Anyone else suffer from the nice guy syndrome and has overcome it?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Lazarus Shuttlesworth, Jan 17, 2016.

  1. I've always been told that I'm "too nice". Never thought that was a bad thing till I started realizing that certain girls were manipulating me. Took me a while but I've ended those toxic relationships. Anyways, I've been reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which I find to be interesting. Half way thru the book and I found some things I could relate to. I'm trying my best to stop being so much of a people pleaser b/c I'm aware of how unhealthy it is. I also need to be more assertive with girls!! The only time a girl gets wet around me is when she's crying on my shoulder. I'm the friend zoned all-time leading scorer. We all know that nice guys finish last.. During my long streaks I kinda do have this IDGAF attitude, kinda sorta but yeah anyone else on here also have the same problem and has overcome it? I'm thinking nofap should help
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2016
  2. yuri_ sing

    yuri_ sing Fapstronaut

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    Hahahhaha. Same here, brother.. Like exactly same. I did realise in time that letting a girl you don't know well on your shoulder means she will come to you when she wants to cry again. Same is for guys. That is the nature of selfish people. They can't resist our niceness, our utter acceptance of them, our shine. Its just abusive and manipulative. Girls will say you are so nice, don't ever change, you make us feel accepted. Guys will come to you when they fucked up with all their friends. Actually they simply want to feel validated in their lives, no matter how disgusting they might be. And they will keep coming back, until we stop being nice. There is nothing wrong with being nice, but I have stopped being present for people i should not be responsible for and who remember me only when nobody else is left. They will be fine.
    Yup, nofap helps in the way that it increases self esteem and you get rid of idiots.
     
  3. Temujin

    Temujin Fapstronaut

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    Honesty is probably the best cure for it. Nothing wrong with being a nice guy. But often a nice guy will feel taken advantage of and say nothing about it.

    I would say be honest. If you feel you are being taken advantage of build a barrier there. I think it's good to show you have some other emotions apart from placation.

    But being nice is good. Being a nice guy you are 80% there. Just need that 20% of backbone.
     
  4. DannyCool

    DannyCool Fapstronaut

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    You cant be free unless your nice. Put niceness or kindness together with NoFap and you have got the ultimate combination. NoFap for me increases my ability to help better by being kind but not getting involved with stuff that will bring me down.

    As regards women getting horny for me as a motivation for doing NoFap well yes I am guilty of that! Let them prove themselves to me and even then I would not be bothered. :) They are only looking to control me.
     
  5. nomo

    nomo Fapstronaut

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    It's good to be a nice guy/person, but don't confuse being nice with being a people-pleaser. People-pleasers put other peoples needs before their own to the point where people start to take advantage of them and people lose respect for them. Learn to listen to your instinct and then follow your instinct.
    Here's a terrible example, but I remember one-time when a girl asked me to carry her up a long flight of stairs on my back because she was tired. I almost did it, because I like a physical challenge and wanted to see if I could do it. However, it felt wrong that she would request this of me so I told her to get walking. Later when I was in bed with her, she told me if I had carried her up the steps she would have lost respect for me and I wouldn't have had sex with her. It's an awful example because she was a crappy person for testing me, but following my instinct allowed me to have self-respect and have sex with this sexy but self-centered girl. I guess in the end we both sort of used each other, but we also had fun in the process.
     
  6. Tank80

    Tank80 Fapstronaut

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    Knowing I'll have to deal with shit like this If I ever get to pursue/date women again makes me sick.
     
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  7. nomo

    nomo Fapstronaut

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    Agreed it was bullshit, but the main reason I was pursuing her was to have sex with her so I was somewhat guilty myself of having misguided reasons for pursuing her. Hopefully when you start dating women you will be doing it for the right reasons and the sex will be the bonus, not the sole reason for dating. I think that way you will be with a better quality of women.
     
  8. nomo

    nomo Fapstronaut

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    It's easy to fail a test when you don't know you are being tested, and that night I didn't know that she was testing me. However I do rely a lot on my instinct and I find the biggest regrets in my life have been when I don't follow my instincts. Back in the day when I was a sex crazed fool, I would allow my lust for sex to override my better judgement and instincts and I would lose my self-respect just for the chance to get laid. I'm glad those days are over. Once I took back my self-respect I found women started to pursue me much more than when I was chasing them. Funny how that works.
     
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  9. Dr. J

    Dr. J Fapstronaut

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    I can't really relate to the "nice" concept, I think of it more as being respectful, then letting nature take it's course after that. "Nice" implies pleasant, smiling, pushing in chairs and all this other stuff. I think instead I face people as an equal, with confidence but not cockiness. Being assertive but not aggressive. Cordial but not overly deferential. Then finding out if a girl likes humor, like to laugh, or a serious conversation, or small talk, or movies or sports, or whatever. Just flow - it's the beginning of a partnership, be who you are and do what you do.
     
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  10. Lmaoooo this song got me rolling!

    100%, I'm so used to being a people pleaser so it's gonna take time but at least I'm aware of this problem. I'm definetly gonna work on that.

    I need to be more assertive with girls. I remember one time this girl told me mid convo that I was so sweet and I'm like a sister to her o_O how does one get sisterzoned?! Lol I didn't know that was possible :(
     
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  11. Donquixote Doflamingo

    Donquixote Doflamingo Fapstronaut

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    Nice avi lazarus I loved Juice lol
    But tbh it all depends on the women, not gonna lie most of them don't like nice guys that chase them around and give them all they want.
    and @Gaston lmao dude i used to watch kevjumba waay back this brought memories
     
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  12. nomo

    nomo Fapstronaut

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    That was a perfect opportunity to tell her that "You are a like a sister with lesbian tendencies." Sister in the close girlfriend way, not like a relative sister, that would ruin everything if she thought you meant that.
     
  13. Lmaoooo if only I was that witty, I'll remember that if I get sisterzoned again tho.
     
  14. yuri_ sing

    yuri_ sing Fapstronaut

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    No way.. You don't get sisterzoned again.
     
  15. yuri_ sing

    yuri_ sing Fapstronaut

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    Yup , it is
     
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  16. Thechosenone

    Thechosenone Fapstronaut

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    Yeah. You just have to brainwash yourself with empowering info and you'll overcome it.

    There's a difference between being nice and being honest and congruent with how you truly feel. You become the nice guy when do act nicely and its not congruent with how u truly feel.

    I overcame it by:
    Reading 6 pillars of self esteem
    Watched advice from rsdtyler on YouTube
    Infinite waters diving deep on YouTube
    Elliot hulse on yt.

    All the best
     
    Lazarus Shuttlesworth likes this.
  17. powerd992

    powerd992 Fapstronaut

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    Don't know... I've never spoken up my needs before age 22, so I've still got a bit of work to do.
    By the way, words are powerful... I played the "asshole" at some point because I was so afraid that nobody would want me, that I almost drove every friend away.
    So, those guys who are happiest I think simply grow, and found passion outside girls. An "asshole" may get girls but he can also be suicidal. A "nice guy" can also get girls and still have plenty of friends who respects him. I don't have a girlfriend and had very few sexual experiences, and that used to cause me anxiety and grief. But lately I realized (thanks to, may I say, meditation and seeing that I am not those thoughts) that actually I can be happy without anybody. It is a Western thing to always look to "score" as many girls as possible, it doesn't make sense to me. If someone is a bit more shy, that's probably an excuse, but you can't address shyness only to get girls. You have to address the fears you have over truly expressing yourself, laughing, touching people,... that's called being human. I've just started laughing and stopping thinking about what other people think of me, but it's helping me a lot already. Harsh times still happen sometimes, that's how we understand that we have the CHOICE not to give in to unhappy thoughts.
     
  18. brad23

    brad23 Fapstronaut

    I can totally relate to you. All my life I have been a nice guy, most people liked me, some times even enemies were friends. Life goes mostly smooth. But you don't have opinion of your own, others opinion/views are your views, others passion is your passion,hecnce others life is your life. Basically you don't have life of your own. You always have nice things to say about others....but nothing nice about yourself. you always help others..but yourself.
    This was my life, there's nothing wrong in it...if this is how some one aspires to live !!!
    But the catch is that, you become very predictable, hence easily manipulated, other innate possibilities are curtailed, you have nothing to do by/for yourself, you become dependent on others, basically you lose yourself. You don't know who you are. You would be eternally unfulfilled, dissatisfied, perverted, dishonest, hypercritical etc.. Nothing wrong in it too..but again its a matter of choice..which life you want to live and who's life you want to live.

    I started Yoga and meditation this was a life changing experience, it taught me to be 100% honest and authentic to myself. Which in turn helped me to be honest and authentic with others. Also underwent many self developmental workshops, which shattered the fundamentals of my life. No doubt it wasn't easy at all to break out of the shell I was in. Firstly you yourself resist change, Secondly people around you(parents, close friends, relatives etc..) will make sure you don't change. They want you to be who they knew you in the past, they can't relate to you otherwise, they will get hurt etc....
    Nevertheless there are many layers/levels to it, it takes different life situation to explore them all.

    Coming to girls/woman, I suppose we must stop looking at girl as girls/things... Because the moment we start look at the other human as female, we start acting/reacting in a specific way(which is compulsive). Which is OK, but its more to do with the body, than the mind. As males to win over a female body is easy but to win over female mind is challenging. Once you won over the mind(any mind) winning over the body is just a consequence. So its very important to learn and understand Firstly "how the human mind/psychology works"...Secondly "whats specific to females mind/psychology".....
    This is my understanding as of now... I am working on myself on a daily basis..please let me know if there are other means to be more authentic and successful with people and in once life.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2016
  19. BackToManhood

    BackToManhood Fapstronaut

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    I struck out once with a girl I was in love with, because I was too nice for her.

    I was dumbfounded because I know she did consider me attractive enough, and that we both shared the same core values, so how could I be too nice for her?? If we both think it's good to be a good person??

    After that I really started to obsess over trying not to be a "Nice Guy". I figured I had to be a total jerk and stop caring about people in general. So I started being that jerk.

    Well this of course also has its consequences, and then I started to feel terrible about the way I was treating people just so I could look more appealing to a girl..

    In the end I decided FUCK IT, I'm not going to change who I am or how I act just because I want to get with women. I'm going to do the right thing and if they don't like it, I guess I'll just have to be single my whole life. I'd rather be single and emotionally stable and confident that I'm the person I should be, than to have a girl and yet be ashamed of being an asshole.

    Well, it turns out that this was the key - I just needed to stop caring about trying to be a certain way for girls, I just needed to be who I really believed I should be, no matter what they thought, because a girl isn't the purpose in life. Once I stopped caring about that girl's opinion of me, that's she came back and started flirting with me and showing interest in me. But I just said sorry, no thanks, and went with a different girl, a really good friend who had always stood by my side through the whole thing.

    You gotta realize what's really the most important in life, and it's not having a woman. What's really important is being the best version of yourself, according to your own beliefs.
     
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