Anyone has this socialising problem?

R

RapidGapid

New Fapstronaut
I am new here, I just want to check in the community whether anyone has this experience whereby you can't be yourself around a certain type of girls and sometimes guys that intimidate you in your mind?


for example, I have had times where I sat across a female co-worker but I just can't think of anything to say, my neck feels tense and my mind goes blank. Some days I have to prepare topics before had to prepare for lunchtime, which is quite ridiculous.

Does anyone have this experience?? Let me know if you need me to elaborate to be more clear
 
RapidGapid said:
have had times where I sat across a female co-worker but I just can't think of anything to say, my neck feels tense and my mind goes blank. Some days I have to prepare topics before had to prepare for lunchtime, which is quite ridiculous.

Does anyone have this experience?? Let me know if you need me to elaborate to be more clear
Click to expand...

Yeah i used to have that issue . Trying to think of something to say mind going blank classic symptoms of being a NICE GUY PEOPLE PLEASER. I used to sit around all the time trying to think of what to say to get women interested in me and go out with me . STOP PUTTING WOMEN ON A PEDESTOL AND JUST TALK TO THEM AND BY THAT TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
 
So you managed to overcome it? However, for me, I'm not trying to get women interested in me or go out with me, at that point in time I was really just trying to fit into the group of co-workers since we have to go for lunch every workday.

There was one time where I was out for a family dinner with relatives and cousins. From my conversations with them, i get the vibe that the cousins, mostly females and a male just see me as someone hard to talk to. I get this a lot but mostly with girls and sometimes guys.


Might be my own mind making me reject myself first before they reject me as a defence mechanism
 
RapidGapid said:
Might be my own mind making me reject myself first before they reject me as a defence mechanism
Click to expand...
Correct, the big thing i learned was to talk about WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT not everyone is great with conversations in fact i found out by putting myself out there is people are more comfortable with you geting the ball started by talking about whatever you want and they will comment on it. Stop overthinking it
 
RapidGapid said:
I am new here, I just want to check in the community whether anyone has this experience whereby you can't be yourself around a certain type of girls and sometimes guys that intimidate you in your mind?


for example, I have had times where I sat across a female co-worker but I just can't think of anything to say, my neck feels tense and my mind goes blank. Some days I have to prepare topics before had to prepare for lunchtime, which is quite ridiculous.

Does anyone have this experience?? Let me know if you need me to elaborate to be more clear
Click to expand...

Okay man i feel you. I'm the kind of guy who's super shy and introverted and uncomfortable around people in general. I'm sorry to tell you this. I think you already know that, but you're not going to change by looking online for advice. The only thing that can change your life is TAKING ACTION.
If you are socially uncomfortable, you should voluntarily put yourself in social situations on a regular basis (after the quarantine). If you want to be more successful with women, you will have to get out of your comfort zone and talk to girls you like.

It's like learning an instrument or starting a sport. You don't know how it works in the beginning, but it's by taking action, failing and questioning yourself that you learn.
You have to overcome your fear despite all your limiting beliefs, even if it hurts at first.

There is no magic pill.
 
While all the above pieces of advice are good and valid.. I would like to add a bit..
I am an introvert too. And I feel like that too all the times.. I started to change and be more "extrovert" and social.. I learnt that..
1. You can't change who you are..
2. Adapt as much as you need..
3. Know and accept yourself.
4. Learn how to be comfortable with yourself.

I am not saying you are introvert and need to accept yourself... No.. I am just saying.. First know yourself.. Then make a plan.
Best of luck out there..
 
....... said:
While all the above pieces of advice are good and valid.. I would like to add a bit..
I am an introvert too. And I feel like that too all the times.. I started to change and be more "extrovert" and social.. I learnt that..
1. You can't change who you are..
2. Adapt as much as you need..
3. Know and accept yourself.
4. Learn how to be comfortable with yourself.

I am not saying you are introvert and need to accept yourself... No.. I am just saying.. First know yourself.. Then make a plan.
Best of luck out there..
Click to expand...
people can change
 
....... said:
People can.. Nature can't .. Everyone is born with goodness.. But tweaked in different ways.. This is the beauty of this whole world. 7 billion different people.
Click to expand...
true but life can change you in ways you can't even imagine
 
....... said:
People can.. Nature can't .. Everyone is born with goodness.. But tweaked in different ways.. This is the beauty of this whole world. 7 billion different people.
Click to expand...
It's a limiting belief.

I was the shyest, least comfortable talking to strangers you can imagine. I decided that this had to change instead of saying "Oh that's nature, you can't change, just accept who you are and be yourself". That's bullshit to me. It's an excuse not to work on yourself. That's what losers say in their head all the time.

You can change. If you get out of your comfort zone and you do things that other people don't do. If you fail and if you question yourself. If you persevere.

Introversion is a personality trait. So, yes, you'll always be an introvert. And for me, introversion is a strength.

But if you're not comfortable with people, if you find it hard to dare to talk to someone you find attractive, If you want to face your fears to become free, if you'd like to assume your sexuality, if you're tired of looking like a weirdo when you're around people, if you want to have that social intelligence that allows you to be respected, to be proud of yourself, if you want to know who you are and stop acting according to others but what you really want deep down inside. That's possible. It takes work and it's a long-term process. But it's possible. It takes motivation. Becoming socially comfortable is the hardest thing for me to develop. but it's the most important thing to accomplish.

There's no magic pill. You can't accept yourself like that, it's not that easy. You have to take action, get out of your comfort zone.

The one who says he can't change and he should accept himself as he is and the one who says he can change and says he'll do everything he can to achieve that goal, you know what, they're both right.
 
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RapidGapid said:
I am new here, I just want to check in the community whether anyone has this experience whereby you can't be yourself around a certain type of girls and sometimes guys that intimidate you in your mind?


for example, I have had times where I sat across a female co-worker but I just can't think of anything to say, my neck feels tense and my mind goes blank. Some days I have to prepare topics before had to prepare for lunchtime, which is quite ridiculous.

Does anyone have this experience?? Let me know if you need me to elaborate to be more clear
Click to expand...
The reason you cant think of anything what to say is because you worry and are thinking of stuff to say and are not paying attention to whats happening around you, you do not have to say anything so dont worry about it, stop thinking period. just be in the moment and for god sake try to have fun and put out good energy.

if you have somthing to say it otherwise just get on with eating lunch, working or whatever you got to do.
 
SomthingsGot2Give said:
The reason you cant think of anything what to say is because you worry and are thinking of stuff to say and are not paying attention to whats happening around you, you do not have to say anything so dont worry about it, stop thinking period. just be in the moment and for god sake try to have fun and put out good energy.

if you have somthing to say it otherwise just get on with eating lunch, working or whatever you got to do.
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You're right.But that advice isn't going to help him. If he's in this situation, it's because he has blockages, limiting beliefs that keep him from being in the present moment.

It's not that easy. If he really wants to change, he must make efforts to get out of his comfort zone and voluntarily put himself in situations where he will fail. That's how we learn. It is not by reading X books that he will change or by looking for advice on the internet to apply them directly. It doesn't work like that. Theory without practice is useless. I would even say that taking action should account for 90% of the work.

the problem goes deeper than that.
 
Shivy490 said:
You're right.But that advice isn't going to help him. If he's in this situation, it's because he has blockages, limiting beliefs that keep him from being in the present moment.

It's not that easy. If he really wants to change, he must make efforts to get out of his comfort zone and voluntarily put himself in situations where he will fail. That's how we learn. It is not by reading X books that he will change or by looking for advice on the internet to apply them directly. It doesn't work like that. Theory without practice is useless. I would even say that taking action should account for 90% of the work.

the problem goes deeper than that.
Click to expand...
I believe its pretty solid advice, but yes its just advice, if he doesnt implement it he will learn nothing.
 
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Hayeee.. I never said that.. You can't change.. Or being introvert is a bad thing.. I meet and talk to approximately thousands of people in a year for my work.. And I do that.. Because I did learn.. How to..

I never meant it as a negative thing.. I actually said that all above advices are important.. What I meant was.. Learn the tricks.. But before that.. Learn yourself. And plan according to yourself. Every person need his/her own flavour to his "changing plan" and before making that plan.. Understand your own flavor.. That is what I meant.. :)
 
....... said:
Hayeee.. I never said that.. You can't change.. Or being introvert is a bad thing.. I meet and talk to approximately thousands of people in a year for my work.. And I do that.. Because I did learn.. How to..

I never meant it as a negative thing.. I actually said that all above advices are important.. What I meant was.. Learn the tricks.. But before that.. Learn yourself. And plan according to yourself. Every person need his/her own flavour to his "changing plan" and before making that plan.. Understand your own flavor.. That is what I meant.. :)
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Yes i understand what you meant :)

But you learned by doing it right. There are so many excuses given by content. "I don’t know enough yet", "I haven’t read the book from x guy, I can’t still do it", "It won’t come out as good if I don’t see that video first", "I need to know myself first". What i mean is that you should not become a knowledge collector. The content itself is not the result. The result is what happens when you apply and take action.

You can't learn yourself if you don't take action and start if your imperfections.
 
RapidGapid said:
I am new here, I just want to check in the community whether anyone has this experience whereby you can't be yourself around a certain type of girls and sometimes guys that intimidate you in your mind?


for example, I have had times where I sat across a female co-worker but I just can't think of anything to say, my neck feels tense and my mind goes blank. Some days I have to prepare topics before had to prepare for lunchtime, which is quite ridiculous.

Does anyone have this experience?? Let me know if you need me to elaborate to be more clear
Click to expand...

I can highly relate to that. And I've experienced it to the extreme a few years ago - Up until my early twenties, there could go whole days without me talking to anyone. I think I might've actually so dreaded of interaction with people that I tried to keep it as minimal as possible. Many things had happened since then that had changed me, mostly for the better. Although, I'm still struggling with it, and I often find it hard to instantly speak the thoughts that come to my mind, because I think those thoughts "aren't good enough". So yeah, right now I'm very much like what you describe, struggling to fit in conversation with people. The only thing I'm grateful about is that I've found some good friends that most of the times I speak openly around them.

Along the way I often used to feel bad about myself and about my "weird behaviour". It shouldn't be this way, and I found out what @....... said is very true:
....... said:
1. You can't change who you are..
2. Adapt as much as you need..
3. Know and accept yourself.
4. Learn how to be comfortable with yourself.
Click to expand...

Somehow I got the idea that introverts are odd people who can't fit in, and that I should change myself.
I can try to behave differently but I can't change who I really am. There's also nothing wrong with being an introvert it's just a type of character like any other.
So well said @.......
 
RapidGapid said:
I am new here, I just want to check in the community whether anyone has this experience whereby you can't be yourself around a certain type of girls and sometimes guys that intimidate you in your mind?


for example, I have had times where I sat across a female co-worker but I just can't think of anything to say, my neck feels tense and my mind goes blank. Some days I have to prepare topics before had to prepare for lunchtime, which is quite ridiculous.

Does anyone have this experience?? Let me know if you need me to elaborate to be more clear
Click to expand...

I know exactly what you mean mate!
Many times though (but not every), I have noticed women like that are usually of the complicated, insecure or tense/plagued kind that you don't click with at all, no matter what you do or say.
If there is one thing I have noticed both prior and post PMO, women who you never feel comfortable around (not even after they have opened up a little) or that have something fishy/strange around them are those you shouldn't waste your time being around. If you never feel comfortable or relaxed around them, don't go around dwelling too much about what might be wrong about you/her but rather continue on with your life instead.
So many men these days try so hard pleasing women who aren't even their type in the first place that they end up miserable sooner or later (either through heartbreak or exhaustion by trying to please them). There is always plenty and much better fish in the sea.
 
i recommend you to read the book 3% man, its been an eye opener for me,
also if you have trouble socializing, i recommend you do the following: go out everyday, no exceptions. jogging is great, it boosts your health and you also get to interact with people. when you are out, give yourself the task to interact with people. start small. for instance, say hello. smile at them. at first it might feel weird for you, but i promise, when you do this for several days, it becomes part of who you are to interact with strangers, and also what you will learn is that 99 percent of people you meet and greet are very nice aswell. when you do this 2 things i promise your life will change. it did for me. if you need someone to talk to, you can always pm me. again: get this book.
 
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