Anyone else failing for years now? Advice?

DarkWater

DarkWater

Fapstronaut
First time posting to any kind of forum so excuse me if this is the wrong place or something.

Does anyone have any advice for someone who is beginning to feel hopeless after hundreds of failures? I've been trying to quit PMO in any and all forms for well over 3 years now and have never exceeded 8 days without. It genuinely feels like my brain just reaches a point where it boils over and I lose control of myself for a few critical seconds.

Even just those few seconds though and I'm already gone. Once the google search is in, I'm not getting out. How am I meant to beat this problem when it demands absolute perfection? I go perfect for a few days and then I slip for ten seconds and I'm already on a P site. By that point it's all over. Feels awful seeing no progress or even negative progress over the years...

Anyways, anyone else having similar problem/experience/advice?
 
Not now but I did what I called failing, now I call it acting out, for many years. I acted out for more than fifteen years and from the day I started I didn't stay off for more than twenty eight days until 2011. Now I am a happily sober pm+ addict.
Maybe what we call these things matters, could affect our attitudes. Acting out is more objective, the word fail shows that shame is talking and shame has no interest in helping me get sober. I like the word sober for the same reason of objectivity. Of a calm objective person we could say "he is a sober presence in the room". It's the same reason I use medical language if referring to the details of acting out or my fantasies, rather than euphemism.
 
Randy Andy said:
Not now but I did what I called failing, now I call it acting out, for many years. I acted out for more than fifteen years and from the day I started I didn't stay off for more than twenty eight days until 2011. Now I am a happily sober pm+ addict.
Maybe what we call these things matters, could affect our attitudes. Acting out is more objective, the word fail shows that shame is talking and shame has no interest in helping me get sober. I like the word sober for the same reason of objectivity. Of a calm objective person we could say "he is a sober presence in the room". It's the same reason I use medical language if referring to the details of acting out or my fantasies, rather than euphemism.
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How could one not feel shame after ramming into the wall of relapse repeatedly? If you take any responsibility for your actions at all it seems shame comes with relapse; shame for acting out.
 
DarkWater said:
First time posting to any kind of forum so excuse me if this is the wrong place or something.

Does anyone have any advice for someone who is beginning to feel hopeless after hundreds of failures? I've been trying to quit PMO in any and all forms for well over 3 years now and have never exceeded 8 days without. It genuinely feels like my brain just reaches a point where it boils over and I lose control of myself for a few critical seconds.

Even just those few seconds though and I'm already gone. Once the google search is in, I'm not getting out. How am I meant to beat this problem when it demands absolute perfection? I go perfect for a few days and then I slip for ten seconds and I'm already on a P site. By that point it's all over. Feels awful seeing no progress or even negative progress over the years...

Anyways, anyone else having similar problem/experience/advice?
Click to expand...

Yeah I've been doing the same thing for about a year now with my longest streak being about 40 days. I'm thinking of trying masturbating (NOT to p) once every 20-30 days or so and see if I still get benefits. I'm not sure if it's a stupid idea but i'm sure it's better than masturbating everyday to p.
 
luke775 said:
Yeah I've been doing the same thing for about a year now with my longest streak being about 40 days. I'm thinking of trying masturbating (NOT to p) once every 20-30 days or so and see if I still get benefits. I'm not sure if it's a stupid idea but i'm sure it's better than masturbating everyday to p.
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I've been having the same thought process for the past few months. But I was going to try masturbating whenever and just avoiding P, but like you I don't want to exert so much effort and have no benefits.
 
DarkWater said:
I've been having the same thought process for the past few months. But I was going to try masturbating whenever and just avoiding P, but like you I don't want to exert so much effort and have no benefits.
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It's good to hear someones thinking the same thing! I'm sure there would still be benefits from quitting P but i'm not sure how much they'd compare to the benefits of quitting it all for good. Ideally, I would quit P and just have sex instead of masturbating but I have mild E.D. and don't want to waste my time with random girls either (defeats the purpose of my nofap journey a bit). I found an interesting video on yt a while ago that touches on masturbating once a week but not using P and it's pretty helpful. I'll see if I can find it, i'm sure it'll help you.
 
luke775 said:
It's good to hear someones thinking the same thing! I'm sure there would still be benefits from quitting P but i'm not sure how much they'd compare to the benefits of quitting it all for good. Ideally, I would quit P and just have sex instead of masturbating but I have mild E.D. and don't want to waste my time with random girls either (defeats the purpose of my nofap journey a bit). I found an interesting video on yt a while ago that touches on masturbating once a week but not using P and it's pretty helpful. I'll see if I can find it, i'm sure it'll help you.
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Sounds like you and I are on the exact same track, I'll definitely give it a watch in the morning if you find it.
 
DarkWater said:
How could one not feel shame after ramming into the wall of relapse repeatedly? If you take any responsibility for your actions at all it seems shame comes with relapse; shame for acting out.
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Accept that the relapse has happened and determine what could be done differently, but do do without beating yourself up. I found meditation critical in this process whereby you observe the unhelpful thoughts your mind produces post relapse. You learn to observe rather than identify with or believe in the shameful thoughts. After a while they fade and I believe this is a critical part of the recovery process
 
DarkWater said:
How could one not feel shame after ramming into the wall of relapse repeatedly? If you take any responsibility for your actions at all it seems shame comes with relapse; shame for acting out.
Click to expand...

I think I hear you saying it's not possible. It may be that where you are, 3 years into trying on your own to stop addiction, maybe a few years of ramping up before that or a few decades of active addiction I don't know you tell me, from that place it may be that it is not possible for you. I have not had to use pornography or sex with self for several years and part of the shift from being unable to it happening for me was listening to people who tried to loosen my death grip on the shame. And as that started to work and interrelated with me not using pm+ for longer and longer I didn't need to feel so much shame, that is my experience and you but having had it can't just switch right over you night but even be able to imagine it that is fine. But a very important question is whether you're going to listen to someone who knows things you don't, and probably that will take years more of deeper and deeper pain like this that was the case for me. No one could have told me true things and I just different wake up and believe "I'm not s bad person or a good person just a person" I had to have experiences to get open to the idea then practices to build it up.
 
Oh forgot to mention that pain is very useful, building up quite a few years of it really paid off for me. Obviously I didn't do so on purpose I didn't like it any more than you do, I tried everything I could to not feel that pain. Of course one of my main strategies for not feeling pain was to use pm+ as a drug :)
 
Yep got that intense feeling in the brain on day 4ish of this current streak. The kind of feeling where you are obsessing over porn through every hour of the day and fapping seems like the best thing in the world. I got through it by talking at regular intervals with my AP, using a porn blocker that I can't uninstall and recognising that the feelings are not real. My real feelings about porn come through after a relapse where I feel pathetic and worthless, and 4 days later my brain thinks I love porn again? Ok sure, I actually laughed out loud at how ridiculous that was when I realised it and now on day 8 and feeling in control.
 
DarkWater said:
First time posting to any kind of forum so excuse me if this is the wrong place or something.

Does anyone have any advice for someone who is beginning to feel hopeless after hundreds of failures? I've been trying to quit PMO in any and all forms for well over 3 years now and have never exceeded 8 days without. It genuinely feels like my brain just reaches a point where it boils over and I lose control of myself for a few critical seconds.

Even just those few seconds though and I'm already gone. Once the google search is in, I'm not getting out. How am I meant to beat this problem when it demands absolute perfection? I go perfect for a few days and then I slip for ten seconds and I'm already on a P site. By that point it's all over. Feels awful seeing no progress or even negative progress over the years...

Anyways, anyone else having similar problem/experience/advice?
Click to expand...
Please see my thread it contains every tip about how I made it to 6 months:https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...FjAAegQIDhAB&usg=AOvVaw1fnWdpCTnCC3E6FOBTz9KF
 
Randy Andy said:
I think I hear you saying it's not possible. It may be that where you are, 3 years into trying on your own to stop addiction, maybe a few years of ramping up before that or a few decades of active addiction I don't know you tell me, from that place it may be that it is not possible for you. I have not had to use pornography or sex with self for several years and part of the shift from being unable to it happening for me was listening to people who tried to loosen my death grip on the shame. And as that started to work and interrelated with me not using pm+ for longer and longer I didn't need to feel so much shame, that is my experience and you but having had it can't just switch right over you night but even be able to imagine it that is fine. But a very important question is whether you're going to listen to someone who knows things you don't, and probably that will take years more of deeper and deeper pain like this that was the case for me. No one could have told me true things and I just different wake up and believe "I'm not s bad person or a good person just a person" I had to have experiences to get open to the idea then practices to build it up.
Click to expand...
You're saying a lot of things I find really interesting, I just still don't see the connection between post-relapse shame and the eventual successive relapse a few days later. By the time I've gone a few days the shame is gone.
 
TransverseWaves said:
Yep got that intense feeling in the brain on day 4ish of this current streak. The kind of feeling where you are obsessing over porn through every hour of the day and fapping seems like the best thing in the world. I got through it by talking at regular intervals with my AP, using a porn blocker that I can't uninstall and recognising that the feelings are not real. My real feelings about porn come through after a relapse where I feel pathetic and worthless, and 4 days later my brain thinks I love porn again? Ok sure, I actually laughed out loud at how ridiculous that was when I realised it and now on day 8 and feeling in control.
Click to expand...
Congrats on 8 days! That does seem exactly like my experience. Maybe I'll look into the AP, I haven't tried that.
 
DarkWater said:
First time posting to any kind of forum so excuse me if this is the wrong place or something.

Does anyone have any advice for someone who is beginning to feel hopeless after hundreds of failures? I've been trying to quit PMO in any and all forms for well over 3 years now and have never exceeded 8 days without. It genuinely feels like my brain just reaches a point where it boils over and I lose control of myself for a few critical seconds.

Even just those few seconds though and I'm already gone. Once the google search is in, I'm not getting out. How am I meant to beat this problem when it demands absolute perfection? I go perfect for a few days and then I slip for ten seconds and I'm already on a P site. By that point it's all over. Feels awful seeing no progress or even negative progress over the years...

Anyways, anyone else having similar problem/experience/advice?
Click to expand...

Sorry about your 3 years. I’m going on 25, so I’m not one for good advice, but will try to follow you. Joined NoFap today, hoping to start recovery. Well, better do more than “hoping.” As they say in recovery groups, you have to “Do the work.”

Best wishes to you.
 
DarkWater said:
First time posting to any kind of forum so excuse me if this is the wrong place or something.

Does anyone have any advice for someone who is beginning to feel hopeless after hundreds of failures? I've been trying to quit PMO in any and all forms for well over 3 years now and have never exceeded 8 days without. It genuinely feels like my brain just reaches a point where it boils over and I lose control of myself for a few critical seconds.

Even just those few seconds though and I'm already gone. Once the google search is in, I'm not getting out. How am I meant to beat this problem when it demands absolute perfection? I go perfect for a few days and then I slip for ten seconds and I'm already on a P site. By that point it's all over. Feels awful seeing no progress or even negative progress over the years...

Anyways, anyone else having similar problem/experience/advice?
Click to expand...
I have been struggling from PMO for the last 15 years. I had never a girl friend as porn made it very easy to achieve orgasm without any effort. But its a shame to loose time and energy and still be empty of emotions after so many years. I am emotionaly disturbed but i am on a good road to recovery even it takes me years to recover, respect women as human beings and not objects and just be myself without fake expectations. Every girl is beautiful in her own way. One should have an eye for beauty and affection.
 
ElderStatesman said:
Sorry about your 3 years. I’m going on 25, so I’m not one for good advice, but will try to follow you. Joined NoFap today, hoping to start recovery. Well, better do more than “hoping.” As they say in recovery groups, you have to “Do the work.”

Best wishes to you.
Click to expand...
Well at least we've both joined here now. Good luck!
 

Same to you. And more than luck. Not being critical, and I really liked getting your response. Just for me, I think I have to go to some real dedication.
 
DarkWater said:
First time posting to any kind of forum so excuse me if this is the wrong place or something.

Does anyone have any advice for someone who is beginning to feel hopeless after hundreds of failures? I've been trying to quit PMO in any and all forms for well over 3 years now and have never exceeded 8 days without. It genuinely feels like my brain just reaches a point where it boils over and I lose control of myself for a few critical seconds.

Even just those few seconds though and I'm already gone. Once the google search is in, I'm not getting out. How am I meant to beat this problem when it demands absolute perfection? I go perfect for a few days and then I slip for ten seconds and I'm already on a P site. By that point it's all over. Feels awful seeing no progress or even negative progress over the years...

Anyways, anyone else having similar problem/experience/advice?
Click to expand...

I've been in a similar situation. My longest streak has been 45 days and that was quite a few years ago. There have been times when I've completely ignored Nofap and others where I've tried to stick to it and failed miserably.

At the moment, I'm in a good place in regards to Nofap, even though I'm only five days in on this streak. I feel focussed and ready for the challenge. That doesn't mean that I envisage myself as some sort of Gladiator roaring into battle; it's more of a realistic and reasonable approach, along with faith and the help of Jehovah.

What helps me is getting offline totally. That doesn't mean that I go days without the internet but I try to severely limit my use of it. I don't have any sort of software that blocks porn sites so I got rid of my smartphone and now use a basic phone instead. I leave devices like tablets and laptops in the downstairs at night. I've have a friend who used to put his devices in his car at night, just so it created a barrier and wasn't within easy reach.

These are just some ideas as to what can help you.

I wish you well.
 
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