Are there SOs who have PA/SA partner craving for sex with you?

S

Sanitarium

Fapstronaut
Hi there.
I consider myself more like a SA, cause I can't get enough with sex, M, MO, edging and it has not really to be with P use. My wife is mad at me because I made a lot of secrets of it and lied to her several times when confronted directly. I believe I've got anxious attachment style in my relationship (due to some childhood trauma). I love my wife. Not sure that I love myself. I have to learn how to love myself in the first place - that's what my wife says to me. I had always thought I love her more than anything in my life. She argues it is wrong. She feels it like I am chasing her too much, that I depend on her too much, that she feels like she has another child boy next to our 2 daughters instead of having a reliable self-deficient partner. I've been working with psychotherapist to fix my childhood traumas. I understand that I have to fix myself in the first place. But I would not like to focus just on me, even though it's all my problem. I guess I need to learn again to understand her feelings. This skill has degraded drastically during intense PMOing in recent few years.
Any advice from partners of the addicts like me? Appreciate it enormously in advance!
 
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Sanitarium (Welcome Home) said:
Hi there.
I consider myself more like a SA, cause I can't get enough with sex, M, MO, edging and it has not really be with P use. My wife is mad at me because I made a lot of secrets of it and lied to her several times when confronted directly. I believe I've got anxious attachment style in my relationship (due to some childhood trauma). I love my wife. Not sure that I love myself. I have to learn how to love myself in the first place - that's what my wife says to me. I had always thought I love her more than anything in my life. She argues it is wrong. She feels it like I am chasing her too much, that I depend on her too much, that she feels like she has another child boy next to our 2 daughters instead of having a reliable self-deficient partner. I've been working with psychotherapist to fix my childhood traumas. I understand that I have to fix myself in the first place. But I would not like to focus just on me, even though it's all my problem. I guess I need to learn again to understand her feelings. This skill has degraded drastically during intense PMOing in recent few years.
Any advice from partners of the addicts like me? Appreciate it enormously in advance!
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One thing I would highly advise for you, because of your age, usage, etc. a 90 day abstinence from any and all sexual stimulation. Nothing sexual. You don’t even get to see your wife change clothes. It was recommended by my csat, and it really helped my husband. We have done it twice now. You focus on affection, talking, growing intimacy in areas other than sexual.
 
Thank you Psalm27:1my light. This is indeed my goal now - complete abstience till the end of this year at least.
I hope my addiction is not that fierce. I had discovered NoFap just a few days ago, but I did practice and could abstain easily for a month back some years ago. I have not developed PIED. I had very high libido until recently. But I've been on SSRIs for a few months, so I barely can get hard without physical stimulation now. I cannot say that a naked body can trigger me at this moment, so that's not a big problem for me. Sometimes I just have urge to tame my penis even without P use. At these moments I feel it more as compulsions. I just need to bring back my willpower to my pre-binge level to control those urges. I guess some mindfulness exercises could help me. Never practiced any though. I also know that the best cure is substitution. So I am coming to an idea with every urge do a little exercise. For example. push-ups. Building a bit of additional physical strength will not do any hurt for sure :)

But my question is more about the feelings of the SO's in a similar to my case. I have to talk to my wife more, of course to get it first hand. But I am afraid that, now that she cannot fully trust me at the moment, she may not reveal something to me. Or she could not tell me something because she would be be afraid to trigger something in me that would bring me back to my swamp...
I have learned from many threads in this Forum that mostly women get the pain from feeling betrayed, being devalued. Anything I could do here apart from no more lies to heal her feelings? I feel really really bad due to I have become completely blind about her feelings...... :-(
 
Sanitarium (Welcome Home) said:
Thank you Psalm27:1my light. This is indeed my goal now - complete abstience till the end of this year at least.
I hope my addiction is not that fierce. I had discovered NoFap just a few days ago, but I did practice and could abstain easily for a month back some years ago. I have not developed PIED. I had very high libido until recently. But I've been on SSRIs for a few months, so I barely can get hard without physical stimulation now. I cannot say that a naked body can trigger me at this moment, so that's not a big problem for me. Sometimes I just have urge to tame my penis even without P use. At these moments I feel it more as compulsions. I just need to bring back my willpower to my pre-binge level to control those urges. I guess some mindfulness exercises could help me. Never practiced any though. I also know that the best cure is substitution. So I am coming to an idea with every urge do a little exercise. For example. push-ups. Building a bit of additional physical strength will not do any hurt for sure :)

But my question is more about the feelings of the SO's in a similar to my case. I have to talk to my wife more, of course to get it first hand. But I am afraid that, now that she cannot fully trust me at the moment, she may not reveal something to me. Or she could not tell me something because she would be be afraid to trigger something in me that would bring me back to my swamp...
I have learned from many threads in this Forum that mostly women get the pain from feeling betrayed, being devalued. Anything I could do here apart from no more lies to heal her feelings? I feel really really bad due to I have become completely blind about her feelings...... :-(
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A relationship has many important ingredients. Talk (intimacy), trust, respect, Quality time together, non sexual touch, intimate touch. For me I felt shattered because of the lies and just how much I trust him. He makes me feel safe. Since his ramping up of P use I felt something off. The feeling safe would waiver. I would get anxious and moody. And compensate by M myself because our intimate touch waned. We still had other aspects going well, but those started to not be what they were either. I can see that very clear now.

The thing most men don’t understand is that their partner can feel that you are not present fully. A part of you leaves. And the more PA M or edging takes over it’s not just one aspect of you that feels gone, it starts to take other parts. For me it felt like he was slipping away. I told him that. I don’t think he got it at the time. He was there but not. He was not with me. Parts of him were just gone. Because he was in this private world of gratification. He was not really all in anymore. So with these habits that is what your mind focuses in on. And you scratch this itch and there is nothing left for us. In turn I would get stressed and moody.

Turn your focus back to her. So let’s say you get an urge, work out, do chores, Or just walk up ask about her day and listen. Really listen. Actively try to hear and feel what her day was like good or bad. Notice where those feelings are in your body. It’s like an active meditation that focuses on you mind body connection and exercises the empathetic feelings. Don’t give advice. Don’t try to fix it. There’s actually a really good book called “I hear you”. It’s very good for tuning in and listening. She will feel more safe and secure when she feels heard. Don’t reward yourself with And sort of M. Instead just hug. I mean you can take it to the next level and ask her to tell you about her day and massage her feet. Non sexual touch is very important. It releases more serotonin and oxytocin. These two have been making for both of you due to the destructive nature of P and M. Self touch does not release those. Only healthy habits release all three and strengthen rational thinking and impulse control.

Actively insert these moments any time you are feeling weak with urges. Tell her you are feeling weak and need some of her time for focus. Lean on her at these times. Let her lean on you. Think back to the beginning of your relationship. What are the things you did that made her feel close or got a smile. If you don’t remember that could be a great conversation that spurs intimacy and more trust. Maybe at bedtime tell her you want to try something different. You both get naked and lay with each other as you talk about the beginning when things were great and she felt safe. Stroke her hair or touch her cheek. Whatever feels natural but non sexual. Light tickle caressing releases high levels of oxytocin. The purpose is to raise those too chemicals that have not been present because of disconnect.

my husband and I have always done these things which is why our situation I don’t think is as dire. Although at his worst PA streaks he didn’t even take his clothes off when coming to bed. Disconnecting entirely. It really bothered me. And now I know why.
 
Sad_wife said:
Instead just hug.
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Unfortunately, the bad thing is she does not want any hugs now. I understand it and respect her decision. In addition she is / has always been less craving for touches than me. I believe there is also some trauma about it. She enjoys more talking, discussing, she is a very smart woman. So thank you for the book recommendation, I hope it will help me to improve my listening skill.
 
Sanitarium (Welcome Home) said:
Thank you! Who is the author of this book? Is it Michael S. Sorensen? I am gonna buy and read it!
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Yes! That the one


Sanitarium (Welcome Home) said:
Unfortunately, the bad thing is she does not want any hugs now. I understand it and respect her decision. In addition she is / has always been less craving for touches than me. I believe there is also some trauma about it. She enjoys more talking, discussing, she is a very smart woman. So thank you for the book recommendation, I hope it will help me to improve my listening skill.
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maybe getting closer through talking first.
 
Sanitarium (Welcome Home) said:
But I am afraid that, now that she cannot fully trust me at the moment,
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Don't want to sound doom and gloom, but the reality is she probably can't trust you ever again fully. That's not to say things cant get lots better, but a certain trust level is almost unattainable again.

I would also highly recommend hard mode, it has been the most effective for me, and rebooting. A particular struggle for me, and based on that you've articulated may be for you too, is resuming intimacy after a period of hard mode and being able to handle the potential of inconsistent intimate encounters after.

I think the best focus here, (which is much easier said than done) is to continually frame the reason for hard mode around you, and around your self healing, not around what you hope to build back with your SO. For an anxious attached person, that seems to always end in some level of disappointment.
 
Warfman said:
Don't want to sound doom and gloom, but the reality is she probably can't trust you ever again fully. That's not to say things cant get lots better, but a certain trust level is almost unattainable again.
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Thanks for the reply! Actually I have already accepted the idea that I will never gain the same level of trust from her and it doesn't make me desparate. It's the opposite - I take it as a motto to change myself so that we can build a relationship in a completely new way. I want to change myself in the first place. And I am already doing it. I am reading books, I am building my body with more exercises, I am changing my thinking habbits, I am helping her more with home chores: cooking, laundry, kids activities, etc. And I feel surprisingly good about it. Now I hate my old self who was weak. I am transitioning from feeling self-pity to being self-compassionate. I do not want to dig myself deeper in that old PMO sh*t anymore.
I have been doing the Hard mode for 18 days. It's going pretty well. I feel/sense/understand/realize much more now. It's a great achivement. And there is more coming soon!
 
Sad_wife said:
There’s actually a really good book called “I hear you”.
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Just wanted to say Thanks again. This book gave me a precious insight into what I had been doing wrong when my wife was struggling through her hard times. Unfortunately I did not learn it from my parents since they were busy trying to deal with their own relationship problems....
 
Warfman said:
Don't want to sound doom and gloom, but the reality is she probably can't trust you ever again fully. That's not to say things cant get lots better, but a certain trust level is almost unattainable again. .
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Nail on the head.

I keep seeing it framed as "wife doesn't trust me and I don't know what to do about it" (not just here), and very rarely "I am untrustworthy and don't know what to do about it". You were given her absolute trust freely as a gift when she started a relationship with you. Then you proved to her that that was one of the worst decisions she's ever made in her entire life. It's really probably not going to happen again.

If she never wants to touch you again, that will still only be a fraction of the consequence for you compared to what she has to live with after all of this. Her marriage was a sham that she was tricked into. If you have kids, she did not consent to having those kids in the real situation that was going on, etc.

Lots of people really don't sit with the real enormity of the level of betrayal that they perpetrate. Your concern should not even be on how you can get back into her good graces so you can X, Y, or Z. It should be on laying out for her her reality, peeling back every layer of fake and lie and omission, fixing yourself as much as possible, organizing your life to make sure it does not happen again, letting her have her feelings about it without expectation, and then helping her find professional help to process. Who tf cares about sex right now, when she is a shredded newspaper and the wind is blowing?
 
Sanitarium (Welcome Home) said:
Thanks for the reply! Actually I have already accepted the idea that I will never gain the same level of trust from her and it doesn't make me desparate. It's the opposite - I take it as a motto to change myself so that we can build a relationship in a completely new way. I want to change myself in the first place. And I am already doing it. I am reading books, I am building my body with more exercises, I am changing my thinking habbits, I am helping her more with home chores: cooking, laundry, kids activities, etc. And I feel surprisingly good about it. Now I hate my old self who was weak. I am transitioning from feeling self-pity to being self-compassionate. I do not want to dig myself deeper in that old PMO sh*t anymore.
I have been doing the Hard mode for 18 days. It's going pretty well. I feel/sense/understand/realize much more now. It's a great achivement. And there is more coming soon!
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Be prepared for your resolve to be strongly tested. All the things you are doing are great, but they don't fix the underlying issue. If you think you can "earn" forgiveness you'll likely be disappointed. Especially if you are anxiously attached. Anxious attached people unfortunately need lots of validation, and it is very scarce in this predicament. It's something I'm certain you'll have to face and be forced to reconcile with. Been there and living it. "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover is a book you need to check out, it may reveal some things to you.
 
Warfman said:
Be prepared for your resolve to be strongly tested. All the things you are doing are great, but they don't fix the underlying issue. If you think you can "earn" forgiveness you'll likely be disappointed. Especially if you are anxiously attached. Anxious attached people unfortunately need lots of validation, and it is very scarce in this predicament. It's something I'm certain you'll have to face and be forced to reconcile with. Been there and living it. "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover is a book you need to check out, it may reveal some things to you.
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Thank you sir. Really appreciate your input. Just ordered the book.
My therapist also helps me enormously to work through my anxious attachment style. I now understand where it stems from. Schema-therapy helps with it greatly.
Thanks again for the recommendation. Looking forward to receiving the book.
 
Yes, I am in the same situation. as I constantly crave sex. And my wife does not have the same level of sex drive I do. But we know that when we have sex, we connect with each other. so even when I told her about what I had done, two days later it was on the schedule and it was not good sex but we both agreed we still needed to do something.

As cutting off all contact between us, makes both of us upset and cranky.
 
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