Asked my wife what I can do...

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I asked my wife what I can do. Does she want a better relationship?
She texted me this.
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?attachments/8b58eaaf-a937-431e-91e2-9e64c7ce2ef4-jpeg.10353/

So I asked....”Should I bother trying to fix it, or sweep it up and count it as lost”
She said “ Depends on how much you care about it I guess. How much effort you’re willing to put in to fix it. It’ll never be the same either way.”

Do you think she will eventually come around if im a better man? :(

Ive been trying to be a better man for some time now. This was just the most recent interchange.
 

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First off that picture brilliantly describes what its like for SO's and she has a point. Its true none of the relationships affected by PMO will ever be the same, but the relationships can get better. It really does come down to the effort the PA makes to rebuilding the relationship.

There is hope, there is always hope. Has your wife said things she expects of yoi, given you an idea of what she is looking for?

My husband was so broken after DDay that i had to write him lists of ways he could start rebuildong trust. My hisband is 1 year and 4 months PMO free and onky in the last month has my husband started truly making relationship effort. My husband and I have been getting better, and Ive been mich happier woth him this past week or so and have felt a stronger connection. So yes, its possible for things to get better but it will take time and Consistent Effort.
 
AnonymousAnnaXOXO said:
There is hope, there is always hope. Has your wife said things she expects of yoi, given you an idea of what she is looking for?
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I asked her what I have to do and she said
1. Quit blaming me (I guess for being lonely or sad)
2. Don’t try to control me
3. Stop judging me

I didn’t realize I was doing these things and they seem unrelated to PMO.

I think they’re related to a need for attention that I was using PMO to cope with.

I thought she would want proof of not lying or something.
 
Thor god of thunder said:
I asked her what I have to do and she said
1. Quit blaming me (I guess for being lonely or sad)
2. Don’t try to control me
3. Stop judging me

I didn’t realize I was doing these things and they seem unrelated to PMO.

I think they’re related to a need for attention that I was using PMO to cope with.

I thought she would want proof of not lying or something.
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Hobby time!
I'm thinking puzzles or boats in bottles
 
Thor god of thunder said:
If I was a fairy, I’d definitely be a tinker fairy. Fixing or building stuff is my hobby.
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Get a hobby and throw her a sweet compliment when you pass in the halls.
Have no expectations for the next couple of weeks.
She needs to grieve.
Seriously.
You have been on this journey and it's good... But you didn't include her.
And she's a little stung
Give her time.
Even if you are making awesome progress
 
Kenzi said:
Get a hobby and throw her a sweet compliment when you pass in the halls.
Have no expectations for the next couple of weeks.
She needs to grieve.
Seriously.
You have been on this journey and it's good... But you didn't include her.
And she's a little stung
Give her time.
Even if you are making awesome progress
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Thanks, that helps. Sometimes it seems like I’m not making any progress with her. I try to do one thing she likes and I step on a land mine somewhere else. You never see them coming.
 
Kenzi said:
Yeah... I do that to Rock_Star sometimes. I don't know how he deals with it.

Have you done the Love Languages?
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Yea I did, she didn’t have much interest.
That was why I asked her the question. She wants me to fix this by myself. I’m not sure how to do that.
I broke the plate, I have to glue it back. But it seems like she’s moving the pieces on me because she doesn’t want me to succeed.
Like if I do my part she might have to do something on her end that she doesn’t want to do.
Almost like she’s afraid she won’t get to stay mad at me.
 
Of course I do realize that this is just my perspective.
If you asked her it might sound completly different :confused:
 
Maybe when I’ve spent as many years in recovery as I spent in the addiction things will be better....
 
Thor god of thunder said:
Yea I did, she didn’t have much interest.
That was why I asked her the question. She wants me to fix this by myself. I’m not sure how to do that.
I broke the plate, I have to glue it back. But it seems like she’s moving the pieces on me because she doesn’t want me to succeed.
Like if I do my part she might have to do something on her end that she doesn’t want to do.
Almost like she’s afraid she won’t get to stay mad at me.
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She is afraid if she lets go of the anger then you feel like you are off the hook and will forget that she is hurt. That is the bottom line. She isn't telling you that because she can't right now. She needs you to know and not forget that she is hurting a lot and if she loosens up she is afraid you will.
 
EyesWideOpen said:
She is afraid if she lets go of the anger then you feel like you are off the hook and will forget that she is hurt. That is the bottom line. She isn't telling you that because she can't right now. She needs you to know and not forget that she is hurting a lot and if she loosens up she is afraid you will.
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Sounds about right. She’s a tough girl and doesn’t show her emotions much.
Thing is all these SOs on here are pushing their men. Involved, concerned.
Guess I’m a little jealous.
She is like “whatever (shrug) do what you have to.” I know it hurt her, we have other issues of course, every couple does, but its not like she found out and said I have to do any of this.
It was all me. She never had to find out honestly.
I didnt have a hard drive full of porn. Never downloaded any really.
I just felt like we could never be really close unless i told her.
She never asked, so i didnt really have to lie.
It was more like prevarication.
I just wanted to know that if she loved me... she loved the real me.
And if she couldn’t love me anymore at least it would be for the truth.
She says im not being punished, its just consequences. I can accept that.
Its just that i have an engineering mind that accesses problems, finds the solutions, and fixes things.
This is really foreign to me.
 
Thor god of thunder said:
Sounds about right. She’s a tough girl and doesn’t show her emotions much.
Thing is all these SOs on here are pushing their men. Involved, concerned.
Guess I’m a little jealous.
She is like “whatever (shrug) do what you have to.” I know it hurt her, we have other issues of course, every couple does, but its not like she found out and said I have to do any of this.
It was all me. She never had to find out honestly.
I didnt have a hard drive full of porn. Never downloaded any really.
I just felt like we could never be really close unless i told her.
She never asked, so i didnt really have to lie.
It was more like prevarication.
I just wanted to know that if she loved me... she loved the real me.
And if she couldn’t love me anymore at least it would be for the truth.
She says im not being punished, its just consequences. I can accept that.
Its just that i have an engineering mind that accesses problems, finds the solutions, and fixes things.
This is really foreign to me.
Click to expand...

And this may be exactly why she is reacting differently than what you see with us here. You are at a very different place than our PAs were when we learned about their addiction. So while you had been working on it for a while and had already come to terms with some things, when you told her, it was all brand new and her processing of it is at a completely different pace than you. You have processed through much of what she is just now learning about.

I think what you are missing and wishing for is the part where we are choosing to work through these things together, because we started the process together. Our PAs were fully sucked in until we discovered it and that is where our journey started. Your journey started on your own and now you are ready for her to join it. She isn't quite there yet. Give her some time. She is still processing it all.
 
EyesWideOpen said:
And this may be exactly why she is reacting differently than what you see with us here. You are at a very different place than our PAs were when we learned about their addiction. So while you had been working on it for a while and had already come to terms with some things, when you told her, it was all brand new and her processing of it is at a completely different pace than you. You have processed through much of what she is just now learning about.

I think what you are missing and wishing for is the part where we are choosing to work through these things together, because we started the process together. Our PAs were fully sucked in until we discovered it and that is where our journey started. Your journey started on your own and now you are ready for her to join it. She isn't quite there yet. Give her some time. She is still processing it all.
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Thanks for all the perspectives. I think these posts have been helpful.
I went to a phd counsellor last year because my wife wanted me to. She thinks i still have to work through trauma from when i was young.
I told him. I need more attention than my wife can give me.
He says “maybe or maybe she’s a cold bitch”
I didn’t like that response
I only went one more time.
You guys on this site give better advice. So... thanks :)
 
Thor god of thunder said:
She said “ Depends on how much you care about it I guess. How much effort you’re willing to put in to fix it.”
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What exactly is your wife referring to here? I thought that you wrote that its been over 1000 days since you M'd? She doesn't see over 2.5 years as effort?

Thor god of thunder said:
It’ll never be the same either way.”
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Maybe this is a good thing. Your relationship could be better than before.

Thor god of thunder said:
1. Quit blaming me
2. Don’t try to control me
3. Stop judging me
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She's doing all these same things to you... I think your previous P use sounds very mild. Unless she's told you that P use causes her great discomfort and you choose to use it anyways?

I think her feelings are more so related to other relationship issues and not so much PMO...
 
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