couldn't sleep at night for the same reason as you. I didn't want to go outside home because I was afraid of seeng men. I know how you feel but now my HOCD has reduced. I can come out and play football with friends I'm not scared again. You said that after a week of non masturbation and porn your gay thoughts got stonger, is normal it also happend to me but after two weeks or more (depending of your porn addiction, it will take more time to your brain heal) your natural heterosexual thoughts will come back. Bro stop watching porn, (all types) . When you stop watching porn and masturbation your natural tendencies will come back. When your gay thoughts come treat them as a normal ramdom thought and they will go or tell yourself, so what happens if I'm gay I don't see any problem. It worked for me, now those stupid thoughts are not constanly in my head. And don't worry because emotionally you still like women, you are never going to fall in love with a man even if try. When your HOCD reduce you will realise that your not atractted to men. Now I can come out and do normal activities and my eyes are only in women. But I still getting arousal to some gay thoughts but not as before.
    Here you have the comparation of my erections between the first and second week and when the HOCD started .

    When my HOCD (still watched porn then because I was scared of being gay) started:
    Having sex with women thoughts- 0-5% erection
    Having sex with man thoughts- 80-95% erection+pain in my stomach and fear.
    Seeing a man nacked- 0-5% erection+ pain in my stomach and fear.
    Seeing a women nacked- 0-10% erection
    Percentage of gay thoughts that I had in a day- 90-95%
    Percentage of straight toughts I had in a day- 10-20%
    I was in this stage for month and a half, I wanted to die.

    First week without porn and masturbation and accepting my HOCD:
    Having sex with women thoughts - 20 to 50 % erection
    Having sex with man thoughts- 80 to 95% erection+ a little pain in my stomach sometimes but all fear gone.
    Seeing a man nacked- 0-3% erection + a little pain in my stomach sometimes
    Seeing a woman nacked-20- 60 % erection
    Percentage of gay thoughts that I had in a day- 50-60%
    Percentage of straight thoughts that I had in a day- 40-60%
    HOCD 55%

    Second week without porn and masturbation and accepting my HOCD
    Having sex with women thoughts -70-90% erection
    Having sex with man thoughts- 50-70% erection, no pain again or only once in a while when I doutb my sexuallity (Don't doubt of your sexuallity)
    Seeing a man nacked-0-1% no pain again or only once in a while
    Seeing a women nacked- 70-90% erection
    Percentage of gay thoughts that I had in a day- 10-20%
    Percentage of gay thoughts that I had in a day-50-60%

    I hope this helps you.
    Don't watch porn and don't masturbate. After a year or more you can start masturbating again but porn is over for you and me and all people who got to that point were porn doesn't make them arousal.
    To end this I recommend you to download a nofap application, it will help you not to masturbate and watch porn, here is the name of the one I use: is called fap track is like a game.
    If you want more details respond to my comment :).
    Once again sorry for my english, I'm from Spain.
  19. Hank Moody 99

    Hank Moody 99 Fapstronaut

    You are not the only one . I think every porn addict has visited some kind of genre that makes him question. Don't worry when you abstain from porn I don't know how long will it take but you'r natural vanilla tastes will come back . As for watching weird genres that's because you escalated and you need something new to kick in ...

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