Approval of father.

Deleted Account · Jul 18, 2020

Hi,

so this is a different topic but I feel does tie in with (my) Nofap journey. Basically my relationship with my dad. He is quite distant and not easy to approach. For a specific example that came up not too long ago, he didn't even look at or atleast briefly touch my book type of work that I had written over months and months and months, when I came home with it.

This was essently the biggest accomplishment of my life. I had relapsed so often because I was overwhelmed with this work, to just give you an idea.
I'm kinda taken a back by his unwillingless to give me (or any other of my sucess moments) even a second of attention.
Especially since he is an extrovert and a people person and doesn't struggle with social anxiety or anything like that.

I despised him for many years. And subcobsciously disliked men and masculinity in general (because my initial contact with a man (my father) was bad.
But I realized I am a man (as funny as that may sound) aswell. And subcobsciously looked past the past and gave him a chance so to say. Because I realized that I was sacrificing my my life force, my masculinity. And reclaiming it, I believe, will change my life for the better.

But I'm realizing or atleast thinking my father will probably always be cold to me and anything I achieve, even if I'm the only one in my family to achieve a certain goal.

This comes with sadness. There is a voice in my head saying why even bother. His rejection essently, makes me feel invisible. And makes me angry.

I have never seen the show and just watched compilations/fandom on youtube but I wish I had a father like Ragnar Lothbrok. Tough but loving his children. I feel like I'm Ivar the boneless. But atleast Ivar got an accepting father.

two-face · Jul 18, 2020

Fathers are just people. They loom large in our lives, but they are just ordinary people with flaws. I know next to nothing of you or your family, but it sounds to me like maybe he's just not cut out for fatherhood. People are inherently selfish, and kids take up a lot of time and take away a lot of freedom from their parents. Don't necessarily take his rejection as a sign that there is something wrong with you, it might just be a sign that there's something wrong with him.

Deleted Account · Jul 19, 2020

two-face said: ↑

Fathers are just people. They loom large in our lives, but they are just ordinary people with flaws. I know next to nothing of you or your family, but it sounds to me like maybe he's just not cut out for fatherhood. People are inherently selfish, and kids take up a lot of time and take away a lot of freedom from their parents. Don't necessarily take his rejection as a sign that there is something wrong with you, it might just be a sign that there's something wrong with him.
Click to expand...

Just people. With mistakes. That's true.
I was recently told "Your parents must be proud of you." which kinda came as a shock to me. So maybe I'm doing something right after all.
Even though PMO addiction has almost drowned me in shame in the past and made me not see right from wrong. I'm 14 days in today, and definitely want to move forward with me life.

To report a brief success strory here in 2 weeks would be amazing. I would be especially proud for surpassing my highest streak of 60 days which was last year. Anyways thanks for reading.

IbrahimViking · Jul 19, 2020

Your father isn't the source of your self-satisfaction, of your worth, of your self-respect and feeling of achievement. A very loving, exceptionally supportive father, whom you don't have, is a CHANNEL of those positive feelings you want to have, but not the source either.
Thank your father, in your mind, for giving you one lesson you will always cherish: you are not here to please him, or anybody. You did not come to Earth to impress him, or anybody. Nor is he here to be different in order for you to feel better. This may sound harsh, but in truth this is your declaration of independence. Let him off the hook, and give up on trying to impress the unimpressable. It doesn't matter why he doesn't show his interest, what matters is that this makes you yourself want to be a different, more loving father to your kids.
You don't only want your dad's approval - in fact, it goes deeper: you want him to show his approval so that YOU feel something as a result of that. Surpass that crutch. As soon as you feel accomplished yourself, his opinion will not matter, and your relationship may improve.
Remember that you are an evolved version of your parents, you are here on Earth so they can learn from you - not only you from them.
You sound like a fine, solid gentleman who is clear on what he wants - so have what you want. The need to feel like you are of value, to feel that you are well-accomplished is a valid need, just don't ask for it to be fulfilled by a person who has failed in doing so, over and over.

Deleted Account · Jul 19, 2020

IbrahimViking said: ↑

Your father isn't the source of your self-satisfaction, of your worth, of your self-respect and feeling of achievement. A very loving, exceptionally supportive father, whom you don't have, is a CHANNEL of those positive feelings you want to have, but not the source either.
Thank your father, in your mind, for giving you one lesson you will always cherish: you are not here to please him, or anybody. You did not come to Earth to impress him, or anybody. Nor is he here to be different in order for you to feel better. This may sound harsh, but in truth this is your declaration of independence. Let him off the hook, and give up on trying to impress the unimpressable. It doesn't matter why he doesn't show his interest, what matters is that this makes you yourself want to be a different, more loving father to your kids.
You don't only want your dad's approval - in fact, it goes deeper: you want him to show his approval so that YOU feel something as a result of that. Surpass that crutch. As soon as you feel accomplished yourself, his opinion will not matter, and your relationship may improve.
Remember that you are an evolved version of your parents, you are here on Earth so they can learn from you - not only you from them.
You sound like a fine, solid gentleman who is clear on what he wants - so have what you want. The need to feel like you are of value, to feel that you are well-accomplished is a valid need, just don't ask for it to be fulfilled by a person who has failed in doing so, over and over.
Click to expand...

Thank you very much for the thorough reply. There are so many invaluable reminders in there. I will save it as a screenshot.

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