Are you fighting it?

I was away for a while because even while here I was still relapsing. That "final urge" always has seemed to get me. I'm looking at a different mindset now and wonder how others are using their own mindset to stop this.

Before I would let everything just come up, kind of a Zen attitude - it will pass. And it did, but it was still food for thought later. Now I am trying to take control and talk to it, because I know the minute the seed is planted it will start to grow unless you kill it in it's tracks. I am saying, no - stop - interrupting the pattern and focusing on something else.

I finally feel like this is a battle rather than a passive thing. I'm feeling like I have to take control the minute I start sexualizing, fantasizing, imagining - no - I have failed so many times because I've let it get stronger than me and the buildup finally leads to the failure.

The last time I relapsed recently it really took a hold of my psyche and I was actually afraid of dying, that it could actually lead to that because it always becomes negative for me, and I will get some horrid images and an anxiety attack as a result.

I've heard some say it got so bad that they were praying they would die, wow that's extreme. For me I was praying that I wouldn't, my anxiety was something I had to calm down. Are you fighting it, stopping it in it's tracks or how do you deal with it?