Arminhul Report: Introspecting

So it has been 36 days since I really started fighting back. And it hasn't exactly been great.

20 Fap Free/16 Slave | 36 Days

It does look a bit postive. As in more free days than ever but I ain't happy. It is not enough. My best has been 6 days streak till now. Over this month long time I have tried to build other habits and keep away from all stimulation stopped looking at woman pics completely. Also I keep reading stuff related to Nofap to keep motivating myself.

And motivation to do this has been stronger than usual. But when I do relapse it has always been a minimum of 1 day binge to a maximum of a 5 day binge.

Today I am back after a 4 day binge to write here. I did notice some benefits. I was less sleepy, usually my days had some order. Not much but some. The moment I relapsed everything went to shit. Motivation gone in an instant. Don't feel like getting out of bed. Don't feel like eating on time like a normal person. Don't feel like bathing, brushing or doing anything.

I guess I am writing it here because I need to decrease this and eliminate this and I need help. Funny thing I think I know what I need to do. But man that moment when I relapse. One minute I am telling myself, not going to do it, think something else, do something else and it works sometimes but other times I slip so fast it is almost like I am not the one doing it.

I am aware I am relapsing. My voice in my head is screaming STOP. But I can't. It's too late. And then it a few hours I am fapping. Then a few days.

But unlike previous times I am fighting it more. I hope even though I binge, I am not losing all the benefits totally. I have a business which I started like a year back and I am nearly broke.

I feel angry no one told or taught me about the dangers of P and fapping. Yea some people said puritanical shit which never resonated with me. I wonder if someone said scientific or life quality reasons I know now for not doing or controlling this habit when I was a kid. Now there is no controlling it. I must not do it period till I reboot and then maybe never.

Man this habit so damn hard to break. I am done living like this. This last 6 day streak I was hoping I would last the whole 3 months. I was hoping I would have myself back to 100% power in the next 3 months.

I will continue to hope for myself. I will start again. I am not giving up on myself.