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Are SOs a good choice as an addict's accountability partner?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by kropo82, Apr 7, 2018.

  1. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    I do not need AP. For instance I wake up in sleep the moment pornlike graphic appears.... My SO calls that integrity... I call that conscious.

    But in general if the SO is deeply hurt by the spouse's PA, takes it as something wrong with SO, or the PA is because SO is not good enough, etc etc ... Basically if the SO happen to add to the already complex problem of PA - it is a terrible idea for SO to be AP.

    If the SO is realist, pragmatic, and understand PA as a disease, and sees worth and commitment from the spouse with PA, and could really allow relapses, failures, without making it a huge dispute... The AP role could be a great re-bonding opportunity.

    So IMO it depends the individuals and how their relationship is, whether the SO can REALLY be an AP.

    My SO is a great choice for AP. But our sexual relationship is non existent so I do not want her to be my AP.
     
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  2. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    Maybe the SOs want that responsibility they want to understand and know everything 100% And people should stop talking for them. Let them make that choice. Because as far a repairing damage and communication understanding integrity to the relationship I think it's needed. no one person is the same.
     
  3. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    I shared my opinion to the OPs question. I wasn't talking for SOs. No matter whether it is better or for worse, it is their right. Just not my type.

    @Tan3110 can SOs talk for PAs? Doesn't that happen a lot in this forum? While I respect rebooters who can see and appreciate SO perspective. Some go to the other extreme. I sometimes wish to have discussions with PA only. When I wrote to moderators they didn't even respond... :)
     
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  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Did his therapist give their reasons?
     
    Gooding likes this.
  5. I try to refrain from giving advice but I will share my experience and personal opinions (what I choose for myself, not necessarily what I think others should do).

    I was an addict for 25 years. I sought help and got clean without "getting caught". 6 months after that, I gave a full disclosure to my first wife. Within a year and half, I chose to end that relationship. As I got more and more healthy, I saw the unthealth in her and our relationship and she did not want to address that.

    I continued recovery and added 5 years of recovery from codependency. Today I am remarried and have a family. My wife knew about my addiction and recovery before we were married. She does not want to be my accountability partner, sponsor, or play any role in my recovery. Our agreement is that we each take care of our own sh*t but we are open and honest with each other about where we're at. If I have a slip, all she wants to know is what I am going to do about it and have an opportunity to express her feelings about it.

    I see others in recovery come to local meetings and talk about their partners the whole time. I used to do that when I was in my first marriage. Recovery from codependency changed that for me.

    My wife is my wife and my AP is my AP. My marriage is on equal footing. I may be an addict but that does not give me "less than" status in our relationship. She is imperfect as well. We understand this about each other. Not making her my AP/sponsor keeps her from trying to control something that frankly she's just as powerless over as I am. Flipping over the coin, I need to be able to say whatever I need to say to my AP/sponsor to help my recovery for me. That's not always appropriate for a partner or spouse. It's too easy for me to slip into codependence and worry about taking care of her (and therefor not helping myself) or withholding something that will upset her. An AP should be a non-emotionally invested person in my life who shares the same problem.

    That's how my recovery rolls. It's not perfect but it's working best for me. I cannot stress how important codependency recovery was for me.

    -Quinn
     
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  6. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    My counselor and my PA’s counselor both say No way. It’s too traumatizing for an SO. I tried and I was having him text me every time within 2 minutes when he had an urge or temptation... it was too much stress and PTSD.
     
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  7. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    @TheMightyQuinn exactly. I wasn't able to articulate this point this well. Thanks
     
  8. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    How it works for us is When it first started we just did a daily check in when he would come home from work. He would tell me about the urges, triggers, how he would stop himself and such.

    He wanted to put the restrictions on his IPhone and I’m the only one who has the password. He asked, he wanted to do it and I was proud of him for that.

    He doesn’t have any on his laptop but we have talked about when and where the habit took place and he chooses to not to continue those, like working in the office.
    If we are together and something triggers him we have silent code (squeezing the others hand) that works both ways. It’s to ground us in the moment and we can talk about later if need be.
    Sometimes if he has work we sit in bed together but it’s up to him make the call on what he needs, I just help him through it.

    Now that it’s been over 6 months we don’t do the daily, we have a weekly retrospective together. Not that we avoid things during the week, if it’s something that really bothers us then we talk about if we need to.
    This system is working, we have to have the hard conversations and learn how to have them so we can work through them. As said above, I am his wife and he is my husband, this is part of marriage. We know each other’s deepest darkest secrets, we have accepted them and are moving on together with them. I would rather know everything so speak but I don’t need and he doesn’t need to tell me in the moment unless he feels it’s an “Emergency”.
    The not knowing, the withholding is far more traumatic for me. I’m proud we can do this together and that he’s trusting me to be his primary AP. But like a lot have said here, it’s up to both parties not everyone is the same with this, this is not a black or white, yes or no answer.
     
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Same here, we both prefer it this way too.
     
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  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Ours is very similar to this as well. So far so good as far as the AP part of it goes.
     
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  11. The ultimate goal is to not require an AP.

    If you let it define you or your relationship you have given it too much power.
     
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  12. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    If that is the case, then every single person in this entire world is a potential addict!
     
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  13. Hopefully "once an addict always an addict" isn't one of the mantras you say to yourself every day. :D

    It's not my thought process. It's Allen Carr's. Also followed by a few other members. The very successful method was modified for PMO addiction in the book linked in my signature.

    The idea is to change the way you think about yourself. Anyone can become addicted to PMO, or anything else that's addictive.

    You are also a heroin addict because if you were given heroin over a long enough period you would become addicted to it. Do you therefore need a heroin addiction AP to stop you from taking heroin? Hopefully the answer is no.

    Taking power away from the addiction is also a meditative approach, also followed by many members here. Observe it without judgement, thereby removing its power.

    Once your eyes are open you should know not to go back to PMO and be happy to be free of it. Having an AP for the rest of your life is a constant reminder that you are an addict. Your view of yourself should be that of someone who doesn't PMO.

    If you might PMO if you're not being watched then you haven't really committed to becoming free of it.
     
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  14. Johns80

    Johns80 Fapstronaut

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    He was afraid I’d be triggered.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  15. This won’t be a definite yes or no topic. It’s going to vary by individual to individual. For some SO’s they’re mentally and emotionally prepared to be an AP and all that entails, while for others who know their own limits will choose not to be their SO’s AP. Some might even go from not being ready to be an AP to growing into that role and vice versa. Whatever the case neither choice is wrong if both have agreed to it and believe it will help their relationship.
     
  16. Exactly. Just like the goal should be to get off of this damn site someday. You’re truly free of PMO when it has absolutely no place in your life. We should want to get to a stage where there is no more PMO and no more NoFap. I want to close this chapter of my life and never look back.
     
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