Asking for help before I wreck my entire life up

Good afternoon,

My name is Kyostaa (ficticious name, of course). I'm a college teacher, male, married, 30 y/o, no children yet. I have no idea on how to present myself to the users of this website, but hey!

I guess I'm here to talk about my sexual problems, so here we go. I noticed I had a serious problem and that my webporn usage was beyond control when I started joining roleplaying communities where I had easy access to fantastic erotic pictures and to talk/interact through text with similar minded people. Before that, I've been using porn since I had internet access.

I have had no fulfilled intercourse with orgasm with penetration before I met my girlfriend/actual wife. That was when I was already 25 years old. Only later I realised that this was most likely due to masturbating to porn almost daily. This led to some really sad moments when I could get laid - almost an hour of intercourse and I would not even get close to orgasm.

I have been fighting this thing off for more than a year now. Two, three years, most likely. I stay one week, one month, once even three months or more, and then go back to it and start all over again. Today I was at work and could not get my mind off of going back home and accessing the most profane content I could figure. I am constantly looking at pics on the anonymous mode of Chrome. I enter, I look, I get ideas, I close it. This builds up for hours or days and then I just discharge it, wherer watching porn on my shower or when I'm alone at home.

I've tried several things. Blocking websites on my browser often fails. I can easily access porn using another user account on my own laptop. Redirecting websites from hosts list on my operational system has worked, but when I'm horny I just erase them. I've tried working out and exercising. The problem is, I'm pretty fit myself. I've ran 18km non stop; my record is 50 push ups in one go and I can do muscle ups and some other hard stuff as well. So, I can understand that some people can get tired with a small workout each time they think about accessing some contents. That would fail for me too. Sadly.

I've tried meditation, but I can't organise my time for it. I can't do anything extreme whenever I feel the urge or my wife would notice. She's a psychologist. I've said to her that I stopped watching porn, only often seeing it. I feel terrible for lying for her. She would understand if I open myself for her... but she could never accept me if she knew what kind of content I've used.

No, I'm not a criminal and never did something against the law, or even watched stuff like that.

I need help. I want to be free. The longest time I managed to be porn-free was when I joined Darebee so I could get in touch with people, was learning stuff and it was great. My mind was filled with things so I couldn't dedicate much time to porn. I don't know when it was that I came back to it though. Maybe getting in touch with people that actually knows what I'm going through may help me more than a fitness website.

So, this is me, I guess. Or a part of me. That I want to end.

Cheers!

 

I'd like to thank you for your feedback and for your welcoming!

What I meant on that part you didn't get was, once my wife asked me if I still watched porn. In her conception I watched it as common sense dictates about men: often. She has no clue about how deep my problems with it are. I said to her that I gave it up almost completely, watching it only very often. Which was a lie. Hopefully I will make it a true thing now.