Aroused by gay porn but at the price of severe anxiety

H3nri5

New Fapstronaut
I've always been heterosexual and see women both romantically and sexually but have never had a girlfriend. I've been really addicted to pornography for the last 5 years and have escalated to things like transvestites, bdsm etc. Recently I have been having bad anxiety due to social issues and thinking about my future as I have exams coming up thats been causing me a lot anxiety and depression. One night I began masturbating normally and anally to gay porn and fantasies because it felt so outlandish and helped me feel better at the time. Having no sleep that night and feeling disgusted at myself I had an anxiety attack the next day due to it and began nofap that lasted a 24 day streak. During this time I had no compulsion to look at gay porn or men but resisted a strong urge to look at women in porn

I broke the streak when i was far from home and suffered another anxiety attack unrelated to pmo and was very sleep deprived too but yet again I went to gay fantasies and porn to help cope. After this, my sleep deprivation and anxiety only got worse as I became scared I was actually gay and the pmo lasted a few days until i returned home. When i got home and got my shit together I felt better with no anxiety or depression and felt very a weak compulsion to look at gay porn as oppose to regular porn, I was back on pmo for a couple weeks but for regular porn however yesterday something didnt go my way that I had been looking very forward too that could change my life and to cope I went back to gay pmo and the idea of being emasculated and dominated by men made me feel better during masturbation temporarily but today I feel sick and anxious about it and want to this to stop.

I have tried forcing myself to look at men romantically and sexually in real life but struggle and I just find women much more appealing and during these pmo relapses I still find women to be attractive and sometimes bounce between straight and gay porn, When im feeling really low however i go back to pleasuring myself anally and imagine being dominated and the anxiety cycle of me trying to convice myself I am gay during these wild pmo fantasies and then realizing im not in real life continues.

Personally after having done a lot of research, I believe that I enjoy gay porn fantasies because of a lot of porn desensitization over the years and then in my low times when i feel like shit I spend half a night pleasuring myself to it causing my brain to wire itself that this helps me feel better so I should do it when in the long run it is destroying me because my real life doesn't agree and I just dont see men sexually 95% of the time and find it impossible to see other men romantically.

I want advice on what I should do and to get a second opinion. Im starting nofap today in the hopes I can rewire my brain to not look for a dopamine release in gay porn when i feel really low.
 
So here's my experience with a similar issue, I got into gay porn after straight porn no longer worked for me. I enjoyed anal masturbation, so I considered myself Bisexual. I still do consider myself bisexual, however realistically I don't find myself attracted to men as easily as I am to women. I think that novelty that porn causes you to crave is probably what induced these feelings. The most important thing to realize is there's nothing wrong if you are bisexual or if you're not. There's no reason this needs to be desicion that is made, rather, start to focus on people as individuals, and you will start to feel better about it. I've loved men, women, and non-binary people, but only because of who they are as individuals, not because of their gender. I understand why sexuality can cause anxiety in people, especially if you think others around you will judge you for it, but what your sexual preferences are is no one elses business, it doesn't need to be shared with the world unless you feel it needs to be. I would try to reboot again, and as much as you can stay off porn. If you do end up relapsing into gay fantasies, don't beat yourself up about it, either try and stop if you're trying to reboot, or if you're not trying to reboot then accept what you're thinking about turns you on.

Hope that helps man, I wish you luck
 
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