Are my boyfriend's sexual urges normal/acceptable?

Well, I am not an SO nor am I a recovered addict, but hopefully I can offer something here. Note that no matter what anyone here says, you should take it with a grain of salt. None of us are going through what you are and it's easy to judge being on the outside of the situation.

Giving up seems a little hasty as 3 years is a decent amount of time to have sunk into a relationship, which tells me it's worth saving. He hasn't necessarily done anything immoral here and you did force it out of him. I've seen much worse circumstances that could've warranted a break-up, so I really don't think (but again, your choice) you should do that. And you love him and want to be with him. A lot of people, even on here, wish they could find the same. According to you, he's quit porn and masturbation and actively tries not to look at other women, so it's not like he doesn't make an effort. Now this:

Is a little confusing. For me, I define an urge as a very concious and strong desire to do something (in fact, the dictionary definition agrees with me). Porn/masturbation addicts deal with them all the time, we can feel that we really want to do something, to the point where not doing it could be causing discomfort, and we know that by doing it, the urge passes. My point is if he's not feeling this, this sounds more like just a passing thought than anything else, which everybody has. Yes, "men have needs" and "men are sexual creatures" are true statements, but this is true in women too, and men, while we might simply look at other women, in my opinion, the best kind of relationship is always when the two partners involved desire each other the most instead of other people. Considering he actually only wants to have sex with you, that sounds like an "urge" for you and only you. And then here:

To me, it sounds like you are special and important to him. Still, your feelings are understandable, though, that's a weird thing to say. Maybe he chose the wrong word or something. Does he know it hurt hearing that? I think that's a good place to start, if he doesn't. I understand wanting to be the sole desire of your partner, I think everyone wants to be heavily desired by their partner the most. Having a supportive and attentive partner is something a lot of us porn addicts here wish to have someday. I believe him when he says he wouldn't just throw that away and it's fantastic he has a woman in his life he seems to care about a lot and has made great progress in his own journey. He may still be recovering from the fact that porn gives a lot of "options" to the viewer. With porn, old habits can be hard to break and this could just be one of them.

 

It sounds to me like maybe he is still fantasizing? This is one of the harder things for porn/sex addict to let go or stop. All people notice attractive people. It’s when it goes beyond noticing that it becomes problematic. My husband still struggles with fantasy, he’s been working recovery for almost 4 years now. It can take a very long time ( years) for urges to leave, but they do get less and less. Long term recovery is considered 5 years clean. This addiction is harder and more problematic than others in terms of an intimate relationship because of how it makes you feel. Are there men who don’t use, objectify and lust after women? Yes of course, I know many. Should you leave? That’s a decision only you can make. You are not unreasonable to want him to give all his sexual energy to you. Will he be able to do that? Idk.

 

I am glad you liked it. I'm also glad he's aware and apologized. Now to me, he sounds like a decent guy who's just a victim of porn addiction. I don't know if it'll be broken, but there's a chance it will if he continues to actively work against his addiction. Fruits of labor and all that. Perhaps that's part of being in a relationship with someone, you learn to take a chance and have faith things will work out. Which I hope happens for the both of you.

 

He is 31. I guess he was into addiction for almost 2 decades roughly. Our minds are trained to fantasize and ''objectify'' the women (literally every women when addiction crosses it's ethical limits) more than normal. He did not say that the urges come to the level of 'conscious thought'. I think he is trying himself to fight the thoughts. Considering the long time he has been addicted, it will take time. If you feel that whatever he says is a truth, then give him more time. Off course the decision is yours.

By the way he is so lucky to have a girl and who loves him so much.

 

I know almost nothing about your situation but it could be that he's not communicating this very well. No matter how good looking one's partner is, you'll still probably find others attractive, even if you'd never consider pursuing those people. That being said though, the decades of P addiction have probably left their mark and I think you're in a better position than I am to determine what's correct

 

You're right - what the fuck does that mean? Does he measure his brainwaves and multiply by time?

It happens that people drop the filter and say out loud truths that they'd prefer to keep hidden. It happens equally often that people get brain farts and say things that are completely false or don't even make sense.

If you got this from a single conversation I wouldn't place much weight on it, yet. Try to investigate further.

 

Sadly i was the same with my previous girlfriend. I think it's related to the addiction, you just switch the addiction to real girls. Allways wanting new and more to get the fix, the novelty as your just wrote. For me that's strongly linked to the addiction, it pretty much go hand in hand. Are you sure he is off the addiction? For me alot of these stuff goes away when the addiction goes away.

The view on sex and women changes and gets restored far more easily than the physical damage caused by it(ed, no/low libido), atleast for me.

 

He will always be an addict. His brain can heal, but it requires a lot of work, a lot of life changes, and a lot of time. My husband was clean 4 years, relapsed, clean a year relapsed got worse every year for 17 years. Clean a year( I thought it was a year and a half because he was still working recovery, should never listen to him, just my gut) clean a little over 19 months now. He has a polygraph coming up to confirm but I think he’s being honest, just can never be 100% sure with an addict.

 

Only 31 and daily PMO for decades? Wow, well that's...well it's just a lot. But full recovery is possible, I have to have faith in that for myself and so many on here, we fight this fight together.

Part of recovery for any addiction is "complete honesty", which can be hurtful to others if not filtered. But there might be more to it than bad communication skills, this level of honesty from him, combined with so many thoughts of other women, would have me asking the same questions you are if I were you. I wouldn't presume to advise you on a course of action, but you're asking the right questions, and I hope you get wisdom here.

As for looking, and again I'm being brutally honest here, the way women dress now it's difficult NOT to look. I mean seriously, skin tight yoga pants at the grocery store, what the heck?

 

My heart goes out to him. Even after ages without porn I still find these kind of conversations so so frightening. I feel like I am in an exam facing a multi-choice question where each answer is wrong. I want to be honest with my wife but I also know that if I do not word my answers extremely carefully I'll say something that will hurt her and take years (or even decades) to repair. It's making me anxious just reading your post.

 

It’s specialized polygraph. I’ve taken 3 regular polygraphs for jobs . They are not 100% accurate. Usually it’s inaccurate on the liars side, lol. A polygraph for sexual infidelity is different than a regular polygraph. So, you must be careful who you use. I never solely rely on a polygraph, I use it to verify what I know to be true or have believed to be true with my gut. He’s never failed, he has lied and then spilled his guts on the way to take one. If you work with a csat, they work with you on honesty and on coming clean about all your actions regarding the addiction. Takes months to prepare. It really is an art, I would never recommend someone just run out an get one( which is exactly what I did with first dday) they only ask 3-4 questions so the chances of failing without lying are slim to none.

 

Lol! That’s pretty accurate. My csat has told me on multiple occasions to save my money because my gut is better than any polygraph. Unfortunately, 27 years of lies aren’t easy to overcome even when you’re being honest. I wish , and it brings tears to my eyes that I could trust him. He has made really incredible changes and he’s an entirely different man. I’m just not there yet and don’t know if I ever will be. Unfortunately my experience isn’t an anomaly. Too many woman I work with in intensives dont get the full truth until they insist on a poly. It sucks just as much for us as it does for them, believe it or not. But you cannot heal if you continue to lie. Being honest is one of the foundations for getting into recovery.

 

I think every man must look or at least be tempted to look at other women. Whether or not we look, what we think about, and whether or not we dwell on that thought, varies. But there is no man "pure" of all illicit sexual temptations. Every man has a weakness and if that "weakness" happens to walk in front of his eyesight.... he would feel the urge to look. The best of us resist that urge. But it's got to still be there.

I don't know if you're religious or an atheist, but consider this. Our thoughts live in a sealed container: our head. They only come out when we choose to talk about them or act on them. If our thoughts were intended to be visible to others, they would be leaking out of our ears, or displayed on our back, or whatever. Either you believe people were designed that way or we evolved that way, but that should be a sign that it's best not to go around digging in people's heads.

That said, looking at women and dwelling on women's bodies is what we call a P-sub, or a porn substitute. It is a way of getting the "high" of PMO without really doing PMO. And it will lead to PMO eventually. Maybe he doesn't know this and you can educate him about it. Or maybe, you're through with him. As you said, the biological clock is ticking. It's up to you and your goals. Best wishes.