Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by onceaking, Jul 18, 2019.

  1. onceaking

    onceaking Fapstronaut

    Isn't an apology for a PA porn viewing meaninglessy if they're going to keep looking at it?

    A friend posted this on Facebook:


    And it got me thinking maybe we apologise far too quickly? Maybe we say sorry without thinking about what it truly means? I think many of us apologise because we feel bad but not due to being truly sorry. If you were truly sorry about your viewing of porn you'd stop looking at it?

    I know it's hard. It's a struggle for me but I know if I were to apologise for my porn addiction my words would be meaningless at the end of the day if I go back to it. It's one reason why I refuse to get into a relationship until I have have at the very least have gone a year without porn. Maybe one should go a year without porn until they say sorry? What good is an apology if you're going to relapse soon after it?
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
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  2. onceaking

    onceaking Fapstronaut

    What do SO think about this? Would you rather an apology if the PA is truly done with porn or are you ok with an apology where they go back to porn?
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  3. I appreciate and accept an apology when my husband messes up and truly understands how/why and means the apology.

    Otherwise it is manipulation/guilt trip.
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  4. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Well this is where the 12 Step practice of amends become relevant. Apologies is kind of just the beginning if anything, but we even teach kids to say the words, perhaps reluctantly as if that's all there is to it - so effectively treating it as the end of it rather than the beginning. (but I understand if they are not yet psychologically sophisticated enough to get real remorse) If we look up apology, amends and recovery we can easily find specific stuff like direct amends vs. living amends.

    Talk is cheap. People can also say "thank you" without there being a deep sense of gratitude or anything either. And just as amends, especially something like a living amends involves action so does living with a sense of gratitude - both probably involves a sense of service somehow.

    And lets just go all the way with this thread of thought, it naturally leads to the subject of forgiveness doesn't it? That could be a discussion in itself but there are a few distinctions:

    • Accepting the apology without forgiveness
    • Accepting with forgiveness
    • Non-interpersonal framing - not seen as a one on one relationship (so likely not going to happen in a romantic relationship)
    We're all aware that in order to be the good person the other is supposed to take the second position above as a standard, but again saying the words "I forgive you" - which may perhaps even be felt in the moment doesn't necessarily mean it is always going to be the case. That doesn't mean one cannot have appreciation for the gesture but if being honest, (1st) and because it did create a wounding they can't really "just" forgive - this is just being realistic.

    The last one which most people are probably not even interested in or would consider too subtle is actually where one may consider "your part" (even as the one wronged) as when they do an inventory in 12 Step, but with a difference. Essentially it is to look at the entire context rather than even framing it as a "moral" inventory framed as right and wrong. So what it may look like is someone come to appreciate how messed up another is due to their upbringing, history, environment and all that and they accept that this individual is just part of that whole context and accept that as an understandable manifestation of the dysfunctional social fabric out there, but as you can imagine chances are they are not really all that invested in trying to have them as a partner at that point. They can understand this is a deeply messed up person with a messed up life history, and as such have a real appreciation for that predicament - but chances are they don't want that life to be a part of their life. This is after all a dispassionate and objective view by nature, and not so much a "make nice" kind of disposition. Of the three frankly it is also the most clear-eyed that just looks to see what is actually so in the situation without some idealistic/obligatory moral onus one way or the other. If you've read this far, I'll say it is basically a detailed view of interdependence.
  5. jpswife

    jpswife New Fapstronaut


    I knew about my husbands use of porn from his late wife’s diary. At that time/those days porn was only on TV/cable/magazines-she passed away from cancer and we started dating later that same year-he told me he had some “kinks” but Fifty Shades was out and it was kind of exciting-I still was not aware of his online chat presence. He broke his ankle and while he napped I found his iPad open to a person he was communicating with via email out of state. I lite him up and he said he would stop-over the 4 years since his porn use has got significant to the recent point where he is on daily. I confronted him and asked if he thought he had a problem-“maybe-I don’t know.” Well in my business-ER nurse-that is a good indication. He had been sexually distant-emotionally distant-so I looked and found he had been on daily almost for at least the last 2 months. He said he would stop and was definitely more present-but last night he was unable to orgasm-usually has to masterbate to get there any way-but not even that got him there-so I am here.
  6. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    Being sorry and behaving sorry are different. If you care enough to feel sorry, then you should make the effort to behave sorry and make a change.

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