Are you suffering from HOCD - Share with us your story

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by zenon27, Jan 23, 2016.

  1. brassmonkey91

    brassmonkey91 Fapstronaut

    5
    2
    3
    Hey, fellas-

    Just stumbled across your somewhat recent posts, (2016 albeit); I've been going through this myself and am 3 weeks into my reboot.

    I was curious how yall were doing in your recovery, 8 months later?
     
  2. zenon27

    zenon27 Fapstronaut

    196
    91
    28
    what ive learned is that life is a choice. Whatever your brain tells you you are, you aren't.
    Heart and brain aren't connected for as much as heart is blind its the most sincere organ there is.

    This issue is all low self-esteem issue. Insecurity a man struggle to win over.
    My HOCD made me feel like I want to feel protected from the constant over-masturbation I started to feel weaker as a man, so my brain started to give me thinking i wanted a man to protect me. i used to protect my sister and my mother from a drug. I'm 28 years now, on my own.

    But that all changed when my body started to react out different when with my girlfriend. She felt protected and I felt like I'm at home. I love making her feel that way and i love myself most when im feeling confident. This is my true self in the heart of things. Anything but weak.
    I had a bad parenthood, my father was a drunk so this sort of feeling of attraction is all fake as my mind is looking for a male role-model I lacked in life. Its not sexual in nature but HOCD may make you think it is.

    You may think all sort of sexual things, anything really, but deep down what you think or are scared of is not you.
    You are what you choose in life to be. You weren't born with it, you choose this lifestyle. Just follow your heart.

    Don't masturbate, raise your testosterone level, and start to feel benefits. Better communication, stronger energy to do things, no brain fog, its all connected to masturbation habits. There is a reason why people fap before going to sleep, it makes their body tired, yeah well with all the masturbation we forget that, we just had sex to nothing but our own hand. Yes brain registered all masturbation as sex, for brain it doesn't matter if you finish inside your partner or to air.

    There is many benefits you will get by not masturbating, but not for one month, hit 2 or 3 months also don't use porn, but remember that you get testo boost spike on 7 days

    I'm doing okay really, I aren't allowing this to hit me as bad as 8 month ago, i started to learn to live with it.
    People can recognize beauty in both gender, recognizing handsome guy has nothing to do with one's orientation and if we said all man are ugly because we are man, that would be deluded thinking and truly repressed thinking.

    Also staying away from fapping makes you feel more connected even with my girlfriend i feel our connection is better as time passes on.
     
    brassmonkey91 likes this.
  3. Flossy Carter

    Flossy Carter Fapstronaut

    279
    196
    43
    I feel like when someone is abusing porn to a point where just regular porn doesn't cut it, he/she start exploring different ways to get the same feeling back and this is where someone starts to look at "homosexual" porn or even God forbid "pedophilia".
    Just like drug addiction, when 1 joint doesn't get you the same high, people start to use more and more quantities just to get the same high they used to get when they first started.
     
    zenon27, brassmonkey91 and Lone_Wolf like this.
  4. brassmonkey91

    brassmonkey91 Fapstronaut

    5
    2
    3
    good point, i used to be a big pot head back in the day...
     
    zenon27 likes this.
  5. brassmonkey91

    brassmonkey91 Fapstronaut

    5
    2
    3
    I'm glad your doing better! and wow, thank you for your sincere and wise feedback. the fact that you said multiple months keeps me optimistic; I'm extremely impatient and wanted this to be done with yesterday! lol.
     
    zenon27 likes this.
  6. zenon27

    zenon27 Fapstronaut

    196
    91
    28
    true, lets look back a famous person by the name Ted Bundy was also a porn addict, while he was in necrophilia, deep down he was heavy in porn and that may have something to do with brain damage so severe he started to act on his thoughts.

    Actions speak louder than words or thoughts, and he was a seriously weak man.
    Porn distorts male's brain, lets look around and see how today's era has change. People do anal and It used to be forbidden, I never old interest in this area of sex still. While I know anal has nothing to do with one's orientation, its still weird when you have a man that loves taking his better half into anal hole than vagina's hole. Deepthroat used to be brutal but now they actually find females that do it, and get surprised about it, how was gagging ever healthy and sex is suppose to be healthy.

    Now don't get me wrong I like to receive a head, but I could never force myself on her and take her on this level of throat. But when I watched a lot of porn, it gone from normal blowjob to extreme deepthroating and facial escalation.

    And guess what my girlfriend doesn't mind facial, and I'm here thinking if this desire was truly mine from the start or Porn induced.
    My reasoning for liking this was simple: I told her i liked facial, because I like the release of my semen on beautiful things, sexy things, on breasts, ass etc, bur being beautiful as it is this includes her female face.
    I also realize I have easier time finishing when I feel in control, looking back i told her that I took myself to believe im SMD sensual kinda guy.
    She loves being tied up because it gives her an extra kick, and i love using something soft to tie her up, I don't like pain and so I'm super sensual.

    Also one thing I always skipped in porn was anal play, I simply don't hold any desire in it, and vaginal oral, I'm not sure if this dominant side has anything to do with it, and if its porn induced, because I'm not a selfish loves, I receive and give. But when porn was involved I was all selfish when picking.

    When one watches porn its hard to say what is right and what is wrong, what your true desire is and what is not.
    This is why reset is important. To go back to that younger days when I used to fap to simple naked female on some news paper.

    Honestly we had too much masturbation sex when porn got involved, from brain standpoint we had sex with thousand of women if we fapped each day, or each second day in just a spam or a year or 2. That is 1000 different females faces. That alone is madness.

    Luckily while I watched porn for a decade, I watch it for about 10minutes per day, i fap to it and that was that, closed the site.
    but overall porn could never take my feeling of cuddling in bed. I'm too sensual to believe i would become emotionless in bed, so for me touch of my GF's warm skin is kinda like sex, body press, breasts touch, this feeling doesn't change.

    and both of you can guess I had HOCD even after having incredible attention on loving to touch her breasts and body, I started to overthink because I never really watched lesbians much, but I did watch solo female webcams and strip tease, but porn made me more picky in women with more that I saw.

    thats the main reason i stopped. Because porn can make you seriously picky.
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2016
  7. zenon27

    zenon27 Fapstronaut

    196
    91
    28
    i know how you feel, we rush to see results but in this case its better not to count and just allow the changes to happen when they do.
    More expectation will also play against you in this case, best way to tackle this, is to expect no changes. Actually think the opposite while doing no PMO, and accept all the things that happen in between as nothing but minor disturbance
     
    brassmonkey91 likes this.
  8. zenon27

    zenon27 Fapstronaut

    196
    91
    28
    also
    i completely agree with more extreme scenes. It can get ugly really fast for a person using porn for awhile, going outside his normal view standpoint. I'm just surprised how people don't see daily masturbation as a bad thing. When did having sex with air become beneficial, or even worse, while watching things on screen which you can't even touch.

    Porn is a huge industry that is all about giving people erection problems and distorted views, pills sell, porn sells, everybody is happy, but nobody looks at the greater picture of it all. Biology craves or not porn wires us because our brains love being addictive to something, anything, I even heard that to win over porn one has to get addicted to something else, something healthier. A healthy addiction.

    But if you use logic even if science didn't prove any of this theory, it would be logical to think that solo masturbation is a bad habit and only leeched one of his own creation powers. Energy draining. Sexual energy can be used to build things, not just make life.
     
  9. Dgmili93

    Dgmili93 Fapstronaut

    547
    254
    63
    Hey bro it has been a while. Few relapses have passed, now I am back in track And currently at 6 weeks no PMO.

    I cant really tell what it feels like. I can tell That since the beginning of the journey I met different forms of OCD, all of them kicked in And faded then cake back less strong etc.

    I was hit by a new One a couple of days ago.

    In My experience ocd for porn addicts is related to the chemical unbalance in the brain. I am looking forward a consistent change in perspectives in the next months.

    Never experienced anything like this until I had ED with My ex And started rebooting. i think something in My brain sImply woke up And understood That There was something wrong going on.
    It is the fight And the brain trying to understand what is wrong And how to change it That create this condition IMHO.
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2016
  10. diddykong

    diddykong Fapstronaut

    348
    548
    93
    I'm a HOCD sufferer too. My HOCD goes back to well before porn, I don't in fact think I've ever truly known what my sexuality is. I suffered with HOCD for years but it was only when I came to NoFap that I learned what HOCD actually is. I, like most sufferers, get strange fake attractions to guys. If I get attraction to a woman my brain starts questioning it. Constantly questioning your sexuality is one of the worst curses I think that anyone can be afflicted with.

    My fake attractions are still there but they're getting more manageable. There are times I can go for ages without noticing another guy until my OCD reminds me about it. I still feel that I don't know my sexuality. I'm not afraid of being gay, I'm afraid that I'll never know what I actually am.
     
  11. Flossy Carter

    Flossy Carter Fapstronaut

    279
    196
    43
    I don't know if people know this I figured out something.
    Sex without love is a hollow sensation (I need to patent that :p)
     
  12. zenon27

    zenon27 Fapstronaut

    196
    91
    28
    i can re
    i can relate to what you go past my friend. I had hocd for over a year also it gone from incest thought around my family members to the idea I wanna be a transsexual, to homosexual, I avoided males that were handsome because i felt that recognizing handsome was a homosexual sight while that is stupidity thinking I had, i avoided pointy objects, I had days where i started to obsess over my Anas hole thinking my body want penetration but not once did i get erect from any of this, but i sure got those strange testicle buzzes which i heard are connected to stress levels. Also my HOCD was none-existing when my girlfriend came visit me for a week (long distance relationship) that is the time i realize something, HOCD is connected to self-esteem, confidence level, the stronger you feel the more love you have, the less HOCD you will have, those attraction are fake and based on your life mistreat, maybe a bully, or a father that neglected you, a lack of a good role-model for example can make you get this attractions that are nothing but your soul searching for answers.

    I have an incredible girlfriend with which i shared everything with her. Yes i told her about my OCD all together but being i was with her, just kissing her, hugging her, and touching her boobs gave me a boner at times. she also said that i am far from gay. But getting reliefs only adds to the HOCD by making it stronger.


    Still i have an incredible girlfriend, smart, kind, with an average body just like me. She is the person I can trust with my life and we have many things in common, i couldn't allow this OCD to take the person i care about the most in life outside my own self away.
    yeah loving yourself first is the most important even before your loved one.

    My gf believes that everybody is bisexual, would explain prisoner confusion at least.
     
  13. brassmonkey91

    brassmonkey91 Fapstronaut

    5
    2
    3
    Best of luck in your quest for peace, soilder.

    Agreeing with Zenon27; self esteem plays a huge role your HOCD defensive's. To me that's your true self (when you're firing on all cyclinders), but that's interesting how you said it occurred before porn...

    But I agree, it's hell! you have a solid foundation not fearing the outcome, at least. I'm sure you know, but you need to force yourself out on limb and push the boundaries of your comfort zone, with women first; give it the old college try! lol

    you're not an INFP are you?
     
  14. diddykong

    diddykong Fapstronaut

    348
    548
    93
    I actually think I've suffered with OCD for most of my life in one form or another and it has manifested not just as HOCD. HOCD is my main form of OCD now and has been for several years. I definitely know it gets worse we I'm stressed.

    I'm INFJ.
     
  15. zenon27

    zenon27 Fapstronaut

    196
    91
    28
    this
    i used to have obsession about my saliva, and heart beat thinking i have a heart decease. My salive obsession was on my mind constantly until I couldn't stand the taste anymore, feeling little headaches and dizziness. I had dental issues and again low self-look. The problem is all in you.

    when I felt great and relax, in that moment I was confident, I felt like a man, doing food shopping for my own place. To provide safety, I supported the people i care about at home, this is what I wanted to be, a good husband, a stable father. Of course Im not married and I don't have a kid, I only have a girlfriend in long distance right now but she is absolutely beautiful on the inside while average on the outside, I notice how today media corrupted my views, it made me feel shallow and like I was scoring people, but somehow personality always attracted me most to specific people. I know where my heart is in all this, and my HOCD goes against it completely. I don't want to be nurtured, I wanna look after people I care about, it wants to take away the one thing that makes me feel me inside. No ego, but really me. Happy. And the fear of loosing that and living a denial is hard, and life is not 100% in anything.


    some say hocd is denial, i say its fear of loosing the one thing you care about the most. You values are getting distorted against your own heart's will. How would anybody look at that and be fine with it, of course people will suffer in fear stress, anxiety. Accepting something like that is not possible but the only way to beat it is to do just that, accept whatever this HOCD is and just move on, don't ignore, become friends with it. Don't repress invite those thoughts, make them feel welcome inside yourself. Eventually your brain will run out of ideas to scare you. Build an immunity system, all while not ignoring it all together.

    ignoring will make it grow stronger, and finding relief will also make it grow stronger. Become friends with your enemy (ocd) for a life time, but don't expect to get your final answer in whether you are gay or not. Nothing is 100, no black and white thinking which is something we ocd sufferers have. Think of gray area, extend your box, go outside the boarders.
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2016
    brassmonkey91 likes this.
  16. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

    36
    18
    8
    Hey um I'm 17 years old and I believe I have hocd..it started with my friend saying he was gonna write a song about me..stupid ok right but it happened then boom these thoughts flooded my mind..mean while I had never questioned my sexuality never before...i also have been watching porn since I was 12 so about 5 years...i started getting into shemale hentai and 3d hentai shemale..now I think I'm in a flatline and I feel asexual....i don't like males or females rn but what I hope is hocd is running ramped...i have dreams about gayness, constant thoughts and I fucking hate it I wake up crying and I have had mental breakdowns in the past...i have been doing nofap for almost 2 months and relapsed 3 times...has anyone experienced these things during a flatline please help
     
  17. LSPN

    LSPN New Fapstronaut

    3
    5
    3
    Hi,

    I am 20 years olds, Ive been having the same problem and I dont know if It is HOCD or a Sexuality Crisis, my hole life I've loved girls Ive had sex with 3 of them which I had problems getting an erection with all of them, I managed to have sex some times, but I didn't like that my Pennis some times worked, sometimes didn't, I was starting NoFap, when suddenly I relapsed in day 5 and accidentally watched a gay porn, with I don't know if I was anxious or aroused, I started to shiver and my body got cold,( ive watched all the types of porn there are, but this was the first time U watched gay or tranny, I also want to mention that I have done anal masturbation which I don't like and find disgusting, but I have huge anal craving that I don't want, I want to be like before) and fapped to it once. After wards, I started to have gay thoughts, and a sensation on my anus like if I was going to be penetrated, I had fantasies that some times disgust me but some times I like and it freaks me out, I felt huge guilt and that was when I decided to stop porn for good, I went 30 days with 2 relapses, but some how I think I managed to enter flatline, my libido dropped to the floor, I got huge depression and anxiety, ive stopped eating and can't get off my bed, I feel asexual, I don't feel any attraction to any one or anything, and I got a huge fear of (what if I am Gay) everyone has their opinion on this topic, but I just don't want to Gay, I want to like girls the way I did before, I want to get aroused the way I did before, I have a girlfriend that has me crazy, but the past days I feel like I don't want to text her or even attracted to her, but I am very attentive to when will she answer, but when she does I feel like I don't like her, I am not attracted to guys either, but as more and more fantasies come I fear I could become gay, but I don't want that, some time I do feel attracted, but only to pennis, and I have this feeling when I see my Pennis that I want my Pennis in my ass, WTF is this. I need answers, I tapped to lesbian porn to get my libido back but I can't, my Pennis is not working, I took a [email protected] to help my ED and arousal but it didn't work,I need help, please dose someone know when will I get back to normal, or if this is FLATLINE or HOCD or both. I want to get back to normal, has anyone gone through this? pease any answers will help
     

Share This Page