Anyone else with PIED worries about love to the partner?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by bexx, Jul 4, 2018.

  1. bexx

    bexx Fapstronaut

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    Hello,

    Anyone else with P addiction has thoughts that his wife is not hot and sexy and pervert enough? Meanwhile I even start thinking about if I really love her or not.

    In the beginning I was totally high on the sex,
    but because of the delayed orgasmn and no orgasmn and PIED the motivation and the pleasant anticipation faded away and I do not really have drive to have sex with my wife anymore.

    Most fucks me up that I recently started to worry about if I really love her..

    When in reality when the sex would be nice I think everything wood be fine.

    To be honest 10 years solo. 2 times sex, then some prositutes. Now I found my angel last year and now she is not hot enough for me and I'm considering does it makes no sense anymore? My brain must be the most stupid computer in life?! how am I supposed to think that I now suddenly get the hottest and perver women in life? ??? Really pissed by myself....
     
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  2. Mike Bonanno

    Mike Bonanno Fapstronaut

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    I'm thinking this same thing myself also.

    I've been dating my girlfriend 3 months now and I've been on flatline this whole time, meaning that I haven't been able to orgasm with her even once because of my delayed orgasm and erectile dysfunction. At the beginning I was really high on dating with her and having a girlfriend, but in last month or so I've been questioning that do I really love her or what she really brings on my life. At first I thought I loved her but now I'm not sure about anything anymore. Logic says she's the perfect girl for me; beautiful, smart and even shares my fetishes, but this inability to achieve orgasm has gotten me thinking whether I love her or not? I have also started to avoid having sex because to me it's more like a chore I have to do for her before I can go to sleep, not something I look forward to.

    At this point I've been thinking that my lack of arousal is caused by my porn addiction and flatline, but this uncertainty really eats my confidence and feelings for her. I think that all I can do is wait for this flatline to end and see if things gets better or not. I have something like 10 days to go when I reach that 90-day mark, but I have started to think that my healing might take a whole lot longer than 90 days.

    I really don't know what to do. I've confessed my addiction to her and that I'm on Nofap trying to heal myself, so next logical thing would be talking to some sex therapist and see what suggestions he/she might have.
    Actually... I just realized that I have to tell her how I feel about our sex life and how it's effecting on my feelings towards her. That way she might be able to help somehow, and if things go completely sideways, our breakup won't be total surprise to her...
     
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  3. SpiritVessel

    SpiritVessel Fapstronaut

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    Until you get over your addiction, no one woman will be enough for your unhealthy understanding of attraction/desire. Love is so much deeper than lust/sex/orgasm.

    Is the woman in your life your best friend? Can you tell her anything? Do you want her to feel the same way? Do you work to make her feel loved, secure, safe?

    ^ These are the questions that matter. Not “can I orgasm with her?”. The orgasms you aren’t having don’t have anything to do with her. They have to do with the addiction cycle based on the Coolidge effect as well as the mis-treatment and negative impact of the rewiring of your reward center from the time you were PMOing.

    Have you shared with your SO what you’re going through? Have you opened up and allowed yourself to be vulnerable to her? Love doesn’t come from sex with orgasms or finding your partner “hot enough”. Quite the opposite: Good sex comes from intimacy and a healthy loving relationship.
     
  4. bexx

    bexx Fapstronaut

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    yes, yes,yes and yes. With the exception that I cannot talk about this. How much would it hurt her, or what Kind of stone it will get rolling when I tell her I worry If I love her enough and that I feel I need some hotter girl for sex? I guess this would destroy and hurt her feelings very much I do not want to tell her that really. However I also feel that she feels that something is in my mind lately...
     
  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    My husband used to find me beautiful. Then he found porn and saturated his brain with edited, photoshopped women and then refused sex with me because I was not attractive to him anymore. I didn't turn him on like his "favourites". I had no clue why he looked at me like I was disgusting as he lied for years about PMO. All I knew was that he looked at me like I was ugly, never complimented me, and passive aggrssively insulted my appearance. I wasted my youth on a man who was chasing women who don't exist.

    Now that he is PMO free he can't believe how beautiful I am. But I fear that is too late for our marriage as he caused so much damage to our connection and my self esteem.

    You men do understand that the "perfection" on the screen doesn't exist in real life don't you? The images of women you lust after are heavily edited after pounds of makeup, fake hair, surgery. and careful posing. Videos too have filters, posing and editing to remove "imperfections". None of your fantasy women look in real life like how they do on screens.Yet you fault your woman because she "isn't attractive anymore".

    You are comparing the woman you once loved and who loves you with something that doesn't even exist.

    Now imagine watching yourself sitting there masturbating to a screen. How manly and sexy do you appear? Are you really such a great catch?

    Your woman deserves more than this. Way more.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2018
  6. Personally, I have no interest in perfection.
    I like to see a little stubble or messed up hair. Not a fan of makeup. But then again the porn I looked for was the talking and undressing and interaction aspects of porn rather than the having sex part which I rarely watched or fast fwded. So I’m probably not the demographic you’re talking about.
     
  7. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Yes you are a different animal :) Men like my husband chased perfection and it warped reality. They believe the lie that porn sells-that the grass is greener on the other side.
     
  8. SpiritVessel

    SpiritVessel Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Sadgirl for bringing in a female perspective. I especially like the part about how sexy a PA is when Ming at a computer screen. And the grass is greener metaphor. I find the grass is greener where it is best cared for.

    So, @bexx are you “watering” your marriage lawn or only your PMO lawn? Are you willing to let your PMO lawn dry out and die for the sake of the health of your marriage lawn?

    How long have you been addicted? How long have you been married? How long have you been PMO free?
    It that last question has the shortest time as the answer, I’d say give this process more time.

    Also... You can talk about this with her without making it about her. “I’m sorry that I’m not currently feeling desirous of healthy, intimate, sexual experiences together. My addiction had seeped further into my understanding of healthy sexuality than I had realized.” Then she has something to associate to the feeling that something is going on. And I’ll bet she will support you in your recovery.

    And then work on YOURSELF. Don’t place blame on the woman you married. That’s a cop-out. If you are waiting for a woman who is “hot enough” to arouse you while your addiction is still being fed and not dealt with, you’ll never find it. Or you might, but it will eventually not be enough either.

    Your wife is beautiful and sexy, and I’ve never seen her. All women are. Us PAs have just raised the bar we believe they should reach... and raised it to an unattainable level.

    Let go of the fantasy, there is a real woman in your life who committed to be with you for life. That has to mean SOMETHING to you.
     
  9. LOL @Sadgirl.
    Yea, every guy should take a selfie of him with his pants around his ankles and his penis in his hand looking at porn and use that as his dating site pic.
    At least the girls will know whst they are signing up for.
    ;)
     
  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I am getting so tired of reading about men who just can't find "the perfect girl" because they have such high standards and "deserve a 10". Well even the "10s" won't be "10s" in real life. And even if she was close, no girl wants a guy who whacks his life away at a computer.
     
  11. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Yeah seriously! Had I known my husband would turn out a PA, I would never have signed on the dotted line!
     
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  12. bexx

    bexx Fapstronaut

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    To be honest the beginning of the thread was very helpful for me but the latest posts make me angry.

    I'm coming here seeking for help and community and the latest posts are offensive against men with pmo problems and like you queening me..
     
  13. SpiritVessel

    SpiritVessel Fapstronaut

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    You are free to follow and apply the advice that helps and ignore the advice that upsets you. You can even block specific people on the forums and never see their content again.

    But consider that if it makes you angry, it might be more important than you initially think. If it is completely and utterly untrue and doesn’t apply to you, it should roll off you like nothing. If it’s that upsetting, maybe it’s because the truth you’ve been denying is hard to accept.

    Example: if you felt bad about being short and I commented that short men are bad lovers, it might anger you. But if you take pride in your height (regardless of being short or tall), it wouldn’t matter to you what others say about short men.

    One big difference is that your addiction is something you have the power to change. So if it makes you angry that people are making comments about PMOers, stop being one.
     
  14. SpiritVessel

    SpiritVessel Fapstronaut

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    Sex is natural and healthy. It releases dopamine and oxitosin. PMO changes the brain’s capacity to release and metabolize theses neurotransmitters. Once you remove the PMO, and heal those neural pathways and chemical balance, any and all sex will be nice.
     
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  15. SpiritVessel

    SpiritVessel Fapstronaut

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    @GhostWriter - preach, brother!

    I’ve seen a few of your posts/replies before and appreciate your take on this process as a lifestyle. Thanks for joining this conversation.
     
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  16. bexx

    bexx Fapstronaut

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    Really I'm not impressed. I know by myself what I need to do. Or what the community says I need to do. I dont need some one who is not in my position talking condescendingly what I need to do to be a better person or solve my problems. Everysthing you wrote is written 1000x times in 1000 forums ebooks etc.... nothing new..

    I mainly asked for people with PMO "Anyone else with PIED worries about love to the partner?" not hey guys I got worries if I love my girl anymore, can you pls destroy my self image and give me an image I'm chasing after for the next 3 years.

    You talk about self love. How shall a person who is coming in a self help forum start loving himself when he constantly gets said what he does wrong and what he needs to do to be good or normal.

    I'm generally fascinated about what you do here, when you have no problems in life? 1xxx forum postings? Are you training your writting skills? Your teaching skills? Are you training your persuasion skills and planning to open an own site?

    I'm not in the internet community since yesterday I was a member of several different forums and saw the same habits again and again. I read a lot. And I saw a lot of people with on credability trying to teach people who are seeking for help utter bullshit. So pls be patient with me if I'm sceptical.
     
  17. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Addiction related brain changes really are real! It is fascinating and frightening at the same time.
     
  18. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Everyone who has responded to you wants to help you! I understand your defensiveness-it is really so difficult to look at self and see deficiencies and problems that you caused. Addicts live in denial (blaming others, rationalizing, justification etc etc ) and these mechanisms are really difficult to understand and to see objectively. But everyone here has either been in your shoes so to speak or has been affected by a man with PA and has been there. I hope that you can continue to dig deep, learn about how this addiction affects not just you but your loved ones, and heal.
     
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  19. bulmalovesdota

    bulmalovesdota Fapstronaut

    Poor him, I wish he knows how lucky he is. I dont know your face, not yet but your soul is a gem. I can see that by the way you care for us like real friends on this site. May I ask how old is he?
     
  20. bulmalovesdota

    bulmalovesdota Fapstronaut

    Really detail.
    when you see a long comment, it must from @GhostWriter
     
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