Are you a shadow of your former self?

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I don't know about you but I am a shadow of my former self.

There is not a single doubt that p/m/o has changed me for the worse in countless ways.

A brief list of what I lack:
  • enthusiasm
  • motivation
  • positive outlook
  • self esteem
  • decisiveness
  • confidence
  • emotional stability
  • inspiration
  • friendly disposition
  • patience
  • mental fortitude
  • curiosity
  • assertiveness
  • courage
  • discipline
  • drive
The worst part is that even though I'm aware of this, I still can't seem to help myself out.
 
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I feel the same way. A younger me would be disappointed in the present day me. It breaks my heart to think about. I mourn the version of me I thought I would become. And I mourn the old me. A lot of my struggles are with mental health too. I deal with anxiety, depression, panic attacks, personality disorder. I didn’t cause those. But my actions are what lead to my pmo problem. I think we should feel brave knowing that we are confronting something big in our lives. It’s no small thing to confront an addiction like this.

I read recently that people with higher levels of happiness and contentment in life have this ability of blocking out the bad in the world and in their life. They are able to tell themselves stories about their life and the world that aren’t so bad. Almost like they build their own delusion of the world. And the people with depression are the ones with the mental illness? Delulu is the solulu I guess.
 
Alexpath said:
I feel the same way. However, there is still good in you. Remember that; I have to keep reminding myself that. My brother, who knows my struggles, recently told me I need to fight feelings of shame. Keep moving forward!
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I definitely deal with shame myself. Shame, regret, etc.

I don't tell anyone about what I'm going through but some have undoubtedly connected the dots over the years.
 
biggermack352 said:
I feel the same way. A younger me would be disappointed in the present day me. It breaks my heart to think about. I mourn the version of me I thought I would become. And I mourn the old me. A lot of my struggles are with mental health too. I deal with anxiety, depression, panic attacks, personality disorder. I didn’t cause those. But my actions are what lead to my pmo problem. I think we should feel brave knowing that we are confronting something big in our lives. It’s no small thing to confront an addiction like this.

I read recently that people with higher levels of happiness and contentment in life have this ability of blocking out the bad in the world and in their life. They are able to tell themselves stories about their life and the world that aren’t so bad. Almost like they build their own delusion of the world. And the people with depression are the ones with the mental illness? Delulu is the solulu I guess.
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Is your age on here correct? You're 31? I'm in my mid 30s and I truly cannot believe what my life is. Decades ago, I was considered one of the smart kids in school and now I'm a loner with a service industry job that pays just over minimum wage.

To touch on the part of your comment about the state of the world...
I guess I'm not a complete lost cause. I'm not easy to lie to or manipulate. I didn't fall for absolutely any of the garbage lies unleashed on the country and the world in the last 3 or 4 years. I stood my ground but watched as people succumbed to the fear mongering which I think has contributed to my current state. I guess it's hard for me to see any hope and not just for myself but for basically everyone.

I wonder how in the living hell I can expect to ever find a decent, healthy, normal girl. I keep thinking it's damn near impossible.
 
A W A K E said:
I don't know about you but I am a shadow of my former self.

There is not a single doubt that p/m/o has changed me for the worse in countless ways.

A brief list of what I lack:
  • enthusiasm
  • motivation
  • positive outlook
  • self esteem
  • decisiveness
  • confidence
  • emotional stability
  • inspiration
  • friendly disposition
  • patience
  • mental fortitude
  • curiosity
  • assertiveness
  • courage
  • discipline
  • drive
The worst part is that even though I'm aware of this, I still can't seem to help myself out.
Click to expand...

sorry to hear you are struggling. When was your last relapse? Just want to know of you a struggling through a cycle of relapses or symptoms
 
A W A K E said:
Is your age on here correct? You're 31? I'm in my mid 30s and I truly cannot believe what my life is. Decades ago, I was considered one of the smart kids in school and now I'm a loner with a service industry job that pays just over minimum wage.

To touch on the part of your comment about the state of the world...
I guess I'm not a complete lost cause. I'm not easy to lie to or manipulate. I didn't fall for absolutely any of the garbage lies unleashed on the country and the world in the last 3 or 4 years. I stood my ground but watched as people succumbed to the fear mongering which I think has contributed to my current state. I guess it's hard for me to see any hope and not just for myself but for basically everyone.

I wonder how in the living hell I can expect to ever find a decent, healthy, normal girl. I keep thinking it's damn near impossible.
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yes I’m 31. The world seems to be changing at a rapid pace. But maybe that’s just the way of things. Yea i find it hard to be hopeful sometimes too. I definitely try to seek out things that make me hopeful. Maybe don’t look for a normal girl? What is normal anyway?
 
Quite right, mate. PMO has not led to anything worthwhile, just a few moments of extreme pleasures for which we traded the best and most important part of our lives. Being aware of this sickness helps us defeat this evil and eventually gain back what it stole from us. We might be encircled by this cloud of darkness but the rays of light are around and soon ready to shine bright.
 
Ezpz said:
sorry to hear you are struggling. When was your last relapse? Just want to know of you a struggling through a cycle of relapses or symptoms
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I relapsed around midnight on Monday and then the same on Tuesday. Before that, I had a streak of 8 days followed by one relapse and another streak of 6 days. So yeah, it was two relapses in quick succession in the past week. But this has been going on for years, decades.
 
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biggermack352 said:
yes I’m 31. The world seems to be changing at a rapid pace. But maybe that’s just the way of things. Yea i find it hard to be hopeful sometimes too. I definitely try to seek out things that make me hopeful. Maybe don’t look for a normal girl? What is normal anyway?
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Good question. And I like the point you made within it. After all, it's the normies who are making me lose hope for the world. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 
Lou Bloom said:
Quite right, mate. PMO has not led to anything worthwhile, just a few moments of extreme pleasures for which we traded the best and most important part of our lives. Being aware of this sickness helps us defeat this evil and eventually gain back what it stole from us. We might be encircled by this cloud of darkness but the rays of light are around and soon ready to shine bright.
Click to expand...

Here's hoping. I've been trying to pull myself out of this for a long while. The problem I have is that while I'm not necessarily a classic addict, I turn to p/m/o when bored, upset, stressed and even at the rare times I have a decent day. I need to have better coping mechanisms.
 
A W A K E said:
I relapsed around midnight on Monday and then the same on Tuesday. Before that, I had a streak of 8 days followed by one relapse and another streak of 6 days. So yeah, it was two relapses in quick succession in the past week. But this has been going on for years, decades.
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Thanks for letting me know. Sounds like your primary goal in life at this point should be to find a way to remain pmo free. Especially since it has been such a long time for you. Sounds ridiculous when i say it like that, of course it is hard but you should have the experience now to get your recovery on the right track.

one of the worst things you can do for yourself is focus on the outside world or what others are doing. Being angry or upset at whats going on around you is not helpful so instead, focus on whats going on internally and work outwards.

to get out of this you will have to put recovery before everything else, in my opinion thats the only way. Gotta make some sacrifices to get where we want to go.
 
Ezpz said:
Thanks for letting me know. Sounds like your primary goal in life at this point should be to find a way to remain pmo free. Especially since it has been such a long time for you. Sounds ridiculous when i say it like that, of course it is hard but you should have the experience now to get your recovery on the right track.

one of the worst things you can do for yourself is focus on the outside world or what others are doing. Being angry or upset at whats going on around you is not helpful so instead, focus on whats going on internally and work outwards.

to get out of this you will have to put recovery before everything else, in my opinion thats the only way. Gotta make some sacrifices to get where we want to go.
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Unfortunately, I focus on the outside world a lot. I fully realize that no one's life is perfect by any means but from what I see, and given what I know, many people still seem to be much happier and more fulfilled than me. Whether it comes down to normies essentially living by an "ignorance is bliss" motto or what is unknown to me. But yeah, it's definitely something I struggle with. I don't have a group of friends with whom to vacation or adventure or celebrate events; I don't have a girlfriend with whom to share my life and be intimate. It's increasingly difficult to deal with this, especially as I get older.

And I acknowledge that being angry isn't serving me but it's yet another thing I feel I can't control. I have all this resentment and I feel like some of it is definitely justified. I don't want to be pissed off and miserable but here I am.

Do you think it's possible that I'm not prioritizing my recovery as well as I could be since I claim I'm not a typical addict?
 
A W A K E said:
Unfortunately, I focus on the outside world a lot. I fully realize that no one's life is perfect by any means but from what I see, and given what I know, many people still seem to be much happier and more fulfilled than me. Whether it comes down to normies essentially living by an "ignorance is bliss" motto or what is unknown to me. But yeah, it's definitely something I struggle with. I don't have a group of friends with whom to vacation or adventure or celebrate events; I don't have a girlfriend with whom to share my life and be intimate. It's increasingly difficult to deal with this, especially as I get older.

And I acknowledge that being angry isn't serving me but it's yet another thing I feel I can't control. I have all this resentment and I feel like some of it is definitely justified. I don't want to be pissed off and miserable but here I am.

Do you think it's possible that I'm not prioritizing my recovery as well as I could be since I claim I'm not a typical addict?
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There’s definitely value in finding your tribe. Whether that be a friend group, or family, or relationship, or some other group. I certainly value knowing what’s going on in the world which is mostly a total bummer. I also value my own well being. And that should be my priority. There’s nothing more important than my well being because if I can’t get that taken care of then I can’t effectively help anyone else.
 
A W A K E said:
Unfortunately, I focus on the outside world a lot. I fully realize that no one's life is perfect by any means but from what I see, and given what I know, many people still seem to be much happier and more fulfilled than me. Whether it comes down to normies essentially living by an "ignorance is bliss" motto or what is unknown to me. But yeah, it's definitely something I struggle with. I don't have a group of friends with whom to vacation or adventure or celebrate events; I don't have a girlfriend with whom to share my life and be intimate. It's increasingly difficult to deal with this, especially as I get older.

And I acknowledge that being angry isn't serving me but it's yet another thing I feel I can't control. I have all this resentment and I feel like some of it is definitely justified. I don't want to be pissed off and miserable but here I am.

Do you think it's possible that I'm not prioritizing my recovery as well as I could be since I claim I'm not a typical addict?
Click to expand...

I think its definitely possible. For me i never saw progress until i prioritised my recovery first and foremost. What do you mean that you are not a typical addict?

hmm i have always put more focus on the individual than anything that is external. It is our own fault that we all ended up here. I couldn't care less on what is going on around me, as im so focused my own recovery. Of course i experience jealousy at others who seem to be in a better place than i am but in general ive made my peace with where im at.
 
A W A K E said:
I don't know about you but I am a shadow of my former self.

There is not a single doubt that p/m/o has changed me for the worse in countless ways.

A brief list of what I lack:
  • enthusiasm
  • motivation
  • positive outlook
  • self esteem
  • decisiveness
  • confidence
  • emotional stability
  • inspiration
  • friendly disposition
  • patience
  • mental fortitude
  • curiosity
  • assertiveness
  • courage
  • discipline
  • drive
The worst part is that even though I'm aware of this, I still can't seem to help myself out.
Click to expand...

This resonates completely.

I'm in my mid-40s. When I was a kid, I remember being so much more engaged in life. I was attentive, curious, fascinated ... I could focus, my mind was always asking questions, trying to figure things out ... I was just active, physically and mentally.

After decades of addictive conditioning, I struggle with consistently feeling like I'm checked-out, almost on autopilot. It feels like I'm just going through the motions of life and not truly being present or engaged. Even though I can read and digest complex material, it feels like I'm doing it through a thick haze of brain fog, and I know this is predominantly due to brain chemistry changes as a result of my addiction.

Porn hasn't been an issue in quite some time, thank goodness (largely because my personal devices are filtered), but M/O are still difficult for me, since they're always so easily accessible (blocking porn has definitely helped reduce MO, but unfortunately I still have a mountain of real-life experiences that provide euphoric recall whenever I want to call them up in my memory).

Lately, whenever I've felt tempted to MO, I remind myself: I want my old brain back. I want to feel that same engaged, "alive" feeling I had when I was a kid. And I know I'll get there. It just takes time for the brain to heal, and it requires that I completely abstain from the behaviors that hold me back.
 
A W A K E said:
Unfortunately, I focus on the outside world a lot. I fully realize that no one's life is perfect by any means but from what I see, and given what I know, many people still seem to be much happier and more fulfilled than me.
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They only seem that way.

There's a reading in SAA 12-step groups that says, "our insides didn't match what we saw on the outsides of others." At first I thought it was a typo because it just read weird to me. Then it didn't even make sense--why would we expect our insides to match someone else's outsides? That's comparing apples to oranges. But then I realized that's exactly what we do. We compare our complete knowledge of self--all of our insecurities, imperfections, weaknesses, and self-criticisms--and size it up against the carefully-curated public images of our peers and of society at-large. When we do that, we will see ourselves as inferior every single time.

This clip of Jordan Peterson is fantastic. Don't compare yourself to the people you only know the partial truth about--compare yourself to who you were yesterday. (And for me, if I'm staying sober, I can always say "I have more sobriety now than I did yesterday.")

 
SuperFan said:
After decades of addictive conditioning, I struggle with consistently feeling like I'm checked-out, almost on autopilot. It feels like I'm just going through the motions of life and not truly being present or engaged. Even though I can read and digest complex material, it feels like I'm doing it through a thick haze of brain fog, and I know this is predominantly due to brain chemistry changes as a result of my addiction.
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You've just described me. I show little to no emotion. Whether I'm at work or engaged in another activity, I'm definitely on auto pilot. Sometimes I literally stop and think how I just did something (like drive home) without really being present. Going through the motions is a fitting description of it. I just feel like my dependance on p/m/o has dulled almost every single aspect of my life. I don't ever do anything for pleasure or fun anymore. I do what I have to do to get by and that usually means living paycheck to paycheck.
 
Ezpz said:
I think its definitely possible. For me i never saw progress until i prioritised my recovery first and foremost. What do you mean that you are not a typical addict?

hmm i have always put more focus on the individual than anything that is external. It is our own fault that we all ended up here. I couldn't care less on what is going on around me, as im so focused my own recovery. Of course i experience jealousy at others who seem to be in a better place than i am but in general ive made my peace with where im at.
Click to expand...

I don't even know. Maybe I'm just making shit up to make this seem not as bad as it is. What I meant is that I'm not fapping 24/7 or anything super crazy. But for a long time I had made edging a habit. At one point, I was ejaculating 7-10x per week, now I'm down to about 2x in the same time frame. But I don't think it's all in the frequency anymore since my brain's already kinda fucked as a result of my engagement in this activity in the past. I feel like the damage has been done and now I have to try to reverse it.
 
biggermack352 said:
I certainly value knowing what’s going on in the world which is mostly a total bummer.
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Sometimes, I truly wish I was more like the "ignorance is bliss" normies who are all around us. But when I really think about it, I'd still take the red (or black) pill given the choice. One of the things I fret most about these days is how or if I'll ever find a girl to be with who'll be up to my standards. Now it's not like I have options and am able to choose but I also am not about to just forfeit all of that and settle for anyone just because.
 
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